long (for me) hair, I care

No normal person would look at my hair and say it's long, but it feels long to me.  I've been getting all kinds of compliments on it since I've been growing it out a bit (I'm working an A-line cut, though it's harder to tell unless it's straight).  In addition, I'm saving money because I'm not really getting stand-alone blowouts anymore because at it's longer length, it just doesn't look as cute that way anymore...by far.  It's a bummer because when it was shorter and blown out I felt incredibly chic and polished and beautiful.  Now with it longer the only way it looks cute is if I curl my curls, and that's cute, not chic/polished/beautiful.  My curls as they are are simply too flat, too disorganized, too messy.  I'm a little frustrated, but I don't know that there's much to do about it.  It looks better curly when it's longer, better straight when it's shorter.  First world problems.

In other assorted news:

A big, awful rat ran in front of me the other night when I was walking across the parking lot to my gym.  Gross. 

My Chiefs lost on Sunday to the Broncos, so my good luck streak courtesy of my Chiefs red nails has ended.  Maybe now I won't feel so constrained to keep them red ALL the time in order to keep the Chiefs on a winning path.  Got a nice pretty pink color on them last night. I've become a huge fan of the Revlon Colorstay line.  It's a base coat, color polish and top coat set that lasts much longer than regular nail polish on me, and has the look of a gel manicure, or so I've been told. 

Took Monday-Wednesday off next week, so as of 5pm Friday, I'm free for 9 days!  I'll be in Omaha Tuesday-Friday, but I have time at both ends to just hang out here.  So excited!

Currently obsessed with Andrew Belle's album, "Black Bear".  Discovered him last week when looking for something to do on Friday night, bought the album Friday morning.  Saw him in concert at a small local venue that evening with friends and he put on an amazing show.  Fantastic album, and I can't get enough of "Pieces", "Dark Matter" and several others! 

No big plans on tap for this week.  Just picking up some pants from the tailor (had to get a hem fixed), returning an erroneously purchased movie ticket (since they won't just credit over the phone), going to the gym, the trainer, etc.  Friday night I'm going to see "Catching Fire" with the movie meetup group I'm a part of, so that should be a good time.  Can't wait for that movie!

Nothing to discuss on the dating front.  Just going through the conveyor belt of options and not finding much noteworthy, and refusing to get any kind of amped up for any of the decent ones.  I've closed a lot of doors on a lot of unworthy people lately, and it's good overall, but still sad.  I've invested so much time and emotional energy into these people, at varying levels, and with varying returns.  But the bottom line is that they take more than they give, and it's not worth it anymore.  I've scissored them out of my world, and I hope they stay there, because it was hard to do in the first place.

Next week at this time I'll be in Omaha.  No work on the horizon for several days.  Just me, my family, my friends, everyone's new pets (brother got a bulldog, mom got a new adult cat).  I'll get to sleep in if I want.  Eat good food.  Get my workouts in to make up for the good food.  Get out of DC for a bit. 

I'm looking forward to all of it!

Hard Out Here

I love Lily Allen.  Seriously.

Hard Out Here

Is it crass? Perhaps.  But no more so than any of the other nonsense out there, and at least her's is for a point! 

Can't wait to buy the single.

things fall apart so that other things can fall together

I read the quote from the title of this post somewhere today, and I loved it.  Things fall apart so that other things can fall together.  I like the idea of that.  I think it's oftentimes true.  I hope it continues to be true because I have a couple of things falling apart right now, and I'd like to see the silver lining of it all.  They are not big things in the grand scheme, mind you, but still.

Trainer.  I love him personally, but am beginning to really dislike him professionally.  Too bad I just bought another batch of sessions!  I feel like he is very good at the actual personal training part of his job, but he is lousy at the business side of it.  He's not hugely reliable.  He's impulsive and irresponsible at times, and not hugely apologetic when it happens.  Saturday I had a session with him scheduled for noon.  I showed up a couple minutes early, waited for him to meet me at the door (it's a secured building).  I texted him about 12:05 to tell him I was there.  I left at 12:17 when I hadn't heard anything from him.

About 12:35 I get two consecutive texts from him.  "Are you not getting my messages?" and then, "Hello?"  I wrote back and told him that I'd not received anything other than those two messages right then. He replied and said he was running fifteen minutes late.  I don't know if that was an older message, or if he was saying that's what he'd told me before, or what.  It didn't matter.  It was 12:35, and I told him, "Bottom line, I waited until 12:17 for a 12pm appt., and when you didn't show or reply, I left.  I'm already home."  I didn't get a reply after that.

He is supposed to get weekly schedules out on Sunday.  I didn't get anything, so I emailed him this morning.  I got a schedule about an hour later.  For this week.

Pet peeve?  I cannot get a standard appt. to save my life.  It is apparently impossible, so my training day switches from one week to the next.  It drives me nuts because I don't get the schedule until Sunday or Monday, so I can't make any plans for the week until then.  Is it so unreasonable to ask for a Tuesday 7pm appt. every week?

I made an appt. with a small group training gym for women in the area for Thursday.  I'm going in for an introductory session and meeting.  Groups of four max with a trainer.  I am considering it.  Granted, pricing will be a factor, but it's something I'm looking into.  Like I said, I already have 20+ sessions remaining with my current trainer.  I would lose money if I sold them to another client, so either way, I will probably just keep them and use them up.  I don't know if I'll even like the new place, but it can't hurt to look.  Maybe the group setting would motivate me more, or be enough of a change to spark something in me.  We'll see.

All I know is my trainer is increasing his pricing packages come the new year (still super reasonable compared to others in the area), and I do not intend to pay more for this kind of service.  We're either going to have a come to Jesus throwdown talk in order for me to stay if I dislike this new place, or I'll use up my remaining sessions with him while transitioning to the new place.  Thursday will be interesting!  I see my trainer on Wednesday and have yet to decide how I'm going to approach him about things.

The other falling apart thing is just Artboy, but that's just a continuation.  I haven't reached out to him in two weeks, and he's reached out to me in a completely useless, idle ways maybe three times.  It can't even be called conversation mostly.  It still makes me sad.  I don't understand why it is happening like this, but ultimately, I can't change it.  I can't make him explain it, I can't force understanding my way.  I have to just let it go, stop seeking him out, move on.

In other news, I finally finished reading "Night Film" and I loved it.  I was disappointed when it was over because I just enjoyed the experience of reading it.  In spite of some very passionate conflicting reviews (READ: People seem to either adore it or loathe it), I really liked it and am glad I read it.  I picked up a new book "S." by JJ Abrams, which is a whole other kind of puzzle.  Not sure when I'll get into that one!

I also saw "About Time" yesterday with some girlfriends.  I'm not usually much for chick flicks, and I'm not really in a great rom-com frame of mind, but this movie was so much more than just a rom com.  It had dramatic elements, it had a great message without being cloying.  It's a movie that made me laugh and cry, and just smile a whole hell of a lot. I highly recommend it!

The dating thing is the same merry go round.  Getting to know people, wondering if they are losing interest, wondering if I am, wondering if we'll meet.  Who knows!

The Blair Witch in the Office Project

Happy Halloween!  I'm not dressed up in some festive costume this year, but I still feel the Halloween spirit.  :-)  I'm dressed in black, gray and white, and I have lovely black fingernails (which I kind of love), and a couple of little Halloween stickers to brighten things up. 

I saw a couple of people dressed up on my morning commute, which was fun.  :-)  Lots of black and orange around the office, which is spirited.  I roasted my pumpkin seeds last night, and ate far too many of them.  I watched "American Horror Story: Coven", which was creepy as always. 

Tonight I'm having dinner with a girlfriend who's in town for work for a couple of days.  After dinner I'm going home, going to the gym, and then coming back to my apartment to try to be brave enough to watch at least one scary movie before bed.  I'm going to save "It's the Great Pumpkin" to watch after the movie, as a happy palate cleanser.  ;-)

Our Halloween Parade at work is actually tomorrow, so it will extend the fun! Everyone gets to bring their kids to trick or treat around the office, and then the kids join in on our pizza at the end of the day, along with extra sugar in the form of cookies and things.  It's always a cute event, so I'm looking forward to it!

I'm sore already from my trainer last night.  We also talked about all of his new changes, and it's actually not quite what I thought it was.  I will likely stick it out with him, as I will now get more sessions, more reliably for the same cost as before, just allocated differently.  We'll see how it all shakes out in January when the sessions I already have run out.  I know I will dread seeing him 2-3 times a week instead of 1-2, but ultimately I know it will be good for me once I get into that again.

I feel cute again today.  I can't say enough how much I dig the black nail polish.  It's an unforgiving color to do a home manicure with, and there were lots of fixes to be made with the polish remover pen, but in the end it looks kind of cool.  Go figure! 

I'm still not committing to any new dates really the last few days.  It's all good, I'll do it when I feel like it.  :-)  There are lots of fun things coming up in the next several days, so I have enough to think about.  Tomorrow night is happy hour with a couple friends and then the DC Improv for a comedy show with a big old group of friends.  Tomorrow also marks the first day of Nanowrimo, aka National Novel Writing Month, which I make varying levels of effort at doing each year.  :-) 

Ready for my weekend!

Insert Upbeat Song Montage Here

Three in a row.

Three days in a row now of feeling awesome.

I've been making a particular effort to look put together this week after last week's miseries, and I've felt good each day because of it.  From outfit to hair to accessories, it's all worked, and people have noticed and complimented my stepped up efforts.

Even though day two had a setback in the form of an Artboy confrontation via IM.  Even though I cried for a minute, and felt frustrated and hurt and disillusioned.  I picked all the pieces back up and I had a good day.  And an awesome night. 

I bought two cute new shirts that I will be wearing Thursday and Friday, respectively.  I got a new Revlon Colorstay polish in a dashing black called "Stiletto", which I will be donning tonight.  I did laundry, I went to the gym and to the store for a few things, I carved my pumpkin. 

I've spent the last two days making up for lost time from the last week in terms of productivity.  I'm impressed with myself, and I feel good.

Two nights ago I came home from the gym, I put on my headphones, hooked my ipod on, and I danced around my apartment with ridiculous abandon.  It was fantastic and joyful and refreshing. 

Last night when I drove around for my errands, I blared the same song, feeling the weight of the day lift off my shoulders.  The day's earlier daggers fell away, and I felt strong and good again. 

Today I feel awesome.  I can't wait to get home so I can go to my training session, then come home and do my nails, vacuum my apartment, roast my pumpkin seeds, catch up on DVR.  And just maybe, I will have another musical montage moment in my apartment.  Like Angela Chase from My So-Called Life in the episode where she wakes up and feels free of Jordan Catalano, and dances around to "Blister in the Sun", so shall I dance around to my montage moment song, which builds up to just the right crescendo, and whose lyrics just WORK for me right now.

What's funny is that I originally misunderstood the lyrics.  I thought she was singing, "I feel incapable of seeing the end, I feel incapable of saying its over..."  After watching a few youtube videos of the band performing the song, I realized my error...and I kind of love the real lyrics more.

"I'm feeling capable of seeing the end, I'm feeling capable of saying it's over...."- From "tether" by Chvrches

The more I spin around to this song, the more I erase him from my list of what matters.  The stronger and better I feel.  The more I appreciate how good it feels to FEEL GOOD in general, all man related things aside, and how the little, petty things slide off like they don't even matter when you're in the right place.  Dance, dance, dance.  :-)

the (un)brave one

So I managed to get to my haunted forest on Friday night.  Everyone bailed except for my ex-H.  I think he might have bailed otherwise, but I vented at him my vast frustration with all the flaky people who had bailed originally, and I think I scared him into staying in.  ;-)  We made the hour long drive out to nowhere, Maryland and ate at one of the three designated restaurants where you could get a fast pass.  It was kitschy, but the food was actually good!  I will admit that the fast pass made the haunted forest experience absurdly fast.  I'm the type who likes to enjoy the atmosphere, wander around, take in the giant bonfire.  Ex is more of the do what we came here for and get out type.  Since he was driving, since he paid for everything, I let things go that way.  Ultimately, I was just happy to go!  It was a great scare, perfect weather, and a good meal to boot.

Ex and his gf of the last few months broke up Saturday.  It was too bad because I really liked her for him.  Guess it just didn't work out.  On the upside, we're now talking again about going to Kansas City for a Chiefs game this November.  Hopefully it will come to fruition.  I know it's weird, but we're just really good friends, and since we're both single we are not held back by the insecurity of others, and we can just hang out.  It's kind of nice!  Sometimes I do think it's sad that a) I don't have that kind of attraction to him anymore and b) I could never trust him on that level again.  But I don't and I can't, so it will just stay a good friendship.  :-)

Saturday started out not great.  I'd been up late the night before, so it was a chore to get up for my 9 am session with my trainer.  Showed up, texted him I was there....only to have him text me and tell me that I wasn't scheduled until 11, and the training calendar had been wrong.  I was PISSED.  I went back home, but couldn't even snag more sleep because I had a chiro appt. at 11. 

Turns out he also sent an email this weekend saying that there will be no more sales on training packages, and no more re-sign deals.  Apparently he is overtaxed with clients and is using this pricing change to whittle down his client list.  I've talked about being done with him before, but this pretty much seals it.  I've only seen him for as long as I have because of his reasonable prices.  If he goes up to what everyone else is charging, he's pricing me out.  I have 20 sessions left prepaid, but after that I think my time with him will be over.  I'm going to spend those 20 sessions paying closer attention to what we do, the weights he has me using, the number of reps.  Must prepare for being on my own again, and must find a way to get over my gymtimidation with regards to the weights section at the gym.

I have yet to watch any of my scary movies, and I'm beginning to feel crunched for time.  All of these migraines lately are really screwing me over in terms of productivity time and relaxation time.  I feel good so far today, so tonight I have to go get gas, get to the store for a couple of things, including pumpkin #2, and get to the gym FINALLY.  I haven't been in days between being busy Friday and having migraines every other damn day.  My problem with the scary movies is that I need to watch them early enough that I can watch something happy after.

I feel like I have a lot to do....various errands, cleaning up my apartment (another thing that languished due to migraines), getting to the gym/working out and getting all of my Halloween things done in time.  I don't want to feel rushed!  I'm also trying to figure out this KC trip and juggle a bunch of work things as well.  So much going on.

Nothing new on the dating front.  Talking to some people, blocked another one this weekend.  I read his message on my phone, checked his profile on my phone super briefly.  Was going to reply when I got to a computer.  Before I even had a chance, he emailed me and asked why so many women viewed his profile, but didn't reply, and asked if he was ugly.  I tried to be nice and explain why I personally hadn't replied yet, and also that often times people just didn't like you back on these sites, and that it happened to me all the time, and not to take it personally.  He wrote back and told me that I was giving him attitude like everyone else, and it  was discouraging, wah wah wah.  I wrote back and told him he was coming off desperate and insecure.  I made sure he had time to read it, then blocked him.  What an insecure brat!  I try to be nice to these people....

Dear Universe

Dear Universe,

Right now, I cannot deal with you.  

I hate the neighbors from my building who are standing outside my window smoking, causing their disgusting cancer smoke to wind its way into my apartment.

I hate the neighbors above me who have spent the bulk of the weekend smoking skunky smelling pot upstairs, which is winding its way into the hallways of our building and through the bathroom vent in my apartment.

I hate the neighbors to my side, who last night spent upwards of four hours using up both of the washers repeatedly so I was left to start my laundry at 12:30 am.

I hate my insurance company for dictating how many migraine pills I'm allowed a month (6) and making me pay a higher co-pay for those 6 pills because it's a non preferred drug.  I have ONE migraine pill left until November 11, unless I want to pay $45 for a single pill again, which I will probably have to, at least once, if not more.

I love October, and I love fall...but I hate the allergies they bring with them.  I hate that those allergies trigger insanely awful migraines for me, day after day after day.  I hate that I have felt like shit for a good portion of most of the days of the last week because of it.  I am tired of my head hurting, my neck hurting.  I am tired of feeling too lousy to get to the gym, too lousy to clean my apartment, or to get my errands done.  I don't want to spend any more time in my dark apartment, fearing the blaze of any light or loud sounds.  I want to feel better.

I need a break here.

Waffles are for breakfast, people

Sometimes I get so frustrated by people and their waffling, non-committal ways.  For a couple of weeks now, I've had plans to go to Markoff's Haunted Forest tonight with my ex-H and some of his friends. Weird, I know, but we did it a couple of years ago and it was fine.  So earlier this week I check in about it, and his friends are not committing, saying it may be too cold.  I decide to look for backup just in case, and invite a friend.  She says she definitely wants to go, and we talk about inviting others.

So today I check in with ex-H and he says he doesn't think his people want to go, but he may still be interested.  My friend is all, "I want to go, but it's going to be really crowded, but I want to go."  Then changes the subject to something else, leaving me wondering...WTF?

This drives me up a wall.  Seriously!  It's Friday after 11am, and people can't commit to plans for tonight?  I IMed my ex-H and told him that basically I'm not going to rely on any of my friends going, and that if he's up for going, we should just plan on that.  If anyone else does decide to go, fine, but if not, it wouldn't change our plan.  I'm annoyed because this is something I'm really looking forward to doing, and right now it's back on the "possible" burner because NO ONE WILL COMMIT.

End rant.

Last night I got another stupid migraine and went to bed early.  I did that AFTER talking to the Smoker.  Basically I told him that if he's not interested in quitting or anything, and is just an "I am what I am" smoker, I can't do it.  He was very understanding, and in retrospect, I'm glad I chose this route.  He's clearly not interested in negotiating on the smoking, and while I respect his honesty, I was also disappointed.  Most people I know who still smoke at least have a desire to stop...he doesn't seem to have that.  That makes him a poor match for me, in spite of whatever else we may have in common.

Woke up this morning feeling pretty well rested, which was nice.  A handful of Ibuprofen and Benadryl at bedtime will do that to you!  I'm meeting the CFO of my old firm for lunch today.  We're still friends and it's been awhile since we caught up, so that should be fun.  It's also Happy Minute Friday, and today is the good pizza.  :-)  Oh, it's the small pleasures, I tell you.

Chex Mix > Dating

October is my favorite month.  It's autumn, it's football and hoodies and pumpkins and haunted things and hot chocolate.  This October, as it turns out, has also been unreasonable deadlines, grumpy/difficult/challenging/obnoxious people and frustration.  Thank god for acupuncture on Monday that decompressed me in a major way, and thank god for the chiro appt. I have Saturday morning to do more of the job.

I've been so drained from work lately, it's crazy.  It's been a weird distraction from the rest of my life, which is just a thing floating by me in the hours I'm not at work or thinking about work.  I went on a coffee date last night, it was not bad.  I've been talking to another guy for a couple of weeks and thought he was really promising, in spite of him being 5 years my junior (!!!), but then I found out he smokes, so I'm torn.  Another guy I've "known" online for 2-3 months now and cannot get the motivation to meet.  We were supposed to go out tonight, but I'm opting out.  I need a nap, and the gym, and a warm dinner ALONE.

Tomorrow night I'm planning to go to a haunted forest with some people, so that should be a good time.  However, I think I'm most looking forward to the rest of the weekend.  Sleeping, chiro, trainer/gym, scary movies, buying my pumpkins, maybe baking up some chex mix, watching all kinds of football.  Yes, please!

I just feel like I need a couple of days where no one is demanding anything of me, or expecting anything of me, where I can just do my thing and not be questioned about it.  I know the 2nd guy (smoker) wants to meet, but I just can't decide if it's even worth it.  I cannot possibly describe how much I loathe smoking, and how truly offensive it is to kiss a smoker for me, and how I absolutely will not do it.  But why does this guy have to be the nicest, sweetest, most sincere one?  Bah.  Smoking has always been a dealbreaker for me, so I'm mostly annoyed with myself for missing it on his profile when we first started talking. 

Meanwhile, I'm a magnet for guys I've already told I'm not interested in dating...they just KEEP.COMING.BACK.  Last night a guy I've turned down twice already contacted me again to ask me out.  He got all weird when I AGAIN said no.  I've been trying to be nice about it because we met  through friends, and we have seen each other at various events and gatherings, and this will continue to happen, but DAMN.  How many times do I have to turn you down before you get it?  Sigh.

See?  This is why I look forward to chex mix more than I do to a date.  :-)

Thursday

I'm still here.  I'm still reading.  I'm also buried under an enormous pile of work, and insanely stressed out, and frustrated.  This, however, makes me laugh, so I will share it.  AND IT'S TRUE! :-)