Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Built this way

Today is another one of those days.  I really regret not taking an additional day off just to recalibrate after my time in Omaha.  I am simply not built to be that social for that many days in a row.  I live by myself now.  I choose when I see people, and for how long.  I don't like being stuck in situations which require me to be nice and palatable and smiling all the time for everyone.  I need alone time and decompression time and bad TV time and staying up late time.  Since I left Thursday morning, I've had none of that until a couple hours last night upon my return.

I love my family.  I love my friends, too, and honestly, seeing them this weekend gave me my most relaxed moments of the whole visit.  But seriously?  I am drained.  Spent.  Burnt out.  My mother, god love her, is emotionally taxing to me.  She just needs so much from me.  Enthusiasm, cheer, humor, patience.  I had a lot going on this weekend, as she did, but I needed a little time to focus on preparing for the wedding ceremony I was going to officiate.  Every time my phone dinged she asked who it was.  Every time I was on my laptop, she asked what I was doing.  Every time I laid down on the bed hoping for a moment of peace, she was there trying to chit chat or quiz me about my various meetups I'd managed to squeeze in with friends.  What the ceremony would be like.  What I was wearing.  How I was going to do my hair.  If she should wear pantyhose.  If I would pick out an outfit for my stepdad for the wedding.

I felt legit smothered.  Add to that that I sleep in my childhood bedroom there, and it was just a bit too long of a stay for my tastes.  I was so ready to go home. 

The wedding was beautiful, and the ceremony went well.  I wasn't nervous at all until I got up there, but in spite of my feeling that it was so obvious I was nervous, many, many people told me how well I did, and what a lovely ceremony it was.  It was fantastic to see my brother and his fiancee so happy, having found each other and by all accounts they are a perfect fit.  I aspire to find the kind of relationship they have with one another, truly.  I almost cried at the end of the ceremony and definitely got choked up.  Couldn't help myself.

Something is wrong with me today, though.  I think it's definitely in large part a hormonal thing, but damn.  I am jaded, pissy and socially burnt out today.  I cancelled my session with my personal trainer because I don't want to be obligated to see anyone I know and have to be happy or personable.  I don't want to recap the wedding and my weekend again just yet. I can't take one more single second of obligation right now.  Work is pissing me off because that's all it feels like right now...obligation.

Over the last few days...

*My stupid, thoughtless, thinks she's being hilarious/edgy aunt told me that since dating men isn't going so well, I should just become a lesbian.
*The next day at a family dinner in a restaurant she asked if I was planning to have kids.
*I had to see my awful brother, his awful wife, my miserable excuse for a father and the joke of a woman he remarried at the good brother's wedding.  It was fucking awkward and sad and did I mention awkward?
*Some douchebag dating site guy called me while I was at the rehearsal on friday.  No idea who he was, he must be someone I stupidly gave my number to for texting purposes more than a year ago.  He called and in spite of me telling him I was getting ready for my brother's wedding rehearsal, kept trying to chat.  He asked if I was still single, and if so, if I wanted to get together and "play".  Uh, WTF???  I never went out with this guy.  We never PLAYED in any capacity. I told him I didn't know who he even was and he was miffed.  I texted him today to try to figure it out, and the jackass sent me back two pics in the form of a slideshow.  I opened it, and while I was looking at the first picture trying to remember the guy, it switched to picture #2..a big old picture of his junk.

You have GOT to be kidding me.  After I got past the revulsion/nerve/ego of his text, I wrote back and said "Please don't contact me again."  A few minutes later I blocked him from my phone entirely.

*I'm insanely broke.  Between having to replace my car battery, buying wedding gifts and birthday gifts, paying for hair appointments and nail appointments for the wedding and other assorted crap, I am way broke until payday this weekend.  It blows and makes me feel like a failure of an adult.

I just want my work day to end.  I want to pack up my things and commute home, and then maybe go either lay outside somewhere and read until it gets dark or go on a walk outside.  I don't want to talk to anyone or get trapped chatting with a neighbor in the hall, or talk to random morons online.  I don't want to pretend to be cheerful over texts with friends or IMs, I don't want to call anyone or have anyone call me. 

I want to be left wholly alone.  I want to enjoy the nice weather until it gets dark and then hole myself up in my apartment for the rest of my waking hours catching up on DVR and not being bothered.  I need a full night of dedicated "me" time.


  1. You should have told your aunt that you were doing great and having a blast being single, practically having to kick the men away. Then you should have if she wanted to try dating women, you fully supported her and would march for her proudly at LGBT events.

    1. Yeah, I probably should have said a lot of things! :/ But this was at my brother's wedding reception, and I was just so flummoxed by her lack of tact and poor humor that I just tried to change the subject. I can only stand a very small bit of time with her, and I'm good for another couple of years now!

  2. I'm sorry about the awful feeling, but that's just what happens when you get burned out. You're so burned out you're "crispy" right now.

    When I came back from Utah I felt this way. I also had a few more days off though, but I knew I would need them, for this reason. Luckily my mother doesn't bother to chit chat with me (lucky, or sad? whatever). If my aunt told me to go gay, I would totally indulge her, because that's what I do. I would play it off until I made her regret giving me her two cents I never asked for. That's what she gets!

    I would say to talk a walk with headphones in while the weather is warm, then get caught up in a book or some trashy TV for the rest of the evening! Ru Paul's Drag Race is excellent, if you are not already watching it. Totally my fave!

    1. Yes, that seems accurate. :/ I just want to hide in my apartment! I wish I got off work easier so I could go be outside longer, and if I try to do it in DC right after work I will get lost amid the bajillions of people here for cherry blossoms.

      You were smart having the extra days built in post-Utah!

      Must decompress tonight, someway, somehow.

  3. I am the same way. I need me time, lots of it. I can seem social, but I need to be alone often and I need to decompress post big events. I am having the same kind of day after crush's sis's wedding and I wish I didn't have 3 client appointment today.

    As for comments....people sometimes ask the rudest most inappropriate questions because they don't know how to socialize and want to make conversation. It is so annoying and hurtful, especially when you have other things to worry about.

    1. Yeah, it was just too much for too long!

      Unfortunately, my aunt didn't say what she said out of some social awkwardness. She likes to push buttons and she likes to get reactions, it's just in her personality. Oy. That's why I'm good seeing her once every couple of years, LOL.

  4. Keep your head up. You made it through that horrible wedding in one piece, so you are okay. And your aunt is an idiot, but I'm sure she wasn't intentionally trying to be hurtful. In her own idiotic way, she thought she was joking and bonding with you. Get some rest and put it all behind you. This will make a great story one day
    Home Improvement NInja

    1. The wedding was lovely, it was just parts of the reception that were awkward. :) My aunt really is an idiot, and while she wasn't trying to be hurtful, she was trying to provoke a reaction. Luckily I didn't give her one to her face!

  5. Yep. Also an introvert here and I'm emotionally drained after spending days upon days with other people. People love to give a lot of "ass-vice" and as much as I try and ignore it, it gets me thinking and pisses me off more. The money thing just happens. When it rains it pours and you'll have periods where you spend very little and periods where you're flat broke. Something that's helped me with that, especially after surgery bills, was I love it.

    Hopefully a night in will help recharge your batteries a little :)

    1. Yes, I'm not usually this broke, should be good again in a month, and minutely better this weekend when I get paid.

      Last night in definitely helped some. :)

  6. You definitely need to recharge those batteries :( It's hard to be "on" all the time. I'm glad the ceremony was beautiful, and I definitely understand the stress of relatives when you're not used them in your face constantly.

    Your aunt who suggests you "become" a lesbian.... you should ask her if she can "become" nice, and then say "oops, you can't, it's just something you are or you aren't, similar to homosexuality." (Slightly kidding, I think I'd get slapped for talking to an older relative that way!)

    As for the picture of the man-parts, that is just SICK. I would suggest you threaten to post the picture and his phone # on Craigslist's casual encounters section, but that would require you to engage further with him.

    Take care and rest up, bluemoon!

    1. Yes, it was pretty exhausting, but I'm feeling much better now. Took total solo night tuesday, and last night did gym and a nice drive.

      My aunt is a moron. Love her, but she is just over the top sometimes trying to be outrageous and edgy.

      Yeah, I was sorely tempted to write back all sorts of snark to that guy, but ultimately I decided I didn't want to engage with him anymore. Yuck!