Tuesday Crazies

I'm still here!  Just wanted to pop my head up and say that I'm around, reading blogs, just not posting.  I've been incredibly busy with work lately, and so I've had less time to blog.  When I do have time, I have less motivation to spend further time cozied up to my laptop!

I am working desperately to finish up this awful project at work.  It is tedious and crazy inducing and long overdue to be done, and I hope to be close to wrapped up by the end of Thursday.  I'm taking Friday off to go visit my best friend in Atlanta for the weekend.  Cheers for a mini break from life!

I will hopefully be back to update soon about everything, but in the meantime, I wanted to say hello.  :-)

So long, Swoon

So I talked to Swoon last night.  This is a summary of how it went.

CONTEXT: I texted him Tuesday night around 7 or 8pm.  When we met we'd made jokes about me hoping he wasn't a serial killer and him hoping I wasn't a stalker.  Tuesday night I texted him something along the lines of:

Me: "Did we break up already???  [CUE CREEPY STALKER MUSIC HERE.]"

Wednesday night he replies, and jokes:

Swoon: "So how were those dreams? ;-)".

He asked this because we'd joked about having fun dreams after making out for an hour the other night.  I was being a dumb girl and coquettishly (HA!) replied:

Me: "I have no idea what you were talking about!" and then used this moronic angel with a halo emoticon my phone offers. 

So another hour or so passes without a reply, and I find this annoying and decide to just cut to the chase.

Me: "I'm calling shenanigans on your text response time.  This is what I do when I'm not interested in someone."

Swoon: "Well, it was fun.... ;-)"

Me: "Got it.  Take care!"

Swoon:  "Well, I didn't say I was opposed to more of it.  :-)"

This roiled me a bit, so I lied a little bit.

Me: "Sorry, the casual sex position has already been filled.  I'm aiming for something with a little more substance this time around."

Swoon:  "Well, it was fun.  Good luck!"

WTF, mate???

Honestly, it annoyed me and then I laughed.  I prefer this direct acknowledgement that he was just a guy looking for some no strings attached sex than the concept of him stringing me along and PRETENDING to want more until I slept with him and then he left, anyway. 

But still....seriously?  Needless to say, I uninstalled Swoon (the app) and deleted Swoon (the guy).  So long, Swoons!  :-D

Blur

So Monday was basically just a big blur for me.  I woke up with a slight migraine, but thought maybe I was just dehydrated.  I drank some water and headed into work. Migraine had progressed a bit by then, but was still manageable.  Took one of my magic pills and waited for it to work.  Instead, my headache grew exponentially as time passed.  By 9:30 I'd turned off the light in my office and was sitting in the dark.  By 10:30 a co-worker had stopped by to express concern, and closed my door when she left.  By 11:45 I was beyond done and headed home for a hellacious commute.  The light outside hurt my eyes, all the sounds hurt me.  I got home before 1pm, changed into PJs, got ice packs and got into bed. 

I woke up around 3:30 only to learn of the horrible tragedy at the Boston Marathon.  I watched coverage briefly, but it all hurt too much.  I sat in the shower, literally sat beneath the pounding hot water, for half an hour, then crawled back into bed.  I woke up again at about 8:30pm, and I finally, finally felt human again.  I made myself a sandwich and watched some TV.  I was up for about three hours before I went back to bed.  In summation, Monday was a wasted day, a painful blur, a confusing mess. 

I feel okay today.  Not spectacular, but okay.  I'm moving carefully, afraid I'm going to spark another headache somehow.  I'm drinking lots of water, I ate lunch, I'm going to have a yogurt or something soon, too.  I have my first session back with my trainer in ages it seems later tonight.  Crossing my fingers I'm good to go for that.  I need it. 

Things on the dating front are basically stalled and simultaneously thinning out.  I still haven't heard from Swoon, which I'm not sure how to feel about.  I considered texting him today, but something held me back.  He lives an hour and a half away.  Not ideal.  I guess I also just worry that it would be really easy to fall into something physical with him very quickly, and I'm not sure how I feel about that either.  Part of me thinks I should just be open to whatever it could be.  Another part of me thinks that if I replace Artboy with some other guy who I like, but who will never go anywhere, I'm just holding myself back.  Then a third part of me is wondering why he hasn't contacted me yet. 

I'm going to be that girl right now and ask....what would you do?  Reach out, or wait?  I'm kinda torn.

Speaking of Artboy, I'm being tested.  The girl he was dating broke up with him sunday night.  Argh.  Must stay strong.  It's been nearly three months since I've seen him, and while it wasn't always what I wanted, it has been good for me to stay away.  But now he's free again and I know I'm going to be forced to tell him no again.  I want to tell him no.  I think I can tell him no.  I hope.  I've got three months of moving away from him under my belt, and I don't want to toss that aside.  No lectures, please, I do know he's bad for me.  I do know he says what he needs to in order to keep a door open, and I do know that at all other times he has zero problem dropping me.  Going to see if knowing all of these things so clearly can finally make an impact on my choices.  It's just hard when I'm lonely, you know?

Anyway.  Some of the other guys I was talking to have dropped out of contention.  Some were just rubbing me the wrong way with the tone of their messages, one was flat out annoying me yesterday.  He messaged me something cutesy in the afternoon, which I didn't get until I woke up.  Told him I'd been home sleeping with a raging migraine, and he said "Maybe it's a tumor."  I was unamused.  He later told me it was just a joke from "Kindergarten Cop", but come on, really?  So stupid and thoughtless.

I'm back to feeling sort of indifferent to most of the people I'm talking to, and a bit deflated about Swoon.  Just not sure where to go with that one!  You'd think he would at least stick around until I slept with him, ha. 

I think part of my "blah" today is just medicine and pain hangover from yesterday, and having been totally swamped today as a result of a lot of projects going on and my early departure yesterday.

Yesterday I totally had a girly moment wherein I wished I had someone who would have come over to take care of me last night.  But I don't, and that's life, and I survived.  So I guess that's something.

Here's hoping for a more cheerful post next go around!

My cup overfloweth

Mark this occasion when I said something out loud about this (on the internets, anyway) and thereby cursed myself.

My online dating cup overfloweth.  I am talking to so many good looking, seemingly intelligent, well spoken, and kind people that I can't keep track.  All of the levels of these qualities vary from guy to guy, but seriously...spring has sprung.  I love it.  I feel a little bit hopeful right now that I may meet someone I get along with a little bit. 

I went out with Swoon Saturday night, as I already detailed.  No word from him today, but I also didn't reach out to him.  I figure I'll text him tomorrow evening, once some breathing room has been put in place. 

Today I went out with Tiger Woods.  Okay, not really, but his userpics reminded me of Tiger, so I deem him Tiger for the purposes of this blog.  We had coffee this afternoon, and he wasn't quite as cute as in his pictures.  He seemed shorter, but I was also wearing tall sandals.  ;-)  His voice was a little off for my tastes, but he was decent with conversation.  He's a Marine, and has a nice body, and was nice enough.  I just didn't feel much chemistry there, and I wasn't too broken up when we parted ways.  Just goes to show that a beautiful body isn't enough, there's got to be some meshing of personalities there, too!

Beyond that, I continue to talk to the Tattooed guy a bit, plus probably a dozen others right now.  No other dates lined up just yet, but I wouldn't be surprised if this week changed that.

I guess I just feel like spring is in the air, I'm feeling good and happy, and I want to meet all the people I want to meet while it seems like a good idea.  I'm going with it as it comes, and I look forward to hopefully having more tales to tell.  ;-)

Swoon

Earlier this week, one of my fellow blog friends, Sabrina from The Perils of Urban Courtship, wrote a short post about an app called Tinder.  This is basically an app that shows you a series of pictures of people in your area, and you say yes or no to them based on your attraction level.  If they also say yes to you, it's considered a match and you're given the chance to exchange messages.

I was intrigued because I love throwing myself into every possible ridiculous way to meet people, so I googled it to see if there was an Android version.  There is not.  However, in my googling adventures, I found that there was a similar app available for Android, and it was called Swoon.  Ha!  Logically, I signed up, which involved basically nothing but importing my pic from Facebook.  And we were off!

I let Swoon populate with all of the possibilities and then started going through the pictures.  About 20 pictures later (with only 2 yes pictures in there), Swoon informed me it had run out of people in my area.  AWESOME. 

I basically felt ripped off, and decided that Swoon was an inferior competitor to the obviously shinier and better Tinder app. 

THEN.  On my commute home I get a notification that I had a mutual match, and shortly thereafter, I get a message from said match.  We shall call him Swoon, partly because it's funny and partly because when I later added him to my phone for texting, I put him in as "Swoon [Real Name]".  So we were messaging through the app for a few hours off and on, in basically an IM kind of setup.  However, the app would fail to tell me when I had a reply from him half the time so we eventually moved to text.
We exchanged another picture each, and though his pics were hard to see much from, he seemed like he had potential.

We talked about meeting up, and the more we talked, the more I wanted to.  So we agreed to meet up tonight.  We ended up texting until 3:30 am.

Side note and complicating factor #1:   Swoon lives in RICHMOND.  Sigh.  Accordingly to Google Maps, he's about 91 miles away from me.  Awesome.  We decided to meet in Fredericksburg, which is roughly a halfway point between us.  I'd never been out that far in that direction, so it was an adventure.  We met at a Chili's there at 9 tonight. 

We talked.  We laughed and shared dating stories and life stories and other assorted things.  He was much cuter than expected, and his personality made him cuter.  There was chemistry.  We made out in his car after.  I did not expect that.  We had gotten in his car to drive around to find somewhere to go after Chili's, but Fburg is not a giving place.  Fredericksburg FORCED me to make out with this beautiful man for awhile, and it was rough, let me tell you.

COMPLICATING FACTOR #2:  Swoon is 30.  Just turned 30 in December.  He's a former frat boy.  He's an athlete who plays football, soccer, etc.  He said he's generally been a long term relationship type, but I have no idea what he's looking for now.  That's one of the things about that app...you have no info but a picture, a name, a location and an age.  That's it.

Part of me is feeling a little bit twisted up about this.  In high school I was terminally shy with guys.  I was invisible to them for a long, long time.  This man is like the grown up version of the high school football player all the girls want.  He's cute, he's charming, he's wholesome looking.  And he's got a body that is worthy of admiration.  And touching.  Once we'd kissed, I couldn't stop touching his arms.  This guy makes a t-shirt look like a work of art.  I was obsessed with those arms.  So, so pretty.

So it's a little bit of a rush, having this guy who represents all the things I thought I could never have in my younger years interested in me.  Beyond that, I saw myself the way he saw me tonight.  It's not PC to admit, but the appreciative gaze of a good looking man does wonders for the ego.  I've felt so checked out of myself for awhile now, so turned off to the idea of sexual attraction and feeling sensual, and tonight I felt all of that turning back on.  I walked with a little swagger in my step, a little shimmy in my hips.  I knew that when I went to the bathroom before we left he was checking me out, and I relished it.  It felt good to be noticed again, and it felt good to like the person noticing, and it felt amazing to feel sexy again.

No idea what will happen here.  I think I will see him again, but you really never can tell.  I'd like to see him again, but who knows.  I just know that tonight I had fun.  I laughed.  I got to bring out my flirting game, which had been gathering some dust.  And I got to make out with a beautiful man and feel his hands on my face, and entwine my hand with his, and smile stupid blushing smiles, and fill the gaps in between kisses with nervous random chatter the way I do.  Totally worth the drive.  :-)

Mysterious Ways

The mind works in such mysterious ways, I tell you.  When I went to bed last night, I was having one of those nights where I was feeling really nostalgic for the feel of sleeping next to someone.  Yes, I slept next to E for our one misbegotten night together.  But it was at his house, and I knew everything felt off kilter, and I slept poorly and briefly.  The last time I slept comfortably with anyone was with Artboy a few months back, during what would turn out to be our last encounter. 

It has been ages since the idea of sleeping in a bed with someone was a given.  I've not had that since I broke up with Angry Ex because the people I've dated since never got serious enough where frequent overnights were happening.  I guess that is why in my dream last night Angry Ex was there.

Usually when I dream about him I wake up scared and panicky.  Stressed, even.  But this morning?  This morning was one of those times when I kept hearing my alarm go off, and I kept snoozing it and going back to the dream.  I had that half consciousness that the dream was going to go away soon, and I was holding on so tightly.

I don't really remember much about it anymore, even though it was only a couple of hours ago.  All I know is that this time I tapped into the good parts of things with Angry Ex.  The comfort, the familiarity, the ability to touch someone or hug them or lean my head on their shoulder at my whim, without calculation or fear or insecurity.  We were together for almost two years, and in spite of all the bad times, I loved that intimacy. 

Even in my good dreams of Angry Ex, the truth still glimmers in the background.  I know in the dream he was playfully, subtly jealous of a guy friend who was present at some pool party we were attending.  I remember being aware of it, but feeling pleased that it seemed more like normal guy jealousy than the amped up variety he usually engaged in.

In the dream we were holding hands, and he was folding me into the crook of his arm, and he was touching my face and all of these tiny forms of contact that you take for granted when you're part of a couple.  The tiny forms of contact that I miss desperately and feel like I've never even had in some ways, it's been so long.

I had moments of that with Artboy.  What I loved best about him was the way he made me feel like the only person in the universe.  He looked straight into my eyes so often, and he touched my face with the whole of the palm of his hands.  We would lay in bed or on the couch and our legs would be tangled, and he would weave his fingers in between mine.  Bliss.

Dreaming about Angry Ex wasn't really about Angry Ex.  It was about the things that I miss, the physical intimacy I want to have again.  It's nice to be able to come away from the dream knowing that, even if it doesn't fix what's missing in my life.  I miss fitting into the curve of another person's body, and incidental kisses, and the warmth of my hand enveloped in someone else's. 

This morning I held on tight to the fading pull of my dream, wanting to absorb every last second of the memory of that feeling I had.  When I finally gave in and woke up, the illusion was gone, and I was in my big bed, alone, the same way I have woken up for nearly all of the mornings for over two years. 

Whenever I do find someone again, whenever I do get lucky enough or brave enough or ready enough to have that in my life again, I will appreciate it so much more than I ever did before.  I will know the weight of it and the power of it and the fierce sting of its absence. 

Old Bluemoon, New Tricks

So I'm schooling myself on something super important this week:

The skill of applying eyeliner to my upper lid without coming out of it looking like I got into a fight.  ;-)  Miracle of all miracles, I pulled it off this morning.  It's the small victories!

Last night I went home and was totally antisocial, as intended. I voluntarily talked to the man who delivered my dinner, and then I involuntarily spoke with my neighbor on the phone.  I knew she would keep bugging me if I didn't just take the call, so I sucked it up and endured it, ensuring it was a short convo. 

After that, I lounged.  I watched a bunch of DVR, including New Girl and The Mindy Project, two shows I love.  I need to go back to the beginning of New Girl via Netflix or something as I only watched one or two episodes.  Someday!  Beyond DVR, I also got some new music for my ipod with the assistance of the Amazon giftcard I received as a gift for officiating the wedding this weekend.  They know me so well!  I buy all of my music and ebooks from Amazon.com, so it was perfect. 

One of the songs I bought and added to my collection was "The Violent Bear it Away" by Moby.  I heard it for the first time this weekend, as this was the song my new sister in law walked down the aisle to.  They chose all very untraditional music for their ceremony, which I thought was awesome.  Other selections included "Clocks" by Coldplay, "Intro" by The XX, and "The Good Life" by OneRepublic, among others.  The Moby song is purely instrumental and is gorgeous, and I think I will forever associate it with that very cool moment in time when my brother saw his future wife appear in a doorway and knew his life was going to change for the better.  :-)  I'm kind of hooked to it!

I'm also reading a really good book called "Reconstructing Amelia" by Kimberly McCreight.  It's one of those books I look forward to picking up again each day for my commute.  There are many books coming out in the next couple of months that I want to read.  They include: 

May
Man Up by Ross Mathews
Don't Worry, It Gets Worse by Alida Nugent, aka The Frenemy.com blogger
The Potty Mouth at the Table by Laurie Notaro

June
Joyland by Stephen King
The Tao of Martha by Jen Lancaster

In other words, lots of humorous books and memoir, essay type books on my list for late spring and early summer.  I also have tickets to go see Ross Mathews for a book signing/reading the week his book comes out, so YAY for that!

In other news, it is 86 degrees out at 12:19pm.  Predicted high today is 89.  It's APRIL.  WTF, mate?  Supposed to be in the 80s tomorrow, but 70s on Friday and 60s for the weekend before we get back to 70s next week.  70s is more the right speed for spring, but I will admit it is nice coming to work in capris, sandals and a sleeveless shirt.  :-) 

Last night in my apartment was kind of rough, though.  They don't turn on the A/C until later in the season, so it was stuffy like crazy.  Today will be worse since it's hotter already.  Good thing I need to get to the gym and maybe I'll go on a walk.  Sure, it's hot outside, but at least air might be moving out there! I had a less than ideal night of sleep because I don't do well when it's hot inside and I'm trying to sleep.  I had my fan on and windows open and no blanket!

I have made one interesting discovery this week with regards to my allergies.  Pollen has been sky high in DC this week, and my allergies are much better this week than last.  In summation, pollen clearly isn't my issue!  Weird.  Wonder what was up last week??

I'm CONSIDERING walking to Robek's for a smoothie for lunch, but it's a really long trek, so I may just do that for dinner instead.  It's another way to get out of the house for a bit!  I had this really awesome Berry Slim smoothie last time I went and it was so delicious.  Today's lunch may just be a sandwich in light of my financial woes this week.  ;-)

Okay, who's going to come to DC to go to a Nationals game with me tonight?  I so want to go and can't get anyone to go with me!  This is why I need a guy, LOL.  Or just more friends who like baseball?

Happy Wednesday!

Built this way

Today is another one of those days.  I really regret not taking an additional day off just to recalibrate after my time in Omaha.  I am simply not built to be that social for that many days in a row.  I live by myself now.  I choose when I see people, and for how long.  I don't like being stuck in situations which require me to be nice and palatable and smiling all the time for everyone.  I need alone time and decompression time and bad TV time and staying up late time.  Since I left Thursday morning, I've had none of that until a couple hours last night upon my return.

I love my family.  I love my friends, too, and honestly, seeing them this weekend gave me my most relaxed moments of the whole visit.  But seriously?  I am drained.  Spent.  Burnt out.  My mother, god love her, is emotionally taxing to me.  She just needs so much from me.  Enthusiasm, cheer, humor, patience.  I had a lot going on this weekend, as she did, but I needed a little time to focus on preparing for the wedding ceremony I was going to officiate.  Every time my phone dinged she asked who it was.  Every time I was on my laptop, she asked what I was doing.  Every time I laid down on the bed hoping for a moment of peace, she was there trying to chit chat or quiz me about my various meetups I'd managed to squeeze in with friends.  What the ceremony would be like.  What I was wearing.  How I was going to do my hair.  If she should wear pantyhose.  If I would pick out an outfit for my stepdad for the wedding.

I felt legit smothered.  Add to that that I sleep in my childhood bedroom there, and it was just a bit too long of a stay for my tastes.  I was so ready to go home. 

The wedding was beautiful, and the ceremony went well.  I wasn't nervous at all until I got up there, but in spite of my feeling that it was so obvious I was nervous, many, many people told me how well I did, and what a lovely ceremony it was.  It was fantastic to see my brother and his fiancee so happy, having found each other and by all accounts they are a perfect fit.  I aspire to find the kind of relationship they have with one another, truly.  I almost cried at the end of the ceremony and definitely got choked up.  Couldn't help myself.

Something is wrong with me today, though.  I think it's definitely in large part a hormonal thing, but damn.  I am jaded, pissy and socially burnt out today.  I cancelled my session with my personal trainer because I don't want to be obligated to see anyone I know and have to be happy or personable.  I don't want to recap the wedding and my weekend again just yet. I can't take one more single second of obligation right now.  Work is pissing me off because that's all it feels like right now...obligation.

Over the last few days...

*My stupid, thoughtless, thinks she's being hilarious/edgy aunt told me that since dating men isn't going so well, I should just become a lesbian.
*The next day at a family dinner in a restaurant she asked if I was planning to have kids.
*I had to see my awful brother, his awful wife, my miserable excuse for a father and the joke of a woman he remarried at the good brother's wedding.  It was fucking awkward and sad and did I mention awkward?
*Some douchebag dating site guy called me while I was at the rehearsal on friday.  No idea who he was, he must be someone I stupidly gave my number to for texting purposes more than a year ago.  He called and in spite of me telling him I was getting ready for my brother's wedding rehearsal, kept trying to chat.  He asked if I was still single, and if so, if I wanted to get together and "play".  Uh, WTF???  I never went out with this guy.  We never PLAYED in any capacity. I told him I didn't know who he even was and he was miffed.  I texted him today to try to figure it out, and the jackass sent me back two pics in the form of a slideshow.  I opened it, and while I was looking at the first picture trying to remember the guy, it switched to picture #2..a big old picture of his junk.

You have GOT to be kidding me.  After I got past the revulsion/nerve/ego of his text, I wrote back and said "Please don't contact me again."  A few minutes later I blocked him from my phone entirely.

*I'm insanely broke.  Between having to replace my car battery, buying wedding gifts and birthday gifts, paying for hair appointments and nail appointments for the wedding and other assorted crap, I am way broke until payday this weekend.  It blows and makes me feel like a failure of an adult.

I just want my work day to end.  I want to pack up my things and commute home, and then maybe go either lay outside somewhere and read until it gets dark or go on a walk outside.  I don't want to talk to anyone or get trapped chatting with a neighbor in the hall, or talk to random morons online.  I don't want to pretend to be cheerful over texts with friends or IMs, I don't want to call anyone or have anyone call me. 

I want to be left wholly alone.  I want to enjoy the nice weather until it gets dark and then hole myself up in my apartment for the rest of my waking hours catching up on DVR and not being bothered.  I need a full night of dedicated "me" time.

Blue skies, all lies

This spring season is turning out to be a real rip off so far.  Yesterday we had a lovely early afternoon, very mild and lovely.  Then something went awry in the afternoon and it got windy and colder again.  Today it is again "breezy".  Screw you, weather forecasters.  Breezy is what you call a warm wind.  Breezy makes it seem like it's lovely outside when it's just not.  Who do I have to date to get legitimate spring weather?  May as well add them to the list since I'm dating everyone else for no payoff.  :-p

I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughts and comments on my post yesterday about the Pierced and Tatted one.  I'm still pondering everything myself, but if we keep talking, I do intend to meet him in person just to see.  He sent me a pic this morning that actually made me think, "Cute!" and not "!?!" like some of his others on his profile.  Not sure if it was the picture itself or just that I am growing to like his personality more and that's affecting my perception.  Who knows.

I am not talking to any real prospects other than him.  The ones I had interest in have waned a bit, the ones I'm not interested in keep popping up.  Such is life.

Setting aside all of that nonsense, I only have one day of work left after today, AND I get to come in a couple of hours late thanks to a dental cleaning appt.  Ha!  I'll take it.  Pretty teeth AND a shorter work day, cheers.  Plus, we have a firm luncheon tomorrow, so free food shortly after my arrival = WIN.

I feel like I have a lot to do before I fly out of DC Thursday at 11:30.  I need to do laundry, paint my nails (yeah, it's on the list), and tomorrow night I'll need to pack.  I also need to get to the gym tonight, boot camp tomorrow night (assuming it's not too chilly, and if it is, the gym instead), and I crazily scheduled myself for a session with my trainer Thursday at 8am before I leave.  :-) 

Must figure out what I'll be wearing for the rehearsal and dinner, too.  Fun, fun!  I'm super excited to get home and see my friends and family, though.  It should be a really good few days. 

Maybe I'll get pinged by some Omaha gents again through the online dating sites like I did last time.  That's not totally inconvenient location wise or anything... 

Behold the (non)power of a ginger

I went out on a coffee date with a ginger yesterday.  His pictures were cute, but he wasn't quite as cute in reality.  Ginger was 32, some sort of consultant on boring things, and made a joke that his DJ name was "Red Velvet".  Not a DJ, not a real nickname, but it was the one time he made me genuinely laugh!  He struck me as an overgrown frat boy, no joke.  When I asked about what he liked to do when he wasn't working he responded, "Rugby, video games, and drinking."  Ho hum.  Seriously?  That's now an actual listworthy hobby?  The drinking thing came up multiple times in the hour to hour and a half we hung out. 

He seemed to want to hang out more, as he suggested (ding ding ding!) getting a drink post-coffee, and I demurred, but said we could walk around Old Town a bit. It was dreary outside, misting rain and cool, but not terrible.  We meandered for a bit, and after we made a circle back to where we'd started he again asked about getting a drink.  I told him I had to get to the gym before it closed, which was mostly true. 

Blah.  No love connection there! I can't get past the vision of that red chest hair flowering out of the top of his shirt.  Shudder.

Now, Angry Ex was a secret Ginger, meaning he had all the freckling and an auburn tint to his hair, and burned very easily in the sun.  So I can love a ginger in general, but this one just didn't strike my fancy.  I honestly just don't have interest in drinking very often, and between the rugby drinking parties, the pub crawls, and all the other miscellaneous references he made, I knew our desired activities weren't going to mesh so well.  Plus, conversation was a bit more challenging, and felt like work. 

In the last couple of days I also got a message from another guy who was WAY out of my comfort zone appearance wise.  Beautiful, striking gray eyes, overall very good looking as a human being.  But?  But.  He's a body piercer/jewelry designer, and is very into the tattoo and piercing lifestyle.  Very.  As in facial piercings and facial tattoos.

His pictures are startling.  Truly.  Upon first glance his appearance kind of scared me, if I'm being honest.  I don't understand it. 

He messaged me and so I read his profile.  He actually seemed really nice.  We exchanged a few messages, and I didn't really think much of it.  He lives about 45 minutes away in Maryland, and doesn't have a car at this point.  He just moved out here from Oregon in December.  So every sign in the universe points to no.

Somehow, though, we ended up chatting for a long time yesterday.  A long time.  As in texting and IMing for about 4 hours straight.  We exchanged pictures of our pets, and he sent me pictures of some of the jewelry he makes.  Holy hell, the jewelry is awesome.  I would totally buy his work.  It was mostly just regular earrings, and some rings, but he also had some jewelry made for specific, less-traditional ear piercings.  Not going to lie, the jewelry was so cool it made me consider again having one of those piercings done!  It's still in my safe zone (the ear!).

Nonetheless, all I can think while talking to him is how I don't know how to process his appearance.  FACIAL TATTOOS.  Multiple facial tattoos. Facial piercings, and this is beyond just the nose piercing, which he does have.  These are not run of the mill things.  These are things that would give me real pause if I encountered them in the real world.  But he's so damn nice! He gave me some great music recommendations.  We talked about The Walking Dead and families and animals and childhood memories and random trivia type questions. 

One thing I've learned about online dating is that it really tests your values.  I pride myself on being a pretty accepting person.  I try very hard to not be judgmental. I like to think I look beyond the surface to the real person.  But damned if I don't feel like a real asshole right now.  I just think...

how could I ever bring him to a work party?  or introduce him to my family?  or even my friends? 

This is one of those times again where I wish I could meld all the good traits of each person I've encountered into the perfect man.  Seriously, this guy can cook, he can make gorgeous, interesting jewelry, he's kind and funny and well spoken and intelligent and clever.  But all of those things are locked inside a body that is not traditionally decorated.  That would scare many people on the streets.  That would make my friends and family take one look and say WHAT THE EFF???

I feel pretty conflicted about it.  I like talking to him.  He's the most engaging, interesting person I've talked to in awhile.  He seems completely sincere.  Honestly, though?  I am afraid to keep talking to him.  I'm afraid that I will keep liking him more, and feeling more attached to him.  And then I'm afraid to meet him.  I'm afraid that it will expose me for the shallow person I secretly am, and I'm afraid that it will be upsetting in some fashion, and that I will then have to display all of these awful traits when I try to unravel myself from contact with him because I'm not a good enough person to handle it all.

Who knew online dating could afford one such self-evaluation and unsolicited personal insight?

Maybe I should just chill out until May when I'm supposed to visit my backup plan.  But that is a whole other post to freak out about.  :-)  How does one evaluate the possibility of romantically hooking up with someone they've known in some context since their senior year of high school, whom they've considered in this capacity before, but because the timing was never right, it was never tested?  The idea of even kissing him freaks me out!  Like I said, another story for another day.

In the meantime, I'm here, sitting quietly in between mismatched Gingers and disarmingly sweet, insanely tattooed & pierced men and other assorted minor players.  It only takes one.  So where is mine?