Friday, June 1, 2012

This life has been a test.

"This life has been a test. If this had been an actual life, you would have received instructions on where to go and what to do."
-My So-Called Life

Ever feel like you could use a cheat sheet for your life?  Or better yet, a fire drill to put off figuring it out at all?  Today, I feel like I need a fire drill.

It's almost becoming comical, the complete lack of comprehension and insight I have into my own life.  I wax poetic in here acting like I know something, pretending to understand what the hell I'm doing, but it's all a fake out.  If I've learned anything at all lately, it's this:  I don't know anything.

Anytime I think I've figured something out, life takes my test paper, glances at it, laughs raucously and throws something at me that totally disproves or distorts what I thought I knew.  It's kind of exhausting.  Nothing is ever simple.  Everything is in flux, changing as I change.  Just when I think I'm catching up, I fall behind again.  WTF, mate?

Let's tear down the curtain between real and imagined and lay it out as it really stands.

I don't know what I want.
Even if I did, everything I based that knowledge on would shift and reshape itself as the realization were crossing my mind. 
As soon as I'm sure about something, it's not sure about me.

Ambiguity is a bitch, folks.  I don't like it.  It drives me a little crazy.  I want definitive knowledge.  I want to know where I stand.  I don't want to put myself out there for a lost cause, or to get embarrassed or hurt or walked over.  I don't want to overextend myself, or become an easy target.  Like me or don't.  Decide to spend time with me or not.  Don't jerk me around, and don't stick around if I put myself on the idiot pedestal and behave in a way that shows I've lost sight of how to have some self-respect.  Do me a favor and don't indulge me.

I've toiled about something for the last couple of weeks.  I thought I finally came to a decision about where I stood, and it was not easy for me.  A lot of things in my head shifted, I was working so hard to re-train my brain to think in healthier ways.  And then as soon as I started settling into the idea of it, things got pulled up into a vortex of messiness again.

It would be really nice to have an open book life test.  I want the answers in front of me.  A predictable path.  Just once.  For a little bit.  The comfort and familiarity of knowing I'm going the right way. I am growing so weary and exhausted of wandering blindly through things, making choices alternately based on logic and randomness, just to see what happens. 

If this life is a test, someone please pull the fire alarm.  I think about it sometimes when I pass one, but I just don't have the nerve.


  1. Bluemoon, I've missed you. I'm sorry you feel crummy and like you have no clarity right now - not a good feeling. Sometimes I think the same: I know nothing. Just when I think I have it all figured out, something happens to blow my theory apart. I really hope you gain some insight and perspective into your own life and I have faith you will. The truth is, in my opinion, I don't think anyone has it figured out; I think some people are better than others at faking it and us feelers actually display the frustration more than most. A lot of people don't want to taint the illusion that they have it all figured out. I hope you have a good weekend :)

  2. Ahhhh, so many wonderful little life lessons and quotes from My So Called Life. I was just watching an old episode on sundance: "People always say 'Be Yourself', like that's something you can just be. Like a toaster or something. But every once in a while, I'll have, like, a moment...where who I am is enough."
    *Sigh* You just have to enjoy those "enough" moments and learn to love the chaos in the rest of them. xo

  3. @ames: Thank you, I know I've been a little MIA. Pondering much to get me to a conclusion that meant nothing ultimately! Such is life. :) Got some clarity inadvertently this week..disappointing, but maybe for the better. Weekend was good in spite of this detour moment.

    @alisonk: I love you for quoting MSCL back to me. ;) I catch those on that channel periodically as well, AND own the DVD set, LOL. If you can get past the excessive use of "like" in that show, it is full of many wise gems!