My 34th birthday was yesterday. I cannot wrap my head around the idea that I am 34 years old. I feel 24. I feel younger now than I did when I was actually 24. As usual, I've done things all out of order.
I'm not going to lie, it was a difficult birthday. I wasn't all tangled up in knots about getting a year older. Maybe next year, when I hit a small milestone birthday, but this year my difficulties were totally unrelated to that. It just so happened that I had a really awful week leading up to the sunday birthday, and maybe even really a bad couple of weeks.
I spent 3 out of 4 week nights last week crying about something or another. I've been crazy emotional because so much has been going on, and it kind of all shook me to the core. My world has been off balance. My birthday is now over, but the balance has not shifted.
I went out with friends on friday night to celebrate, and I did have a very good time. I was disappointed by some friends who had promised to show up, but didn't, and yet I wasn't surprised. Some people simply cannot be counted on. They prove it over and over again. I had fun with the friends who did show up, and I was at my bluemoon best. I wore a dress, I was sparkly, happy me. I smiled big smiles, I flirted, I was charming and funny and the perfect birthday girl.
Saturday I had lunch with a friend, and we caught up, and discussed all of the ways his life was moving forward. He's putting in an offer on a house, he will likely be engaged soon. Then we discussed how stuck I feel...how my job is the only thing holding me here anymore. I spent the rest of the day and evening alone, running errands, catching up on DVR, listening to music.
Sunday, my birthday. I woke up early. My grandfather called. My mom called. I opened my presents. I showered and headed out the door. I spent birthday giftcards, got some cute new heels. I drove out of my way for these errands because I felt like it. Later in the afternoon I talked to my best friend on the phone. I watched more DVR. Listened to more music. Did a few things around the house. I wrapped up the evening chatting with some online dating guys, just because it was something to do. And then it was midnight and another birthday had passed, and it was the most anticlimactic one I've had in years.
I feel quiet inside today. It's an improvement over the emotional rollercoaster of last week, but it's strange nonetheless. I know I've not posted here in ages, but I guess I've been in this weird sort of place for awhile, and I've not had any cohesive thoughts to share. I don't feel like any of this is even very cohesive. I just had to get it out of my system, to acknowledge it here, and hopefully follow up afterwards with a more directional post, a more concrete collection of ideas.
I need to find the balance again. I need to get out from under this little dark cloud that has been following me around, but first I need to figure out how.
Suggestions would not be ignored!
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Happy Birthday, Bluemoon! I'm so glad that you were able to "treat" yourself (on someone else's dime) and buy some new things for yourself. I've heard many people say the same thing about their 32nd and 34th birthdays. I wonder what it is about those years? All I can really say is, keep trying to find things that make you happy and keep doing them and keep trying to add to that list. When I feel down like this, I'll listen to a song that pumps me up a little (maybe the Rocky theme song (joking) ;)). It may sound dumb and silly but I do that A LOT. I'll put in my ear buds and just dance around my condo like a psycho and it boosts my mood immediately. I know that wouldn't turn everyone's crank but it re-centers my mind, if only for a few minutes. My new efforts have also included (again, sounds simple and maybe dumb) focusing on what's GOOD and not what sucks (easier said than done, sometimes). When I started making a concerted effort to do this, I realized how negative I had become and I'm much more aware any time my minds veers off into negative town. It sounds like from what you're saying, you're dealing more with shitty life circumstance vs. just being a negative person, and that's really tough because you can't change external factors easily but sometimes you can make some modifications to how you deal with those things. Just my two cents; it's really hard to pull yourself out from under these clouds - I know. I'd say be patient with yourself while working through all of it - there's no deadline.
ReplyDelete34 was like that for me too. I ended up taking a two week trip alone.....and it really was a lovely trip....it cracked something open in me. Not that this is helping right now, but it was very empowering and I came back being ok with my current place in life....obviously I had my entire year 33 to prep for 34...so this didn't happen overnight, but I went through something similiar as you emotionally rollercoaster-ish....
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of peaceful thoughts.
@ames: I do love using music to reframe my mindset. I need more living room dance parties, I think. ;) Better yet, playing fruit ninja on xbox kinect while listening to music, thus getting some aggression out with fake fruit slicing while jamming out, LOL.
ReplyDeleteI do feel like I have become very, very negative, and that bothers me. I don't want to be that person. Tonight, bed, but tomorrow, maybe I will direct my focus more that way. Thank you. :)
@Englandia: I so wish I could manage a solo trip somewhere! I have been repeatedly and often been considering a weekend or even a day trip on my own...maybe that's something I need to look into more seriously. Thank you for your thoughts, I do appreciate them! Hoping I can find a more peaceful place after the tumultuous nature of last week.
oh I LOVE fruit ninja - like, obsessed. I have to admit, this is nuts, I know: sometimes Ill put on my favorite heels and rock out at home. Whatever works, right? Everyone has to be negative sometimes - you're not human otherwise!
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