Change.

I lost my beloved best friend a week and two days ago.  It has felt like the longest week in the world.  Work was a blur for the most part.  The beginning of the week I was essentially useless.  I was making errors, lost in thought, or stuck in a weird frozen state.  I barely wrote anything, which is weird.  I've been writing a lot lately in a notebook, just for my own purposes, and this week...almost nothing.  I've felt almost numb in many respects.  I think that in the few moments I've felt present, I've functioned more out of a state of habit than anything else.  It's as if my my mind thinks that if I just act like I'm okay, then I will be.  But if I allow myself to think too much, to remember the truth of my loss, I will fall. 

Some days were better than others.  Friday was hard.  I was consciously aware of the times on the clock when she started getting sick the week before.  The times on the clock when we were at the vet, letting go.  The times on the clock when I was home alone for the first time without her. 

I miss her.  I wish I could wrap her up in my arms and hug her like I used to. 

I didn't see a single soul I knew this weekend.  I cancelled the one plan I had for lunch on saturday, and I was not sad when my friday plans fell through.  I stayed in.  I watched DVR.  I cleaned.  I organized.  I slept. A lot.  I ran errands.  I spent an awful lot of time alone.  At times I regretted it, at other times I was grateful I had no obligations.

One week.