Friday, June 17, 2011

I swear I was sane once.

My mind is all jumbled right now.  I have so many trains of thought going on, and I can't seem to elaborate on a single one. 

Let's play with a list.
I miss stability and having a relationship to come home to.  I feel like right now in my life the idea of having that again is so, so far away and sometimes it just hits me so hard, and...I don't know what to do with myself.  And the fact that I've had a good week, a good day, it doesn't even matter.  I get lost in the swamp of insecurity, a lack of direction, and a generalized panic over my life.

I stayed home tonight.  It seems that anymore I can't do that 2 nights in a row without going certifiably insane the second night.  I watched DVR.  I made a homemade pizza for dinner.  I listened to a thunderstorm roll through.  I walked my dog.  I took 2 Benadryl, all my vitamins and some Tylenol, and crawled into bed, which is where I am now.  I want to turn my brain off, but I can't.  Instead I turned my phone off.

Seriously, sometimes I hate technology.  I hate my phone.  I hate feeling so tied to it, so invested in whether or not it rings or buzzes or otherwise alerts me to the fact that someone is thinking about me.  I get pissed when it does one of those things and it's a stupid meetup alert, or someone replying to a FB status message.  I grit my teeth when it's an email from Borders or Linkedin or some other garbage I don't give a rip about. 

I miss being wanted.  I know things with the ex were all kinds of effed up, I know that.  But he was generally happy to see me when I came home.  I got hugs and got to sleep next to someone.  Now I go to bed every night alone.  I sleep on one side of the bed even though the whole expanse of it is mine.  Honestly, I've stopped even thinking about that as a general rule.  I don't remember the last time I felt lousy about going to bed alone, or thought about how lonely it is to live on my own.  I haven't felt like that in awhile.  But tonight, I have.  I do.

I honestly just want to go to sleep.  Sleep hard and long.  Check out for awhile, be unreachable.  I wish I could make my mind stop working. 

I don't know how to do this dating thing.  It's driving me crazy.  I don't know how to deal with the gaps in contact, even when they are not even noteworthy gaps.  I talk to this kid everyday.  I saw him Sunday, I saw him Wednesday.  But I find myself on FB, seeing that he posted a status update, but knowing that he hasn't texted me since 2pm.  I feel washed over with insecurity, great waves of it.  I'm deathly afraid of getting screwed over again.  Of being played for a fool.  What if I've just been a game?  What if I'm buying lines?  What if he's got other people in the mix?  I lose track of my sanity, and I get swallowed up in this pit of doubt, and it honestly makes my stomach reel. 

I can't get burned again.  I don't want to like someone too much.  I don't want to keep putting myself out there if I'm going to get hurt. 

I want to feel okay again.  I feel okay 90% of the time, but tonight-tonight is not one of those times.  Tonight, I'm an insecure mess, and I'm annoyed with myself for it, but at the same time, I'm afraid.  I could drown in the what ifs.  I wish I could just shut down my mind like my laptop, give it a break.  Stop the train from powering through, raking over all the happy moments and turning up clouds of insecure dust in its wake.  I need a break. 

I know I'll be okay tomorrow.  I know tomorrow I'll reread this and feel kind of disgusted by myself and the melodrama.  But I'm capturing it, anyway, because it's how I feel right now.  Right or wrong, it's what I've got.

A day full of good things, laughter, productivity, compliments, happy feelings.  A night full of insecurity, doubt, fear, and a sadness over the empty half of my bed.


  1. and, again, i say amen.

    (i spent the evening hanging out with my neighbor - it was incredible to leave my phone home. and depressing when i got home six hours later, and no one had even tried to contact me. blech.)

    power to us.

  2. @Tracy: Indeed. I just reread this this morning and actually wasn't too disturbed by it. It's exactly how I felt. Hoping I'll feel better as the day progresses. Power to us, indeed.