Absentee Blogger

I am still here.  I'm still following the blogs I follow and in some cases, worshipping them.  :-)  I've just had a crazy few days of birthday celebrations, and I have plans again tonight.  I can't wait to sit down and get some posts going again, though!

My adventures on the island of misfit toys

Ok, that's it. I attract the broken ones.  I attract the emotionally stunted ones.  I attract the damaged ones, the ones who at some point tell me that they're disengaging from my life for my own good, like they're doing me a favor, saving me from themselves.  Oh, the chivalry!   I feel so lucky to be saved from making my own decisions!  ;-)

Needless to say, my experiment  I mentioned recently was short lived.  So it goes.  I'm glad to have found out sooner than later, and I had a feeling something was off, but I was ignoring it.  Tonight, my plans with the experiment got cancelled at 7pm, after I was told that really I'd just ASSUMED we had plans, that he'd only agreed to NEXT Saturday for sure.  Right, jerkoff, like you're going to get the coveted post birthday slot now?  I THINK NOT!

Also noteworthy:
"I like you, but I don't know if I can be there enough for you"
AND, my personal favorite: "You just get really excited and want to do stuff.  I'm never really excited about anything."  Yes, folks, I actually just got told that getting excited about things and wanting to do things was A NEGATIVE.

For the record, this was ArtBoy, round 2.  Also known as the final round.  ;-)

Our conversation ended with him saying "We can still hang out.  I just don't want to do anything tonight."  At that point I abandoned the conversation without fanfare and went and laughed myself into a little ball in the other room.  No really.  Okay, eventually I laughed about it, like 30 minutes later.  The absurdity.  Honestly.

Even thought BitchBoy, coughcough,  I mean ArtBoy bailed on me at the last minute, I still managed to wrangle a friend over to watch the Daniel Tosh comedy special that was replaying.  Good to have a little company for a bit on a day that turned out as I probably SHOULD have expected it, and mostly kind of did expect it, but I still wasted an hour on my hair, my outfit and painting my nails a fantastic shade of blue called "Mesmerized" by Essie. 

I did get my sangria made for tomorrow, I'm hoping it's good.  I have a friend coming over and we're going out for a meal and then hopefully drinking sangria here after.  :-)  I'm sure SHE will appreciate my nail polish, ha!  Tonight I settled for some raspberry vodka and Sprite on the rocks, which was a perfectly lovely cocktail to celebrate the disposal of this particular lost toy from my dating assembly line.

Newsflash, world:  I don't want to save anyone.  I don't want to be anyone's therapist.  I don't want to have someone bullshit me about saving me from their miserable company.  Here's an idea, broken boys of the world:  Own your misery.  Stop trying to push it into my lap. Either do something to get happy or wallow in your own unhappiness and leave me out of it!

On that note, time for a snack (hey, I never got dinner!), maybe a bit of reading and then BED!

Well.

It's official.  I have the world's worst taste in men.  That is all.

I swear I was sane once.

My mind is all jumbled right now.  I have so many trains of thought going on, and I can't seem to elaborate on a single one. 

Let's play with a list.
I miss stability and having a relationship to come home to.  I feel like right now in my life the idea of having that again is so, so far away and sometimes it just hits me so hard, and...I don't know what to do with myself.  And the fact that I've had a good week, a good day, it doesn't even matter.  I get lost in the swamp of insecurity, a lack of direction, and a generalized panic over my life.

I stayed home tonight.  It seems that anymore I can't do that 2 nights in a row without going certifiably insane the second night.  I watched DVR.  I made a homemade pizza for dinner.  I listened to a thunderstorm roll through.  I walked my dog.  I took 2 Benadryl, all my vitamins and some Tylenol, and crawled into bed, which is where I am now.  I want to turn my brain off, but I can't.  Instead I turned my phone off.

Seriously, sometimes I hate technology.  I hate my phone.  I hate feeling so tied to it, so invested in whether or not it rings or buzzes or otherwise alerts me to the fact that someone is thinking about me.  I get pissed when it does one of those things and it's a stupid meetup alert, or someone replying to a FB status message.  I grit my teeth when it's an email from Borders or Linkedin or some other garbage I don't give a rip about. 

I miss being wanted.  I know things with the ex were all kinds of effed up, I know that.  But he was generally happy to see me when I came home.  I got hugs and got to sleep next to someone.  Now I go to bed every night alone.  I sleep on one side of the bed even though the whole expanse of it is mine.  Honestly, I've stopped even thinking about that as a general rule.  I don't remember the last time I felt lousy about going to bed alone, or thought about how lonely it is to live on my own.  I haven't felt like that in awhile.  But tonight, I have.  I do.

I honestly just want to go to sleep.  Sleep hard and long.  Check out for awhile, be unreachable.  I wish I could make my mind stop working. 

I don't know how to do this dating thing.  It's driving me crazy.  I don't know how to deal with the gaps in contact, even when they are not even noteworthy gaps.  I talk to this kid everyday.  I saw him Sunday, I saw him Wednesday.  But I find myself on FB, seeing that he posted a status update, but knowing that he hasn't texted me since 2pm.  I feel washed over with insecurity, great waves of it.  I'm deathly afraid of getting screwed over again.  Of being played for a fool.  What if I've just been a game?  What if I'm buying lines?  What if he's got other people in the mix?  I lose track of my sanity, and I get swallowed up in this pit of doubt, and it honestly makes my stomach reel. 

I can't get burned again.  I don't want to like someone too much.  I don't want to keep putting myself out there if I'm going to get hurt. 

I want to feel okay again.  I feel okay 90% of the time, but tonight-tonight is not one of those times.  Tonight, I'm an insecure mess, and I'm annoyed with myself for it, but at the same time, I'm afraid.  I could drown in the what ifs.  I wish I could just shut down my mind like my laptop, give it a break.  Stop the train from powering through, raking over all the happy moments and turning up clouds of insecure dust in its wake.  I need a break. 

I know I'll be okay tomorrow.  I know tomorrow I'll reread this and feel kind of disgusted by myself and the melodrama.  But I'm capturing it, anyway, because it's how I feel right now.  Right or wrong, it's what I've got.

A day full of good things, laughter, productivity, compliments, happy feelings.  A night full of insecurity, doubt, fear, and a sadness over the empty half of my bed.

Vixen

I am a sexy, tousled-hair vixen.  Tousle-haired?  I've now thought and typed multiple variations of the word tousled enough that it no longer looks real.  Ho hum.  Damn, I think the sexy part just when away when I said ho hum.  So it goes.

Do you know how much time I've spent attempting to capture the perfect self-portrait lately via the camera on my phone?  You probably don't because it is just sad.  I've gotten into this weird habit of exchanging random pics with a certain someone.  I quickly tired of the "sitting at my desk trying to surreptitiously take a picture of myself...oh shit, is the volume muted so no one hears the snappy sound of the picture being taken?" schtick, and I've tried to add in some variety.  Yesterday over lunch I accidentally fell through the door of Ann Taylor Loft, then I stumbled into the dressing room with an armful of weirdly cute clothes, and a piece of jewelry (sort of, it was clothy and sparkly) that I never figured out the role of.  Bracelet?  Anklet?  WTF?  It didn't fit well around either, so I'm still puzzled there. 

Anyway, cue to me in the ATL dressing room, trying on a crap ton of clothes since they somehow ended up in my hands, anyway, all in my size, and I look at my phone, and it looks back and it's all, "Oh no,  For serious?"  And I answered YES! with the power of a thousand dumbass ideas behind it.  Boom.  Snippity snappity, it's me in this dress!  It's me in this dress from a different angle!  It's me with my face cut off because I'm not that coordinated, and a little of that other dress in the corner!  It's a skirt I really want to buy because it feels like silk and is the color of gunmetal and I like it, but all I can think is "Summer.  Sweat.  Unforgiving fabric.  Maybe not." 

I always smile in my pics, with teeth.  I don't think I look cute when I smile without teeth.  I've tried, damn it, just for something different.  Today I tried in the lunchroom first thing in the morning, in a corner, hoping no one came in and witnessed my idiocy.  Then I took a picture of my pants and heels, just the two.  Every time I wear these pants, I feel like I might be a train conductor in my off hours.  Just a little.  The heels add a special touch to the train conductor notion.  Perhaps a classy train conductor?  Oh, the possibilities!

I might be the dumbass sneaking a picture of myself while at a stoplight.  I might be the one cursing at my lack of gumby like fingers to press the right damn button when using the self-shot mode.  I just might be. 

This morning, in my corner lunchroom photo endeavor, I managed to get a picture of myself with a non-toothy smile that did not repulse me.  I did not look broken, or sad, or anything else particularly disturbing.  I looked...tousled.  Kind of cute.  Whatevs, it happens on occasion.

Don't worry, I get pictures in return.  Yesterday morning I got a picture of the certain someone, and he was still in bed.  He was shirtless, as most men are wont to be early in the morn', and he'd obviously JUST.WOKEN.UP. and thought to capture the moment and share it with me.  Men are brave like that.  I don't think I'd ever try to capture that awesomeness, and if I did, it would be more of a science project kind of goal, like "WTF will I find when I look at this and will it make me cry?".  The idea of snapping a picture like that (not shirtless, though, as I am personally not wont to sleep in such a way, GENERALLY) kind of trips me out.  Don't think so, buddy.  Sometimes when my hair has been blown straight I wake up looking pretty effing cute, but it's not often.

Maybe I have too much time on my hands.  Maybe I have a secret dream of capturing myself in one of these photos and being like, "Well damn.  Not bad, my friend.  Not bad."  Or even, "Holy hell, I never knew I could look so casual cute/classy/adorable/sexy/effortlessly awesome!"  So far I've not had any real epiphanies like that.  I end up with tousled hair me, which is not entirely bad.  I'll take what I can get, baby. 

 This post is pretty pointless.  What I mean is, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN IF THERE AREN'T PICTURES.

Sorry, no tousled pic because I'm too modest, LOLZ.  Or I don't want easily identifiable proof of my ownage of this here blog, even though it is not scandalous or even particularly interesting even.  Also, I am not adept at Photoshop.  Pants and heels it is!

Kiss, Kiss

I've been kind of an absentee blogger lately, and I do apologize for that!  Sometimes the analysis is fun, but other times, when it comes to things that matter a little bit more, I prefer to keep things a bit closer to the vest, at least as they unfold.  I don't want to jinx things, or put too much out there, or encourage myself to overthink any more than I already do.  ;-)

I'm trying something out right now and seeing where it goes, and so far I like it.  I feel damn sexy with this person, and that's a good start.  And the kissing.  Oh my, the kissing.  It's like I was built to kiss this person and vice versa.  Kissing is so underrated.  I would not be exaggerating if I said I could spend hours kissing this man.  Ah, bliss.

I'm feeling good about things.  I've been spending lots of time with my friends-brunches, lunches, dinners.  I went and saw a movie solo last night, which I really enjoyed.  I'm working with co-workers to plan a triple birthday happy hour celebration a week from friday, which also happens to be my birthday.  I've got other birthday plans shaping up with other friends, including the subject of the new endeavor, LOL.  I'm gunning for a "dress up date" for that one, though not super dressy, just casual dress and heels dressy.  :-)  It's over a week away, though, so I won't get too far ahead of myself there.

I still find it hard to rely on people to do what they say they're going to do.  I continue to expect to get bailed on, and to have people flake on their plans.  It's a pet peeve of mine, and unfortunately a lot of people do it!  However, I'm finding that some people actually do what they say and say what they mean, and that's certainly refreshing!

I'm working hard to find the right balance.  I'm having crazy, insecure, neurotic moments, of course.  I panic because how things are going wih the boy are not how I'm used to.  Let's be honest....I'm used to spending two weeks with someone and falling madly in love with them and suddenly we're in an instant long term relationship and exchanging I love yous.  This is not that.  This is a much more normal pace, but to someone like me, with my patterns, it's a little panic inducing at times.

I freak out, wondering why, if he likes me so much as he seems to and claims to, he doesn't want to see me every day.  We talk via text every day, and I saw him Sunday and tonight, and we have (supposed, ha) plans on Saturday.  Perfectly reasonable.  And in the meantime this week, I've gone to dinner with a friend (tonight), seen a movie on my own (Tuesday) and chilled out at home (Monday).  It's a good balance!

Balance really is the key here, in so many respects.  Balance, balance, balance. 

Also, spectacular, soulshaking, connected, soft kisses.  ;-)

Down the rabbit hole

The last 2 weeks have been a mixed bag.  The highlight was the Mumford & Sons concert, of course.  That show was amazing, soulshaking, brilliant.  It was one of those nights I wish I could have bottled up to save forever.  Everyone was singing along, clapping and dancing to the music, and I felt like I was part of something bigger than myself.  It was pretty spectacular!  Definitely one of the coolest experiences I've had in a long, long time.  There is something transcendent about a really good concert with really legitimately talented musicians.  Beyond that, I have a mad crush on Marcus Mumford, LOL.

Concert aside, mixed bag, like I mentioned.  But things have turned a corner, and in this very moment, at 3am on a school night, LOL, I feel pretty damn good.  I'm happy.  I'm following my instincts and taking the advice, insight and opinions of others with a large grain of salt.  I recognize the value of those things, of course, but sometimes there are just situations and times when you need to just follow your own bliss, no matter the ragged or unpredictable path it may take you, and no matter if it may end badly. 

I'm not focusing on forever, I'm focusing on the here and now, and in the here and now, I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing.  :-)

I'm going down the rabbit hole again, and throwing caution to the wind, and hoping for the best. 

Ruh roh

My backup date for the Mumford & Sons show next thursday just bailed on me.  I have NO IDEA who I'm going to this concert with.  Any volunteers?  I've got a ticket for you, with your name all over it, LOL. 

This is the way I roll, I roll

Yesterday was comprised of an awful lot of back and forth on my part.  I vacillated between pining for a boy I dated for 2 1/2 weeks and smacking myself upside the head for the aforementioned pining.  Oh what a tangled web I weave. 

I liked ArtBoy.  A lot.  A really lot.  I laughed so much every time I was with him, and he had the most random sense of humor, and he sang to me.  He sang metal songs, Coldplay songs, rap songs.  He showed me a video of himself on youtube that his friends had made, and he was moonwalking and the like in it, and it made me flush with amusement.  He was unlike anyone I'd ever dated before, and I liked it.  He was a spectacular kisser, and he has the softest hair.  Damn.

I don't want to get into the details, but the thing with Artboy went off the rails and I went from making plans with him late friday night to whatever you call probably ending things via phone Saturday afternoon.  It's my fault.  I am finally the villain in one of my own stories.  I screwed up, and even though there was no malicious intent, even though it was more a product of my own dating ignorance, the blame lays squarely in my lap.  The bitch of it all is that I really liked him.  Have I mentioned that?  And all my mistake proved to me was exactly how much I liked him, and well, that sucks when it ends immediately upon said realization.

I don't know if he's gone for good, but for now he's not here.  No more "Hiiiii" text messages each morning.  No more random picture texts a couple of times a week, usually of him in his dapper best for the day, but sometimes of his lunch.  ;-)  It's weird how attached you can get to someone in such a short period of time, and even weirder how much it stings to lose it. 

I'm functioning as if he's gone for good.  I can't handle it any other way.  I've been there, done that with the waiting around with bated breath for the boy to come back, and it's just too hard.  Even after only 2 1/2 weeks, it's too hard.  I'm pretty exhausted of people telling me "it's only been 2-3 weeks" and "better to have it happen now than later".  Yeah, maybe.  But whatever, it matters to me, and I don't care if it has been 3 days or 3 years.  When I truly like someone, I like them with my entire being, and I get attached.  It's a thing I do, for better or worse.

So the functioning.  I'm trying.  It's working well enough.  I'm going to a happy hour tonight with some girlfriends, which will be a nice break.  I'm going to a concert for a local band that I love tomorrow night with my friend, C.  Saturday or Sunday I hope to have plans with a girlfriend I've not seen in several weeks.  And Wegmans.  I'm going to Wegmans sometime this weekend.  Yes, I'm penciling in a trip to my favorite grocery store and looking forward to it.  Judge away.  ;-)

I feel like I have so much to say right now, but it also feels like it requires separate posts for clarity sake, and so this entry doesn't end up being far too long on its own.  Now it's your turn to wait with bated breath for my continued chatter.  It's hard, I know.  Try to function.  :-)