Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Ouch, I've lost myself again

I am having a bad night.  This is an understatement.

It started out okay.  Same as always.  Got home and tended to the animals, made myself some dinner.  Watched some DVR, relaxed.  But somewhere, something strange crept in.  I thought back on my day, how quiet it had been in terms of chatter with friends.  I've gotten spoiled lately by talking to so many people through Facebook, email, chat, text, and even in person at work, so a day like today stands out.  I only talked to a couple of people on chat today, and I sought out two of them, one of them being the ex.  We're doing the friends thing, so it's not a big deal, but I admit I still feel a bit like a failure for contacting him instead of the other way around.

Regardless, quiet day.  Didn't mingle much at the office, kind of busy, still not feeling great.  Better than yesterday, but I sound awful and still have lots of room for improvement.  Maybe this is partially responsible for the emotional weakness that settled in tonight.  Wherever it came from, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was so damn lonely.

I quickly put on the Merdog's leash and a hoodie, the tears were already welling up in my eyes.  Suddenly I was so intensely, sickly lonely.  I walked out the door of my building and within 30 seconds I'd texted the ex "Hey".  It felt like a lifeline, but one that I was ashamed to call in.  Part of me wished I could unsend it, the other part of me just didn't really care because I felt so sad that my humility didn't matter.

Less than five minutes later my phone rings, and it's him.  I try to compose my crying self (yes, crying while walking my dog, thank god it was dark and empty out on my route) and answer the phone.  He tells me he saw my IM, but was driving so he couldn't respond, but didn't want to leave me hanging.  I try to act casual, like my IM was just random, but he knows me too well.  After a couple of minutes of idle chatter he hears the tiniest of cracks in my voice and asks again what's wrong.

Damn.  Damn, damn.  Now that the spotlight is on me, I can't even start to answer before the tears come.  I tell him nothing, really, I don't even know why I'm upset.  He pushes for more, I insist it's true, which it kind of is.  I don't know where the hell this came from.  But eventually I tell him the truth.  I don't know, I was just lonely and I miss you.  At least I have the presence of mind to tell him after that he's probably the last person I should tell that, too, but he says that's not true.

I'm just lonely.  I just miss him.  Damn it all to hell, why did this kick in tonight?  I have one day of mediocre contact with friends and I fall apart like this?  Not impressed with myself.  How can I feel so amazing some days and then just crumble like an old cookie on others?

We talked for a few minutes, and he does everything right.  He tries to distract me with idle chatter.  He commiserates.  He works to understand where this came from.  He offers comfort.  He asks if I want him to call when he gets home later in the evening.  I demur, leaving it up to him, trying to put up a brave front.  I tell him I'm going to take a long shower, decompress, unwind a little.  Maybe try to go to bed early, I don't know.  He asks how I'm feeling healthwise, tells me we'll chat more tomorrow than we did today.  I reassure him that it's not his obligation to entertain me or talk with me every single day, which he singlehandedly acknowledges, but also seems to set aside.

I get off the phone with him, knowing that he did every single thing right except the one thing I wanted most, which was to offer to come over to hang out with me.  Yes, I know this is completely impractical.  No, I never actually expected that.  But in my heart of hearts, it's what I wanted.  No sense denying that.  I wanted company, and I wanted his company.  I still do.  Judge away.

The tears came again before I even set the phone down.  I hurried to the bathroom to start the shower, but stopped because suddenly I felt so sick.  Forgive the overshare, but I actually got sick.  I'm not one to "get sick".  It was like being kicked when I was down.  Eventually I was well enough to get up and get into my shower.  I cried.  The whole time.  And after.  And then I came to this computer to tell you about it.

I don't know what I'm doing today.  I don't know what happened to me tonight, but I don't like it.  Sometimes I hate being a relationship person.  I hate that my ideal place in life, the state I'm happiest in, is when I have someone to love and who loves me, someone to share my time with, someone to be there when I'm lonely.  I wish I were stronger.  I wish I didn't feel so incomplete without that in my life.  But it's my flaw.  I can't work around it.

I am just so intensely lonely right now.  And I worry about myself in this state because I have a pattern, and I don't want to fall into it just because it's easy, but sometimes it's so tempting...and this makes me mistrust some of my friendships, because for whatever reason, I'm connecting better with my male friends right now.  Maybe because they tolerate the relationship talk, but it's only a small portion of the conversation?  Maybe it's easier to think about other things?  I have nothing but platonic male friendships in my life right now, but I actually worry myself at times like this, afraid I've sent a mixed signal to one of them, wondering if I've given the wrong impression even though I DISTINCTLY told him I wasn't looking to date anyone, in a more generalized context.

See what I'm doing here?  I'm wrapping myself up in more tension.  I'm putting stress on friendships, probably unnecessarily.  And in the back of my mind, I wonder about where I'm going from tied up I still really am with the ex, how being friends will make things harder, if it's bad for me, if I give a damn.  I am not willing to sacrifice his presence in my life.  I just need to make it a presence that is healthy for me.

I wonder about dating, if I'm remotely ready, if  I could be capable of harmless distraction dating, or if I'd fall hard and fast like I historically have.

Bottom line?  I guess I'm still pretty lost.  And I guess that's okay.  Just because I got through the sunday conversation that had been looming for so long without falling apart doesn't mean that the falling apart wasn't acceptable or even expected.  I can still fall apart a little bit sometimes.  It doesn't mean I'm failing.  It means I'm experiencing this process in every fiber of my being, and sometimes it's going to hurt.  It's like growing pains, I guess.  Inevitable, something everyone goes through, a necessary evil.

Tonight, the growing pains are particularly painful.  And say what you will about it, but I will not deny that I wish I had a hand to hold while it happened.  This apartment is really so small, but sometimes it feels gigantic in its emptiness.


  1. Ugh. I gotcha. It's amazing the way that loneliness can set in when you least expect it. It's amazing, and it's not cool. Not cool at all. I've definitely done the whole crying-during-the-whole-shower thing. And in the living room. And in the laundry room, so I wouldn't wake anyone up.

    I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day for you. I know my chat doesn't work at the office, but we can e-mail whenever! (And sometimes we do!)

    Hoping your voice gets better soon, so we can talk "in person" soon. Take care of you. You're worth taking care of!

  2. @Tracy, thank you for the commiseration. I'm hoping today is a better day, too. I was up most of the night coughing, and I look awful today, and it's not the best start. :) Dr. appt. this afternoon, though, so maybe I'll get some relief.

    I'm working on all the rest. :)

  3. Hoping you are feeling better today. I've done the "get sick" thing...not fun and pretty intense considering it's basically an extreme physical manifestation of your emotional stress. I believe this is all a part of your process, of your journey...not a fun part, but a vital part. Wallow in it, marinate in it and feel it! It won't last forever. That much I know. xoxo

  4. @alison: thanks :) I'm finally feeling a bit better, but boy, last week I sure sank a bit. Not going to beat myself up over it, though. Onward and upward. I must stay healthy, though, because my resolve weakens a lot when sick, LOL.