Cowardly like the lion

If you're a coward and you know it, raise your hand!  You can't tell, but both of my hands are raised here right now.  I'm waving them in the air like I just don't care, mostly because I don't know what else to do.

FACT:  I am most desirable to those I no longer want to desire me.
FACT:  I am a sucker, a glutton for punishment, someone who is too nice for her own good.
FACT:  I threw away something with great potential for something fleeting and stupid.
FACT:  I feel like a bit of a walking disaster today.  :-)

On the upside, I had a lovely Sunday.  It was about the only good point in my weekend.  I went to Kings Dominion amusement park with a group of friends and had an amazing day outside riding scary as hell rollercoasters.  The weather wasn't too hot most of the day, it didn't rain, and it was a great escape from an otherwise lackluster and at times downright shitty holiday weekend. AND I didn't come home with a souvenir sunburn, yay!

Another realization.  My personality is obsessive only in the ways that don't benefit me.  If only I could redirect those tendencies to create a compulsion to write a novel, or update this blog everyday, or work out consistently.  Nope, I end up obsessing over material much more akin to that of a 14 year old girl:  Why isn't so and so texting me?  Is there a marathon of [insert awful tv show here] on today?  Or I fixate on three songs on an album to the point that any sane person would EXPLODE.

For the record, the album is by Foster the People entitled Torches.  My fixation songs are Helena Beat (OMG, LOVE, LOVE), Waste and Life on the Nickel.  So damn synthpoppy and catchy, they are like happy candy for my ears.  I am currently plotting a way to rationalize spending too much money on stubhub tix to their concert in DC 2 days before my birthday, and thinking of who I can con into joining me.  Obsessively.  ;-)

Did you all know it's hot as hell outside today?  I'm pretty excited to head out into it here in half an hour.  No big evening plans.  I declined an invite to a Nationals baseball game because a) it's hot b) I didn't have time to arrange a dog walker c) I'm super broke right now and d) I'm conflicted about this whole dating business.  Mother effer, what is wrong with me?

My dating gene is broken, or missing.  Methinks I got a double dose of the fall head over heels for someone and then screw it up gene, at least this time around.  Normally my defect is the standard non-variation of "fall head over heels for someone in two weeks and then get involved in a torrid long term relationship that eventually leaves you broken and emotionally bruised."  Ooh baby.

What happens when you only want the one frog's kisses, but you eff it up and that frog says "PEACE OUT" and you don't know if he'll even come back anywhere near your lily pad???  THAT, my friends, is the question of the day.

World's most random post.  I am full of random.  I feel like I just got spun in circles with a blindfold on and then released into the world with new, disoriented eyes.  Where do I go?  What do I do?

For tonight, I'm going simple.  Inevitably hot dog walk.  Likely quality time listening to my obsession songs loudly on my sound dock at home.  DVR.  Some kind of dinner, possibly necessitating a tiny grocery store trip.  And a cupcake.

Damn, I have a lot to say today.

You know what's really, really liberating?  To know that no matter what anyone else thinks, no matter what anyone else wants me to do, thinks I should do, I will ultimately do exactly what I want, and no one can change that. 

I know it is strange to revel so much in this independence, but I guess that for so long I felt like I was under the thumb of my ex, mostly by my own fault.  I let a fear of conflict or additional stress keep me from doing everything I wanted to do, and I felt so repressed..so held back...so trapped.  So now that I'm free of that burden, I think it just really hits me each time something comes up where the people in my life question my judgment, or tell me how to handle something. 

Sure, I value the opinions of my friends and family.  Yes, I take everything under advisement and consideration.  But I love, love, love that in the end, I will do exactly what I want to do, even if it is the dead opposite of what everyone wants.  This is my life, and these are my mistakes to make, my successes to relish.  I love owning it all, knowing that no matter what happens, I did what I wanted, without undue influence from anyone else.

Liberating, indeed.

I hate blogger.

Really  I just hate the internet.  Just had a delightful post introduction composed and STUPID STUPID BLOGGER ATE IT.  Must take a moment to gather my calm again before trying to put it back together.

Online Dating---It's an experience.

Yes, the title of this post is true...I've delved back into the dating world.  I figured there could be very little harm in putting myself back out there and seeing what happens.  I doubled my pleasure, doubled my fun by putting my (fake) name into the pots at both OkCupid and PlentyofFish. 

I did online dating once before very briefly when the boy and I broke up after 6 weeks of dating.  I wasn't too invested at that point, so I hopped right onto match.com and ended up with a couple of lackluster lunch dates.  Very friendly fellows, just not my type, and no sparks to speak of.  I'm the sort of person who can't really keep dating someone if there's no spark.  I just don't see the point!  Perhaps this is why I generally am a failure at casual dating?  :-)

Anyway, the one thing I really enjoy about this whole endeavor is that it is a pretty regular ego boost.  I don't seek out many people on these sites, I mostly just whip up an awesome, unique, entertaining profile and wait.!  I guess that's one way my writing comes in handy, I am pretty damn fantastic at selling myself as someone worth a second glance, and I think I generally convey a fairly accurate representation of what I offer on a day to day basis.  Sarcasm, pop culture awareness, a total lack of coordination, and a desire to be happy.  :-)

At this point I have only met one of these gentlemen in person.  We've been on a few dates and I'm enjoying myself.  I'm taking care to not get in over my head, and am still conversing with several others, with tentative plans to meet up for drinks, dinner, whatever.  I figure I may be a relationship person, but I'll be damned if I don't kiss a few frogs before I settle into another one! 

I'm weird, anyway.  As outlined in one of my previous posts, I haven't had a ton of experience in the dating world.  At age 32 I've only kissed four men.  Pretty innocent, I am!  ;-)  Is it so wrong to want to bump that number up a little before succumbing to the inevitable again?  I think not!

Anyway, the online dating provides me constant entertainment and near constant interaction if I want it.  Some people I can have genuinely entertaining conversations with, others fall flat almost instantly.  Already a couple have rubbed me the wrong way.  For example:

Don't message me if you're "Seeing Someone".  I don't care how informal that designation may be, I'm not interested.  If it matters enough to denote it on the site, it matters enough to me to say away from you!

Don't be a stalker.  Neediness is not cute.  Desperation is not cute.  One guy would see me online and immediately message me about 3 times in a row.  He asked once how the site was working for me and I told him I'd gone on a couple dates with someone.  He replied with a very dejected "Okay" and I thought, "SWEET.  Maybe he'll go away." 

Nope.  I logged on one day and he spied me and sent a very demanding missive:  "I thought you were dating someone!"  I kindly advised him that yes, I'd gone on dates with someone, but that I hadn't enrolled in a long term relationship after a week.  He replied instantaneously to tell me how hard I'd made him laugh with my response.  I try?  Weird.

I enjoy the freedom to just willfully discard people I've been talking to when they turn me off with a comment, or a behavior.  I like that I don't feel attached enough to care, and like it even better that I can block them if they get feisty.  Both the sites I'm on are free, so this experience is costing me nothing but free time, which I'm okay with.  I can afford to be picky because I'm not gunning to find my soulmate, I'm just seeing what's out there and passing some time.

I like the butterflies in the beginning.  I like the little games we play at first, trying to gauge interest.  I like laughing when the comedic vibes match.  I like wondering about first meetings, being pursued a little, feeling that power.  Perhaps that sounds bad, but whatever...it's honest. 

After being in a relationship where I always felt like I wasn't enough, where I always did the lion's share of the work, when I was the only one working to make things better, it's liberating to step back and let someone else do the work.  I'll participate if I feel it, but I'm not going out of my way for anyone just yet.

I'm always so good at first when dating someone.  They pursue me.  They want to see me more.  I'm the one controlling the pace.  But somewhere along the line I always seem to lose that, and the power shifts, and I'm back to being the one waiting.  The one on hold, the one being decided on. 

I want to decide.  At the very least, I want a say throughout, a more equal share of the say.  I deserve better than what I give myself sometimes in relationships, and eventually I need to learn how to get it.  Yes, I've gone on a few dates with one guy.  Yes, he gives me crazy butterflies.  Yes, he is an amazing kisser.  Yes, I want to see him again.  But I'm careful.  Watchful. 

I deserve to be listened to.  Even if I'm just talking about something that happened at work that day, or about the happy hour I went to with coworkers, or the weird thing I found on my walk with the dog that night...I deserve to be heard. 

It's such a challenge to find the right balance.  Physical chemistry with someone who listens.  Someone who makes you laugh, but isn't too needy or too flaky.  It's like trying to put together a giant puzzle and working on different pieces to see what actually goes together.  My puzzle is certainly incomplete again, but give me incomplete over a bad fit anyday.

Can't get sleepy

I believe that being off friday and being fantastically lazy since that day has thrown off my internal clock.  Here it is sunday night, 1:06am, and I am WIDE AWAKE, folks.  :-/  I figured I'd pop on here briefly before I get to the important business of laying around uselessly in bed trying to fall asleep.

It's been a meh kind of weekend.  Last week, quite honestly, is just a blur of sickness.  I had moments where I thought I was feeling better, I went on a crazy cleaning spree one night in my apt., and then I got kicked right back down.  Boom.  That's my usual warning sign that things have changed over into a sinus infection, so I had my Dr. appt. on Thursday and left with a Z-pak.  Last pill tomorrow, woo.  Still, I had tiny improvement each day over the weekend.

I still slept.  A lot.  My energy level was low.  The coughing still plagues me, though it has improved vastly.  I spent various times this weekend wishing I felt well enough to hit someone up for dinner or something, but I just never made it there.  I'd take the Merdogoutside for a bathroom break and feel tired by the time I got back.  And in my one misadventure, Saturday I went out to the grocery store for a few things and to DSW.  I had to leave DSW because I got caught in a coughing fit and couldn't stop.  Luckily I escaped with a pair of very cute clearance peep toed red shoes that I am madly in love with.  ;-)  They were purchased to go with my ensemble for my grandfather's birthday festivities.  Yup, that's my rationalization.

Had some interesting revelations in the midst of the medicine induced haze of the last few days.  No specifics just yet, but let's just say that some delusional clouds have parted (hopefully for good), and I got yet another chance to speak my mind quite bluntly today, and it felt damn good.  I am no longer interested in being someone's second choice, backup plan or anything of the sort.  I'm all about making myself my top priority right now, and if someone comes along who joins in that logic, fantastic...in the meantime, I'm good with flying solo!

Busy day on tap for tomorrow, at least at a few different points.  Should actually be a fairly busy week, at least compared to things lately for me.  It will all culminate in my trip home to see the friends and family on Saturday to Tuesday, which I'm greatly looking forward to.  That, and the chance to show off those red heels.  ;-)

Night, all!

Ouch, I've lost myself again

I am having a bad night.  This is an understatement.

It started out okay.  Same as always.  Got home and tended to the animals, made myself some dinner.  Watched some DVR, relaxed.  But somewhere, something strange crept in.  I thought back on my day, how quiet it had been in terms of chatter with friends.  I've gotten spoiled lately by talking to so many people through Facebook, email, chat, text, and even in person at work, so a day like today stands out.  I only talked to a couple of people on chat today, and I sought out two of them, one of them being the ex.  We're doing the friends thing, so it's not a big deal, but I admit I still feel a bit like a failure for contacting him instead of the other way around.

Regardless, quiet day.  Didn't mingle much at the office, kind of busy, still not feeling great.  Better than yesterday, but I sound awful and still have lots of room for improvement.  Maybe this is partially responsible for the emotional weakness that settled in tonight.  Wherever it came from, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was so damn lonely.

I quickly put on the Merdog's leash and a hoodie, the tears were already welling up in my eyes.  Suddenly I was so intensely, sickly lonely.  I walked out the door of my building and within 30 seconds I'd texted the ex "Hey".  It felt like a lifeline, but one that I was ashamed to call in.  Part of me wished I could unsend it, the other part of me just didn't really care because I felt so sad that my humility didn't matter.

Less than five minutes later my phone rings, and it's him.  I try to compose my crying self (yes, crying while walking my dog, thank god it was dark and empty out on my route) and answer the phone.  He tells me he saw my IM, but was driving so he couldn't respond, but didn't want to leave me hanging.  I try to act casual, like my IM was just random, but he knows me too well.  After a couple of minutes of idle chatter he hears the tiniest of cracks in my voice and asks again what's wrong.

Damn.  Damn, damn.  Now that the spotlight is on me, I can't even start to answer before the tears come.  I tell him nothing, really, I don't even know why I'm upset.  He pushes for more, I insist it's true, which it kind of is.  I don't know where the hell this came from.  But eventually I tell him the truth.  I don't know, I was just lonely and I miss you.  At least I have the presence of mind to tell him after that he's probably the last person I should tell that, too, but he says that's not true.

I'm just lonely.  I just miss him.  Damn it all to hell, why did this kick in tonight?  I have one day of mediocre contact with friends and I fall apart like this?  Not impressed with myself.  How can I feel so amazing some days and then just crumble like an old cookie on others?

We talked for a few minutes, and he does everything right.  He tries to distract me with idle chatter.  He commiserates.  He works to understand where this came from.  He offers comfort.  He asks if I want him to call when he gets home later in the evening.  I demur, leaving it up to him, trying to put up a brave front.  I tell him I'm going to take a long shower, decompress, unwind a little.  Maybe try to go to bed early, I don't know.  He asks how I'm feeling healthwise, tells me we'll chat more tomorrow than we did today.  I reassure him that it's not his obligation to entertain me or talk with me every single day, which he singlehandedly acknowledges, but also seems to set aside.

I get off the phone with him, knowing that he did every single thing right except the one thing I wanted most, which was to offer to come over to hang out with me.  Yes, I know this is completely impractical.  No, I never actually expected that.  But in my heart of hearts, it's what I wanted.  No sense denying that.  I wanted company, and I wanted his company.  I still do.  Judge away.

The tears came again before I even set the phone down.  I hurried to the bathroom to start the shower, but stopped because suddenly I felt so sick.  Forgive the overshare, but I actually got sick.  I'm not one to "get sick".  It was like being kicked when I was down.  Eventually I was well enough to get up and get into my shower.  I cried.  The whole time.  And after.  And then I came to this computer to tell you about it.

I don't know what I'm doing today.  I don't know what happened to me tonight, but I don't like it.  Sometimes I hate being a relationship person.  I hate that my ideal place in life, the state I'm happiest in, is when I have someone to love and who loves me, someone to share my time with, someone to be there when I'm lonely.  I wish I were stronger.  I wish I didn't feel so incomplete without that in my life.  But it's my flaw.  I can't work around it.

I am just so intensely lonely right now.  And I worry about myself in this state because I have a pattern, and I don't want to fall into it just because it's easy, but sometimes it's so tempting...and this makes me mistrust some of my friendships, because for whatever reason, I'm connecting better with my male friends right now.  Maybe because they tolerate the relationship talk, but it's only a small portion of the conversation?  Maybe it's easier to think about other things?  I have nothing but platonic male friendships in my life right now, but I actually worry myself at times like this, afraid I've sent a mixed signal to one of them, wondering if I've given the wrong impression even though I DISTINCTLY told him I wasn't looking to date anyone, in a more generalized context.

See what I'm doing here?  I'm wrapping myself up in more tension.  I'm putting stress on friendships, probably unnecessarily.  And in the back of my mind, I wonder about where I'm going from here...how tied up I still really am with the ex, how being friends will make things harder, if it's bad for me, if I give a damn.  I am not willing to sacrifice his presence in my life.  I just need to make it a presence that is healthy for me.

I wonder about dating, if I'm remotely ready, if  I could be capable of harmless distraction dating, or if I'd fall hard and fast like I historically have.

Bottom line?  I guess I'm still pretty lost.  And I guess that's okay.  Just because I got through the sunday conversation that had been looming for so long without falling apart doesn't mean that the falling apart wasn't acceptable or even expected.  I can still fall apart a little bit sometimes.  It doesn't mean I'm failing.  It means I'm experiencing this process in every fiber of my being, and sometimes it's going to hurt.  It's like growing pains, I guess.  Inevitable, something everyone goes through, a necessary evil.

Tonight, the growing pains are particularly painful.  And say what you will about it, but I will not deny that I wish I had a hand to hold while it happened.  This apartment is really so small, but sometimes it feels gigantic in its emptiness.

Sickly

I'm still here!  Forgive the absent blogging, but I've been beaten down for the last four plus days with some serious allergy issues.  For awhile I thought I had strep, but I'm convinced it's just good old seasonal allergies kicking my butt.  Stayed home from work yesterday because everything hurt too much to consider moving, and today I've felt marginally better.  Hoping for a significant upswing tomorrow.  ;-)

Just so I don't leave you in total suspense about this weekend...I lived.  We're trying the friendship thing.  No more asinine rules about how often we can contact each other and how, no more trying to force whatever we have into a mold.  I said my piece, all of them in fact, and we had a good discussion.  I felt like it was a very productive day, and we even got brunch!  Day one and two of the friendship experiment are under my belt, even if I don't remember most of Monday due to a sick fog, and I'm feeling good about our chances.  I love him too much to let him go from my life completely, and I believe the feeling is mutual.  I'm interested to see how things shake out down the line, but in the meantime I feel good about speaking up for myself, good about seeing my best friend again, and good in general...save for the congestion, the sore throat, the coughing, the aching ears............ 

And with that, I leave you all to go spend the night with my new BFF, Nyquil Cough.