Today is my Thursday. I leave (real) Thursday afternoon for Omaha until Sunday. I'm going to see my grandfather, and I have to be honest...I'm dreading it. I spoke with my brother yesterday and things sound pretty grim. I guess he had some hallucination on Thursday, and beyond that, he's barely eating and is under 100 lbs. He told my mom the other day that he's ready to go be with my grandma, and he's told others that he's tired and ready to go. My mom reminded him that I would be there Thursday and my uncle and aunt (his son) would be here April 9. He said he would rather us not see him this way and instead remember him as a healthier version of himself. It's ridiculously sad and I have been warned by both my mom and brother of how different he looks even since Christmas.
Work is a drag this week. I'm not super focused and there's just too much going on. BF and I had a big, stupid fight on Sunday and it really screwed over my Monday. We talked some last night (started out unproductive, ended on a slightly better note), but we have some things to work out in the coming days. I think that situation is just exacerbated by everything going on with my grandfather, and also next week is the anniversary of BF's dad's death. On top of that, my GYN called today and I had yet another abnormal PAP test. I have to go in for my one millionth (approximately) colposcopy next Wednesday because of the low grade cells that pop every time almost. Life is just really hard sometimes.
I'm not getting enough sleep, which isn't helping. In the middle of the BF drama last night I went and had my first session with my new trainer since my other one left. Nice guy, but not the same. I will likely do as planned and finish out my last session Monday and then wrap up the personal training and go forward on my own. He had me doing push ups (which I LOATHE) and kettle bell swings (which were actually not bad). I was dying, though. Inadequate sleep, almost nothing to eat all day, emotionally drained. Not ideal.
I am really going to try to get to bed earlier tonight. We'll see if I'm successful. I just want to go home and hang out with my cats (integration of new boy with the existing two is going very well) and J. It's hard to have any issues with BF going on right now because I need him right now. He's available to me, but I'm a little standoffish because of the argument and it's going to take some time for me to feel normal again. It's hard to focus on dealing with that on top of everything else, and I honestly think the time away in Omaha will be a good thing. I have no time to get any clarity on anything here, there's just too much swirling in my brain.
The irony of all of this is that stress, lack of sleep, poor diet are all things that can contribute to my abnormal test results, while those same results often trigger more of those reactions. It's a challenge to remember to take care of myself when I just feel like sleeping. Woke up with a migraine and am not surprised after all the crying, tiredness and inadequate eating of yesterday. Sigh.
I need an escape. I haven't read a book that really intrigued me in months. I'm half reading two books right now that are both meh to me. The first is "Fates and Furies", which I really wanted to love. It's OK, but I don't ever look forward to reading it. I want to finish it, but I've legitimately been reading it off and on (mostly off) for over a month and I'm not making a ton of progress. The other is "Yes Please" by Amy Poehler, which is a mixed bag. Some of the chapters are pretty enjoyable, while the ones that chronicle her improv days (over and over, in detail) are skim worthy to me after the first such section. It's not proven to be a laugh out loud book for me at all yet either.
Does anyone have any recommendations for books that you found incredibly engrossing, awesome, don't want to put it down lately? I need something to focus on that actually gets my interest, especially since I have some flights coming up. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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Oh, girl. I am so sorry to hear life has been so unkind lately. Cannot imagine the swirls that are your heart and mind right now. I understand your grandfather wants you to remember him at his best and most healthy - and you will - and I also know you want to be with him as much as possible. And that is a good thing.
ReplyDeleteYou've mentioned many times the past couple years that your relationship with BF is the most "adult" relationship you've had yet. Hoping the time apart gives you both the breathing room it sounds like you both need to be there for each other during such crappy days.
And books - have you read any of the "Spellman Files" series by Lisa Lutz? They're just fun to me. I just finished "The Language of Flowers," which was eh. Sounds like the book you're reading - you just want to be finished with it already! According to Goodreads, my other 4+ star ratings of late were for "Where'd You Go, Bernadette?" by Maria Semple (laughed out loud, quirky and so good), "Big Little Lies" by Lianne Moriarty and "Why Not Me?" by Mindy Kaling. I need to scour your page to find other (wait for it) good reads.
Thank you for the book recs, I will check them out.
DeleteYeah, rough week, very exhausting. Too much to handle right now, so I'm just doing the best I can each day!
(HEY! I was able to comment from work!)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about your grandfather. Saying good-bye to mine was one of the hardest things in the world. We too knew it was coming and he was a shell of himself when he finally passed away. It was hard to see him looking so old and small, however, that's not how I remember him. I remember him when he was younger, stronger, laughing and bike riding with us. It's the memories of him living you will remember, not the memory of him leaving this world.
ReplyDeleteSome books I recommend are: An Untamed State by Roxane Gay, We are Water by Wally Lamb, The Pearl that Broke Its Shell by Nadia Hashimi and Moloka'i by Alan Brennert
ReplyDeleteThank you for the book recs AND the kind words. Your situation with your grandfather sounds like mine...he's definitely a shell of himself at this point. Hard times for sure.
DeleteBooks: Reconstructing Amelia, Necessary Lies, and The Japanese Lover are books I read recently that I loved.
ReplyDeleteSorry you're having a rough week! It's tough losing a loved one, and having to make a special trip to say good bye is just heart-wrenching. Hope it goes as smoothly as something like that can. In regards to fights with BF, those are tough. I can't compartmentalize so sometimes it's hard to focus on other tasks, i.e. the rest of your daily life. I'm glad he's being available to you when you need him though, that's so important!
Thanks for the book recs! I read Reconstructing Amelia awhile back, but it was an excellent book.
DeleteThe trip was as good as it could be. Right now just trying to be a guy and keep everything in its own compartment, LOL. :)