Friday, January 2, 2015

You be the judge

I have a situation I want to lay out for you all, and I want your thoughts.

As background:

I may have discussed it before, but BF dated a girl about 7 years ago for a little over a year.  His daughter was young at the time and so she grew fairly close to the GF when they dated, especially since she was around their house so much.  BF broke up with her because he couldn't see a future with her in a romantic sense.  They remained very close friends in the following years.  Much like Ex-H and I did during my solidly single years, they became each other's BF/GF stand-ins.  They went to weddings together, they did holidays together on occasion, they spent birthdays together.  They did a lot of things with his daughter, too.  This continued all the way up to right before we started dating. They had done a gingerbread decorating expo as a threesome for Christmas and he'd gone to an event at Verizon Center with her in the first couple weeks we were dating.

When we started dating more seriously, we had a discussion wherein we both outlined that we were good friends with exes, and that as long as we were open about it and we were now re-allocating certain activities to one another as opposed to the ex (ie, birthdays spent with each other instead of with the exes), we wouldn't have any issues.

At some point within our first couple months of dating, his (long ago) Ex sent me a FB friend request out of the blue.  I've never met her.  It was weird.  I told him about it, and he was pretty weirded out. She withdrew the request within a couple of hours, but it was already in the universe.

Later in the spring BF's cat got really sick.  He contacted her for help since she had experience with what his cat was going through.  She offered to help and ended up heavily involved for the next few days.  She stayed over one night (his daughter was there as well) and they all stayed up all night trying to get the cat to eat, drink, giving her meds, etc.  I wasn't thrilled, and it caused some tension, but I understood why he involved her ultimately.  My main issue came on the day that he had to let the cat go.  The three of them went to the vet and afterwards got some dinner.  She offered to stay the night again, and he declined.  I thought that was inappropriate of her to even suggest, but again....he told her no, so it was fine.

The next day she posted a HUGE Facebook status update about everything that had happened with the cat.  She wrote about how much she loved BF and his daughter, how strong they were, how she had done everything she could to help.  She posted pictures of herself hugging his daughter while she held the cat for the last time.  The post resulted in all of her friends commenting to tell her how amazing she was to be there for them, how lovely it was that she cared so much.  Her replies to the comments were huge long posts basically patting herself on the back.  It reeked of desperation, but I let it go.  BF had nothing to do with it, didn't ask for it, didn't reply to it.

He was further weirded out by it, I think, and subsequently didn't talk to her for months.  Hasn't talked to her since then.  At that time she asked for his daughter's phone number to text her about things, and he checked with her and she said she didn't want him to give her the number.  So he ignored the request and Ex let it go.

Jump to yesterday.  I spent NY's Eve and NY's day at BF's house.  We had to run to the grocery store at 5pm for an ingredient for our turkey burgers, and got back about 5:30.  I left for the night about 8pm.  We headed out  the door, him carrying my bag, and found a huge tote bag full of stuff on the porch.  It had a card on top and was addressed to BF's daughter using a nickname he and his family have used for her since childhood.

I knew immediately who it was from and said, "Well, I have my guess as to who this is from."  He said, "I'm sure you're right."  Picked it up, put it inside the door.  I was already going down to the car, but said, "That's really weird.  So she came all the way out here and then didn't even knock?"  Note that it was NOT there when we got back from the store.

He said, "I guess so!"  I said, "I'm sure she saw my car in the driveway and that's why."  He agreed.  I asked if he'd talked to her recently and he said he hadn't spoken to her in months.  I voiced my opinion that it was really weird, and asked why she continues to think she is daughter's mom or family.  He said he didn't know.  We got to my car and said our regular goodbyes and I left.

Key points:

She lives 40-45 minutes away.  She drove out uninvited, without asking him, in the dark on a cold winter night.  Upon arrival, she didn't even knock or ring the doorbell, instead leaving the Christmas gift on the porch by the door.

Found out later she'd also tagged BF in a post on FB for the first time in MONTHS.  Something totally innocuous about a brewery opening nearby and how excited he surely was about it, but still. A post on her wall, tagging him, when they haven't talked in months.

Now that I've laid it all out for you....what do you think???

ETA:  BF told me previously that his daughter has always been more weirded out than anything by Ex's attempts to be her mom/BFF.  She tolerated the efforts more than appreciated them, at least in recent years as she's gotten older.  So I'm not worried that his daughter is in any way attached to Ex, in fact, I think she'll view this gift thing as really odd.  And for the record, I know BF finds the whole thing, and how it came about, to be quite odd, too!


  1. Hmm... I was going to say 'This smells a bit fishy' but then I realised it might be seen as a terrible pun! The ex's behavious seems very 'sketchy' to me, it seems a tad desperate... Does she know that it's completely over? Or is she carrying some weird torch and thinks that if she hangs around long enough, she'll be the 'shoulder to cry on'? If so, that seems awfully disrespectful to you, since she knows you're his long-term partner and that he loves you and that you're in a committed relationship...

    I also think it's kinda worst in your situation because you have BF's daughter to think about, because obviously she was attached to her at some point and still might be. However, that bothers me, I don't like people exploiting the feelings of children...

    The card and asking for the daughter's phone number sound a bit scary... She sounds slightly unhinged...

    For me, she sounds like one of those exes that don't want to admit that things have changed/ended, so they 'linger', secretly hoping. It probably sounds callous, but BF might need to a) cut her out completely, or b) tell her under no uncertain terms and explicitly, that he's with you but not only that but that he has no interest in her and never will do...

    I hope this resolves itself, because she sounds quite stalker-type scary! Take care of yourself too!

    1. Thanks for the reply! I edited to clarify that BF's daughter has been, in recent years, more put off by these efforts to be close to her than open to it. She's pretty indifferent to her, so I don't worry at all that daughter is attached to her anymore.

      The whole thing is super weird to me, and yeah, I found it creepy. To me, the fact that she drove 40 minutes out of her way on a cold, dark night and then didn't even knock shows that a) she knew that if she asked about coming over she'd get turned down and b) her intentions are not friend-based, as any real friend would want to meet the person her good friend was so happy with.

      BF isn't good at confrontations and doesn't want to be mean, so I wouldn't be surprised (or bothered) if he chooses to just ignore it. I feel like he hasn't talked to her in months, and she has no one to blame but herself for not respecting the boundaries.

  2. It IS weird and creepy. Seems like she's in denial and having trouble letting things go. The positive is that BF doesn't seem to be encouraging it or responding at all. Though if they haven't talked in months, and he's not interested in maintaining any sort of relationship with her, why doesn't he just unfriend/block her on FB so she can't tag him? If something major comes up, couldn't they always get in touch by phone?

    A friend of mine is going through the same thing with his ex - she keeps liking his fb statuses, posting things to his wall, etc. But in this case, he's single and is interested in maintaining a friendship.

    Hopefully BF's ex will eventually get the hint and just fade out.

    1. Just posted an update on this. I think that how your friend's situation is is how things used to be with them, but it's like once he got into a real, long-term relationship she couldn't actually handle it!

  3. They dated 7 years ago, why the fuck is she sniffing around now? The only thing I can think of was she wasn't so happy when he ended things, but decided to "remain friends" hoping that he would eventually see how great she was until he changed his mind and "saw the light". This could be a case of feeling sad/lonely/desperate around the holidays, as I can see how that can get to you, but this is getting close to stalker territory.

    Think about it, if a guy was doing this to you, how would your boyfriend feel? How would you feel? I'm sure you would be super creeped out and scared, that's how I would feel and I consider myself pretty tough most days.

    I think he needs to have a clear cut conversation with her. Officially end the "friendship" or whatever, remove her from Facebook, the whole deal. He doesn't have to be rude about it, just discuss it with her in a calm way that he doesn't appreciate her advances or actions lately. Hopefully she is sane enough to respect that decision, but who knows.

    1. I LOVE your blunt honesty. You often say the things I'm thinking in my head, but feel wary of saying out loud. :-) He broke up with her, so I'm sure she was pining through the years on some level and hoping that eventually things would shift and they could get back together. Unfortunately I came along and blew that all to hell. :-p

      Just posted an update post if you want more info on all this fun!

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Not sure why you deleted, but I really appreciated your insight pre-deletion! Thanks for chiming in! I just posted an update, FYI. :-)

  5. I do have to disagree with the majority here. By your own words ( she was close to your partner right up until you came along and I can't even imagine how hurtful it must have been once he started focusing on you and dropped her like a hot potato.

    Okay, maybe he didn't, but I am only going on what I've read and that is how it comes across and if I was original girlfriend-turned-friend, I would be so upset to be sidelined in that way, simply because a new girlfriend was insecure.

    1. By my own words in posts months ago, I didn't have a problem with her until she started crossing lines. BF told me right off the bat he was friends with an ex from years ago and that they got together once a month or so for dinner. He asked if I had a problem with it and I was relieved, as I told him that I was also friends with my ex from several years ago and got together occasionally with him. We both agreed that as long as we were open about it and everyone was respectful of our relationship, all was good.

      His ex made it weird very early on by sending me a FB friend request even though I'd never met her. I told BF b/c it was weird and wanted to see if he'd suggested it or anything, and he had no idea. He was weirded out by her behavior and we mutually decided that he'd just let that one go for the time being. That was his first indication that she may not be very adept at dealing with him in a relationship.

      After that they were cool again, still chatting periodically via text. I hung out with my ex once or twice with no issue, he didn't with her for whatever reason (schedules-both hers and his, whatever). Either way, it definitely had nothing to do with me.

      They saw each other again in the spring when she helped him out with something involving a sick pet. Her knowledge and assistance were a great resource and that was all fine and good until the situation was ended (cat had to be let go) and she was offering to stay the night at his house. He felt that was inappropriate and that was another quiet nail in the coffin of the friendship. It was exacerbated when she smeared his sad situation all over FB like it was her own and like she was the hero by helping.

      The only reason he distanced himself from her over time is that she is one of those people who takes a normal interaction and feels the need to blow it up and post it everywhere, or to take it as a sign that she's invited for sleepovers. BF saw that she was continually behaving in ways that weren't respectful to the relationship she knew he was in, and thusly distanced himself, all on his own accord.

      I know it's really easy to fall into that assumption that the friendship ended because the new girlfriend got jealous, but it's not always so simple as that. I know my BF well enough and respect him enough to recognize that he has his own mind and doesn't need me to force his hand in uncomfortable situations. I'm proud to date someone who saw the problem on his own without me bitching and moaning and complaining about it before something changed.

      I do understand how it may have come off that way if you'd only read the one post instead of knowing the whole backstory, though. I NEVER want to be that person who sabotages opposite sex friendships out of insecurity, as I've been on the other side of that before and know how hurtful it is. I was very, very cognizant of that when we started dating and have made a constant, ongoing effort to ensure that any changes he's made in friendships were made of his own decision and not to appease me.

      Thanks for reading!

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