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Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Update: You Be the Judge

I wanted to post an update regarding my recent post about BF's ex who keeps popping up.

We talked more about it this weekend and I got more information.  This included the following:

At some point in recent months, I'm not sure exactly when, BF removed Ex from his close/friends and family group on FB and put her in the periphery group, meaning that she can basically see nothing on his wall and hasn't been able to for months.  She has tagged him in things a couple of times in recent months and he's not acknowledged it by liking it or replying.

Ex sent daughter a Halloween card with a giftcard in it in the fall.  Daughter was not interested.  They didn't acknowledge the gift in any fashion, so a few weeks later Ex texted BF to ask if they got it in light of the gift card.  He never replied.

When BF picked daughter up on Friday, he told her about the gift and the details of it (being dropped off with no notice, no knock when we were home).  She also thought it was weird.  She legit left on Saturday evening and never even touched it.  The gift bag remained by the front door, the card unopened, the gifts untouched.  Ha!

I asked BF if he was going to make her send a Thank you note or anything and he said no, they were just going to ignore it.

So...it's not a direct way of dealing with it.  He hasn't formally booted her on FB or told her to stop or talked to her about boundaries.  He's just gradually unraveled her from his life a little more each time she does something weird or creepy or out of line.  She pops up less often, but hasn't given up the ghost entirely.  I imagine there will be another text at some point asking if daughter got the gift (cake baking materials, something she's not been into for a long time), but I imagine that will also go unanswered.  Eventually, she'll figure it out, or she'll keep being ignored.

I don't feel bad for her because she is legitimately creepy.  He said she lives almost an hour away. WTF???  It's weird and desperate and sad, and hopefully she takes the hint.  I think that for a long time she was so glad to be BF's stand in gf even though they were broken up, and I'm betting that she carried a torch at least a little bit the whole time.  He is the one who ended it because he didn't see a future with her.  Anyway, she did this to herself, and she crossed lines and boundaries and gradually forced his hand...she forced him to see her as the nutter she was acting like.

I am perfectly fine with this method of dealing with the situation for the record.  Some people behave in such a way that they don't merit the effort of trying to explain why they're out of line, and I think this is one of those cases.  I don't think that even if he called her up and had this discussion with her that it would even register.  Sometimes silence speaks louder and more clearly than any words do. He tried with her for the first few months, but she simply couldn't and wouldn't respect that he was in a relationship, and luckily for me BF wouldn't tolerate that.

Thank you so much for all the thoughts and insight.  I know some would like it handled differently, but this is how he's handling it at this point, and hopefully it will work.  If she keeps pushing, maybe time for a real conversation will be appropriate, but right now this is the plan of action.  Every time she pops up, the little evil part of me thinks of this ecard I saw one time:



I know, I'm terrible, but COME ON.  ;-) Take a hint already!  I can't get over the fact that they dated nearly 8 years ago and she's still holding on this hard.  The important thing,though, is that BF recognized this was not cool and took (passive) actions accordingly.  So refreshing to be with someone who can put aside the fact that this is an ego booster and realize that respecting his current relationship is more important than having some ex still worship you and go to creepy levels to show her adoration.  ;-)



12 comments:

  1. OMG. Just catching up. She is freaking insane. I mean really...does she think by buying his daughter gifts she will win him back???? And who even gives gifts on Halloween? Odd duck. For sure.
    I think ignoring is the way to go in this case. Any contact could give her hope.

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    1. THANK YOU! I totally agree. The sad thing is that her gifts to his daughter reflect that she still thinks of her as the little girl she knew when they dated EIGHT YEARS AGO. She's totally out of touch with the person she is now at 14!

      I agree about the ignoring. Sometimes people like that take any reply and use it as justification to keep going.

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  2. 8 years?! Oh my goodness. I'm glad he's doing something...even if it's action by inaction. She's creepy. For sure.

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    1. Right? Such a long time to hold on so hard. Even though I knew logically she was a nutter, I'm glad to have this opinion validated...by BF, his daughter, and you guys!

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  3. Why won't she just give up the ghost? Surely the fact that all the silences from BF and daughter should be enough of a message, especially since it's the ONLY response they've given her and it's been so often! Like not once, not twice, not even thrice, but sounds like this has been more than a dozen times, over the span of a long period.

    Ok, yes, you HAD something special (maybe, but probably not since BF split up with her), yes, it was a big chunk of your life BUT it's OVER. BF has clearly moved on, he wouldn't have done so if he wasn't happy to do so and wasn't previously unhappy with her!!! She sounds um... the phrase "bat shit crazy" comes to mind... What is she hoping to achieve? I mean IF BF was contemplating going back to her (he wouldn't) coming off as a deranged nutcase is not attractive or appealing to anyone, and IF he was thinking about it, surely he would have done it already? She should definitely get the message already!

    Living an hour away??? WTH?! Stop with the bunny boiling antics! Go meet some morons on POF, or OKCupid - MOVE ON!

    I'm so glad you're handling this well (as you can see, I'm quite angry!) I wouldn't be as remotely calm as you have been. You deserve a medal for your patience and the fact that you've been so stoic about the whole matter. I was thinking about what you were writing, and even the level of her derangement, I wonder if BF even sat her down and explicitly told her "We're over and we'll never get back together" if she would actually believe it.

    By the way, I love those sarcastic e-cards and that in particular makes me smile.

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    1. Yeah, I have no good answer as to why she hasn't given up already. She knew she crossed lines to some degree (she withdrew the FB friend request after a few hours, she qualified her offer to stay the night after the cat passed away with, "only if your gf is okay with it" (!!!). But she keeps on pushing.

      Like you said, they had history, I get that. But I think this was one of those situations where their history worked best when he was single and available to be her stand in BF, and when he is unavailable it flounders. Boundaries are not her friend!

      Believe me, I think she's totally batshit crazy, but I know that's not a productive thing to tell BF, LOL. I want to be respectful of their history and the fact that they had a relationship and then a friendship. So I bite my tongue because I know that putting my negative thoughts about her into the universe only make me look petty, and I don't want to be that person. So I just think it instead. ;)

      She's definitely some kind of character. By BF's own admission, everything she does is OVER THE TOP. She posts those long-winded, overly sentimental blatherings all the time on FB about whomever she's spent time with, and she LOVES everyone and LOVES everything and wants to hug all the things. Not going to lie, I've followed the trail from her FB tags on BF's page and looked at her FB page, and well....she is a person who thrives on the validation from friends. She posts weird glamour shot pictures of herself all the time with her boobs hanging out, and everyone tells her how sexy/beautiful/amazing she is. I think she is just one of those people who has a lot of insecurities and is always in search of validation from others. I'd feel bad for her...if she weren't clinging like plastic wrap to my BF and his kid, LOL.

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  4. It's one thing to leave BF gifts but it's another thing to involve his daughter. Even if Ex is not being harmful, the daughter is not a bargaining chip.

    Personally, I think BF should remove her from FB too, but otherwise continue to ignore.

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    1. I'll definitely encourage that if anything like this happens again. For right now we're hoping the awkward behavior just stops!

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  5. I'd unfriend her on FB. And continue the silent treatment.

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    1. Yeah, that's what I'm going to encourage if anything else happens on that front. One of these days she has to take the hint!

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  6. Whoa. Sounds like a Stage Five clinger situation. ;-)

    But in all seriousness, it's been eight years. It's possible something happened recently (she got dumped) and is feeling particularly vulnerable/lonely and she decided to latch onto this. Not that any of it is OK! But if the "silent no" approach doesn't seem to stick (see if she's still pulling this sh** in a month or two), then BF needs to speak up and/or just unfriend her. The latter usually speaks volumes. ;-)

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    1. Oh, most definitely! She's a nutball hanging onto something that isn't there anymore.

      Hopefully this won't come up again, but if it does I'm definitely going to speak my piece, which would involve defriending her and calling her out on her inappropriate behavior.

      Good to see you around again! :-)

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