Check your ego at the door there, cowboy

They always come back.  And by the time they do, I really want them even less than before.  Case in point:

This guy messaged me this morning.  Relevant information:  our last contact was in the second week of July.  Prior to that our last contact was FALL 2011. 

So he sends me this bitchy little message that read: "I thought dating wasn't your thing now. I see that at least you know how to be honest."

Um, seriously?  Get over yourself.  There is nothing I love more on a friday morning than a self-righteous, baselessly judgmental message from a big boy with a huge ego and probably a tiny tool in his pants.  Was I truly this awesome that I continue to haunt him?  I didn't realize how much I mattered!  It's not creepy.  At all.  :-/ ;-)

I debated about the nature of my response, or if I should even respond at all.  I did:

Hello to you, too!

Here's some friday honesty for you:

Not that I owe anyone an explanation for anything I do, but I've had this profile up for eons. My dating interests ebb and flow from week to week, so when I told you it wasn't my thing, it wasn't. The profile remained up because I don't care enough to take it down, and I simply ignore it when I'm not into it. I was overloaded with work at the time and that's all I focused on for a couple of months.

I also was turned off that you blew me off the first time around, and then circled back around after some time on the online dating merry go round. I'm not interested in being a backup plan or a second choice once you've seen what else is out there.

I hold no ill will towards you, I just think that any window we may have had was missed the first time around, and when you messaged me again months later, I was hesitant about talking to you again. My heart wasn't in it. Couple that with being overloaded at work, I just chose not to pursue things any further, with you or with anyone at that time.

Your parting words about it being my loss didn't really impress me either. That sounded like sour grapes, and I'm not one who is looking to spar with a big ego.

I wish you lots of luck on this site, and I hope you find someone that is a good fit for you, either here or somewhere else.

Take care!

I've not gotten a response yet, but I expect something snarky and possibly spiteful.  This man's ego is ridiculous, and why he can't just let it go and move on is beyond me.  We went out on ONE DATE.  He blew me off after that date.  He finds me again several months later, and acts as if I'm supposed to be so grateful that someone so wonderous has alighted upon my barren romantic life again.  Guy is good looking on the surface, sure.  But I'm beginning to see that inside he's a very unnattractive person.  Confidence is one thing, but an overblown ego is another entirely. 

I was much nicer in my response to him than I initially wanted to be.  He really merited something quite bitchy, or to just be ignored entirely, but I took the path I did and I'm okay with it.  I said my piece, and I was honest.

Don't judge me, little man.  Open up your eyes and realize that your behavior carries weight, your actions have consequences, and a pretty smile and nice muscles will not erase the fact that you are a true jackass, at least not for this girl!

Couch = Perfect Man

So like I said earlier, I have a date tonight.  I have to tell you, I'm tired just thinking about it.  My trainer worked me really hard last night, then I went out for a few hours after and got more worn out.  Today at work we had our monthly all personnel lunch, and I ate more than I usually do for lunch.  I'm dragging here.  Also, my abs hurt like whoa.  Evil crunches with resistance bands and other assorted torture items.  My legs are sore, too.  Squats are the devil.

I've been toiling and debating about how to arrange tonight, all the while smacking myself for agreeing to go out on a date when I'd really just like a date with my couch and my DVR.  I need to get a workout in, but our scheduled meetup time is around 8. 

a) I could go to the gym first, but come on...my hair looks really cute today, and going to the gym would require hurrying home for a quick shower I won't even enjoy, all to rush back out not looking as cute as I do now.  ;-) 
b) Alternately, I could go after the date, but that may put me at the gym around 10:30.  I've done it before, but it's not the most desirable timing, especially when I'm already so tired.
c) I could just go on a long walk outside pre-date, and count that as my workout for the night.  Skip taking friday night off and do my full workout then.  Go after the date to the gym if I suddenly get an extra burst of energy.
d) Shut up about all of it because talking this much about how to fit a workout in around a date is annoying.  ;-)

I WANT TO DATE MY COUCH.  He wears a nice coat, in the form of a lovely, soft blanket.  He cuddles and spoons with me and doesn't talk too much.  He likes my cats.  He is perfectly located (in my living room, in front of the TV, with a remote for DVR control nearby).  He won't tell me to change my hair, ditch my hoodie, or ask me to leave the house if I don't want to. 

I wonder if I am too tired to be my sparkly self.  I need an energy boost!  Evil, heavy lunch.  I think my body has shifted so that when I eat the indulgent things, or even just the slightly LESS healthy things, I feel weighted down from it.  Weirdness.

That is all.  Except for this:  sparkle, sparkle.

Just Say Yes

I am listening to the new Mumford & Sons album, and as expected, I'm madly in love with it.  The music is beautiful, I love the lyrics, and it's just so lovely to have in the background at work, or in the foreground when I get the chance.   The only problem with Mumford & Sons is that listening to them tends to make me feel all introspective and thinking-like.  Is that actually a problem?  Maybe not, so long as I don't OVERthink, which I am often prone to do.

Practical business aside, first.  Met with trainer last night, and my abs and arms are sore as proof!  He is definitely beginning to ramp up the difficulty of our sessions by modifying some of the existing exercises and adding additional resistance or weight.  We did my measurements last night and I lost another half an inch on my waist and half an inch off my bicep.  Same thigh measurement, but he again assured me it was no cause for panic, and that things would shift on that front eventually.  I trust him, so I'm taking him at his word.  My important takeaway from this is that my waist is now 4 inches smaller than it was a month ago, and my bicep is an inch smaller.  I'm 3.5 inches away from goal measurement on waist and 1 inch from goal measurement on bicep.  Four inches to go on evil thighs, LOL.

ANYWAY.  I illogically decided that I should totally overbook myself this week.  Monday it was acupuncture and gym.  Tuesday trainer and met up with a friend for a couple of hours.  Tonight it's gym and then a date.  Tomorrow, trainer then a date.  What ever am I doing to myself?  All of these things require me to run home, shower/change and run back out the door in a quick-like fashion.  I suspect I may be staying home friday night to recover, and maybe finally do some laundry!

Tonight's date:  Guy seems very sweet and sincere.  Not someone who strikes my attraction fancy right off the bat, but you never know.  Not unattractive, anyway. Name is disturbingly similar to angry ex, but I can't hold that against him.  We're going miniature golfing, so that will either be really fun, or a really bad idea if he's a dud.  Those courses can take awhile in nice weather with the crowds!  :-/  I was going to suggest just a drink or something to eat, but I felt like being impulsive and gambling.  At most it will be an 60-90 minutes of my time, you know? 

Tomorrow night's date:  Guy seems like a charmer and like he has a good sense of humor.  Very good looking.  We'd initially talked a few months back, but things fell off the radar before we ever met, and I do believe that was on me.  He resurfaced again, so I thought I'd give it a shot.  We're just meeting at a local restaurant for a drink. 

Neither of them live particularly close, but date #1 is in the area tonight for a retirement party before our meeting, and date #2 works in the area.  We shall see if either of them merit the pronouncement of nicknames.  ;-)  I'm talking to probably 3-4 other people, including one I know definitely wants to go out sometime soon.  I've been talking to him for 2-3 weeks now.  I guess I'm in one of my phases where I'm just throwing a bunch of things out there and seeing if anything sticks.  In other words, I'm just saying yes, at least more often than I had been previously.

I want something real.  I want someone who wants me.  I want the whole big picture instead of just a tiny framed excerpt, one part of a larger piece.  I'm tired of having the leftover pieces. 

Fair Game

The title of this post is derived from the current Essie nail polish I'm sporting.  It's a lovely slate blue/gray color that I rather adore.  It also refers to the online dating world, where apparently anything is fair game.

Last night I got a message from a man that said "You have  a really pretty smile.  Why don't you grow your hair out?"

Huh.  Seriously, did I just get a suggestion on how to improve my appearance from a total stranger on an online dating site?  Why, yes I did! 

Of note:  My profile even says I have short hair and I like it that way, and no I won't grow it out for you.  I did this because a disproportionate number of the men I encounter at some point ask me that, ESPECIALLY if we date for any period of time.  Look, I get that many men like longer hair.  Hey, I love dark hair and blue eyes on a guy.  I also prefer shorter hair on men and am not a fan of most facial hair. 

Here's the difference, though:  If I'm skating around on a dating website perusing my options, I'm not going to message some guy with longer hair or a beard and say, "Hey, nice smile, but ever considered shaving that beard or cutting that hair?"  I may THINK it, I may WISH it, but I've learned that when swimming in the online dating pools, you need to accept people at face value, and not date them with a goal of changing the undesirable traits at a later point. 

I did respond to the guy and basically said, "Wow, that's the first time I've ever gotten a suggestion on how to improve my appearance on here.  I like my hair short, btw."  He wrote back and apologized, saying he wasn't insulting me, and was just curious, but come on now....too late.  I just deleted him at that point.

I am what I am, folks.  I don't have a supermodel body, and no matter how long or hard I work out with this trainer, I never will, and I'm good with that.  :-)  I have short hair, and it's full of messy curls, and even if *I* want to grow it out a little, it will never be long hair.  It's blonde, but not too blonde, and I have freckles on my cheeks, and even though I forget they're there, they remain.  Some days I dress well, some days I dress plain, some days I may even look a bit bedraggled.  I don't always wear mascara, and I will never have a perfectly polished look.  I'm clumsy and I'm silly and I laugh at dumb things and like goofy things. 

And therein ends my essay on online dating for the day.  ;-)

On the upside, I'm still talking to a few potentials who HAVEN'T questioned my appearance, though I did just get a message from a guy whose profile picture is a car.  WTF, mate?  Must think of a clever response to that one!

And finally, today was weigh in day.  Down another pound and a half, bringing me to a 4 week total of 5 1/2 pounds lost. :-)  Measurements tonight, methinks. Crossing fingers.....

Cheers!

Tumbling into Fall

Happy fall!  This is my favorite season by far, and in a handful of days we'll be arriving into my favorite month.  Lately our weather in the DC area has been spectacular, with cool mornings and evenings and lovely, sunny days.  I am crossing fingers that it continues and we get the pleasure of a real autumn.  I need to get down to my storage space and pull out the few seasonal decorations I have.  Once October arrives I can go out and get pumpkins, too!

So my weekend was weekend-like.  Boot camp on Saturday was incredibly difficult, but I still had fun.  We had to do more running, both in laps around the track at a steady pace and sprinting in relay-type events with fellow classmates.  He had us doing things that meant our performance affected others, and that was slightly intimidating! I will admit, though, that it is motivating! 

The last thing we did for the day was a relay with three teams of three.  We had to side shuffle down the width of the football field and back, then sprint the same distance, and then it was the next person's turn.  I was the third to go on my team, and I'm proud to say that I managed to perform well enough that my team won!  Our first leg we got a bit of a lead, but I pushed through and closed it out strong with my teammates yelling encouragement from the starting line.  :-)

Today I had a second co-worker notice my increasingly baggy pants, yay!  This week is measurements week again, too.  I'm not sure if he'll do that Tuesday or Thursday, but it's coming, plus my own weigh in tomorrow morning.  Also will be time for my requisite two week pictures I'm doing for my own personal record.  Tomorrow marks 4 weeks I've been doing this. Cheers!

Hmm, what else?  I blocked SC on gchat this weekend.  I had already decided I was done with him when he messaged me Saturday about the football game between our two teams.  He was trash talking right off the bat, and it was pushing my buttons.  I tried to be nice, but eventually I decided I no longer needed to walk on eggshells for this silly little boy, so I told him I thought his team was overrated (which I do).  He was not pleased, LOL.  He got snarkier, and as his team demolished mine (which I fully acknowledged, I'm not blind), he just kept going.  He said things like "Oh, this game is so close.  I hope I don't lose my bet."  I told him that he wasn't a very gracious winner, and he said "Don't trash talk back and I won't gloat."  And, BLOCK! 

I was tempted to get into a verbal sparring match with him, but he wasn't worth a single minute more of my time, so I blocked him and felt better.  What a toxic, petty little person!  Dodged a bullet there.

In other maybe dating news, I'm having an unusually good run of conversations on the online dating front lately.  I've got a small posse of gentlemen I'm talking to who actually seem possibly like good candidates, which is refreshing.  One has already asked me out for this week, I'm currently just deciding if I'm ready to proceed, LOL.  Beyond that, it's just nice talking to a few people who seem intelligent, well spoken and with at least a little bit of potential!  Sure would be nice to find someone to stay warm with for the cooler fall days. ;-)

Tonight should be a good night, if a bit busy.  I have my monthly acupuncture appointment at 7, and then I plan to come home and relax briefly before heading out to the gym to get my workout knocked out.  I don't mind going a bit later because it means I can watch the Monday night football game while I'm there, and that can help pass the time quite nicely.

Anyway, enough generic type rambling for now!

Unimpressed

Unimpressed, indeed.  Yesterday was not an encouraging day in the Bluemoon dating universe!

To clear up the SC issue...my instincts have been going haywire with regards to him since the day after our first date.  When I had my meltdown on Saturday before the marathon date, it was triggered by these weird feelings that he reminded me of my evil ex.  However, I couldn't tell for sure if it was just my own baggage coming up, or if it actually had to do with SC specifically.  He talked me down some over the phone, I went on the date and we had a really good time.

Since then, though, the red flags have been chasing along behind me.  First, the sleeping through Monday plans.  Not great, but perhaps forgiveable.  Bailing on Wednesday because he didn't feel well.  Fine, though I wasn't pleased. 

We had this IM exchange yesterday that really rubbed me the wrong way, and again personified my issue with him.  Over IM and text, he is defensive.  Condescending.  It almost seems like he wanted to pick a fight.  He made some snotty comment to me and I just disengaged.  I said "Ok.  I have to go to a meeting" and was done.  I've not heard from him since, and I don't intend to contact him.

I think on some level my instincts were right.  He was great in person, in these beginning times, but there are red flags in his temperment and patience levels, and the condescension....I will NOT do that again.  So in spite of a good first date and a great second one, I predict no third date for SC.  I feel settled in that decision, and it feels right.  Something was off.

Setting that aside, I had another date last night.  It had been a long time since I'd shown up for a date, met the person, and immediately felt so fiercely unattracted to them.  It was fairly awful.  I wanted to just turn and walk out the door, but he recognized me from my picture and I was stuck.  I couldn't have actually left, anyway, as I'm not that mean, but the thought/desire crossed my mind! I didn't recognize him at all.  Talk about tricky pictures and false advertising. 

The meal was polite, but forced.  I wanted to be anywhere but at that booth with that person.  ANYWHERE.  We met at 9 and I was in my car driving home by 9:50, and yet it was still the longest almost hour ever.  DATE FAIL.

I got home and just zoned out.  I'd wasted two hours on another bad date, I made an effort to look nice, I hurried home after my trainer to shower and get pretty, and all for someone I couldn't be attracted to if you paid me.  Sigh.

Speaking of the trainer, my session last night was miserable.  He had me outside, altering running laps and jumping rope for the first 40 minutes.  We finished out the session inside, doing what seemed to be a succession of the exercises I find to be the most difficult.  It was hard as hell.  I felt bad for complaining a fair amount, so I texted him afterward to thank him for pushing me when I wanted to say "I can't".  I appreciate him and what he's doing for me and with me more than I can imagine, so I wanted to be sure to end on that note last night.  I expect more running on Saturday at boot camp because he told me there will be more!

Finally, Artboy.  I ignored an IM from him last night.  He didn't say anything meaningful or that required a reply, but normally I would have responded.  I stared at it long and hard, and I didn't respond.  Eventually he went offline and it was done.  Why is it that I can know that he has not responded to things I've sent him many, many times in the past, and yet I feel so bad not replying to him?  It's not in my nature to ignore an IM or a text, especially from someone I like, and I think the issue is that we both know that. 

Whatever.  Bottom line is I didn't respond.  We'll see if/when he contacts me again, and we'll see what happens then.  My goal is not to cut him off entirely, at least not at this point.  My goal is to re-define the power dynamic, quit being the easy answer, the fallback plan, the last minute, late night girl.  You don't see me unless you take me out and we do something in public like normal people.  You don't get to talk to me like I'm a sure thing, and you don't get to be an ass and not suffer any consequences in how we communicate.

I hope friday improves.  I'm looking forward to going home tonight, getting to the gym and getting a good workout in, then coming home and maybe watching a movie.  This week has been pretty exhausting, and I'm ready for a low key night!

Thursday Things

Thursday is almost friday, and for that I am grateful.  This week feels as if it has dragged, yet simultaneously gone quickly.  How is that for strange?

As mentioned in my post last night, my bowling plans disappeared quite last minute.  I was at the gym, being that annoying person texting while on the elliptical, when I found that out, and that meant I could no longer rationalize a shorter workout.  I ended up stuck there doing my whole usual thing, which I suppose was good.  I went home and watched a bunch of DVR, including the latest Survivor premiere.  I enjoy the constancy of that show.  :-)

Tonight I meet with my trainer again for our second session of the week.  I did my weekly weigh in on Tuesday and I'd lost another pound, totaling at 4 lbs. gone in three weeks.  Good start, I suppose!  I'm waiting for the inevitable week when I either gain something back or just hold steady.  It will happen, and it will be okay!

For now:  the pants I'm wearing today used to be so snug (and they were fat pants, no less) that they left a dent in my stomach from wearing them, LOL.  Today they are so loose around the waist that I could pull them right off without unbuttoning or unzipping.  Time for a belt!

I have a date tonight with a new guy.  We're meeting at a local restaurant/bar later on tonight.  No idea what to expect, he seems nice enough, so we'll see how it goes!  I'm keeping my options option since SC is still on my questionable list.  At the very least, I'm excited for the soup at the restaurant. 
;-)

You know, for the first couple of weeks of my working out, I basically did very little other than work out and take care of practical things like errands.  I didn't do much socially because I was super focused on building a routine.

Now I'm over three weeks in, and in the last week I've been integrating more socializing back in, and it's an interesting balance.  It's not only a matter of timing, and working my plans around my training sessions or gym visits or Boot Camp classes, but also balancing out eating wisely and drinking less and everything else.  No, it's not always convenient for me to go out at 9 to accommodate my training, but it's important to me, and I'm making it work. 

Also, I've been pleased to discover that already the working out feels like a pretty solid routine.  I don't even like to miss a day, and always end up doing SOMETHING to stay active, even if it's milder.  The 500 calories it seemed so hard to burn when trainer first suggested it (instead of the 250 I had been doing)?  Now it seems fairly routine, and like I could definitely do more if I want to, and sometimes I do.  It's good to see and feel the progress of these big changes!  I used to have low fat ice cream many nights at 10:30 or 11pm, now I have a small glass of chocolate milk, or a granola bar, if anything.  I'm snacking WAY less, I'm eating more fruits and veggies, and my food choices in general have improved hugely.  Cheers!

I really need to get to work.  I have a fair amount to do, but I'm sitting here thinking of my drugstore shopping list for the lunch hour, and what the weather will be like Saturday morning for boot camp, and if I will find the right fall jacket this weekend when I go shopping for one.  Priorities...I've got 'em.  ;-)

Of rings and falling plans

Wanted to do a quick update before I get to bed.

1) After much consideration, and listening to everything you all had to say, and what my instincts told me, I sold my rings today.  I did get more money than expected for them, and I'm satisfied.  It was a little bit sad, but it was good to let them go and to move forward.  :-)  I took some of the money and bought my plane ticket home for Christmas and got an awesome price since it's so early!

2) SC and I had plans to go bowling again tonight.  I touched base last night to confirm we had plans, and he said, "Yup, we're going bowling!"  So I planned on it.  My day was chaotic and busy and I booked it home to eat something then head to the gym so I could get home in time to clean up and head back out.  I messaged SC while at the gym since I had been in such a rush to set a departure time.

He told me that he was warning me in advance he didn't feel fantastic, and had just woken up from a fitful couple hours of sleep to try to liven up.  I told him to just stay home, he insisted at first he wanted to go.  Then he waffled and I told him to just stay home.  He agreed that was best, and there went my plans.

Monday he fell asleep.  Wednesday he doesn't feel well.  Both times he's made comments about how he missed out on seeing me, or that he really wanted to see me.  Tonight he said something about "next wednesday is so far away", and I reminded him that we could try to do something this weekend

At this point I don't know if he's blowing me off or if these are just two legit random things that have come up.  All I know is that I invited him over Monday.  I asked about tonight. I followed up with him about tonight, and I mentioned the weekend.  Now it's his turn.  I'm frustrated because I feel like I've been making an effort and I keep ending up empty handed here, you know?  I guess we'll just see how it goes.

3) Artboy free day.  Every change has to start somewhere.

Goodnight!

ISO: Keymaster

I am currently hiring out for the position of Keymaster.

Last night I gathered my ipod, my water bottle, my phone, and a bag of trash to take out on my way to the gym.  I pulled the door closed behind me and I realized.....my keys were inside.

This is the third time I've done this since living in this apartment. The first time was an easy fix.  I had a friend, J, who lived nearby.  I'd given him a key because he'd done some petsitting for me, and I wisely told him to keep it just in case.  The first time I got locked out, he was over in 15 minutes to let me in.

The second time I was on my way out to a date, and I locked myself out.  I had to call my apartment people because J had since moved away, and his key was in my couchside table drawer, homeless.  Luckily, they arrived within about 15 minutes, and I killed time with my friendly neighbors outside while I waited.  I was still on time for my date, too.

This time, the apartment people took 45 minutes to show.  I split my time between shifting about restlessly outside of my apartment building and sitting like a weird lurker on the steps inside. 

Here is where the worst part begins:

I texted Artboy.  I don't even know why.  I just joked that he should come save me since I was locked out.  He very logically responded that he didn't have a key.  I told him I was obviously joking and was just bored, and that this incident was indicative of how my afternoon had gone in general.  That was the end of that conversation.

I was locked out of my apartment.  I was bored.  He lives MAYBE 10 minutes away.  Not only did he fail to offer to come over and keep me company, but he didn't even try to engage me in conversation to distract me while I waited.  It's good to know where I stand.  Again.  Still.  Always. 

I wish I had locked my phone in my apartment. 

Then I IMed SC.  This was 40 minutes into my waiting and I told him so.  He immediately asked why I hadn't called him for a rescue, and told me he would have picked me up to grab a drink or something while I waited.

By the time apartment maintenance arrived and let me inside, I was fuming.  I was so angry with myself.  How long have I been doing this to myself?  How long am I going to *keep* doing it?  He didn't give a damn that I was locked out.  It  didn't even register on his radar.  He carried on playing video games or watching TV or drinking or whatever it was he was doing, and the thought of helping me out in any fashion didn't occur to him.

How many times has he texted me that he's out of power, he's sick, he's too drunk to drive and is thusly walking?  How many times have I then offered my apartment for A/C and power, offered to stop by if he needs meds or food or anything when sick, offered a ride from the Metro.  Too many to count.  This doesn't even factor in the times when I've listened to him vent when he is angry or stressed, the times I've offered to do things with him when he's seemed down, the ways I've tried to cheer him up or make him laugh.

What the hell does he do for me?  I see him every couple of weeks, or every couple of months.  He smiles at me, says something nice to me, confides something in me, and pretends to give a shit, and I fall all over myself buying the nonsense he's selling.  I rationalize it.  I place an inane value on the most minimalist effort that he puts in, and I tell myself that it proves he cares.

The closest he's ever been to being there for me has been half-hearted.  But it always circles back to what I can do for him.  What I can be for him.  How I can make him happy.  A big part of that is my fault.

He isn't happy.  I can't fix that.  He is strange and emo and depressed half the time, and he is emotionally 14 years old and stuck.  He functions as an adult professionally and is brilliant at it, especially in terms of his job, and it's deceiving.  It's misleading because inside he remains a lost, lonely, awkward, button pushing, non-compromising 14 year old.

I am 34 years old.  I am tired of this bullshit.  I am not asking the world of him.  I'm not asking for him to save me, or to court me with huge romantic gestures, or to sit down and listen to me talk for hours.  I would have been happy if he'd ever offered to come rub my head when I had a migraine.  If he ever asked me over to just watch a movie we both enjoyed.  If he made plans and followed through on them.  If he ever called or texted just to see how I was doing.  If, when I got locked out, he offered to swing by with food or just company, or if he even just sat there and talked with me via text while I waited out maintenance.

I don't get any of that.  I get late night calls on his terms.  I get dismissed when he's not in the mood for banter.  Sometimes I just get ignored.  I get a manipulative hour or three or ten with him, and then usually I pay for those "good" times by him being a more refined asshole for the following days.

The balance is not just off, it's immeasurably screwed.  I'm really, really tired of being locked out, and I don't just mean from my apartment.  I'm tired of selling myself so short and trying to explain it away. 

Also?  I really wish I didn't feel quite so on my own.  I don't know who to put for a local emergency contact anymore, and I don't know who I can trust to have a key. 

Chances are, it's going to a neighbor.  Chances are, that will have to be enough for now.

Time to Let it Go?

I posted about this yesterday afternoon, then deleted it almost immediately.  Now I'm back to post about it again.

My wedding rings.  I'm THISCLOSE to selling them.

Bottom line?  I don't think I'm going to get very much for them.  They are soldered together and engraved, and I simply don't think I care enough to pay to get them separated and buffed, just for the random hope that someone on Craigslist would pay more for them that way.

Most buyers of such jewelry aren't in contention for me because my center stone is just shy of half a carat, and they all require at least .7 carats, if not 1 full carat.  I guess my half carat center stone and all the little surrounding diamonds aren't enough, and that's just how it is, it seems.

The one jeweler who made me an offer did not have an encouraging number for me.  For a ring set that appraised for $5300, he offered me $610.

It sucks.  I was pretty insulted for awhile after I first got the offer, and saddened, too.  These were rings that for many years were invaluable to me, and that I adored.  They are beautiful and sparkly and lovely, and in particular I loved my engagement ring. 

But the marriage is long over, and the friendship with my ex is over, too.  All these rings do is sit in a safe box, locked up, in their original white box. 

Others suggested having the diamond removed and put into another piece of jewelry, but honestly...it wouldn't be the same.  And it would still be the divorce diamond.  I can't see it any other way.

So my question here is this:

Should I just suck it up and take the $600?  I truly believe that with the rings as they are I'm not going to get any better offers.  Even if they were separated and buffed, would the cost of those changes eat into any increased offers I got? 

It's less horrifying to think about selling the rings for this price now than it was at first, but it's still hard.  I have no use for them, looking at them honestly makes me sad, and money is money.  A big part of me just wants to GET RID of them, get them out of my possession, so I can stop worrying about it.

Thoughts?

Of course.

I decided I needed to try and open my mind a little more to this guy, we'll call him SC.  So I messaged him, and we chatted, and I suggested he come over to watch Monday Night Football with me after my workout.  It looks like that will probably happen. He seemed pleased by the invite.

Fifteen minutes later I get a picture text from Artboy, unsolicited.  I open it up and there he is, dashing in his Monday work ensemble, and I hate him for it.  I wrote earlier about our non-event of a conversation last night, I spent some time today thinking about how I'm wasting my energy with him, and that he is not a proper stand in for a relationship. 

And then this.  I'm so easily persuaded when it comes to him.  So easily moved.  I remember the fierce physical attraction, and I think of how I've not had one like it with another in ages, and that even in the whole history of Bluemoon romantic liasons, he is far and away the strongest physical connection.  So I hate him for it.

I hate him for his timing.  I hate him for somehow KNOWING when I was perched precariously on the edge of something out of my comfort zone, and I hate him for choosing that exact moment to reach out to me.  How do they know?

I should ignore it. 
I should give him a taste of his own forgetful, absentminded, disconnected medicine. 

It is not in my nature to say no to him.  It is not in my nature to ignore him.  I stupidly think about what the weekend would have been like if I substituted him in for my Saturday plans.  Spent 14 hours with him.  I think about how I would have felt if he contacted me Sunday, and I know the difference.  I would have been excited.  Heart fluttering and racing.  Ecstatic.  No doubt.  If he'd wanted to hang out that afternoon, and tonight, I would have said yes. 

My stomach is churning right now, no exaggeration.  The timing is uncanny.  I'd decided to let him be. 

Now I'm sitting here with another picture of him in my phone, and trying like hell to just let it be.  I had this thought that if he wanted to see me tonight...how would I get out of plans with SC? 

No one should have this kind of power over another person.  WTF is it about him?  Is he just a handy, sexy as hell symbol of that which I've needed recently?  No obligations, no expectations, no labels?  Or is it actually about him specifically?  I suspect it's a combination. 

Don't worry, I'm not going to alter plans with SC.  That much I can promise.  Beyond that, I just don't know.

Saboteur

I suspect there may be a saboteur in my midst.  I further suspect it may be me.

Yes, I went on the second date on Saturday.  But it almost didn't happen.  Instead, I had an awesome panic attack an hour prior, and I got myself all twisted up into knots.  I had this sudden tidal wave of a flashback to the ex-bf and his scary side.  I called my mom and while talking to her I started crying, and I felt my own shock as it happened...I had no idea this was still so fresh inside of me.  The fear.  The sickness in my stomach.  It felt like the bad moments, when I felt threatened and unsafe. 

I tried to get out of the date over IM.  The whole thing was sparked by a misunderstanding through that same medium.  I should have remembered what my therapist told me many moons ago:  electronic conversations are fraught with opportunities for misunderstandings.  He ended up calling me, which I was NOT happy about.  Why? Because within three minutes I was crying.  AWESOME.

I was trapped.  I had to explain it.  The awful, mentally traumatizing ex-boyfriend and the scars he'd clearly left on me.  I was mortified.  He was sweet.  He cleared up the misunderstanding that sparked it all and apologized for what it had triggered.  He was kind and he listened and he quelled any concerns I'd had in the midst of my panic earlier.

We decided to get lunch and go from there.  And go we did.  Lunch turned into one winery, and two wineries, and three wineries.  Then miniature golfing (I won by 11 strokes..biggest margin of victory ever!).  Back at his place, he grilled us burgers and corn on the cob.  We watched our teams college football games on alternating channels.  Then we watched a movie.  Then he took me home.

In the midst of miniature golf, he came up behind me at one hole and put his arms around me for a moment. While we were sitting outside on his little patio, I got chilly.  He loaned me one of his prized team hoodies and I remembered...how cool it is to swim in the big hoodie of a guy you kind of like.  During the football watching, he grabbed my hand. I lay with my head on his shoulder for the movie, our hands entwined.

Sounds like an awesome day, right?  14 hours together.  Second date.  The date included miniature golf, grilled food and football, three of my favorite things ever.  There was no kiss at the end of the night, though.  Just a hug.  I don't know why.

Sunday, I panicked.  We'd spent an entire day and night together.  I needed space.  I secretly hoped he would let me be.  He didn't.  He IMed me in the morning.  Later in the afternoon.  I was short.  I didn't want to be bothered. The more the day progressed, the worse it got.  He wanted to hang out again.  I told him about having to reschedule plans for next weekend to accommodate the football game (both of our teams are playing each other).  He was clearly hoping I was telling him that to schedule plans with him.  I wasn't trying to do that, at least not yet.  He seemed disappointed.

I let him be disappointed.  I let the conversation end with his disappointment, but not before I put another tiny stamp of assurance that I wasn't getting at what he hoped I was getting at. 

I don't know what I'm doing.  I ended the conversation with him and texted Artboy.  I was met with indifference, as I sometimes am.  Boring, pointless, tiny conversation that died off with no fanfare....like I'd just done to the other guy. 

Here is what I know:
I don't trust my own instincts anymore. 
I'm a cliche.  I bitch about the guys who just sexualize me, who don't want to do anything fun, who play games with me so I don't know where they stand, who blow me off.  But then I meet someone who is being a total gentleman, who wants to do all sorts of the same fun things I want to do, and who has been very direct about liking me, and who wants to make plans with me.  And then I feel the base, instinctual urge to run away.  To bail. 

I find fault in it.  He's too needy.  He's acting like a girl.  He likes me too much.  Doesn't he want his own space?  What's wrong with him that he hasn't kissed me yet?  Does he even want to? 

I immediately feel territorial over my space.  He suggests repeating our bowling date on wednesday, I cringe.  How dare he assume that just because we did the Wednesday bowling once that we'll do it again?  He says we should have watched the game together yesterday, I roll my eyes.  My sunday.  Mine. Because I'm 12 and antisocial and ridiculous.  He wanted me to want to watch the game with him next Saturday.  I refuse to commit to anything so early.  On principal.  Because I'm a bitch.

I am a saboteur.  I have no idea if this guy is the right guy for me, truly I don't.  But I know that he is more worthwhile than anyone I've met in awhile, and I'm screwing it up.  Why can't I want someone who wants me?  Why do I sit there and think about Artboy, and how nice it is to have someone who expects nothing of me, feels no ownership over my time, has no right to question anything I do.  How do I forget that packed in the same wrapping with those "perks" is indifference, dismissiveness, a total lack of reliability?

I need perspective.  I need a reality check.  I don't want to stomp out a flicker of even the tiniest possibility of something wtih substance because I'm a crazy person who wants the wrong things....

Liebster Love

I am a bit late in responding to this, but better late than never!  Two of my blogger friends have nominated me for a Liebster blog award.  My first nod came from Ames over at Onward and Upward, and the second from Ashley over at Not Necessarily Laughing WITH You.  Through diligent internet research, I've learned that the Liebster award is given to up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers.  I've seen varying definitions for the German word Liebster, but the most common are favorite and beloved, and thusly I am flattered.  :-)

The truth about this blog is that I started it about a year and a half ago because Livejournal was getting hacked constantly, and would never function properly.  However, I've found an entirely different kind of enjoyment with this blog than I ever had with Livejournal, and I love getting new followers and hearing people chime in.  I also love finding more blogs to read!

The point of the award is to recognize bloggers that you enjoy, and to learn more about them along the way.

 

Below are the questions posed to me by Ames, and my answers follow.  

1. What was the best day of your life? It's hard to pinpoint one day. Incredibly hard.  Before my divorce I would have said wedding day.  Since then?  I've had many, many amazing and wonderful days, but nothing that stands out in a shining spotlight on it's own.  Yet!
2. Are you more introverted or extroverted? I used to be terribly introverted unless I was with my core group of friends or family.  However, in recent years I think I've really come out of my shell.  It's easier for me to talk to strangers and not feel like the MOST awkward person ever.  I hesitate to call myself extroverted, though.  Maybe I'm extroverted adjacent?  ;-)
3. What are you most passionate about in your life? I am passionate about writing.  I love to write.  I used to write a lot of fiction, and I still hope to write more of it.  I also love blogging, journaling, making lists, and just working out anything that's troubling me with words.  Writing is like therapy to me.
4. What's the longest romantic relationship you've ever been in? Ten years.  I started dating my ex-husband at 19 and we split when I was 29. 
5. What's one thing you would change about yourself? I love the person I have become.  I have faults, I have flaws, I have bad judgment more than I'd like to admit.  But it's all part of the package, so changing any of it would ripple through everything.  So I'll say that I wish my hair were long enough to put in a ponytail for working out.  ;-)
6. What is your best personality characteristic? Loyalty.  If you are a (healthy) part of my life, I am unfailingly loyal.  I love and commit to the relationships in my life with everything I have, even if that has been a downfall at times in the past.  I don't know how to do it any other way.  I may be more cautious about getting to that point these days, but once I'm there, I'm there.
7. What are your top 5 favorite movies? Clue, American Beauty, The Shining, The Breakfast Club, Ghostbusters.  What can I say, I like nostalgia and simple things.  :-)
8. Where's the coolest place you've ever traveled? I've never been out of the US (I don't count Tijuana for an afternoon!).  I love the mountains of Colorado, the beaches and palm trees in California, and the hustle and bustle of NYC.
9. What are a few things you want to do before you die? Write a novel.  Finally travel outside of the US.  Fall in love again.  Stay in love.  :-)
10. What's one of your biggest regrets? Staying in the relationship with my most recent ex (the one who prompted the start of this blog, in many ways) as long as I did.  It was incredibly emotionally damaging to me, and I'm still realizing the degree of that even today.
11. What's one of your biggest accomplishment?  When I separated from my husband, the idea of standing on my own two feet and living independently sounded impossible.  Not only did I do it, but I think that over time, with some stumbles along the way, I've done a kickass job.  :-)

Here are the questions from Ashley:

1. What made you start blogging?  I mentioned this briefly above, but I started the blog because LJ was turning into a technical fail.  Also, I was going through an incredibly difficult breakup, and I needed an outlet.
2. What is the one event in your life that either changed you for the better, or the worse?  My divorce.  It was an unexpected blessing.  I never would have left my marriage if my husband hadn't stepped away from it, allowing me the perspective I got as a result.  A year after our separation he wanted to try to reconcile, but too much damage had been done, and I'd gotten a glimpse of the person I was supposed to be.  I wanted that opportunity, and I think I am a far, far better and more capable, happier person than I ever would have been otherwise.
3. What is your favorite book/book series of all time?  The Great Gatsby.  I don't know why, but I just adore that book.
4. What is your biggest Pet Peeve?  People who don't do what they say they are going to do.  I can't stand baseless last minute cancellations, or flaky people who can't follow through on their word or obligations.
5. What is your greatest fear? I fear that my past relationships, in particular the most recent one, have inflicted so much emotional damage on me that I will be too afraid to open myself up again to something better when it comes along.
6. What do you consider to be your biggest accomplishment?  See above, #11.  ;-)7. What do you want to accomplish the most in your life?  Similar to #9 above.  Write a novel, even if it's just for me, and build a happy life full of people I love.  Hopefully that will include one person I can be happy and *in* love with.
As a disclaimer, I'm breaking some rules for my nominations.  I'm nominating a few blogs that fit the bill (so far as I can tell with regards to # of followers).  I'm nominating a couple that don't fit (because they have way too many followers), but I love them madly, so I'm doing it, anyway.  And I'm nominating the two lovely ladies who nominated me, because they deserve it, and rules were made to be broken, especially for good reason!

Blogs I'm nominating:

The Musings of Carrie Blogshaw:  I enjoy this blog because I can relate to it, and because it's good to feel like you're not alone in the dating battlefield!  Also?  Pretty damn funny!

Zombie Love Affair:  I love Danielle's blog.  It is thoughtful and insightful and familiar to my own life sometimes, too.  It is honest and and true writing, and also, we share the joy of online dating and the stories it can offer.  ;-)

American Bridget (Jones): A thoughtful singleton blog that I enjoy following.  Also, pretty inspirational with her recent running endeavors!

He Loves Me Not:  I've been reading this blog for awhile now it seems, and I love it.  Sarah is a beautiful writer, honest and funny, and I love following along with her life. 

Filing Jointly:  I started reading this blog along with a fair amount of folks when she came up on The Bloggess's site, and I'm glad I did!  Lauren is hilarious and adorable, and her stories of wedded bliss and daily antics never fail to cheer me up.  :-)

Not Necessarily Laughing WITH You: I really like Ashley's blog.  She often says the things I want to say about things (like Facebook!) and in addition to random cute pictures to support her bloggy writings, she has an Excel spreadsheet of her books....for that she is my hero!

Onward and Upward: Ames is awesome.  Truly.  She started following my blog and commenting, I started following her back, and it's been a thing of greatness ever since.  When I read her writing, I feel like I am seeing her true personality, hearing her "voice", if you will.  She's honest and direct, and insightful to boot.  Plus, she lives in the DC area, too!

Seven will just have to do for today.  :-)  I don't follow a TON of blogs yet, though I'm always on the lookout for more to add to my list!

My questions for my Liebster nominees follow, if you feel like indulging my curiosities.  If you've already posted about the Liebster love in your own blogs, feel free to just answer in the comments.

1)  Do your friends and family know about your blog, and if not, how paranoid are you about them finding it?  ;-)
2) How old were you for your first kiss?  (I was 19.  For the record).
3) What song gets the most playtime on your ipod/other music listening device? 
4) What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
5) Do you collect anything?
6) Do you believe in the idea of one soulmate for everyone, or the concept that a person can have many great loves?
7) Weekend in NYC or weekend at the beach?
8) Is this the first blog you've ever had, or are you an experienced blogger with another one or three under your belt?
9) If you had to use three words to describe yourself, what would they be?
10) Do you have someone from your past who is the "one who got away"?
11) What is something random about  you that I don't know?

Whether or not you answer the questions or carry on the Liebster posting, I want to thank the lovely ladies who nominated me, and to thank the rest of you who read this crazy mess of a blog on the regular.  I never really planned for this blog to go beyond a few people I knew IRL, and I considered making it a private blog when I started, but I'm glad I took a chance!  This is a great kind of community, and I love reading your comments and knowing that people are there, hearing what I'm saying, even when I'm being crazy or silly or anything else.

Also, much love to the bloggers I've nominated, as I look forward to reading along with you about your lives and thoughts everyday, and I love sharing my finds with others so they can get to know you as well. :-)

Impulsive Behavior

**First off, I owe an entirely different kind of post to this blog, but that one is on hold because I want to do it justice.**

This is possibly the first of three posts today.  Possibly.  That's the plan.  We'll see if I live up to my goals.

Two nights ago I was on okcupid checking my messages, and I randomly clicked to see who was in my "Quiver".  OKC picks out three "Quiver" matches that they think you might like and you have to message them or say "I'm not interested" before they change.  Historically, my Quiver is a big time loser, so often I just ignore it.  But I was tired of seeing the same three tiny faces up there, inscrutable as they were, so I went to look.

Not interested.  Not interested.  Interested?

The third candidate was cute.  I read his profile and couldn't believe how many things I was nodding along with, or that I count among my own personal favorites.  I couldn't ignore all of the commonalities, so I messaged him.  It was a longer than usual first message for me.  I told him about all of the things I liked in his profile and probably rambled.  Sent it off, out into the online dating universe it went.

I got a message from him towards the end of yesterday.  He suggested we chat on Gmail later on in the evening.  I went to the gym, got my workout in, came home, and once I was settled I messaged him.  We chatted for maybe 30 minutes, continuing to find commonalities and establishing a nice banter.  We were talking about activities we enjoyed, and one that came up was bowling.  Out of nowhere he suggested we go bowling.  We confirmed an alley nearby was open, and randomly decided to go with the impulse.  BTW, this guy lives like 5 minutes from me.

We bowled.  I lost.  But I laughed a ton, and had a really good time.  We got along very well, and it was flirty, but nothing overboard, and we're both sarcastic and the banter showed it.  We bowled until the alley closed at midnight, so we got about an hour and a half in.  Three games:  I lost them all, but I played better than expected.  :-)

We spent about 20 minutes talking outside afterwards.  Back at home, we IMed briefly before we switched to the phone, where we talked until nearly 2:30 in the morning.  Ridiculous!  During that conversation we made plans to get together on Saturday.  We are going to do a winery tour(s), which I've never done before.  I told him I've yet to learn to like wine, but he's a big fan, and I am willing to give it a whirl and see how it goes.  Post-winery the plan is to watch football.  Both of our teams are playing at the same time, and we're in the same conference...we're actually playing each other next weekend.  Go figure!

So that happened.  No good night kiss, just a hug, which felt right.  I hate that moment at the end of the night in the early, early stages where you don't know what should/will happen.  Awkward.  I tend to believe that when the moment is really right it will happen, and I won't be sitting there consciously analyzing it.  I *thought* about how I wouldn't mind if it just happened, but it's also kind of nice to be chaste and innocent to start with.  It was refreshing to not have someone staring at my chest, or trying to paw at me, or making inappropriate comments. 

I have no idea what will happen.  Truly.  Anymore I don't even assume that a discussed second date will occur because I've had too many instances where things fall apart unexpectedly.  I'll believe it when I see it, and we'll see how it goes if it goes.  Bottom line?  I had a really good time, and I laughed, and it was nice.  :-)  This time, anyway, impulsive behavior paid off.

Self-Correcting Universe

I wore jeans and a tank top.  The jeans were a little loose around the waist, and it was a nice change. I reveled in it, just a bit.  My hair was untouched, no curling iron to fix my manic, now rumpled curls.  No newly applied face of makeup, no illogical concern over what earrings to wear.

I was barefoot and curled up on my couch, laptop in front of me, when he showed up at my suggestion.  I was still flushed with the accomplishments of the evening.  My cheeks were ruddy and warm, and his hands felt cool on my face when we kissed.

He told me how great I looked.  Seemed impressed by my efforts, asked if my trainer had a crush on me. The answer is no, of course. ;-) 

I'm telling you, setting aside all of our mutual dysfunction, that kid can make me laugh.  Hard.  Over and over.  We talk so much when we see each other in person; it's like I'm catching up since the last time, even though we talk most days via text or IM.

Until the end of July I hadn't seen him face to face in nearly six months.  That was a record and it felt like an interminable drought.  I'd mostly given up on the idea of seeing his face again.  And yet, since the last weekend in July, I've now seen him four times.  Our patterns are strange. 

Hearing him tell me how good I looked, in particular when I was casual Bluemoon, everyday Bluemoon, was blushworthy, and happy-inducing.  It's like the universe heard my musings about our dynamic, the one I'd put in place myself.  The universe heard, and I squared my shoulders and proceeded boldly, confidently, refusing to give in to the chattering, urging voices in my head.  I got the compliment and I got the appreciation, even though I was only wrapped up in my everyday packaging.

The best part of the evening, though?  It was knowing that I looked good, and that I felt lovely in my own right, before he even walked in the door.

It's awesome to get validation from others.  I look forward to the days when my efforts become more visibly noticeable and co-workers and friends comment on it.  It will be pretty great to get more attention on these silly dating sites because I am looking better and more fit, even if I will probably roll my eyes and complain about all the shallow, physical based messages I get.  It's all part of the game, you see.  ;-)

However, that's all just gravy.  I started this lifestyle change for me, and it remains about me.  I can't wait to see what awaits me the further I get into this adventure of taking care of me!

:-o

Just got back from trainer.  He did my measurements.

Gained an inch on thighs.  He said that's normal because I'm building muscle mass in an area I wasn't working too much muscle before.  ;-)  Says I will lose there later on.

Lost half an inch from my bicep.  Cheers!

Waist.  He measured me four times to be sure.  Told me he had to retire if that measurement was right.

I lost 3.5 inches off my waist in two weeks. 

:-o

Holy hell.  All those five bajillion variations of crunches and cardio and torture were worth it! 

Again I say:

:-o

Return of the Hoodie Hater

Last night I got a chat request from the Hoodie Hater on one of the dating sites while I was checking my mail.  I said no to the request, and shortly thereafter got a message from him saying he was sorry we couldn't chat again and that he hoped I was doing well.  I responded this morning and explained that I didn't really think we were a good match.  I was nice about it and told him that I was really looking for someone who could appreciate me as much when I was in comfy jeans and a hoodie as when I was dressed up.  I definitely did not get the impression that would be him!  I do not need to get into another situation where I feel like I constantly need to be at my best to be wanted.  It's just not realistic and it's not fair.

I've felt similar things with regards to Artboy on occasion, though I think most of that is my perception.  With him, I feel like it has become part of our dynamic that I am always dressed up when I see him.  Dresses, skirts and cute tops, and always with something interesting lurking beneath.  I won't lie, it's fun to play dress up most of the time.  I like feeling sexy and powerful in these ensembles, truly.  But sometimes?  Sometimes I just want to be plain old me. 

Many moons ago, Artboy and I had a very impulsive encounter late one evening.  He texted me and told me he was lonely very, very late one night.  I told him I was, too, and he asked if I wanted to come over.  That was the first time I ever spent the whole night at his place.  We both needed the company of someone, and we turned to each other, and it was actually really lovely.  That night I showed up at his place in jeans and a hoodie, and I actually felt a little self-conscious about it.  I joked about my dressy attire, and he told me I looked sexy.  In jeans and a hooded sweatshirt.  Take that, Hoodie Hater.

And yet, that feels like so long ago.  Sometimes I feel like the picture below when it comes to Artboy.  Sometimes I feel like that in general with the men I talk to, even if I've never even met them.  It's the basic idea that so many of those people are just looking for a hook up, something easy and without strings.  Some of them are just so transparent about it, and it makes me feel very objectified, like the words I'm saying don't matter....like the guy I posted about yesterday.  It was like he didn't hear anything I said, and instead just powered ahead and suggested we hook up and worry about the rest later.  I'll pass, thank you very much.

The Artboy situation is largely in my own head.  He saw me in normal ensembles plenty when we were dating, and always complimented me, very specifically and sincerely.  He's seen me in normal things a couple of times since and complimented me.  I just happen to enjoy dressing up for him most of the time. 

 

However, I did turn him down this weekend.  It was late.  I was tired.  He wanted to come over. 

I didn't feel like even getting up from bed to unlock the door.

I didn't feel like standing in front of the bathroom mirror putting makeup on, curling my slept on hair, and I really, really didn't feel like changing out of my comfortable pajamas.

I said no, and I fell asleep.

I know he wouldn't have expected me to be dressed up that time.  To be like I often am with him.  But the idea of him coming over so late, with me so unprepared, and so tired....I just couldn't swing it.

With Artboy, it is 98.8% my own issue, wanting to always look the best I've ever looked.  It's silly, and it can be exhausting, and some nights, I just don't want to bother.

 

My dream man will love me just as much in a tank top and capri pj pants as he will when I'm in a dress and 4 inch heels, powdered and sparkled to perfection.

I hope.

Really?

I swear, if one more dumbass propositions me on one of these dating sites, I'm going to explode.  Does this BS actually work on some people?

I'd exchanged TWO messages with this guy, and though I was noticing that his responses mostly ignored anything I'd said, I was trying to give the benefit of the doubt.  I wrote him and since we were discussing our experiences on the site, told him that I'd been accused of being too selective.

Then just now I get a message that says, "Yes, too selective.  Or we can just get it on and worry about consequences/a relationship later, LOL."

Seriously, moron?  I responded "Hey, now you sound like 98% of the male population on this site!" 

I'm not feeling so LOLsy about these ridiculous propositions.  It doesn't seem to matter what I put on my profile about NOT being interested in casual hookups with randoms.  I guess it's hard to see that when all you're looking at are the pictures.

Words come out of my mouth, they fly into thin air and disappear. 

For everyone with a significant other they can stand, feel very, very lucky.

I ran. On purpose.

So....

Boot camp started Saturday morning.  I found out during my personal training session on Friday night that the class was outside on the local high school's football field.  This increased my nervousness about the whole enterprise.  Not only was I going to be making a generalized fool of myself in front of my fellow boot camp classmates, but now I was also going to be doing it in front of any number of strangers who happened to be out there with us.

Saturday morning dawned mild and sunny.  I showed up feeling very conspicuous, wondering where exactly we were meeting.  Luckily, some other girls in the class were there already and I joined them while we waited for our trainer to arrive.  It was a friendly group, with 5 other girls in the class. 

It was hard.  I won't lie.  But my trainer was right:  the group setting was actually helpful.  It motivated me to push harder so I wouldn't fall behind.  It motivated me to try harder.  Some things I was weaker at than other classmates, some things I was better at, and some things I fell solidly in the middle.  I was really happy to find that I fell in the middle with the running portion of things. 

We didn't run a ton, but it was the first time I'd run on purpose in years and years.  First we ran from the goal line of the field to the 30 yard line and back, twice.  Later on we ran the length of the football field and back.  Finally, we ran to the end of the field and walked back as our cool down.  Throughout the class we also ran backwards to the 30 or 40 yard line a couple of times and back, and did a side shuffle with a run back to the same point. 

I wasn't last.  I wasn't second to last.  I did okay.  :-)  It was hard, but it felt good.  I also really liked the group setting, and in particular a couple of the girls in the class.  We commiserated, we laughed, we exchanged pained looks during particularly difficult exercises.  But we all finished the class, and we all lived, and we all were probably better for it on that lovely saturday.  :-)

Sunday I worked my butt off.  I got up and went to the gym and did a 75 minute workout.  I exceeded my desired calorie burning goal while watching the first half of the 'Skins game.  Back at home I spent the second half of the game working out at home.  I did crunches.  Planks.  Jogged around my apartment. Leg Raises.  And so forth.  I got a lot done while I watched that game! After that game wrapped up, I went for a walk around my neighborhood.  It's not a huge distance, just shy of 1 3/4 mile, but on top of what I'd already done, it wasn't bad.  It was spectacularly gorgeous outside, so that was just a bonus! 

Yesterday was one of those days where I had so much energy to burn, and I made an effort to capitalize on it.  I love those days.  :-)  Some days are just easier than others I suppose!

I feel good about this weekend.  I got great workouts in Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and I couldn't really ask for more than that.  Wednesday marks the beginning of my third week of this, and that's pretty awesome.  Yes, I'm sore.  Yes, it's wearing me out.  But I'm sleeping well, my heart rate is not so ridiculously high when I work out on the machines at the gym, and I'm continually challenging myself.  I went to the grocery store again the other day for a few things and was again marveling at my purchases while they were on the belt....who is this girl buying fruits, veggies, granola bars and lean meats and healthy cereals?  ;-)

I know, boring health and fitness post.  I think I have another non-fitness post in me for later today, but we'll see!

Tricky, Tricky

I've been reminded of something troubling in the last couple of days.  It's something I'd forgotten, though when it re-surfaced I wondered how I managed that.

Loneliness is a tricky thing.  It makes you feel nostalgic for "good" times that were probably not as good as you're imagining.  You find yourself missing people that are wrong for you. Bad for you.  People who don't want you, and people who you really don't want.

Last night I suddenly had this moment where I intensely missed my ex.  The angry ex.  The one who told me I'd be more attractive if I lost weight.  The ex from the relationship that left me feeling more insecure and inadequate than I'd ever felt in my entire life.

WTF is wrong with me?  Am I that desperate for companionship that I romanticize *that*?

I tried to shake it off.  I tried to re-direct my attention.  I thought of Baltimore, the safe, strange guy from the winter and spring, and hell, even a bit of the summer.  The one who, when I stopped reaching out to him, I haven't heard from since.  I thought of Artboy.  The one who is always there, even if he's in the background. 

But Artboy pissed me off a little yesterday, and I didn't want to think about him, unless I was thinking about how I hoped he would let me be for a few days, and if I wanted to leave him hanging when he does reach out.

I'm still texting the last guy from the list the other day.  Two nights ago, I was mildly interested again.  Last night, bored.  Today, he called me buddy in a text.  Today, I am turned off.  Apparently so is he.  Buddy???

My focus is a bit muddled today.  My world feels pretty small, and I have to admit it's disconcerting.  I don't like it.  When my world is small I think too much.  I have too much time to feel lonely.  I have ill advised thoughts about people I shouldn't, and the thought crosses my mind...what if I reached out?  What if I just said hi?

I'm that lonely for someone familiar.  Someone comfortable, even if it's all wrong.  The only place I can imagine getting that kind of feeling is from one of my exes, and that's wrong.  And I find it further troubling that the one I think most of in this moment is the one who was most damaging to my emotional well being.  The one who can be unbelievably kind and warm and comforting when it suits him, but if you wrong him in any perceived fashion, he strikes you to your core.  He goes for the jugular and knows exactly how to hurt you most, and he does it. 

I can't have that.  I can't bring that back.  But I swear to God, even knowing all of that, even being cognizant of how toxic he ultimately is, I keep thinking of the good parts of him, and missing the easy times, and curling up with him, feeling the presence of a warm body I could touch as I wanted, without hesitation, without overanalysis, without reproach.  A hand on a soft t-shirt, another hand entwined with his, the smell of someone else's shampoo and cologne, sleeping in the crook of an arm, feeling safe and present.

It's all an illusion.  It's based on something unhealthy and wrong, and even when it was good, it was unhealthy. 

I have to remind myself of that.  I have to add it to the list of things I need to be strong against. 

Today I feel weak.  I need to bolster myself up somehow.  I need to keep my hands out of the cookie jar, my mind in the present, my clarity in tact.  I need to find a way to be okay with being alone.  Still.

Loneliness...it is a tricky, tricky thing.

What's your damage, Heather?

Today is one of those days where I am considering the fact that I signed up for an 8 week boot camp class and wondering what the eff is wrong with me. Why am I willingly subjecting myself to such torture, and at 9 am on eight consecutive Saturdays, no less?

Yesterday I had one of those weird epiphanies as I trudged into my apartment post-workout:

All I do lately is work out.  Exercise.  Get put through the paces by my trainer for an hour.  Put myself through the paces at the gym for an hour.  Come home and worry about what to eat, if it's enough, if it's too much.  Did I drink enough water?  What will I do for lunch tomorrow?  Should I take Thursday off from working out, or do I keep the momentum going?  Will I ever have a date again?

One of these things is not like the other.....

So it's been a week and change since this new REGIME has been in place.  I'm doing well.  I'm doing really well and I know it.  Some days it feels easier and I am full of energy and anticipation.  Other days it's harder and it all feels like work and I just want a nap.  Last night I actually got to sleep before midnight, which I desperately needed.  All of this exercise is wearing me out! 

It took me awhile to get moving last night after getting home.  I laid about uselessly, wondering if I could take the night off from the gym.  I watched DVR.  I ate dinner.  I felt unenthusiastic.  I felt a little sad about the date that wasn't going to be anymore. 

Secret:
I laid on my bed and cried.  Just for a few minutes.  I cried about how hard this whole change has been, and how tired I was.  But mostly I cried because I am tired of being lonely.  I miss having a person.  Sure, I'm strong and independent and driven and motivated and pretty awesome all on my own.  No, I don't *need* a person to get by.  But it sure would be nice.

I'm making these changes for me.  I'm doing these things, breaking my own patterns, to better myself.  I want to feel better, to know I'm in better shape, to know I'm taking better care of myself.

But.

BUT.  I want it for some selfish reasons, too.  I want to show my exes, in particular the one who told me I would be more attractive if I lost weight, that I am working my ass off to get a tight, in shape little body that he will NEVER TOUCH AGAIN.  I want it so I can be happy to pose for pictures again, and to update my dating profiles with my newly sculpted self, and to feel like a rockstar when they want me.  I want Artboy to do his Artboy thing, surfacing and meandering from relevance, unaware of all the work I'm doing, and to see me next time, whenever that may be, and to appreciate the changes I've been working towards.

I want it to be noticed.  I want it to be appreciated.  I want to make some people jealous, some people regretful, some people feel like they are lucky to get to touch me.  I want to know that all of my hard work has been worth it.  I want to know that this time the weight is gone because I worked it off, instead of being so devastated by a crumbling marriage that I stopped eating and dropped 20 lbs. from grief.

These are going to be happy losses.  Well deserved and hard earned losses.  Each pound that I drop will be not only physical weight, but emotional weight, something I've carried around that's brought me down.  Each inch that disappears will take with it some past hurt, some suggestion that I'm not enough, I'm not right, I'm not worth it. I want to lose the dead weight and tighten up to bring all of the good in closer, closer to the surface, no longer hiding in the shadows of self-doubt and inadequacy.

In the last year I made a huge leap and got myself into a career that I love, at an employer that I love, working with people I really enjoy.  The work piece of the puzzle finally clicked into place.  Now I'm working on the personal aspect of the puzzle, the Bluemoon piece.  One puzzle piece at a time, and I'm coming together.  I'm becoming who I want to be. 

Maybe once I get that puzzle piece fitting properly, the other pieces will come easier.  If I'm happy with two major parts of my life, one being the most fundamentally important...myself...then maybe the rest will flow my way.

I have to be happy with me before I can be happy with someone else.  I am getting closer and closer, and if the right person came along tomorrow, I think I could figure it out.  But if it takes awhile, it takes awhile.  True progress can't be rushed, and all the best things are worth waiting for.

Yes, I cried for my loneliness for a moment or three last night.  But I'm still here.  And I'm worth it for the right person, and I don't want anything less.  I am stronger than I used to be, getting stronger each day.

What's your damage, Bluemoon?

My damage is dwindling.  I'm climbing up, some days fighting harder than others, but climbing nonetheless.

Thwarted by cats

Date tomorrow is off.  He dislikes cats and is highly allergic.  "Cats are bad for me."

So there's that.  We're down to one, and I'm bored with him.

I shall be alone forever, with my cats and (in 3-4 months) a kick ass body. 

Sweet.

;-)

I think my witty is tired

I've been sitting here trying to think of a witty title for this post, and I've come up empty-handed.  I've determined that my wittiness is exhausted like the rest of me.  :-)

I can't stop yawning today.  The fact of the matter is that I stayed up too late last night after an awesome workout with the trainer.  I should have gone to bed earlier, I thought about it, but for some reason I stayed up late watching part one of the Teen Mom reunion.  Yes, that's embarrassing.  Yes, it's true.

FITNESS
I signed up for my trainer's next boot camp session which starts Saturday and lasts for 8 Saturdays total.  It's an hour at a gym 5 minutes from my apartment, and it was ridiculously cheap.  I want to challenge myself to work out in intimidating settings, which for me is a group setting.  He said I should be fine in it and that it's a similar format to our existing training sessions, just perhaps a bit faster and in a group.  I'll update you all on that after my first go around....I'm a little frightened.  ;-)  I figure I'll get my Saturday workout out of the way nice and early for a couple of months!

Last night during my session he told me he could see my muscle definition improving in my arms already.  I questioned if that was even possible and he said it was, so I'll take it.  I'd noticed the same thing earlier in the day, but figured it was a hallucination or wishful thinking!  I'm also happy that while I'm sore today, it's normal sore, not debilitating sore.  This I can handle!  I'm doing a much better job post-session of taking care of myself:  I ate a banana and some other protein, drank lots of water, took a hot bath with the epsom salts, and took an ibuprofen before bed. 

EXPERIMENT
#1 Kaboom remains exiled.  No status change expected.
#2 Ten.  BORING.  This guy is dead in the water already.  I want to fall asleep just thinking about him.
#3 BeachBoy.  Let's call him Cop instead.  It's easier and logical.  I like him thusfar.  Quite a bit.  He's cute, he's tall, he's a cop, he's funny, he's flirty without being a pervert.  We have plans to get a drink tomorrow night.  He's coming out my way, as he lives about 35 minutes away.  First date I've had in awhile!
#4 Supercuteboy.  Okay.  We're texting and he's all right.  Not as cute as I thought (he sent me a second picture, LOL).  Generous with the compliments, almost to the point where it's verging on too much, but not yet.  Seems fine, but I'm less interested than I was.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.  I need to pick a spot for us to go to.  I think we're going to Old Town.  I love Old Town once I'm there, I just hate the idea of going there for some reason.  Great ambience, though, I have to admit that.  I've had a few first dates down that way!

There's my update.  I feel droopy today.  ;-)  I need to get my workout done tonight (tomorrow will be my night off) and try to get to bed at a more reasonable hour.  Dream big!

4, 3, 2, 1....

I'm a prolific poster today, it seems.  It also seems I am having a hard time focusing at work. :-D

So, between last night and today, I've started talking to 4 individuals.  We're going to do a chronicle to see how long it takes 4 to become 0, and why.

In all honesty, one already went kaboom this morning, and I shall disclose the circumstances forthwith.

Candidate #1:  We shall call him Kaboom.  Messaged me this morning, we exchanged several replies.  He looked familiar, but I couldn't place him.  He seemed nice enough and then I asked why he'd been single for four years (it was in his profile).  He told me it was because his last two exes cheated on him for the same reason, and he'd been dealing with the repercussions.  Suddenly alarm bells went off.  I'd HAD THIS CONVERSATION BEFORE.  He remembered me, I didn't remember him until then. 

We stopped talking last time, which was a few months ago, because he was one of those guys who wanted to talk about sexual preferences and history before we even met.  I told him I wasn't into that, and he explained that because of his past, he had to be upfront and discuss these things like an adult right off the bat.  His problem?  His exes cheated on him because he was "too big". 

WTFever, sir.  I told you no sex chatter last time, I still mean it this time.  Told him as much, as nicely as I could.  "No problem Princess, I wish you luck."

Um.  Not your princess, Kaboom.  Down in flames he went, and he took his too large equipment with him, and I'm not sad.  A successful round trip from promise to disaster in about an hour.  Records are set!  Standards are failed.  The world goes on!

Candidate #2: We shall call him Ten, which is how many times I got his first message in succession due to a phone error.  ;-)  Seems like a nice guy, very earnest and somehow innocent seeming?  That's probably a lie, LOL.  We both love football, and he seems interested in talking on the phone or meeting up soon.  He has an unfortunate first name.  Actually, just a nickname I can't stand for a nice name.  I would have to rename him.  :-p

Candidate #3: BeachBoy is his name, because his username has something involving beach in it, and I'm lazy.  He's quite likeable.  Cute.  He's a cop, which is not my dream partner's job because it scares me, but I can deal at this early point.  Not crossing any lines yet (for a whole MORNING!!, ha) and hasn't asked about my attire.  Cheers!

Candidate #4: Supercuteboy.  Yup, all one word.  Because he's super cute.  Cutest of all the four.  I randomly messaged him last night when he popped up on the site.  It was really late, and historically I don't hear back from most of the really cute ones I message on my own, LOL.  But this morning, bright and early, he responded.  He was sweet and told me I was very pretty, and that he hoped to talk to me more soon.  Can I just say how nice it was to be told I was "pretty"?  Not sexy.  Not hot.  Not gorgeous.  I would take pretty any day because it feels more sincere.

I just had a moment of panic where I thought I responded to #3's message with #4's name.  :-o  Double checked and I'm safe, but that is one of the perils of holding so many simultaneous conversations...keeping the names straight!  I don't know #4's real name yet, though. 

Anyway, so there's today's outline.  Stay tuned to see how Ten, BeachBoy and Supercuteboy fare as the day (s) wear on.  OOOOH, the suspense.

My predictions?  One will randomly stop messaging me (#4?).  One will cross the line with sex talk or turn me off in some other fashion (#3?).  One may linger around for awhile, but then interest will wane (#2). 

It would be nice if I were wrong.  Really.  It would be quite lovely.

Slow & Steady

Slow and steady wins the race.  That's what I keep reminding myself in this newfound journey towards getting in better shape.  I didn't gain this extra weight in a week, so why would I expect to lose it in a week? 

I've officially been doing this for a week today.  I meet with my personal trainer again tonight, and I'm looking forward to it.  I weighed myself for the first time last week on Tuesday, and decided that would be my personal weigh in day.  I hesitated about doing it weekly, wondering if I should just wait until the two week mark when my trainer does my measurements again.  I remembered the last time I tried Weight Watchers this spring. 

I dieted and worked out really well that first week, and I got on the scale and felt hopeful.  I'd lost a pound and change.  I felt so discouraged, and I basically gave up immediately.  The first time I did WW I lost about 4 lbs. the first week, and so seeing such a small loss that next time was hugely disappointing. 

This time around, I decided I had enough motivation that even a small loss wouldn't throw me off track.  I'm looking at the bigger picture, and I know how hard I've been working. 

Two pounds.  I lost about 2 lbs. this week.  Yes, I was a little disappointed when I first saw the numbers pop up on the scale.  But 2 lbs. is 2 lbs.  Slow and steady wins the race.

I have been kicking ass this week.  Truly.  I have never felt this motivated on both the eating better and working out fronts.  Usually one is easier, one is harder.  But I've had so many small victories on the nutrition front. 

* Opting out of Happy Minute pizza on Friday at work in favor of pre-personal training Peanut Butter Crackers
* Went to the store this weekend.  Only when I got home did I realize I'd left the store (my favorite, and a BEACON for so many delicious baked things and snacks I love) without buying dessert or sweets.  Nothing.  I bought lean meats, eggs, fruits, whole grain sandwich thins, veggies.  HUGE deal for me. 
* Last night I was still hungry after dinner.  I was craving ice cream or something sweet.  Instead, I opted for a bowl of Special K cereal.  Do I wish I'd been able to skip the snack entirely? Sure.  But I was hungry, and so I made a smarter choice about what to eat, and that's okay sometimes.  I'm proud of myself!

And to continue to document my awesomeness, on this, my first weigh in day and the week anniversary of my new path to superhero status:

Tuesday 8/25: Met with personal trainer for 60 minute workout session
Wednesday: 30 minutes cardio at the gym
Thursday: Stretching. Day off from gym due to ungodly soreness
Friday: 60 minute personal training session
Saturday: Strength training and workout at home, 30 minutes
Sunday: 60 mins at gym, plus strength training at home
Monday: 45 minutes at gym, plus strength training and exercise ball work at home

I kid you not, folks. Even when I'm at home watching a movie, or catching up on DVR, I'm sitting on the exercise ball.  I'm doing crunches on commercial breaks.  I'm lifting small hand weights.  I'm stretching.  I'm doing various exercises I've learned from the trainer.  I'm so much more conscious of how much I can do even when "relaxing" at home.  Little things can add up.  I'm drinking more water.  I'm snacking less often and healthier.  I'm planning for healthy meals.  I LOOK FORWARD to seeing my trainer. 

Also, this weekend he sent out a message that a client of his just found out she was PG, and wanted to sell her remaining 5 sessions for $60.  I snatched that up, oh yes I did.  So now I have 18 sessions on the books, two under my belt.  Pretty awesome.  :-)

So that wraps up my brag post for this fine Tuesday.  I apologize if it's obnoxious, but I think it's really important to remind myself of these victories, especially in the beginning.  I'm feeling really good about all of this, and it's nice to put it all down in one place and see that I have good reason to feel that way!

Catch and Release

So like I said before, I'm back to swimming in the Plenty of Fish pool.  Oh online dating, how I love you.  Except for when I don't.

Luckily, Hoodie Man never messaged me back after our last exchange.  Dodged a bullet on that one!  I'm glad he let his ignorance show before I bothered meeting him for a date.  Don't think I mentioned it, but I spoke with another guy that night.  He started out normally enough, though a bit on the aggressively flirty side.  Fine, fine, I can take that.  However, conversation AGAIN turned to what I would wear on a date (WTF, guys?).  He said something about liking a woman in heels, and I said sure, I wear heels on occasion.  But again I pointed out that heels aren't a good idea for something like a mini golf date.  He went on about how if I wore heels, I could cause him to be distracted and I could beat him.  He said that would be even more true if the heels strapped around the ankle.

Two things about that.

1) I could beat you in miniature golf without having to distract you with high heels, sir.
2) WHAT.THE.EFF?

I told him (half)jokingly that it was a bit early to disclose his shoe fetish.  Guess who didn't respond?  ;-)  Guess that hit too close too home, LOL.

And to round out the weirdo stories, I give you a third from yesterday.  I'm exchanging messages with a new guy who had contacted me, seemed really nice.  We were off to a good start, bonding over our love of labs and the like.  He told me in his first message to me that I was very sexy.  Hmm.  Okay.  I'm trying not to be hypersensitive about these things, so I ignore the red flag.  Next message he tells me I have a really sexy figure.  Fine.  Finally, in response to a legit message from me, he sends me one that basically tells me to go look at a photo album of pics of him and then says "BTW, I really love your chest."

Excuse me, but when did it become acceptable to compliment someone's BOOBS within the first five messages?  Immediately I was done with him. 

Look, it's fine to like my body. It's fine to notice that I have some pretty nice assets up top.  But come on....isn't there something to be said for politeness?  Decorum?  That's the kind of thing that I probably do not want to hear before we've even met in person, and even then, it has to be the right setting, or the right time.  If that's what you're complimenting me on now, while ignoring the content of my actual message....well, we're just probably not a good match.

I again had an urge to update my profile as a result of these interactions, but then I realized...if I update my profile to reflect every idiotic interaction I have on these sites, it will be pages and pages long and basically just end up being a bitchfest.  So I refrained. 

I'm tired of catching these cute, potential guys and then having to release them when they reveal themselves to be cliched dirtbags.  I think I am due to catch one and keep it for awhile...just to see.  Where are all the good fish?