Next time I'll just go see the movie by myself!

So I had my second date Saturday night with the guy from last weekend, he of the magical snowy Old Town evening.  I’d been looking forward to it all week long.  I was like a giddy teenager.  I had my outfit picked out, my jewelry, how I’d do my hair.  I anticipated the possibility of our first kiss, and envisioned him grabbing my hand in the movie theater.

Saturday morning he texted me and said, “Did you know this movie is 2 hours and 40 minutes long?”  I replied and told him that I’d warned him it was long.  This was the second time since Wednesday, when we’d decided on this movie, that he’d made a comment about it, the first being a comment about possibly falling asleep during it.  I grudgingly told him that we didn’t have to see it, I would just go see it another time.  He asked if there was anything else I wanted to see, I told him the truth…no.  So he relented and agreed to go to the original movie.  But I told him no, I wouldn’t enjoy it if I knew he wouldn’t want to see it.  Entirely true.  I refuse to drag people to movies I know they are not interested in because it takes away from my viewing pleasure, and I’ve been trying to see this movie for WEEKS. 

We decided to go out to dinner then come to my apartment to watch a movie.  Fine.  I was a little bit annoyed about the last minute plan change.  I was disappointed about again not seeing the movie I wanted, and beyond that, I had to spend a great deal of time that afternoon cleaning my apartment for company.

However, my annoyance wore off and my anticipation returned, and I got myself all ready.  I looked awesome.  New outfit, straight, delightful hair, all the right details.  He suggested meeting at the restaurant.  Okay.  Kind of strange, but whatever.  As I was about to leave the house, tells me he may be about 10 minutes later than planned as he was going to walk instead.  Stranger, but again, whatever.  I delay my departure to accommodate the latest change, and head out.  I beat him there and get a table. 

He arrives and looks very cute.  The owner knows him, comes over to say hi, chats with me for a few minutes.  When he leaves, my date tells me, “That’s the nicest he’s ever been to me!”  I tell him, “You’re welcome.”  ;-)

Dinner is good.  We get along very well again.  He compliments my nail color and my bracelet throughout the meal.  Afterwards, we go to my car, and he asks if we can stop by his apartment for him to pick up beer.  Seriously.  I had told him before that I don’t really drink at home, and I never have beer on hand.  So, I’m a sucker, so we stop.  He tells me don’t worry, I’ll get a cab home so you don’t have to drive me.  Hmm.

Back at my apartment I give him the 2 minute tour and we sit down to watch the movie.  He talks.  A lot.  During the movie.  This is a movie I love to show to people if they haven’t seen it.  A movie I adore. He knows this.  I keep pausing it when he’s jabbering.  At first it’s kind of funny, but it gets annoying. 

During one part of the movie, one character tries to get another to stop smoking.  He puffs out in agitation at this.  Important note:  This guy’s dating profile said “Sometimes” for smoking.  I didn’t notice this until we’d been talking for about a week and I already liked him.  We discussed it at the time, and he told me he was just a social smoker, not an all the time thing.  I was functioning under this impression until this point.

So he actually says something about how smokers are so oppressed by society. They can’t smoke anywhere.  He likens people who dislike smokers to how he dislikes when people talk on cell phones going through checkout lines.  I point out that, no, those are totally not comparable.  Talking on a cell phone doesn’t make the person smell like an ashtray, nor does it have an adverse physical effect on others around them.  It’s just annoying, it’s not a health issue.

He disagrees, we awkwardly wind in and out of this conversation before somehow setting it aside to continue the movie.  I’m turned off. 

When the movie ends, I go to take my dog out.  He insists he wants to come with me.  We’re barely out there 2 minutes before he says, “Let’s go back in, I’m cold!”  I told him I should have just gone by myself.

Back inside, we sit on the couch and he flips through my On Demand selections for a few minutes, never taking his coat off.  I ask if he wants to go home, he says, “Yeah, soon.”  At this point I basically just watch him flip through the channels, ready to get rid of him. 

Sidenote:  He drank 2 drinks at the restaurant, and 3 beers at my apartment.  Told me he’d walked to the restaurant because he wanted to drink and he couldn’t risk driving since he has a security clearance.  Note also that he took a cab to our first date as well, for the same reason.  Pattern.

Finally he says “Should I call a cab?”  Subtle.  I tell him no, I’ll take him home.  I’m annoyed.  I gather up my purse and coat quickly, lead him out the door.  I speed to his apartment.  We pull up, he gives me a hug, thanks me, gets out, and I depart immediately. 

I get home and bemoan the fact that I just wasted all this effort on looking nice for nothing. 

He texts me.  Tells me he feels like he left really abruptly, he doesn’t know why because he was having fun.  I reply, “You did.” He asks if I’m bitter with him.  We have this weird text convo where he basically tells me he left because he wanted to smoke, and he knows that’s “a big deal for me”.  I am NOT impressed.  He can tell.  He gets defensive. 

He says, among other things:

You seem to have incredibly strict standards on that.  I’m not a pack a day smoker.  I do like one or two on a Saturday night. It’s not the entirety of me.

Sorry, I like a smoke now and then.  Whoopsy daisy.

I’m not a Mormon.

I feel trapped if I can’t smoke.

At this point I’m feeling the not very subtle hostility.  He begins to remind me of my most recent ex.  The scary one.  The one whom I chose my words carefully with to avoid sparking his anger.  Red flag.  I am just responding “Okay then” over and over. I’m not taking the bait.

We wrap up, with him telling me he’s sorry.  He was disappointing.  He would liked to have stayed.  I looked stunning.  Whatever.  I go to bed.

Sunday sucked.  I slept in until 11, woke up with a migraine.  Took a pill, went back to sleep about 2.  He’d texted me a couple times prior to that, I responded very briefly.  When I woke up at 5:45, he’d asked me about hanging out again that night.  At first I waffled.  Then I thought of everyone I know telling me I don’t give people enough chances on these early dates.  I rule people out too quickly.  So I said okay.

He came over.  He smelled like smoke.  Gross.  Instant turn-off.

We watched a movie.  He talked less this time, probably because I didn’t actually give a damn about this movie.  He sat with enough room in between us to hold another person.  After the movie he said he had to go home, gave me a hug.  I gladly escorted him out my door, and that was done.  Done, done, done.

I should have trusted my instincts after Saturday.  No harm, no foul, really, save for the nasty cigarette smell I was stuck with for 2 hours.  Now I know for sure, and I can close that tiny little book and toss it into the dating fire for kindling!  And I can go out knowing that I did look stunning on Saturday, and it is his loss, and we all know it…me, him, and the restaurant owner from Saturday night.  ;-)

Just goes to show you, one great date does not a boyfriend make!

Chaste

On Friday night, I had dinner with a lovely fellow.  We met for tapas and sangria in Old Town, finishing with an exquisitely delicious Tres Leches cake.  The conversation flowed.  I laughed.  A lot.  I found myself illogically smiling throughout the evening, pleased with my good fortune.  I felt happy and flushed with anticipation, even though the evening was already in progress.


There was a moment during dinner where I said something that came out wrong.  I reached out across the table in a gesture of clarification or apology or something.  We were both laughing, but he grabbed my hand and held it for a moment and told me it was okay, he understood what I meant. 

When we left the restaurant, it was snowing.  Just a little bit, but it was beautiful.  We walked a block over to another restaurant to have a drink.  Old Town is so lovely, anyway, but in the snow, on a sparkly, shiny, happy, new date, it was positively glowing.  It was quieter than usual, perhaps because of the weather.  We got a tall table by the front window of the restaurant, which meant we got a view of the snow beyond the window, the awning of the restaurant, fluttering down beneath the streetlights. 

After the drinks, we left out onto the street, and it was snowing pretty well by then.  The sidewalks were slick with a mix of the snow and some freezing rain that had mixed in.  I'd worn these brand new, lovely suede ankle boots, which I'd luckily treated before wearing, LOL.  Nonetheless, they had a bit of a heel, and it was a little slick.  I asked my date if I could borrow his arm for balance, and he obliged.  We walked to my car with my arm looped through his, our shoulders touching with each step.

When we parted, he hugged me.  A short time later he texted to make sure I'd gotten home okay.

I felt puzzled.  He didn't even try to kiss me?  Did he not like me?  What was wrong?  I went over the events of the evening and all signs pointed to him liking me.  I couldn't figure it out.  My thoughts wandered from what was wrong with me to what was wrong with him. 

Then I realized what I was doing.

This man, this date, had been a gentleman.  And he was shy.  I made him nervous.  I could tell.  Even if I hadn't known on my own, he told me as much in advance, and again while we were out.  It was puzzling, but endearing.  I knew that during the date, but somehow after, I'd forgotten.  It would have been out of character for this shy man to kiss me on our first date.  And that was okay.  It was okay to part with a hug.

I am historically attracted to a very specific type.  There is no physical type, as each person I've dated for any measure of time has looked dramatically different from the others.  It's a personality type.  Sarcastic.  Cocky.  Charming.  Smooth.  Knows just what to say and when to say it. 

This new guy, he was an anomaly.  He was out of type for me.  He was charming in an awkward, nervous way.  He was funny, but not in a sarcastic way.  He was smart, but not in an overbearing way.  He was sweet.  Just sweet.

It's amazing the things that your brain internalizes over the years, the things that become a habit, an expectation.  I'd become accustomed to a way of being with someone.  Layers of heavy sarcasm over almost everything.  Intense highs and lows.  Tiny, almost imperceptible digs at my intelligence.  A feeling of never having enough experience, or the right experience. 

I want to break my patterns.  I don't want to wonder what is wrong with a man when he is polite and well spoken and gentlemanly.  I want to appreciate those things, to know that those are things that I want in a man, and to *expect* them.  I shouldn't be surprised when I encounter them.  I should be surprised when I don't.

It's a process.  I have to remind myself often of all of these little things.  I deserve better than what I've had.  I deserve more.  I am worth more.  And beyond me, I try to remember the other things.  Waiting can be a good thing.  Anticipation can be excellent.  Taking it slow can be exquisite. 

I'm not saying this man is my soulmate.  I'm not saying he is the answer to all of my previous relationship woes, the one who will redeem my faith in everything.  I'm just saying that on Friday, I had a positively lovely, luminous date with a very nice man. It was like something out of a book or a movie, so scenic and perfect, like a moment in time captured in a bottle.  The world became so small and snug, and I was happy in it's cocoon.

****************************
We have a second date on Saturday night. 
:-)

Stolen words

A friend posted this on facebook, and it struck me, and I had to steal it and bring it here for safekeeping.

She Let Go...
Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of judgments. She let go of the
confluence of
opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the
‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She just let go.
She let go of all the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the
anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it
just
right. She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public
announcement. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily
horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her
friends to
discuss the matter. She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or
congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her
face. A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
Here’s to giving ourselves the gift of letting go…
There’s only one guru ~ YOU.

Jennifer Eckert Bernau

Sigh.

Today has been a huge blur of pain and sleep.  Damn migraine basically ate up the day.  I spent twenty minutes sitting in a hot shower, letting the water beat down on my sore neck, my old standby indicator of a migraine to come, and the gift that keeps on giving for the duration of the headache.  I took one of my pills, didn't work, tried hydrating with water, didn't work.  Forced myself to eat, took more meds, icepacks, sleeping off and on.  Somewhere along the line I woke up and felt somewhat better.  Now I just have that migraine hangover.  My body is tired, my eyes are tired.  I'm in bed, going to sleep again soon.

I am SO overdue for acupuncture, and I'm so glad I have my first appt. back tomorrow.  I swear I've had more and they've been worse since my financially induced lapse in acupuncture began.  Glad I'm back on track.  I also have an appt. for a physical tomorrow morning, and my semi annual chick Dr. appt. wednesday.  SO MUCH FUN to be had.  Glad to be insured again, though.

Sigh.  My body is so, so tired. 

Focus

It's been awhile since I posted, I know this. There has just been so much going on, and it's hard to know where to begin after a gap like this.

Today has been weird.  I went home for Christmas, but it was an incredibly brief trip.  With the new job only three weeks in, I didn't want to take off a bunch of time.  Didn't seem like the best way to start, so I left Friday evening and was back in the city by 10:30 this morning.  Told you it was brief! 

The holidays were good, but as holidays often are, full of nostalgia.  Special days like that are hard for me as a singleton, as I'm so used to being with someone for them.  Last year I brought the most recent ex home with me for the holiday, and so this year was full of memories of how things were just a year ago.  Just a year ago..in some ways it seems so recent, in other ways it feels like an eternity.

As time goes by I realize this is the longest I've been single since I was 18 years old, and at that point I'd never had a relationship.  In less than two months I will have been living back on my own for a year, which is crazy to think about.  So much has happened in this year, both good and bad.  Growing pains, personal revelations and exploration, internal struggles about who I am, what I want, what I deserve. 

The people in my romantic past never fully go away.  Sometimes I feel like I am being tested by their continued resurgence in my life.  Seeing them move on, even if I know we were not a proper match, is incredibly hard.  I see their new relationships progressing, and while I know they are deeply flawed, some part of me is jealous.  But I try to remind myself that having someone who things are good enough with is not better than being alone and being okay.  I don't want to settle anymore.  I don't want to make huge accommodations for the inherent broken qualities in people I've dated.  I don't want to make excuses for their bad behavior.  I want someone who I can embrace completely and with pride.  If I can't have that, then let me stay alone.

While my professional life is finally taking shape, and I feel like I am embarking on a career instead of muddling through a job, my personal life remains a muddled and murky place.  Honestly, it's been nice to have the job as a productive point of focus.  All of my life has been spent either waiting for a relationship or working with every fiber of my being to make an existing one work.  I've never put any real effort into anything else.  It's been a weird sense of relief to find the bulk of my focus and self-worth these days coming from my professional life instead. 

My job makes me feel like I have a purpose.  It reminds me how intelligent I am, how far I've come, and how much I'm capable of.  I have things to say, I have ideas, and I'm finally in a position where I'm able and willing to speak up about them, and where people who matter will listen.  Beyond that, and perhaps most importantly, it proves to me that I am more than just a person who can be in a relationship. 

I am more than someone who is too nice to exes who don't deserve it.  I am more than someone who gives into impulsive decisions that may burn me emotionally later.  I am more than someone who generally feels pretty lost personally in many ways.  I am more than the girl who occasionally crushes on people she shouldn't, and I'm more than a source of dating story fodder for my friends. 

These days, I take comfort in the security I've found professionally, even if it's still a pretty new feeling for me.  It's a place to retreat to when I've let my guard down a little in my personal life and either gotten burned, or realized that maybe this time, I'm the damaged one.  It is an escape from my overanalysis and dissection of every single thing around me. 

Oh, I have so many other posts in me, things to tell and do that very analysis mentioned above...hopefully I will get to it soon.  For now, bedtime.

So here's the thing...

I'm kind of happy right now.  Sure, it's only my second day with the new job under my belt.  But DAMN.  I'm happy.  I love it.  I am brand new there, but I already feel like I'm settling in.  I know what the hell I'm talking about.  I know what I'm doing.  I'm not intimidated by anyone.  I am knocking some small fears I've had for so long like they're minor distractions.  I'm motivated, and confident and EXCITED.  I can't remember the last time I've felt so legitimately excited about work.  I've had moments before, sure....recognition.  Praise.  Kudos.  Acknowledgement of my skill set and my abilities.  I got an absolute ton of it in my last week at work.  I had long, professional, equally matched feeling conversations with important people at my now former job at the holiday party, and I felt damn good.

Today the HR Director at my new firm saw me, and she was with several other HR members, and I was with the person I report to, as well as another new hire who was on the office tour as well.  The HR Director piped up and told me she'd received a really nice email about me that day from someone at my old firm.  Seriously?  That is AWESOME.  I am eternally grateful to my old firm for all of the opportunities I got there, for all of the relationships I built there, both in terms of friendship and in terms of colleagues and networking.

I got an office, too.  I sat it in this morning when I got in, as not many people were in yet.  I felt good about my efforts over the last several years, and how much I've changed to get to this point where I am more than okay in this role.  I spent all day working my ass off, wanting to do the best I can there, wanting to let them know every day they made the right choice.

I love my friends.  I love the firm I just left and so many people there.  I love the potential my new job holds.  I love that we might get flurries tomorrow.  I love how I feel and look in my new dressier work clothes.  I love that when I meet people in this office for the first time they've already heard about me, and are excited to meet me, and tell me how excited they are for my ideas.

Things are good, and I earned them, and I deserve them to be good, and I am going to enjoy every single (possibly overworked at times!) second.  :-)

And exhale.

Well, I can finally officially spill on something big that's been brewing for a few weeks now.  It is part of why I have been so distracted/stressed/anxious.  I have accepted a new job, and my last day at the current job is December 2nd.  I start the new position on Monday, December 5.  I am pretty damn excited.  It's also scary because I have been at my current employer for nearly 7 years, and there are certain perks to such a long term of residence in one spot.  However, comfort and familiarity will get you nowhere in the professional world, so when an opportunity fell into my lap, unsolicited, I gave it a fair assessment and went for it.

I am insanely proud of how well I handled the whole process.  I interviewed very well, two interviews total.  I met with all the big important people and impressed the hell out of them.  They even ceased their second round interviews after meeting with me.  :-)  They made me an offer the next morning, I counteroffered the next morning, and within half an hour my counteroffer had been accepted.  I advocated on my own behalf, negotiated what I wanted and needed and got every thing I asked for.  It was a pretty spectacular feeling!

Everyone at my current employer has been so fantastic.  They are all very supportive and they understand that the move is in my best interest, as there is no room for advancement here.  Our Chief Financial Officer took me out the day I gave notice, and in my last week I have two lunches scheduled, one with my small sub-department and one with the entire bigger department.  I am lucky to have spent the last nearly 7 years at such a great company, and I am going to miss everyone and everything I know incredibly, but I know I need to take the next step.

I'd been waiting on the background check to formally clear before I told my news, and it was finalized this morning, and so here I am, sharing my good news with you all.  :-)

Just breathe

The past couple of months have been so crazy for me.  I've been going through a lot of things, including very soaring highs and very hard lows.  I've alternately felt very aimless and very set in my path, and sometimes I just fall in the middle somewhere.

Work. Dating.  Friendships.  Family.  Personal goals and personal failures.  Successes and mistakes.  Self-reproach and self-satisfaction.  It's been a weird ride.

I saw my therapist again today.  As often happens, in advance I thought maybe I wouldn't have enough to talk about.  However, once I got in there, I talked mostly nonstop, often in jumbled, hurried, paragraphs.  By the end of the session I realized it...I've barely given myself time to breathe lately.

I've either been legitimately busy with real activities, or my mind has been racing a mile a minute.  Mind you, I've also had bouts of plenty of free time.  But even in the quiet times, I can't get my brain to settle down. 

My attention span has been lacking.  I can't focus my thoughts enough to write blog posts like I used to.  I've been reading the same (excellent!) book for over a month, which I NEVER do.  I can't write in general because I can't sift through everything in my head to glean anything useful out.  It's all such a disjointed mess. 

I never just sit in the quiet anymore.  I don't know how to be quiet right now.  I always have the TV on, my ipod on, music on in the car.  My phone is always buzzing with emails and texts and IMs or I'm surfing online or playing on Facebook or otherwise entangled.  I go to bed with the TV on until I'm near sleep, I keep a notebook on my nightstand not for impulsive creative thoughts, but in case I think of something I need to do or take care of. 

My mind doesn't know how to rest anymore.  I don't know how to just sit quietly, disconnected, by myself.  I feel like I always have to be doing something or talking to someone or worrying about the next thing.  Silence panics me. 

Yesterday my day felt off.  All day through.  I knew why, too.  Compared to a normal day, I was interacting with far fewer people via text and IM and email.  My phone wasn't ringing like usual, or buzzing constant alerts.  I felt invisible most of the day and night.  I actually felt forgotten, missed, ignored.  The break wasn't welcomed, it was a reason to feel upset.  I went to bed feeling off kilter because of it. 

My therapist encouraged me to take a minute to just pay attention to my breathing.  She had me do it right there and then, in our session.  The silence was deafening.  Ten seconds in and I was thinking about how I felt dumb, worrying about the things we'd been discussing, consciously fretting that I was wasting my valuable therapy session just breathing.

 "I have a picture to give you, too. Here is a forties photograph of a woman that I found in last Sunday’s paper. She is seated on the grass, wearing a suit and a hat, her purse centered in her lap. She is smiling, but her eyes ache, and behind her, I know this, her hands are clenched. She can’t relax. She has forgotten the grass. I kept staring at her, thinking, this is me. Checking my purse three times for keys before I leave the house. Stacking mail in order of the size of the envelopes. Answering the phone every single time it rings, writing “paper towels” on the grocery list the second after I use the last one. I too have forgotten the grass. But I used to do one-handed cartwheels and then collapse into it for the fine sight of the blades close up. And there was no sense of any kind of time. And I was not holding in my stomach or thinking what does my opinion mean to others. I was not regretting any part of myself. There was only sun-rich color, and smell, and the slight give of the soft earth beneath me. My mind was in my heart, anchored like a bright kite in a safe place ."-Elizabeth Berg, The Pull of the Moon

I too have forgotten the grass.  But I want and need to remember it again.  I have to figure out how to let myself breathe again. 

This Girl Can't Focus

I am super distracted.  I'm at work and I can't focus on work at all.  Luckily I don't have a ton of work on my desk, nor anything particularly pressing, so my scattered disposition today isn't too much of  a crisis.

I have a lot going on in my head right now, so it's kind of handy that I have my final free counseling session with my therapist today.  We're doing a wrap up of our sessions since I returned and deciding if I want to continue.  If I do, it will likely just be a couple more times this calendar year since I've already met my deductible, LOL.

It has been an eventful couple of weeks, with lots of things circling around, and hopefully soon all of it will settle down and I'll be able to talk more freely about these things.  Right now I just need to keep my stuff in check so I don't get overwhelmed! 

Slacker

I have been such a blogging slacker lately.  Partially it's because I have been insanely busy, but I think it's also that I've just had too much sloshing around in my head and I couldn't find a way to organize it neatly.

Dating.  It's going.  Better than it has in awhile, but that doesn't require much.  ;-)  Tonight I go on Date #3 with the gentleman I will refer to as Maryland.  I am driving out to him because he drove out to me last weekend, and it only seems fair.  I'm not particularly excited, as I've discovered that I don't really enjoy driving around Maryland (the state, LOL) because I'm still hugely unfamiliar with it, and it seems to involve a lot of construction and detours and other such madness. 

I have many tentative plans for the weekend, but I have to be honest...I'm kind of hoping most of them fall through.  I need a break.  I need time to get some sleep.  To do laundry.  To clean up my apartment, run errands, watch football and DVR.  I need time to just be on my own.  I'm hoping to get together with a girlfriend who is in town Saturday/Sunday.  I spend entirely too much time with guys!  Most of my friends I talk to most frequently in the area are men, and that's fine and dandy, but sometimes you just need a break.

I'm doing okay, though.  Gotten to bed a little earlier the last few nights, which is nice.  Thinking about taking off work early today to go home and relax a little before my long night of driving and dating.  The idea of bonding with my couch for a bit is hugely appealing! 

Anyway, that's my boring Friday update.  Will try to do a more noteworthy post this weekend perhaps!