trust your instincts

Met the Bass Player in November 2011.  Had one date at a sports bar wherein we watched a Redskins game and ate lunch.  After the date we hugged and he told me he wanted to see me again and that he would call me.I messaged him the next day to thank him for lunch and say hi.  He never replied.  I washed my hands of him and moved forward, as that's the same weekend I met Baltimore.

Several months later, the Bass Player reappears in my inbox.  His message says something about me disappearing on him.  I point out that actually it was the opposite.  He claims to have never gotten the message. I don't believe him, but he somehow cons me into agreeing to go out again.  We make plans, which he asks to reschedule at the last minute.  My red flag radar has been going off weakly since he reappeared, but it ramped up at this point, so I kindly demur from the date.  He tells me it's my loss, and I tell him I don't deal well with big egos.  The end.

Now jump to a couple of weeks ago when the Bass Player re-surfaced AGAIN.  My radar is pinging all over the place now, but my IRL friends are encouraging me to give him a chance again.  Why?  I don't know.  But I decide to try because I'm trying to dispel the notion that I give up on people too quickly. 

So we had our lunch, it was fine, but he is BORING.  Nice guy, but no sense of humor, no dynamic personality, and while he's good looking, there's no actual chemistry.  He tells me at the end of the date he wants to see me again, I tell him I'll be out of town the next weekend, so maybe after that.  We exchange maybe 10 texts over the next few days, none of which had any content.  Never did he ask me anything about myself, or try to pin down another date.  I see him on PoF when I'm online checking my messages, I don't give a shit. 

So yesterday he texts me, "So, are you interested in perusing something with me?"  First of all, I'm pretty sure he meant pursuing, but it made me laugh.  I responded and told him that I would be up for going out again if that's what he meant.  He responds and tells me that it bothers him to see me on PoF "talking to other guys", and that if I like him, I should quit sending him mixed messages.

UMMM.  What?  I point out that we had one lunch date that lasted less than an hour, and that I'd barely heard anything from him since, so I did not imagine we were beholden to one another.  I also pointed out that really he hadn't seemed *that* interested, as he'd not made an effort to get to know me since, or to contact me much. 

He tells me he is interested, but that he thinks it's disrespectful to talk to other people when we're talking.  He then asks how I would feel if I bought him dinner and then he was talking to another girl.  I didn't answer because honestly?  One dinner?  I fully expect in online dating that the people I go out with are talking to others.  It's really kind of stupid to expect otherwise, at least after ONE date.  One lackluster date, btw.  If we'd had some insane chemistry and spent 8 hours together talking in depth and bonding, maybe.  But we had a short lunch.  We hugged goodbye.  THE END.

At this point I'm annoyed and I give him the rundown.  You blew me off the first time we went out, then when we talked months later, you told me it was my loss when I opted out of a date with you.  Now you're giving me grief about talking to other people on a dating site after one lunch date? 

He responded with some bullshit, but the main point he ended on was, "It's okay, actions speak louder than words.  I hope you find what you're looking for."

I replied, "I couldn't agree more.  Take care."

Really what I wanted to say was:  GOOD RIDDANCE YOU RIDICULOUS, DELUSIONAL, RED FLAG RIDDEN ASSHOLE.

Shame on me for ignoring my instincts with him not once, but twice.  But more importantly?  Good riddance to the ridiculous, delusional, red flag ridden asshole. 

;-)

scattered summer mind

So it turns out my focus isn't so great during the summer months.  I started a book over a month ago and have barely picked it up, so I'm not even halfway done.  It takes me a week to get through a magazine.  I've not been a prolific blogger, and I can't really say what I've been doing with my time. 

Right now the weather is gorgeous in the DC area.  Cool, breezy mornings and warm, summery evenings.  I spent Thursday-Sunday last weekend at the beach with a group of six girlfriends.  Two days at the beach, two nights at Seacrets night club, dinners, drinks, bonding, clashing, sleeping.  I've lived alone for two and a half years now, so sharing space with that many people for that long was a bit of a challenge!  I had a good time, though, got some color at the beach (and a sunburn, go figure), danced my ass off one night, and met some random POF guy from the DC area who happened to be in the area that weekend as well. 

Beyond that, it's just the same old, same old.  Trying to get back into the consistent, 5x a week gym routine instead of the slacker 3-4  days I've been doing this summer.  Trying to keep my apartment clean.  Watching summer TV.  Anticipating my trip home to Omaha for Labor Day weekend.  Sifting through the detritus of my dating pool, wondering if I'm going to be single forever.

So many of my friends are living lives full of two and three kids, husbands, houses, adult lives.  And then there's me....my biggest concerns are when I'm going to paint my nails before my next pointless date, and doing all the laundry from my beach trip.  Getting to the gym 5x a week instead of 3, forcing myself to cook occasional dinners rather than eating popcorn as a meal.  On the surface, it sounds easy and like a walk in the park, to only have to worry about myself.  But seriously?  I want to worry about someone else again.  I'm starting to get that frustrated feeling again....I have so much to give and no one to give it to, and it alternately makes me sad and makes me angry.

Sometimes I wish I could settle, but other times I'm glad I don't.  I like being alone, but I'm tired of it.  I want more, but I don't know if I can handle more.  It's a life full of contradictions.  Lately when I see couples being affectionate out in the world I find myself rolling my eyes.  People talk about love and relationships and I tune it out. One of my friends goes on a good date, or finds someone they want to be with in the early stages of a relationship, and I feel bitter and jealous.  It's not fair.

I just want football season.  I want to spend my weekends watching hours of football, making chili, going to the gym and watching more football, donning occasional hoodies, trying to get to games, tucking in to my apartment for the evening.  I need a seasonal shift I think.  I sometimes think I am in no fit state for anything else.

This post went in an entirely different direction than I expected.

Excuse me, your scars are showing

So I'm continuing along on the online dating trail for now, watching the days tick away until my self-imposed break.  I'm not talking to anyone noteworthy at the moment, and am still wondering if the Bass Player (aka the one I kindly referred to as boring) will still be interested in going out again after I get back from being out of town.  In the meantime, I spend a few minutes here and there wandering the sites, perusing the options.

Some profiles are nearly thoughtless, just throwing in the requisite amount of words to get by the dating site minions.  They put two sentences that tell you nothing and then tell you to just ask if you're interested.  Seriously?  That's fiercely lazy.  If you can't bother to put together a single thoughtful paragraph about yourself, why would I expect you to make an effort in anything else?  Unfortunately online dating does require one to sell themselves, at least a little bit.  If you're too good for that, then you're not meant for online dating.

Other profiles are so long and winding and rambling that it's hard to get through.  It's one thing to read a lengthy, well-written, humorous and charming profile.  It's another to read some person's run on thoughts.  The worst are the ranters.  The ones who rant about how fake most of the people are on the site, and how looking for anyone of substance is basically a joke.  Way to show that chip on your shoulder!  I steer way clear of those people. 

My own profile lists a couple of things, but not in a ranting way.  I tell people that I will want to meet them sooner than later, and that I'm not interested in an only online dynamic.  I ask for people who say what they mean and mean what they say, people who have their lives together and are not looking for someone to complete them, but to complement them.  I feel like that is wholly different than going on there and bitching out the entire online dating community about how everyone lies, and how everyone is broken and ridiculous.  I certainly may think those things sometimes, and write them here, but I don't put them on my profile. 

This morning I read a profile that hit me differently.  The main content was fairly non-exceptional, not spectacular writing, pretty basic information.  But at the end he was talking about what he was looking for, and he said, "Someone who will smile not frown and mostly someone who won't cheat ......"

That made me so sad for some reason. I guess I felt like that one little addendum on his profile, that closing sentence, showed me this guy's dating scars.  Clearly he's been cheated on.  And that made me sad. 

We all have our baggage.  No one gets to their 30s without having something to show for it, some past wrong, some hurt we've worked through, some way we've been betrayed.  Sometimes these things show through on people's profiles, and sometimes they come off as desperate or bitter.  Other times they just cause a little twinge of sympathy, of compassion.

It made me think also of an episode of Girls where Shoshanna and Hannah are watching that game show "Baggage" and subsequently discussing their own respective small, medium and large baggage.  I wonder what my baggage would be, and how interesting it would be if everyone had to disclose something similar on their dating profile.  Many people would lie or dodge it, that's for sure.  It's like the people in interviews who say their worst qualities are being TOO organized or TOO detail oriented [DISCLAIMER: I probably did this myself in the past, LOL.].  It's all about the spin.  But some people would tell the truth, and sometimes that would scare people off.  But maybe sometimes having it all laid out there would help.  You'd know what you're getting into.  If only truth were mandated on these sites!

For now I'm left catching glimpses of this baggage through random, unintentional moments like the one I read this morning.  At least that feels honest, which is more than I can say for a lot of the things I've encountered since beginning my online dating adventures.

This guy is probably not my match.  But I sent him a message, anyway, just to say hi.  Because the honesty matters, and it's nice, and it struck a chord.  That merits a hi today.

I went slumming and all I've got to show for it is this hickey

On Friday I went to the movies with some friends.  It was a large group, probably a dozen people.  I knew most of them, but there were a couple newbies.  I ended up seated next to one of them, and I decided quickly that I didn't like her.  Why?  She checked her phone and texted CONSTANTLY throughout the movie.  A horror movie, where the dark theater is important.  Where her huge, gigantic (I know because it's the same phone I have!) phone lit up a section of our row everytime she felt compelled to check the time, or her texts, or respond to something, or check her Facebook.

This is a huge, huge pet peeve of mine.  Why did she even come if she just wanted to go out with her phone?  Stop wasting my money and time with your rudness, please!  When I go to movies I mute my phone and it goes in my purse, where it stays, unchecked for the duration of the movie.  I can be unavailable for 2 hours.  End rant.

Saturday I had a double lined up for the day date-wise.  First up was the Bass Player, who I went out with for the first time over a year and a half ago.  He resurfaced, and because he is really cute, I said what the hell.  We met for lunch in a central location, which was still a hike for me since he lives really far out in VA.  He's still cute, no disputing that, and he's 6'3".  Hello!  Gotta love that.

Lunch was fine.  He's a nice guy.  He works full time and goes to school as well.  He's close with his family, who all live in the area.  He's a huge football fan.  He plays bass, previously in a band, but not currently, and seems great on paper.  Problem?  He just comes off blah to me.  Nice, attractive, like I *should* like him, but so far I'm not getting anything.

After lunch he asked about doing something this coming weekend, but I'll be out of town for a girls weekend, so I told him perhaps the following weekend.  He texted me yesterday to check in and say hi, and to see how my weekend had gone after our lunch.  Nice, right?

Saturday night was my first date with the Starving Artist. Not the same as Artboy!  He's 31, lives in DC, works as a waiter and bartender.  Loves to do art, has many tattoos on his arms, owns a condo and a car somehow.  We'd been talking for about a week, a ton of texting each evening.  Exchanging pics (nothing scandalous!).  We got along really well, so I was excited to meet him.  I knew he wasn't the drop dead gorgeous type, instead he was kind of rumpled and messy and adorable.  Like another artist type I know....

Saturday night we did drinks and dinner and back at my apartment after, we made out a little, and it was nice because the chemistry was pretty good.  He asked about seeing me again, and because of our conflicting schedules and me going out of town this coming weekend, we ended up hanging out again last night for a couple of hours.  More kissing ensued. 

But I realized something about the Starving Artist, in particular as I spent the second evening with him.  He was so insistent before we met that he was not a player.  That the only games he would play with me were board games (ha!).  That while he was dating around now, ultimately he wanted to find one person to date.  We had both already acknowledged with amusement that we didn't fully understand why we clicked, because we're vastly different. 

He's a self-proclaimed slacker with no goals beyond his job as a waiter/bartender.  He does art, but he doesn't try to make any money off of it.  He considers going out drinking twice a week to not be drinking very much.  He says he has no real nice clothes.  His condo is a hot mess, seriously.  I had to make a conscious effort to not look too closely or else it would have compelled me to start cleaning.  And his phone.  It was BLOWING UP and he was alternating between snatching the phone up to look at it, with the display purposefully out of my line of sight, or just checking it and telling me, "Oh, it's the crazy girl from NY", or "I don't even know who that one is from", etc. 

Meanwhile, he owns his condo and because he is an ARTIST, he draws and writes on his walls, and apparently gives others the freedom to do so.  So in addition to his own writings and drawings on there, he showed me a sequence of things that were done by two alternating girls he was dating at the same time, who were each trying to piss the other off with things they wrote on the wall.  WTF?

He was fun to kiss.  He was rumpled and cute.  He complimented my hair, my nails, my body, my whatever, over the course of the time we talked.  He had crazy, weird charm and talent.  But?

He kept saying I was slumming it with him.  That he didn't understand why we got along.  That he gave it two weeks before I realized the error of my ways.  That I am this professional, successful adult and he's just a slacker, and wtf am I doing talking to him.

And you know what?  I protested at first, I told him to stop saying things like that.  But by the time I left last night he'd convinced me.  Not only was I sure that he was a player in spite of his assertions to the contrary, and was I sure that he is a big fan of the game playing, but he'd also convinced me that he was right about the other stuff.  He is a big child.  He can't be bothered to pick up his apartment even a little before a date comes over.  He uses his walls like a diary. 

I left and he walked me to my car, which was nice.  He asked, "Should I call you before you go out of town Thursday?"  At this point I was still somehow not decided on being done with him, so I told him, "Why wouldn't we talk before that?"  He shrugged and said, "Will we?  Okay.  But probably not tomorrow."  Huh?  Games people play, I guess.

I was halfway home when I got a text from him.  "You left your little jacket here, I'm sure so you have an excuse to come back.  ;-)"

I was pissed.  I love my little short-sleeved Nike hoodie.  I responded, "Not on purpose.  Damn, I really like that hoodie."

Him:  "I'll just keep it.  It smells nice.  :-)"

Me, feeling annoyed, knowing I will probably never see this kid again:  "They still sell it, I'll just get another one.  Stupid to bring it, anyway."

Two (sort of) dates, some good kissing, some awesome flirting, some unexpected chemistry....but all I get out of it is being down a hoodie and up two super classy hickies on my neck.  Where's my cover-up???

smile like you mean it

Today I'm all fake smiles.  I don't know why.  I was going to take a selfie to send to Artboy, as we often exchange such things.  I tried, but the smile in the picture was so fake.  I feel ugly right now.  I can't work around it.  I regret the dress I wore today even though I got compliments on it.  I feel like my hair is a mess even though I got compliments on it as well.  And my skin?  Well, my skin is a legitimate disaster.  I am so crazy broken out right now.  It makes me so frustrated, and so I am chugging water, and tonight I'm going to switch out my stupid pillowcases again, and I've been religious about using my facial cleanser and treatments the last several days.  As soon as I conquer one or two, two more pop up and it's pissing me off.  I feel fiercely unattractive, and knowing that I have a supposed date on Saturday makes it worse.  I do NOT want to show up like this.  I'm working hard to try to improve the situation before that.

Last night I went home and fell asleep on the couch until almost 10pm.  I've been doing this too often lately.  I think it's all a vicious cycle.  I've been working out less, eating worse, going to sleep too late.  Ultimately I'm just not taking good care of myself, and my body is showing it both in appearance and behavior.  I have to do better.  I am old enough to know better. 

I need to drink a ton of water. I need to stop eating so much damn sugar, eat more lean meats and proteins and veggies.  I need to get better sleep.  Keep with my gym routine.  I just need to do better.  I feel better when I do better, I need to keep reminding myself.

I think the heat is also not helping this week.  My commute home is just gross.  Hot trains, hot bus stops, being soaked in sweat by the time I get home.  Not cool.  It's draining, too.  Last night I was supposed to cook myself dinner, do laundry, go to the gym.  Instead I slept.  Now all of those plans have been bumped to tonight instead and I have no choice but to just buckle down and do them.  No more stupid evening long naps.  If I fueled my body with actual food instead of carbs and sugar, I wouldn't be so tired!  Argh, I'm frustrated with myself.

This is a ranty post and I didn't really mean it to be.

Sidenote:  Tattooed Guy disappeared, essentially stomping away with his toys ages ago.  He has a chip on his shoulder about people judging him based on his appearance, and no ability to at least admit that he's made it challenging at best with all of the 50 thousand ways he's altered his body and appearance.  He was a big old victim, and it was a huge turn off.

strawberry afternoons

I entitled this post the way I did because I have a really delightful batch of strawberries waiting to become my afternoon snack, and I couldn't think of anything else.  That's sufficient, right?

I am madly obsessed with the group Ms Mr lately.  They feel very Florence + the Machine and Lana del Rey to me, and I like it.  The songs "Fantasy" and "Think of Me" are getting a lot of play on my ipod lately. I also quite randomly discovered this group called Mackintosh Braun via the wonders of Grey's Anatomy season 7 or 8, whichever one I'm currently catching up on via Hulu Plus.  One song was super catchy, so I checked out the album and kind of loved it.  "Could it Be" & "Familiar" are my current, preliminary favorites, but there are others I really like on there, too.

I had a date last Wednesday that went well enough to merit a second date, but the second date killed it.  The little bit of attraction I felt Wednesday totally disappeared by Saturday, and conversation was more challenging, and it felt off.  He didn't get the same vibe apparently, as he texted me yesterday about getting together for dinner this week, and I had to send him THE MESSAGE.  You know, the one where I delicately untangle myself from the situation without too much drama.  Hope I handled it okay, as there's just never a good way to say that.

The friend of a friend I went out with a couple of weeks ago also resurfaced this morning.  He's been in El Salvador with his family for 10 days and returns tomorrow night, so he touched base to ask me out for dinner Friday or Saturday.  Sigh.  That one's awkward.  He's a super nice guy.  I really like him.  But he's 42.  He has grown kids basically (14 & 18).  I don't think he's looking for more.  I'm not sure I want kids, but I don't want the option ruled out.  Beyond that, he smokes, which is a total dealbreaker for me, and he parties way more than I do.  I can't keep up, I don't want to have to try, and I guess ultimately I want an adult who doesn't need to be go go going 24/7.  So now I'm going to have to gently extricate myself from that, which I hope will be easy enough because he's an easygoing, happy guy and we have a lot of mutual friends.

To finish the dating subject for this post, I am talking to one more person currently, have been for a few days.  He's another artist type.  I know, I know!  But he claims he's not a tortured artist type, and he's really cute in pics, and we've been exchanging pics via text every day.  Just random, fun things and I like it.  He's flirty and fun and well spoken and interesting, and currently the plan is to meet up Saturday.  That seems fairly far away right now, but hopefully it will stick.  He wanted to meet Thursday, but I have my trainer that night, so Saturday it is.

Work has been hectic lately, including a last minute, ridiculously poorly planned thing that happened this weekend that required me to work from home for awhile on Sunday.  It's still unfolding, but I'm currently in a holding pattern waiting for my next piece of the puzzle to be sent my way. But I did get lots of thanks for handling the initial crunch on Sunday, which was nice.

Had a regular old physical yesterday morning for the first time in a couple of years.  Got bloodwork done and should get results on Thursday.  Will be interested to see my cholesterol readings and all that jazz now that I'm old.  :-)

There's some family health stuff going on right now back in Omaha, but I don't feel like getting into the details.  Needless to say it's causing some stress and anxiety amongst the family, but really all we can do is just wait and see where things go next.  It's just easier right now to focus on dating nonsense and work nonsense and catchy music.  I am seriously overtired, though, as I keep staying up too late.  Maybe tonight I will make it my goal to try to crash early.  I need to do a load of laundry, and I need to go to the gym, and I want to make dinner, but that's it.  Reasonable bedtime is doable if I get home, throw laundry in while I'm making dinner and hit the gym around 8-9.  We shall see.

I got a bunch of delicious vegetables at the grocery store this weekend, so tonight I think I may be having some of those with whatever main entree I decide upon.  Should be tasty.  :-)

That's all I know for now, so I'm going to go have some strawberries.  Strawberry afternoon, indeed.

September 2nd

So I've decided on something with regards to this whole online dating business.  I've been doing it for too long.  I recognize too many of the faces.  I've gone out on too many dates.  I am becoming a long-timer on some of these various sites, and even that is not cool. 

Subsequently, as of September 2nd I'm going to delete my accounts.  Labor Day.  I'm not saying I will never do online dating again.  I'm just saying that from the period of September 2nd until at the very least January 1, 2014, I will not participate in it anymore.  I will pull myself away from the mixed bag that is this universe.  It makes me roll my eyes and laugh out loud, but also just makes me feel really sad sometimes.  It offers shallow validation and attention when I'm feeling lonely, but it's all superficial.  It's not making my world any better.

I'm going to let the rest of the summer pass as it's going now, and I'll go out on dates if I feel like it, and I won't if I don't.  I won't change anything yet.  But when Labor Day weekend rolls around, no matter whether I've found any measure of dating success or not, I'm closing up shop for awhile.  No deactivating, no profile hiding.  Deletion all the way.

So there we have it.  I have 54 more days of online dating for lightning to strike.  Come on, world.  Bring it!

11 inches of boring

I fear that my time in the online dating world is nearing its expiration date.  I'm immersing myself in it this summer with the idea that it's the season for new experiences, new people and possibilities. But I'm also learning that with such great exposure comes some accompanying perils.

I recognize a lot of the people on the sites.  They probably recognize me.  This makes me sad.

Old ghosts frequently come back to haunt me.  People who blew me off originally.  People I've turned down or opted out of or avoided.  People I've blocked.  People I dated two or three times, but it didn't work out.  They come back.

I don't go back.  Once the door closes, it closes for good when it comes to online dating people that I barely knew.  I'm not going back for seconds.  And someone who basically told me no?  I'd never try that again!  But these guys are bold.  They do come back.

A couple of days ago I got a message from a guy I went out with once a couple months ago.  He was boring and told me personal trainers were a waste of time, and people should be able to get in shape on their own.  He was also a short little thing. 

Later he texts me, and I had to ask who it was because I have a habit of deleting contacts I'm mentally done with.  He told me who he was, and I had to tell him I didn't think we were a good match....because apparently that wasn't obvious when I never talked to him again after meeting him?  Sigh.

Then yesterday some guy messaged me, and his profile picture was some random picture of a robot.  I read his message and immediately got a creepy, familiar vibe.  I had this weird inclination that he was a reincarnation of a guy I'd previously talked to who created a secondary profile after I'd turned him down the first time, and who seriously creeped me out.  Turns out I was right.  I had to block the THIRD profile because this effing creeper keeps popping back up.

Meanwhile, some new guy started messaging me the other night.  I made the apparently poor choice of asking when his last relationship was, and he told me, and said it ended when they took things into the bedroom.  I didn't want details, so I just said it sounded like a mismatch.  He then declared that she just couldn't handle his size, and went on to tell me that 11 inches is just a lot for any woman to handle...but the length wasn't the issue for her, it was the girth.

SERIOUSLY?  WTF, mate.  First of all, throw me in the pool who can't handle that shit, because it sounds horrifying.  Second, you couldn't turn me off more than by repeatedly mentioning the specific length of your junk. 

OH WAIT.

You can.  Offer to send me a picture of it to help me get my mind around it.  I declined.  Dick pics are never cute, sir.  Those things are for function, not to be pretty.

Sigh.

I am talking to a couple possibly interesting people, but come on.  This is ridiculous.

I am getting really, really, really, REALLY tired of online dating, and random dates that go nowhere, and perverted, presumptuous men.  If you smoke, I don't want you.  If you want to send me a dick pic before we meet (or really, ever), I don't want you.  If you want me to guarantee I'll take off some item of clothing for you on a second date, I don't want you.  If you're boring, I don't want you.  If you are a liar, I don't want you. WHO IS LEFT?

Happy tuesday.  :-D

the pretending game

"Screw the ephemeral, screw progress. I will never let go of this."
-Necessary Madness by Jenn Crowell

I still talk to Artboy.  Usually several times a week via IM and text.  The last time I saw him was 2-3 weeks ago, so I was surprised when he suggested we go out for drinks and dinner last night.  He came over to my apartment.  Escorted me out to his car with an umbrella since it was raining.  We huddled beneath the tiny cover it provided and it was nice.

In the restaurant we sat at the bar.  Our bodies were angled in towards each other.  We ate.  We had drinks. We flirted and joked and it felt so...normal.  And for a moment I remembered what it was like to have a person.  To have a boyfriend.  In that restaurant, we looked like a couple.  A happy couple.  A couple comfortable with each other, joking and laughing and touching and smiling and sharing.  When we left I was just the tiniest bit tipsy, and everything felt happy and easy. 

It wasn't raining anymore.  And we drove back to my place, and then we stayed in the car longer because a song was on he wanted me to hear.  And he bobbed around to it like a crazy person, and air drummed through the drum solo, calling out "hi-hat!" at the right spot.  And when it was over we walked inside, with his hands on my waist from behind me, both of us laughing and talking.

My cats know him.  When he comes over he just comes in and I like that.  I love the familiarity.  The way that he calls me out when I'm being bitchy.  Just like that.  How if I say I'm not feeling well, he always asks if it's a migraine because he knows that's my weak spot.  How I can be having a blah day, feeling blah, like I look awful, and when I see him I feel like I am beautiful, anyway. 

I know it's all pretend.  I know it's not real.  But it's nice to pretend.  It feels good to get a glimpse into how it used to be when I had a person, and to how it could be again.  It's like baby steps back into that frame of mind. 

I know all the concerns: that by letting him stay in my life, even in this limited capacity, I'm holding myself back.  That I'm doing myself a disservice by not shutting him out, or by ever comparing anyone new to him. 

Because for all of his faults, of which there are many, this man holds a spot in my heart.  I don't know why.  I don't think it's holding me back really, not like it used to.  I'm still trying out in the dating world.  The things that have fallen apart would have fallen apart regardless of Artboy's continuing, fluctuating presence in my life.  I guess I just feel like he fills a void in my world right now, and I crave the comfort and familiarity he offers.  He's not consistent.  He's not reliable.  Not in any practical sense.  But he's always there, and I like him there for now.

Last night in its entirety proved to be one of those moments I wanted to bottle up.  I was happy, and it felt right and easy and like it was supposed to be that way.  I loved going out into the world and looking like part of a pair again, huddled heads at a bar, legs knocking together beneath the chairs, shared umbrellas and jokes.  Stealing a kiss at the bar, just a little one, and knowing I could.  No overthinking.  No hyperanalysis.  No fear of reproach or repercussions.  Just the moments. 

I know he'll fuck it up.  I know he'll annoy me, or I won't talk to him for a 3-4 day period out of nowhere.  Maybe I'll go from seeing him twice this month to not at all for two or three.  I have no idea.  But screw it.  Last night I had fun, and I laughed so much, and I smiled so much, and I felt a part of something again.  And it felt good.  Caution and care be damned.

T no more

As an update, I also wrapped things up with T last night.  He was actually very understanding and admitted that right now his head just isn't in the dating game.  He was all, "Let's just focus on being friends for now", and I agreed because it was friendly and can't hurt. 

I felt a little sad about it once the whole other thing imploded, but I reminded myself that having someone who is less than what I want or deserve is no good, and I'm better off on my own until I find the right person.

I did end up with my third plan of the week for tonight.  Originally it was T with the pub trivia, then for one brief moment in time it was date #2 with new guy, and now it's a date with a friend of a friend.  We've met a few times, and he's the one who hosted the party I went to this weekend.  He asked me out on Sunday, and though I don't think we're really so compatible, I agreed to it.  I feel like he will keep asking otherwise, and this way we can hang out solo and he can probably see that we're not compatible, and then that will be taken care of.  ;-)  Then we can just go back to hanging out at group things!

Beyond that, tomorrow I'm going to a Nats game in the late morning, and right now I think I'm going to just go low key for the rest of the holiday.  I guarantee I'm going to feel a little sad about it tomorrow when I see neighbors out grilling with friends, or hear the fireworks later on, but I just don't feel like going to a big party BBQ with mostly people I don't know or going into DC because that's a mess.  Besides that, I've hardly been home lately and it would be nice to just relax!

This weekend is looking all right, too.  Drink with another new guy on Friday (sigh, I know).  Probably bowling with some friends Saturday night, and trainer sunday.  That's all I've got so far!  I'm way behind on movies, so I'd like to say I may catch a solo movie, too, but we'll see. 

Back to work I go!

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

Dear New Guy,

Thanks for showing your true colors so quickly, all within a two hour text conversation that started with flirting and planning of a second date for tomorrow, and ended with you telling me we're not a good match.  That I'm too hesitant.  That you want someone who will just go for it. 

Translation:  Thanks for bailing because I wouldn't agree to a shirtless massage from you as a reward for winning miniature golf on our planned date tomorrow.

Douchebag.

turn around, bright eyes

I'm a thousand years old now.  Okay, maybe just 35, but same/same.  Occasionally I am reminded, inadvertently, that somehow I am still capable of being turned into a silly teenaged girl by a guy.

This post (aww hell, really most of this blog), makes it seem like I am just a boy crazy creature, always in search of the next new possibility.  Truth?  That might be a little true because come on, hope springs eternal.  But I have friends and family and the gym and my solo time and books and blogging and all kinds of things that I enjoy wholly on a daily basis. 

I'm rambling, so let's just get to the point here.

Let's start with T.  He's annoying me.  No joke.  We've had some minor form of communication every day since I last saw him on June 20th, usually just a couple of texts.  He added me on Facebook while I was in Florida, and I accepted even though I'm typically wary of FB friendships so early on. 

The problem?  I feel like this whole thing has sputtered in place.  He didn't suggest getting together again until Sunday or Monday, and asked me about going to a pub trivia thing.  We barely communicate.  When we do, he usually drops off mid conversation and acts like that's normal.  He forgets at least 75% of what I say.  He knew the Florida trip was for my birthday, he knew it was Monday...at one point.  He knew SUNDAY, but forgot by Monday.  REALLY?

He has not yet offered to come out my way.  Everything we've done has been on his side of town save for our first date, which was halfway. 

He's told me before, "I don't go to Maryland, so don't ever ask."

He seems to have no problem just being MIA or NOT REMEMBERING most of what I say, but then he just pops back up at his leisure to have the exact amount of conversation he wants before his attention span wanders and he goes off again.

Cut to last night.  I figure T is not really wowing me lately, so I'm keeping the door open to others for sure.  I started talking to a new guy on Friday evening, and we agreed to meet last night.  I went in with sort of blah expectations, and even when I saw him I thought he was cute in a dorky kind of way, and that it was going to be one of those "perfectly nice, perfectly fine, no spark" kind of dates.

We had dinner in Chinatown, and it went well enough, but nothing noteworthy really.  I did try some crab & avocado dip, which I wouldn't have otherwise.  ;-)  I don't like to look non-adventurous with food on dates!

Post dinner we walk outside and are heading back over to Metro.  As we are standing at the intersection, he mentions something about it being a Barnes Dance intersection.  Huh?  So he explains it to me, and I find myself kind of fascinated by the new information.  We get to the Metro stop and we just hang out there and talk for awhile.  Quite awhile.  And he uses big words that I'm unfamiliar with, and I love it, because usually people are asking ME what the words I'm using mean. 

He talks about his job, and he talks about Alaska, where he used to live.  We joke and flirt and I loosen up some, and I marvel at how much more attractive he is getting before my very eyes.  He's very touchy, but in a good way, once he can tell I'm interested.  I liked it, even though I swear I spent the last hour alternately blushing and giggling and acting like a total girl.  I couldn't help it.  He made me laugh, and he spoke so dynamically, and I was kind of entranced.

We finally head down the escalator to the metro, and he stands on the step below me, facing me.  He holds eye contact almost the entire way on both escalators.  Down on the platform, we hug.  He teases me that I already told him he can't kiss me, and I tell him he can.  So we exchanged three quick kisses on the platform, and I went to catch my train.  I think during the hug he said something about seeing me again, I said sure.

The train ride home I spent smiling like a moron.  Same for the bus ride.  I said screw the rules and texted him an hour or two later and said, "You, sir, threw me way off my game."  He wrote back about an hour later, "Ha!  And?"  I responded that he only hugged me goodbye to be polite (he'd told me before we met that he always hugs regardless just out of politeness).  He wrote back (at 4 am, mind you!) that he didn't kiss to be polite.  I texted him around 11am and said, "Fair enough." and then made some comment about how today was even more chaotic than yesterday, as we both had super busy days yesterday.

You know what I've gotten since?  Nothing. 

And I know it seems like I'm overreacting because he could just be busy, but I just have this sinking feeling that this insanely dynamic, hilarious, charming, cute, exciting guy, the one I finally feel something awesome and interesting and worthwhile with, is not going to like me back.

I've tried to not be that girl all day, the one side-eyeing her phone.  The one running back over the intereaction in our last hour...his hand on the small of my back, the long held eye contact on the escalator, the warm hug and quick kisses goodbye. 

But apparently I am that girl.

And that also makes me the girl who gets 2-3 texts from T in a row this afternoon and feels annoyed by them.  And the girl who doesn't want to go out with T tomorrow, who finds him boring and lackluster by comparison.  Who already feels sad about losing the possibility of something sparkling and exciting with the other. 

He's brilliantly smart.  He's funny and clever and quick-witted, and a surprisingly adept flirt.  He gave me crazy butterflies, he made me blush for over an hour, he made me excited in a way I haven't been in so long.

And as the day has worn on, I've just felt this progressively growing feeling of dread in my stomach, and it's weird because it was one date, a few hours of time, so why do I feel this sense of loss when I never had anything to begin with?

Sometimes dating stresses me out so much.  Last night was exhilirating, but this day after stuff, the not knowing, the waiting, the fear of it all, I forget how hard this part is.  I get so used to being the one deciding, the one who determines if things proceed or not, and I forget what it's like to be on the other side.  And I hate it.  It's hard.

It was one date.  I get that.  But it was full of sparkle and shine and wit and he was so dynamic and unlike anyone I'd gone out with before.  And now I'm trying hard to buck up, to quit being so overdramatic, to pull it all back into perspective.  If I misread him and his affection and flirting and suggestion of getting together again, then I misread him.  If he doesn't want me, I don't want him.  All those logical things.  So much logic.

Sometimes logic is overrated.