Achoo

Allergies, they are bringing me down!  I was so worn out yesterday after work that I came home and took a nap.  A good one, like a couple of hours.  I woke up with a sore throat, which was even more pronounced this morning.  I've sneezed many a time this morning and I am totally congested.  Right on, spring!

Because of all of this, I skipped the gym last night and will go tonight instead.  And I plan to have a fairly quiet weekend in general.  I am getting together with a girlfriend tomorrow evening for dinner and to see "Admission", but beyond that I may be pretty antisocial!  Next weekend is going to be chaotically social, so I figure I can take the break.

Talking to a bunch of lads on Match.com, but no one standing out just yet.  I'm tired of douchebags that obsessively point out how "passionate" they are a dozen times over the course of 3 days of chatting.  I GET IT.  YOU LIKE SEX.  Cheers for you!  I'm about to close the door on that guy.  Another one told me he's still trying to figure out what happened in his recently ended month long relationship.  No joke.  If you're still noodling over why the girl dropped you, I don't want you.  Message me when you've moved on, please! 

I need to put an internet sign on my profile stating what is becoming my damn life mantra about dating:

I don't want to be your rebound, or your backup, or your consolation prize.  I'm not going to be your second choice or your alternate.  MOVE ALONG!

Why is that so hard to grasp?

I'm super happy it's friday.  This week has been really busy at work, I'm exhausted from that and the allergies, and I just really need a weekend.  Going to try to take full advantage of it, plus it's supposed to be nice out tomorrow.  :-)

This is the world's most boring Bluemoon post.

Smug Marrieds

Once upon a time, I was a smug married.  I was probably the worst kind of smug married, as I'd never really been single as an adult at the time.  All I knew was built in companionship, being part of a pair and always having a date at the ready. 

It was so easy to hand out relationship advice then.  You know why?  Because it was hollow.  I was doling it out from a safe place wherein I was already loved.  From the comfort of a long term relationship.  It was simple to tell someone to drop the asshole guy without thinking about what that actually meant for my friend on an emotional level.  It was obvious to me that you will find love when you're not trying, and that working so hard to find a relationship was a wasted effort.  It was all so logical.

Then I got single.  It was a long and winding road, but here I am.  And now I am reminded again today of the phenomenon I often experience of the smug marrieds.  Now, for the record, not all married people are like this.  Clearly!  But it is also true that plenty of people who are just dating can also be smug marrieds in spite of their lack of marital vows.

I am so, so tired of being told all of the cliches that I passed out so easily when I was one of them.  Drop that jerk, you deserve better.  He doesn't appreciate you, you don't need that.  So you dated for awhile, it wasn't that serious, it's time to move on.  You're trying too hard to find someone to be with.  Once you stop looking, it will happen.  I know it.  It's true.  Trust me.

Screw that bullshit.  Seriously.  It's obnoxious and also?  Not necessarily true.

What I love most about this smug married phenomenon?  I knew most of these folks when they were single.  And I know how their current blissful pairings came about, and you know what?  95% of them did not just magically occur.  They didn't fall into their laps when they were just living their lives, checked out of the dating world.  They were the result of setups by friends.  Online dating.  Any number of socially contrived, concerted EFFORTS to find someone.

So why is it that now that these folks are coupled up, all of the ways THEY found someone aren't valid?  Why are we trying to rewrite these histories to pretend that finding something good and worthwhile doesn't take work sometimes?

I don't know about you, but I don't live in a rom-com.  I don't have meet cutes in the grocery store, or at the gym, or at Starbucks.  When a guy hits on me on the rare occasions I'm in a bar, they are not Prince Charming.  They are drunk douchebags who I don't want, not even a little, most often.  Regular adult life in a busy metropolitan area with crazy schedules and even a vague sense of value for personal time and well being does not afford one a plethora of opportunities to meet potential mates, especially if you don't want to date people you work with.  I don't. 

It truly seems anymore thatmany of the good ones are married, engaged, or dating, or also looking for a good guy, or my personal favorite....broken.  Not functionally broken, but legit broken.  Red flag city, been there, done that, have a few years worth of souvenirs I don't like to look at anymore.  Don't want to go back.

One day I want to be married again.  Hell if I know if it will happen again, as I can't even find someone I want to date for any measure of time.  But if I ever do re-marry, I hope like hell I manage to be one of the good marrieds.  The ones who remember that dating is hard.  That finding love and companionship and butterflies can require some work, and that the chances of it just falling in your lap are pretty slim. 

I want to remember that sitting by passively while waiting for life to happen is not a good thing to suggest to anyone, and that on any given day, I would prefer to go out, make my own opportunities and know that I tried.  I may fail.  I may get hurt or disappointed or occasionally jaded.  But at least I'm trying.  And if I remarry or even just pair up with someone again someday, I hope I remember all of these things.  If I forget, I will always have this blog to remind me.  ;-)

Irrational?

Is it wrong to not want to date someone because they enjoy hunting and I find hunting disgusting?

Because it resonates

True.

Slow my roll

I don't actually have time to slow my roll.  It's true!  Lately I have been so stupidly busy, especially at work.  It's really cramping my blog writing time.  Sigh.

Quick like updates for you all:

So I totally ran that 5k on Sunday.  I signed up for it a couple months back at my trainer's behest, and then I spent the time since wondering why.  I was straight up panicking about mortifying myself in the course of this event, making my trainer hang his head in shame and consider disowning me as a client.  Then I sprained/broke/injured a toe on the Wednesday prior.  I turned a corner in my apartment too close and slammed my foot into said corner wall, and I cried.  It hurt like a mofo! 

I skipped the gym that night in favor of buddy wrapping my injury and also because putting on a running shoe made me cry again.  It was pretty bruised by the next morning, and is still a bit bruised.  But thanks to some wrapping, some ibuprofen, some occasional icing and resting it a bit before Sunday, I was fine.

So I ran that 5k.  I was not fast.  I was not graceful.  But I ran it all except for a minute or two break after each mile marker.  I ran with a girl I knew from my boot camp classes, and I finished, and I did much better than I expected.  My trainer was super excited at how well I did, and last night when I saw him for my regular session he was so excited for me.  :-)  Check that one off the list of things I never thought I'd do!

Work.  Insanity.  I am crazy busy and in the midst of half a dozen projects, and they are all bottle necked at ONE PERSON here and he is driving me up a wall.  I could vent further, but I'm going to refrain and just say that I'm trying to be patient while things get sorted out, and hoping that they do so in a timely fashion.  In the meantime, I have a lot hanging over my head at work and I'm grateful to go home every evening and stop thinking about all of it!

Dating.  I deleted OkCupid.  It was super lame.  I have now signed up for Match.com, which I did many moons ago.  MAYBE if people are paying for a service they are more invested? Maybe??  We'll see.  I just opened the account yesterday, so I'm still feeling pretty overwhelmed with all of the attention, and I'll need time to sort through the mess and see if any treasures are lurking!

Tomorrow at work my building is hosting another one of it's cool events where a bunch of random animals will be here in our lobby, so I'm excited for that distraction.  My brother's wedding is a week from Saturday, and I will be flying home for all of the festivities a week from Thursday.  I have to get my dress altered and buy a wedding gift and all sorts of nonsense in preparation for that, so those things are on my list of stuff to do!

Tonight?  Tonight there shall be a gym trip, and there shall be laundry.  And that's it.  I can't wait.  :-)

Girly

Lately I've been really indulging my girly side.  I've always been obsessed with lip products, and I love painting my nails.  Growing up, though, I didn't do much more than that.  I didn't carry a purse until college, and I didn't wear any makeup except the lip products until later than that. 

Eventually I got more into makeup, but it was still fairly simplistic, and I've gradually found myself more interested in such things.  In recent months, though, I've definitely had more fun with it, though.  I enjoy playing around with makeup more than I used to, although I still refuse to do anything that takes more than 5-10 minutes to complete.  :-)  I love trying out new hair products, new nail polishes and related items. 

Friday night I went to a nail polish swap at a girlfriend's house.  We all brought the colors we were tired of, or that didn't turn out the way we wanted, as well as some sort of snack or drink to contribute.  The evening was full of nail polish and makeup talk, wine, cheese, crackers, cookies and other assorted delights.  It was spectacularly fun for such a silly little thing, and I met some new girls, saw some others I'd met before, and ultimately just had a great time.  I came home with more polishes than I'd brought!

A couple of weeks ago I ordered a Bare Minerals starter kit from Ulta.com, and through the magic of Bare Minerals and Ulta free samples, I ended up with a box full of products to try out.  Hair, makeup, perfume, brushes, you name it.  I felt like a little kid on Christmas morning!

In recent weeks I've bought several pieces of bright, fun jewelry for my brother's upcoming wedding.  I bought shoes for the same wedding, and a dress.  This weekend I put it all together and tried everything on and took pictures to send my mom.  Could I be any girlier?

Friday I stopped at Origins at Pentagon City mall.  As I'd mentioned, I've been breaking out like crazy lately, so I picked up a couple of products I'd read good things about.  This weekend I tried a couple of masks out and they were very helpful and made my skin so soft and nice. 

I love doing all of this girly stuff.  I like having pretty nails and hair that smells good and is soft, and pops of color in my jewelry and cute shoes.  I like playing dress up, playing with makeup, experimenting with my hair and clothes.  I love it all.  It's nice to feel pretty and to do indulgent things and to have my hair done some days JUST BECAUSE.  I felt attractive and cute for the first time in weeks this weekend, and that is something invaluable.

Spring is for lovers. Blech.

Spring is just around the corner, although you couldn't guess it from the crappy weather we're having here these days.  It was snowing this morning.  Sigh.

Anyway, spring officially starts this week, and I have to say that while I love typical spring weather, and I love a good spring thunderstorm, I kind of hate spring for another reason.

Spring is apparently a time when more than just flowers bloom.  I'm talking about relationships.  I swear it seems like every year several people I know pair up as spring alights.  Not only that, I start to see happy little couples everywhere, and it makes my eyes roll back so hard because I am kind of cynical and jaded and lonely.

I never really knew what it was like to be so seriouisly single before.  I didn't date until I was 19 really, and then I just jumped into a serious relationship.  I didn't have those single times in between to really appreciate what I had going as part of a couple. 

All of those relationships ended with good reason, and I'm not missing the people.  I'm missing the constructs of the relationship.  The ease.  The automatic companion.  The built in plans.  Those moments when it's you + him against the world.  I've been fighting solo for two years now, and this battlefield is getting lonely.

The logical, real part of me is happy for (most) people I know who have paired up.  I want people to find happiness and people they like to be around who make them feel good.  I *want* to be happy for Artboy, but damn it...I'm not.  I said it.  I'm evil.  I'm annoyed that someone else is making him happy (even though he told me last week:  "You'll be happy to know I'm still miserable.  Dating sucks.").  Facebook *is* the devil, and I think I've figured out the girl he's dating.  I KNOW.  SUE ME.

Snarky Bluemoon crept out and I thought evil things like...I'm cuter than she is.  She's plain and blah looking.  And yet she looks like a functional adult.  How is she dating Artboy?  He's so weird and strange, and yet they're dating?  What version of himself is he showing her? 

Then I retracted my claws with great reluctance, and reminded myself that illogically tearing down a stranger who knows nothing of my existence doesn't change the fact that Artboy is not mine, was never mine, and will never be mine.  Time to rip the bandaid off of the idea of him dating and just move the hell on. 

It's the same thing I've done with anyone my exes have dated...the comparisons.  The snark.  It's instinct, but it is wrong and it doesn't change my situation.  I could be cuter/smarter/more fun/more random/more awesome, but the bottom line is this:

I AM NOT WHAT THEY WANTED.  And thusly THEY ARE NOT WHO I WANT.

Dating sucks.  I have a date tonight with someone I went out with twice right after Artboy and I stopped dating in June 2011.  He resurfaced and asked me out and I thought...what the hell.  Can't hurt.  He was a very nice guy, but I was very distracted at the time. 

So I have this date, but I'll be honest...I'm not excited.  I'm not dreading it, I'm just kind of numb to it.  It's really hard for me lately not to feel like I'm going to end up single forever because the people I want don't want me and the people who want me I don't want. 

I love spring.  I love things blooming and flowering (allergies aside!), I love thunderstorms and cherry blossoms and seeing green outside again.  I love light jackets and sunny afternoons and evenings I can enjoy when I get home from work.  But I also resent spring sometimes.  I resent the people it brings together because I am not one of them, again.  Now that I know how hard dating is, I can finally appreciate how momentous it really is when someone emerges from the cesspool of dating with someone they actually like.  It's hard.  It requires perseverance.  It will knock you down a hundred times before it lifts you up again.

Spring is coming. 

You are not my Adam

So I love the HBO show "Girls".  I know it is a very polarizing show, and people either love it or hate it.  I find it awesome and obnoxious and maddening and amazing.  Sometimes I really hate the characters, and very often I cringe at the things they do and say and feel.  But that's also why I love it.  In real life, people do and say and feel cringe-worthy things, and in some boiled down way, Girls captures that....the awkwardness of life.  The awkwardness of friendships and relationships and sex and jobs and figuring out who you are.  Sure, the main characters are twenty-somethings, but I identify with some of these things as a thirty-something, too. 

There is a character on the show named Adam, and he is Hannah's off and on love interest.  Hannah is the main character, played by Lena Dunham.  She is spectacular and talented and crazy and wonderful, both in character and in real life, I think.  Anyway, Adam.  He's an oddity.  He's off the wall and crazy and charming and disturbing and he has some very specific sexual proclivities that he can't seem to escape on the show.  He likes dirty talk, he likes things rough, he likes to dominate.  Some people watch Adam and think "OMG, what a scary, screwed up guy!"  Other people watch it and think, "Holy shit, that's hot."  To each their own.  I fall somewhere in the middle of that continuum.

When I started watching the show in the first season, I realized that the character of Adam resonated with me because he reminded me of Artboy.  Artboy is a real life version of Adam, though not as extreme in any of the capacities demonstrated on the show.  But he is an odd sort, with an unusual personality, and people either love him and get him or hate him and don't.  Thusly, he's Adam-like.

However, in spite of the similarities, I've also realized the difference between the character of Adam and the real life person of Artboy.  Deep down, Adam wanted to love Hannah.  He tried.  But she was just as screwed up as him and they imploded together.  Artboy?  Not so much.

Artboy is dating someone. 

I found out late last week from him.  He had contacted me and I didn't do what the general universe would have wanted me to do, a la shut him down.  I talked to him.  And it came out that he is dating someone.  I won't lie, it felt like I got kicked in the stomach.  I'd had a feeling something was going on, as he'd been so MIA for a few weeks.  I had a suspicion, and it was right. 

There are many weird technicalities to it (Ex. I asked if they were dating, he said no, she's been very clear that we're not dating.  So you're just sleeping with her?  No, it's more like dating.  OKAY.), but bottom line is that he likes this person, and it's very obvious that she's the one driving this car.  He's the me in this dynamic. He's the one who cares more.

I don't know why I never seriously thought about how I would feel if this happened.  I guess I just got complacent, and since I knew he wasn't online dating anymore, I figured that his difficult and divisive personality may keep him single for awhile.  Besides that, he really just didn't seem to give a damn about dating.  And yet now he is.  He is dating one person, labeling aside.  Weird. 

In the season finale of Girls last night, Adam, who has been estranged from Hannah for awhile, reappears in her life in a time of need.  He swoops in when she needs help, wants help, but is afraid of help.  He comes through for her, in spite of all of his faults and eccentricities and failings.  And she lets him, in spite of her wariness and fear. 

Artboy is not my Adam.  He is not my anything anymore.  During our conversation wherein he disclosed the dating, I asked why he was contacting me then.  "Because you're my friend.  I like talking to you."

Right.  I really wish I believed him when he said that.  I really, really do.  For a long time that was what I wanted from him.  Validation of our friendship.  I've considered him a friend since we stopped dating, but I never really felt like it was reciprocated.  I felt like I was a convenience, an easy outlet, a constant to take for granted.  And now that he's dating someone else suddenly we're friends?

I want to buy it, but I don't.  Not at this point, anyway.  Maybe he will prove me wrong.  He is reaching out to me a lot more now since we had that convo.  Maybe he'd backed off because he didn't know how to bring it up, didn't know how I would react, and now that I didn't explode/have a breakdown/freak out on him, he's back.  I don't know.

I know that no one in my life likes his presence in my world.  I know that everyone thinks he's the devil and a manipulator and holding me back and everything else.  I don't know what he is.  But I do know that he is not my Adam.  I thought he was.  I hoped he might be, but he's not.  I'm better off watching the fictional Adam in Hannah's fictional world, and knowing that I do not have that kind of person in my world.  Reality check:  complete.

No Artboy lectures here please. I hesitated even blogging about this, but ultimately it is my blog, and I needed to put this out there. I am just doing my "Girls" thing....saying, doing and feeling sometimes cringe-worthy things.  It happens.  And I'm okay with it all.  I hope you'll keep on "watching", anyway.  :-)

Evil Face

I seriously hate my skin right now.  95% of my face is totally clear and soft and lovely.  Then there is that other 5%.  Maybe even less than that, but it's all I can see.  As I mentioned yesterday, I am pretty certain that my sugar bingeing in the last 2-3 weeks has resulted in a pretty detestable breakout on my chin.  One one side.  WHAT.THE.EFF? 

I've had it suggested that it's from resting my chin against my hand, but damn...I'm not doing anything different than I've always done.  I changed my pillowcases.  I added the evil benzoyl peroxide back into my regime in the mornings because the salicyclic acid wasn't cutting it.  If my new towels get bleached because of that stuff...argh.  I've been diligently washing my face after working out, as I did wonder if that might have been a cause, too. 

Whatever, the bottom line is that I hate looking in the mirror lately.  My skin and thusly my face is just a source of constant frustration, and I do not feel attractive.  Add to this the other effects of my overindulgence, and it's been a rough few weeks confidence wise.

Yes, I'm back onto the eating better train as of yesterday, and I did very well.  Saw my trainer, had a great workout.  Tonight is boot camp, and I'm doing well on the eating again.  Small things that will turn back into habit again soon, I'm sure.  But in the meantime, I'm still feeling very unattractive right now.

It's annoying, especially after I'd had so many weeks of feeling progressively more and more awesome and attractive.  I feel like the entire last month has just been one big series of setbacks, and I'm definitely being tested!  I know my skin isn't going to clear up with one day of eating better, and I know part of it is hormonal, and sometimes skin just breaks out.  But damn....I would really love to look in the mirror again one day soon and be happy with my reflection, instead of being distracted by the monstrosity of the outbreak on my chin.  It's all I can see!

I'm supposed to be doing all of these fun social things in the coming days, and my enthusiasm is not as high as it would be otherwise.  I'm feeling self-conscious in advance, and pissed off that I have to meet new people looking like this.  I was supposed to meet some POF guy tomorrow night, but I swear I may reschedule it for next week just so that I have a slightly better chance that my skin will be in SLIGHTLY better shape.  It's not even for the guy, it's for me.  For my self-confidence and self-assurance, which has been in a world of hurt lately. 

Kick me when I'm down, why don't you, lousy skin!

A morning laugh after a morning grumble

Because I just posted a very grumbly post about online dating, I wanted to post a funny.  My fellow dating warrior, Lis from Lisikke posted this yesterday and I just saw it this morning.  SO TRUE!  You have to laugh or sometimes this life will make you want to cry.  :-p

A difference of opinion

Online dating is annoying.  It can be entertaining, it can be fun, but it can be really, really annoying. 

I don't initiate conversation very often on online dating sites, but every now and again I will send someone a first message.  Personally, if they're not interested, I'd prefer they just ignore me and carry on.  I don't want some awkward reply about why they aren't interested, or even a message just saying they're not interested.  It's not that serious.  Just ignore me, I'll take the hint and we're good.

Turns out that while some people agree with this, others vehemently disagree.  Some men (ahem, many men) on these sites want me to respond to every message I get to tell them I'm not interested.  I find that annoying.  First of all, I get a lot of messages.  Call me a bitch, but I don't want to take the time to respond to each and every one of them, in particular the really asinine ones.  Second, since when did online dating become a contract where I owe everyone something?  If I'm not interested, I'm not interested.  Let's not talk about why, let's not make me explicitly tell you.  My non-response tells you, doesn't it?

Some guy sent me some cheesy message a couple weeks back.  I read it, was bored, deleted it.  This morning I get another message from him. The guilt technique.  "So you didn't reply to my message, I get it.  I was really hoping to get to no (yup, that's how he spelled it) you, but it's your choice.  I guess keep picking the wrong guys and good luck with that."

I'm in no mood to have some strange, bitter little man from the online dating universe try to judge/shame/guilt me today.  I replied.  I told him that I prefer to be ignored if someone doesn't think I'm a match, so this is how I handle things in the reverse.  I pointed out that it's a lose-lose situation, that I'm going to offend someone no matter what because some people like to be told no, others just want to be ignored.  I then told him that his assumption that I just want to pick the wrong guys was uncalled for, and that when it's coming from someone who I've turned down, comes off like sour grapes. TAKE CARE, ASSHOLE.

He wrote back, "At least I got a response, LOL.  Take care of yourself."

I've gotten less tolerant of some of the BS that rolls through my inbox lately on this front.  I've started to reply to the morons, the sulkers, the pompous asses, the ones handing out cheesy lines like it's their job. Then I block them if they bother me.  Fair's fair.

So you see, online dating?  Annoying.  Really wish there was a better option.  But please do not tell me I should just meet people in real life.  People who say that a) already have a boyfriend/husband/significant other b) have been out of the dating world so long they've forgotten how brutal it is and c) are naive if they think meeting people in the real world is either easy or better.  There are just as many assholes and broken toys to be found at the gym or the grocery store or a coffee shop!

Also?  Since I'm on a venting roll....I have gotten so many messages with the saddest, most embarrassing misspellings in them lately.  What about my profile beckons to the uneducated masses???  Oy.  I should add a note to my profile that I'm the type who finds misspellings and typos on menus and business signs and that if you can't spell basic, elementary-level words, we're going to have a PROBLEM.

That is all.

An Epiphany Full of Obvious

For years I've heard that a sugary diet can contribute to all kinds of ills in your physical well being.  For years, I willfully ignored that.
For years, I didn't even try to know any different.

As everyone who reads this blog knows, I finally started cutting back on sugar for awhile, and I saw a difference.  However, I then fell way off the sugar wagon, and I threw myself back into the over-indulgence on all things sweet and tasty.  Only then did I fully realize the impact that kind of diet has on me.

Ever since things unraveled with E (and no, it wasn't all about him, though I was hurt by it.  It was also a lot of work stress), I have been on a little spiral back into bad habits.  I have re-gained some weight I'd lost.  I've felt lackadaisical, sluggish.  My workouts haven't felt as great.  I've slacked on drinking enough water, I've eaten almost no veggies.  You know what I've gotten for that indulgence?

The complexion of a 15 year old, tight pants and migraines.  So many migraines. 

So for me?  A diet laden with sugar and sweets, instead of nicely trimmed with it as a treat, equals bad skin, unhappiness in the mirror and how my pants fit, and so much pain in my head. 

Maybe I needed to have this setback to really see how much the sugary diet affects me.  Like I said, I never really knew the extent before because it was just how things always were.  Maybe it took being off such a sugar high for a bit to truly understand how that level of sugar affects me when I do give in.

I'm back to tracking my eating today.  I don't like it, but I need the accountability while I re-calibrate.  I weighed myself this morning, and I'm the only one that's going to be seeing the scale until I get back on track.  I could have cried about it.  I could have raged about it.  But instead I decided to take action, and I patted myself on the back for at least maintaining the working out.  If I'd fallen down on the job on that, too, the damage would have been way worse.

I am totally confident I can get back on track in the next couple of weeks, and that I can be back to where I was in time for my brother's wedding on April 6th.  I dutifully planned out my meals for today and brought everything I needed into work for breakfast, snack and lunch.  I have my dinner planned out, and I have a session with my trainer again tonight.  All of my muscles are still sore from my Friday and Sunday workouts, and I'm glad.  I'm glad to feel the soreness because it reminds me of the things I've stayed on track with, and encourages me to know that I can get everything else back in order, too.

Boot camp starts this week.  This means I'll be seeing my trainer 2-4 times a week (3-4 in ideal weather situations, as boot camp is outside) through June 1.  This is a good thing.  I hate boot camp, but I need it.  It pushes me in ways that my regular training sessions don't, and I need that right now.  I need that kick in the ass to go with the kick in the ass I'm giving myself.

I'm back to focusing on drinking a ton of water.  Watching my sodium intake, and cutting way, way back on the sugar again.  I know that if I do these things, my skin will clear up sooner than later, and my pants will loosen back up (these are the smaller size pants at least, I didn't regain that much, LOL), and my migraines will mellow back out. 

I have to remind myself of how much the exercise and eating better has already benefitted me, what with the finally all clear pap test and everything.  I need to remind myself of all the far reaching benefits these small choices can have, and continue to put a positive focus on getting back in line with how I want to live my life, and bypassing all the negativity and self-doubt and frustration I may have previously taken out on myself.  I made a mistake, I fell off the wagon for a bit, but I'm back on board. 

It's probably going to be a difficult week, but I've done it before and I'll do it again.  Lean meats, lots of fruits, VEGGIES, a ton of water, protein....I know the drill.  I've got this.  :-)

SMH

Shaking my head here.  Today I got a message on PoF from a guy I went on a date with nearly 2 years ago.  He was a smoker who had claimed not to be, he made a homophobic comment during our meal, and he drove a Hummer.  Three strikes and you're out, sir.

I kindly reminded him that we'd previously been out, and he said, "What?  When? Are you sure?  LOL."  I told him the general time frame and location and he replies, "Oh yeah.  If I remember right you weren't into me." 

You remembered the most important part, Kevin!  Cheers for you.  :-)

Beyond that, I'm getting a steady stream of boring messages from blah people.  Lately I'm getting a lot of single dads from the Baltimore area.  WTF, mate?  I'm not 100% opposed to dating a man with kids, but I won't lie and claim it's my dream scenario.  Nor is someone who lives in Baltimore because hey, that's an hour away.  I love to drive, but I don't love to drive in Maryland.  I'm not as familiar with it.

Today is a head shaking day.  I had a date last night.  He was nice enough.  We got along pretty well.  But I felt ZERO attraction.  Once again, I was put on the spot about going out again.  I repeat:  WTF?  I hemmed and hawed and awkwardly said, "Probably!" even though I didn't really probably mean it. 

Oh, online dating.  You are a fickle friend at best. 

It only takes one.

"It takes ONE guy. Just ONE. Finding him will take loads of perseverance, patience, and WHY'S and you are too good to settle. So, I wish you better than these horrific dates and I wish you love and I hope your best guy is right around the corner....so keep on kissing those frogs until then."

This was an excerpt from a comment by Readyandfading on one of my more recent posts.  You all know I've had a rough couple of weeks, and part of that roughness has been a decided frustration with dating and men and the likelihood of me ever finding someone to really love again. 

That sentiment, that it just takes one guy, and that I'm too good to settle for anything less...that's so important to be reminded of.  The two things go together, and then they spiral out into a bigger picture, with a more significant message.  I am more than any romantic relationship I may desire or become a part of.  I am pretty spectacular on my own.  I am more self-sufficient than I ever imagined, more capable, more driven.  If someone had asked the married version of me at 23 if  I could ever be happy in a life as a perpetual singleton, living alone and doing my own thing all the time, I would have crinkled my nose with disdain.  So much solitary time!  So many day to day adult life unknowns!

Yet here I am.  And while I may have a frequent rider's pass for the dating merry go round, I also have a job I love, friends I adore, family I love, an apartment that suits me, cats who make me laugh, hobbies and things to do that fill my time, and a group of awesome blogger friends who support me and encourage me and commiserate with me, all while reading along on this crazy little journey.

That, my friends, is pretty impressive, and is part of the reason why I really am too good to settle, and why I won't, and why I need to continue to work on being patient, and taking care of all the other parts of my life, and letting this dating puzzle piece work itself out over time.  Upside?  BLOG MATERIAL!

Love at first read

So I bought a book on amazon last night for my Kindle, and I am a handful of e-pages in and I love it. Wanna know why?

It's called "Not a Match: My True Tales of Online Dating Disasters".  It's written by a guy, and one of the first things I read that made me laugh and nod my head was the following:

"The whole enterprise is like a long line of hilariously sad dominoes.  You topple one disaster, and it just leads you to another tragedy waiting to fall."

YES, INDEED! 

Jebus.

So I went on a date on Thursday night.  He was a tiny little guy.  5'7 1/2", and I'm 5'6".  But he was just this really in shape, compact person, so he seemed smaller.  Anyway, he was nice enough and we chatted for 3 hours until Panera closed.  He was attractive, even if not my normal size I'm attracted to, and he was funny.  My various hesitations about him came from the fact that he has two kids, he lives about 40 minutes from me in no traffic, and because he implied that having been on a lot of online dates was weird in some way.

I've been doing this off and on for 2 years now.  I meet people in real life because talking to them forever online gets me nowhere.  I told him I didn't have a number, but that I'd been on many.  He claImed that he must just "pick well" and all I could think was that clearly he's not picking THAT well, as he's still single.  Right?

So I've been thinking about that since.  For the record, this guy put the nail in his own precarious coffin Saturday night when he offered to send me a shower picture.  PASS, thanks.  Anyway, I decided to try to get an approximate count of the number of dates I've been on, in terms of how many separate people I've met.  I went through my gmail calendar and my dating account emails, and I cobbled together a list.  I'm sure I've forgotten a couple, but I feel like it's probably fairly accurate.

Now, I had guessed it was about 30-40.  I was right.  I came up with 32, and given that I'm pretty sure I've missed a few, I'm going to guess that 35-40 is probably an accurate number. Two years, 35-40 people.

Now, for clarification, I didn't sleep with all of these people.  OBVIOUSLY.  Not even close! I didn't even kiss most of them.  Out of all of those people, 10 past a first date.  Of those 10, 7 made it past two dates.  Four made it past three dates.  Only two got to a point where I lost count of the dates, Artboy and Baltimore. 

But still.  Ballpark 35 dates in two years.  Some months there were none, others there were 3 or 4 different ones.  I went on another one on Sunday (sigh).  We met at a weird little pub setup in Whole Foods for coffee.  He was wearing a Trix (like the breakfast cereal) shirt.  Beautiful eyes, told me I was "pretty as a peach", but was too quirky for me.  It was actually really awkward for me conversationally, and I can rock the small talk generally.  He still asked me out again after!  :-/

35-40 dates.  Two years.  I've been legimately hurt by two of them.  Artboy and E.  I've probably legitimately hurt a couple myself.  And here I stand, another date on the books for this week with someone new, talking to another new guy online, wondering when it will ever end.

This is a merry go round I would like to get off, please!

I'm a hot mess

It has been a rough couple of weeks, bloggy friends.  I feel like the hits keep on coming, and while I'm trying to keep in good spirits, I'm falling down on the job in a lot of ways.

Work has been insane lately.  Crazy busy and stressful.  The kind of days where I leave and my head is all mixed up and I'm tired and drained and frustrated.

I've been eating awfully.  Not just mildly awful, but full on horrifically bad.  Lots of food and poor choices while I'm at it. 

I've been working out less.  Last week I took two days off, and one day (Sunday) I did only half of my regular workout.  I felt exhausted, and it's probably because of the junk food I've been filling myself with.  I am not kidding when I tell you I have probably gained back the full 5 pounds I'd lost in the last few weeks all in a matter of a week or two. 

I don't know what my deal is.  I mean, I guess I do, but I'm so angry with myself, in a lazy, detached way.  I've actually had a couple of really embarrassing thoughts.  Things having to do with the fact of my perpetual singlehood, and what's the point of being in shape and eating well if no one is around to appreciate it?  That's a humiliating thing to admit, but it's crossed my mind. 

I'm not doing this for any man.  I know that.  I have no man to do it for.  I'm doing it for myself.  But I miss having someone to appreciate my ongoing efforts.  To note my progress.  To see up close and in person how I've changed.  I had that in Artboy.  Now I don't.

I deleted all of his information last week.  We had one more interaction and it went piss poorly, and it hurt me, but not in a world is ending kind of way.  Just in a "one more slight in a pile of slights" kind of way.  The week before he'd been chasing me around, throwing compliments and flirtatious interaction my way, trying to arrange a meetup with me.  Then last week he was MIA again, and when we talked, he was dismissive.  Like I was boring him.  And he actually told me that he was sure someone else would want to fill his slot.  Like seeing me was the equivalent of a dentist appt. to him.

Fuck that.  For the first time I deleted him out of my contacts, off my chat list, out of my phone.  I deleted the last two pictures from my phone that I'd held onto, one of us together and one of just him.  It was liberating, sure.  But it was sad.  I don't know exactly why, because he was a real dick a lot of the time. And being sweet and charming 20% of the time doesn't make up for all the rest, and that's probably a generous count. 

I miss him, anyway.  I miss the way I felt when he looked at me, and how open I felt with him, how my inhibitions were almost non-existent.  Something about him made me feel insanely confident, and it was so empowering.  Except when it wasn't.  Except when he was ignoring me, or being a moody bitch.

I guess I'm just struggling with feeling valuable and worthwhile when no one else is paying attention.  No one is pursuing me really.  All of the old ghosts that come out to play are currently in hiding, they don't need or want me.  E continues to haunt me because this weekend I saw that he'd updated his profile picture on POF, and was back out there in full force.  I felt stupid and angry and used and betrayed, and I really hate that guy.  I hate him for throwing me so far off my game, and I hate myself for letting him have that power.

I need to reboot.  I need to start fresh.  I need to stop eating all this garbage.  I need to stop rationalizing extra days off workouts, or short workouts.  I need to chug a ton more water each day.  I need to walk or do squats or something over lunch breaks.  I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, stop letting E take up a single square inch of my mind, and I need to let Artboy go.

I can do this.  Right?