How ever will I choose?

Oh boy, my online dating inbox has been full of gems lately, I tell you!  A girl can just feel overwhelmed when she has so many promising options on the horizon!  I'm just so excited I have to tell you about them.

The Master of Flirtation:  His opening (and only!) line was, "Can you say boobs on here?"  Oh, how I swooned at his appreciation of the female form, as well as his thoughtful inquiry to gauge what was appropriate.  What a man!

The Adventurer:  Twenty-five year old gorgeous lad who messages me with, "I've got 2 young studs for you tonight..game?"  WELL, OBVIOUSLY!  I am having such kick ass luck with one guy, why not throw another into the mix???  Plus, I'm super into multiple partners at once, that's so me.  Did sleeping with E at such an early point (4 dates, 3 weeks, Ha!) annoint me as the easy girl who is open to a double team?  Oh, the pride I feel at being propositioned by such a pretty face.  I responded because I was bored and thought I may as well have some fun with it.

Me:  Sounds like a lot of work.
Him: I'm pretty sure you can handle it...you look like a champ!  So are you in? [DOES THIS MEAN I LOOK LIKE I GET AROUND OR SOMETHING?]
Me: I'm good, but thanks for the offer.  I'm not a fan of dividing my attention among multiple people.
Him: No, its all about you..haven't you been with multiple guys before? [WAS I SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN DOING THAT? CONSIDER THAT MEMO MISSED.]
Me: Nope.  I'm a one guy at a time kind of girl.
Him: Ok, well how about just me..my buddy's getting tired anyway! [AWW, HE'S SO ACCOMMODATING.]
Me: Oh, you do flatter me, but I'm not only a one guy kind of girl, but I tend to like to know the people I'm hooking up with, and actually see the possibility of it going somewhere. Disappointing, I know. 
Him: I know you're not the type, but I'm moving to LA in a week and you're feeling adventurous! [NO WAY.  THAT IS SUCH CRAZY TIMING!  I'M SURE IT'S NOT A LINE TO TRY TO SUCKER WOMEN INTO SLEEPING WITH YOU.]
Me: I am? I thought I was feeling tired after a long, stressful day of work.
Him: I meant you're at an adventurous phase in life...let's do it tomorrow night ;) I'll talk on the phone with you tonight if it would make you more comfortable. [YES!  TAP INTO MY RESERVED NATURE AND FIND THE ANIMAL WITHIN!  YES, A PHONE CALL WILL DO.]
Me: I don't think I'm quite that adventurous.
Him: Come on now, seize the day..you could be dead tomorrow! [BRILLIANT!]
END SCENE.

The Shirtless Charmer: Twenty-seven year old man who apparently has no face, just abs.  Impressive abs, but still.  We engage in scintillating chitchat at his continued insistence, culminating in a gentle bridge to sensuality.  He asks if he can ask something personal.  I feel a quiver of anticipation, knowing something genius is coming my way.  "Does it get you hot to know that looking at your pictures really arouses me"?  OOH BABY.  Who says romance is dead?  This guy was a smooth talker, and when I was silent at his question, he continued to ply me with a heartwarming declaration about what explicit act he would like to do to me.  I couldn't handle the romance, the passion, the....special things he had offered me.  I had to leave him, like I left all the others.

Hot damn, I am lucky.

Then?  I was coming home from work last night, just having gotten off the train and was walking to wait for my bus.  Saw a familiar face heading into the Metro station, we connected eyes, and kept going.  Yup, totally a POF dating site guy I'd talked to before, but never met.  The world is a small, small place sometimes!  I tracked him down on the site and messaged him to confirm it was him, and it was.  Not my physical type really, but a nice guy, so we chatted.  I need to do better at giving nice guys a chance.

Honestly, sometimes online dating (and hell, real life dating) is like going to the circus and spending the majority of your time at the freak show.  SAVE ME! 

;-)

Still mad

I continue to stew over this guy nonsense from lately.

First and foremost, E.  I keep thinking of bullshit he fed me voluntarily that implied he was going to be around, and it makes me really angry.  I complained about something being broken in a nuisance way in my apartment.  He said next time he came over he would fix it.  When I was at his place that Friday, before the DOOMSDAY SLEEPOVER, it came up that he sleeps on the right side of the bed.  I told him I sleep on the left, and he grinned and said, "Well, that works out!"  Setting aside all of the running and training offers he made, it all just adds up to a pile of bullshit.

Georgia.  I keep seeing that jackass online on POF.  I can't block him because you need to have a message in your inbox to block someone, and I deleted all of his.  It's driving me insane and I'm tempted to message him asking him to reply to me so I can block him.  Yeah, I want to tell him why.

Friday bowling guy?  WTFever.  I cannot win here.  I didn't do anything wrong and I still got blown off even though he initiated contact. 

These people make me angry.  I know I need to let it go, but today, I'm still angry. 

Surrender, Dorothy

Sometimes I feel like I can no longer come up with any good reasons to keep with this whole dating business.  Right now is one of those times.

I'm still stewing over how things played out with E.  How could something go from so good and such potential to this in a week's time?  I allowed myself to break my own rules and I got truly excited about the possibilities, the potential, and I was marveling over the fact that I seemed to have finally found an emotionally mature, functional adult male to spend time with.  And then.  Sure, I'm glad to have found out now versus down the road, but it doesn't take the sting away.  I liked him.  A lot.  And his dismissive parting email makes it pretty obvious that I was more invested than him.  Yeah, I'm cute and very sweet.  Awesome.

I cannot figure men out anymore. 

I went to a meetup event on Friday night.  It's a 30s group for Northern Virginia, and it was my first event with them.  About 20 people showed up for cosmic bowling, and it turned out to be a really good selection of people.  There was a subgroup of about 10 people that I hung out with most, and I actually had a fantastic time.  I was really glad I'd kept my plans to go, especially once I got E's email while I was waiting for everyone to arrive at the bowling alley.  The distraction and all the new faces were welcome. 

I even won a game of bowling with my own personal best score of 149, at least in years and years and years.  I was a happy, flirty, fun social butterfly and it was an ideal way for me to spend the evening.  One of the people I met was a guy who I clicked with fairly instantly.  We ended up talking lots throughout the evening, and at intermittent periods we learned a lot about each other through questions...jobs, pets, family, hobbies, interests.  We were really getting along, and discovered that we are both horror movie fans.  We talked about going to see a movie sometime, and when we all dispersed, he said he would be in touch, as he'd pulled up my profile on meetup.com in front of me to make sure he could find me.

So Saturday afternoon I get a message from him.  He told me he had a great time and thanked me for making his first meetup so fun, and gave me his number.  Told me to let him know when I was up for that movie.

I was super busy all Saturday afternoon, so I replied later that night via text.  You know what I got in reply?  Nothing.  Because men are driving me to the point of insanity and I kind of don't give a shit about rules anymore, I messaged him via meetup late sunday afternoon.  Made a joke about how I'd texted him since he told me he didn't like talking on the phone, and teased him about not replying.  Told him I hoped he had a good weekend, and that was it.  Nothing.

WTF?  He suggested getting together for the movie.  He messaged me.  He gave me his phone number.  And then I actually return the contact and I get dead silence in response?  I give up.  I will never understand WTF is going on in the heads of these men.  Truly. 

That just goes to show that you can meet screwed up, unreliable, ridiculous men just as easily in real life as you can via online dating.  It's not online dating that's messed up, it's men in general.  No matter where you dig them up, they all seem to have a swimming pool of issues in their possession, and I'm tired of being jerked around. 

If you don't want to follow through on seeing me or talking to me again, don't suggest getting together.  Don't give me your number.  Don't act like you like me, or tell me you like me or give me any positive signs of any sort if you just intend to screw me over or ignore me.  I'm not asking you for this stuff, you're OFFERING IT for no reason, apparently with no intention of meaning anything you say.

I'm frustrated.  Really frustrated.  I'm not doing anything wrong here.  I'm not being over the top or needy or ridiculous.  I've been funny and charming and cute and interesting and dynamic, and I am a PRIZE.  A catch. I'm so much better than the bullshit that's been coming my way lately.  When will this bad dating mojo change for the better? 

We can watch it unravel

I don't want to write about this, but I'm going to so I can have it be done with.  Things with E are done.  They were done on Friday officially, but unraveling well before that.  You know that thing you sometimes do with someone when you're an adult and you're attracted to each other?  Well, that happened on our date two Fridays ago.  You know, the date I was so excited about.

I went out his way and saw his condo and it was lovely and quirky and cute.  I met his dog who was sweet and adorable.  We went out for a great dinner, lots of laughs and talking.  Came back to his condo after and talked for a couple of hours on the couch, just getting to know each other better.  Then I spent the night.

I wasn't planning to.  I was actually specifically planning not to, but things happen.  You get caught up in moments, and the attraction is there in spades, and you give in.  So I stayed and it happened and I had to wake up to my phone alarm early the next morning for a session with my trainer.

We didn't talk the rest of Saturday.  Would it have been nice to hear from him?  Sure, but we'd just spent a lot of hours together, so I figured that might happen.  Sunday rolls around, and I don't hear anything.  I text him that night and we chitchat briefly about nothing of substance.  He drops out in the middle of the conversation, which was odd, but again, it was nothing of substance.

Monday I think for sure he'll initiate contact again.  Prior to this we'd been talking just about every day and religiously taking turns initiating it.  But then it's almost ten and still nothing.  So I texted him and said, "I find it kind of alarming to spend the night with someone and then start talking to them less often."

So it began.  His response marked the start of the unraveling.  "I've been in kind of a weird place since Friday.  I'm not good at communicating about this kind of thing, hence the silence."

I prompted him to please give me some idea of what was going on.

"It's very atypical of me to do that with someone I'm not in a relationship with.  I thought I was ready for that, but after some time to think about it, I realized I wasn't ready to go that far.  Then I got embarrassed and ashamed that I couldn't control myself, and it became this big awkward thing, and I was trying to come up with a speech to explain it all when I saw you on Wednesday."

I was a bit stunned.  But I told him it was okay.  Maybe we had gone too quickly.  I tried to reassure him, let him know it was all okay.  He told me he was relieved, and that he felt better about things.  I told him that his silence had made me nervous that he was going to drop out entirely.

"No way," he insisted.  "I wouldn't do that at this point."

Later, he said, "I don't want to stop dating you, I just want to hold back a little until we figure out what this is."

And finally, "There's a certain amount of respect that comes into play once I've slept with someone."

After that, we transitioned to a normal conversation.  I talked about my goal to go running outside this weekend, and he offered to go running with me.  I told him I would probably take him up on that offer, and shortly thereafter we wound up our conversation.

Tuesday I was CERTAIN I would hear from him.  Nothing.

Wednesday morning I get a text asking what time I wanted to meet for our bowling date that evening.  We decided on seven.  I was looking forward to it because I wanted to see him in person and feel like things were okay.  I wanted to be sure this awkwardness wouldn't overtake us.

I never got the chance.  He texted at 4:30 to say he was "totally sick", and that he had two options for me.  I could either come over and risk getting sick, or we could postpone for the weekend.

I felt it.  I knew something was off.  I told him I was sorry he was sick, and that we would just postpone.  In my mind I felt like he was lying about being sick.  I was disappointed, and then I was angry.

Later on, he posted on FB about being sick, and in the comments lunches and things were being cancelled because of it, so then I felt bad.  Maybe he really was sick.  Maybe this was just a really weird coincidence.  I texted him and told him to let me know if he needed anything.  He told me his roommate had taken care of it, but thanks anyway. I said I figured, but wanted to offer.  End of conversation.

Thursday nothing, except that he posted on FB that he was feeling much better.  All morning Friday nothing.  I knew it.  I knew it was unraveling, and I knew it was close to the end.  I also knew he simply didn't have the nerve to admit it.  I emailed him.  I told him I didn't know what exactly was going on, but that it was clear he'd pulled back from me.  I asked him to just be straight with me about where he stood.  I said that something was off because before Friday we talked everyday, and now we were talking markedly less.

I got a response Friday night, about 8 hours after I sent the email.  He apologized for his absence, blamed it on his illness.  The summary of his email was that he's not ready for the step that sleeping with someone means for him.  He doesn't have the time or motivation.  It was nothing to do with me personally, I'm cute and very sweet, in another time it might have worked.  Right now is bad timing.  "I'm not going to have any time or energy to invest in something with you.  In fact, I've ultimately decided to abandon dating entirely and have taken my profile down."

I was unsurprised, but still felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach.  I'd wasted almost a month with this guy.  I'd wasted not only kisses, but I'd spent the night with him, and for what?  This emo, self-indulgent, cliched bullshit??

I wavered on whether or not to reply.  Ultimately I did later on Saturday afternoon.  I told him:

Just for the record, things you told me on Monday:

I'm not going to just drop out like that at this point.
There's a certain amount of respect that comes when I sleep with someone. I don't want to stop dating you, I just want to hold back a little until we figure out what this is.

Not direct quotes, just general approximations. 

I hope that in the future you will not willingly offer up such things to others unless you're really sure you mean them.  I took you to be a very sincere, genuine person so when you said these things I believed you.  Perhaps that was my naivete, but it stung to realize that was a misplaced faith. Also, it's better for everyone involved if you can just suck it up, acknowledge the awkwardness and admit to where you stand on things without being prompted.  You left me hanging twice since Friday, and I wince to think of how long I would have been waiting if I hadn't confronted you on both occasions.  Your lack of desire to communicate about these things, while understandable, left me in an uncomfortable position, and I honestly wish you would have just told me it wasn't going to work last weekend, or whenever you got that inkling.
I wish you no ill will, I'm just disappointed about the way this has been handled since Friday.  I wish you luck and happiness, in whatever form you want that to be.  Take care.

That's more niceness than he merits.  I know it.  But lashing out at him in overt anger, while making me feel better briefly, would ultimately have been a mistake in judgment.  I've made enough of those with him.  I was hoping for more of a stinging, subtly insulting effect here.  You've disappointed me.  Be man enough to own your situations and feelings.  Quit being such a little bitch.  I hope he got the between the lines messages there.

So it's done.  And I remain disappointed.  And sad.  And hurt.  And like I was misled, fooled, tricked.  I'm frustrated with how it all happened, and how it started out so promising, and how it turned out like this.

I de-friended him instantly on FB on Friday, blocked him on Gchat.  I don't need to see him or his face or name popping up everytime I log onto either.  Besides that, we're not friends.  We're nothing.  He's just a mistake I made one time when I thought someone was something different, something good, something with potential.

And he's a person who is deeply screwed up, and who said all kinds of things of his own offering that he later totally contradicted with his actions.  He did drop out like that.  He did want to stop dating me, and he did it in a way full of disrespect.  I hope he feels like shit about this.  I really do.

Best 2/14 ever? Maybe.

So Thursday.  February 14th.  Valentine's Day.  This year?  Loved it.

I can't remember when I've had a better day than I did yesterday in a big picture kind of way.  Shall I elaborate?

I got some huge, awesome health news.  I've had irregular paps for the last four years, and that has resulted in multiple colposcopies and biopsies, and seeing my OB/GYN 3-4 times a year.  I FINALLY got a test within normal range, and based on my last exams I've been released to go back to normal, once a year exams.  HUGE for me.  Huge.  Four years of this, and now I'm back to being normal in that regard.  I attribute this change 100% to my new fitness and diet changes.  I really think it made a significant impact on this, and it is just one more motivating factor for me!

I got two Happy Valentine's Day texts from nice guys I consider my friends.  I got a Valentine's Day card in the mail from my mom, and a Facebook message for the holiday from my grandfather. 

I got really lovely blonde highlights put in my hair at my appointment yesterday, and they are awesome.  I got a relaxing blowout and got to come back to work for the afternoon feeling like a million bucks.  I got a small box of chocolates and a note of appreciation in my chair from our General Counsel, whom I work with on a regular basis. 

I met up with a new girlfriend after work for a drink and a little food.  We'd never hung out solo before, as we'd met through another friend, but we got along swimmingly and had a great time talking about work, dating, and life in general. 

I went to Pentagon City after work and got two fantastic new shades of nail polish from Sephora, along with a new Clinique Chubby Stick (love those things, especially the new bolder color ones).  I got an adorable, swingy black skirt, two shirts, earrings and a bracelet. 

While I was shopping, E texted me.  He warned me that thanks to his training session, he may not be able to move his arms for our date.  I told him how sad that was because I really like his arms.  :-)  He said that maybe they would make a recovery for me. We talked about details of timing and the like for tonight, and then we were talking about the 5k I've agreed to run at the end of March with my trainer.

I've talked to E about this before, and he was very encouraging to me about it.  Last night, he one upped himself.  I was expressing concern about if I could get ready for it in time, and he offered to run and train with me.  I told him that would be awesome, and that it would be nice to have someone to do that with.  He likes to run and often runs in 5ks and 10ks.  I then warned him that if he trained with me for it, I would want him to run the actual race with me.  He responded that he would run it with me with no hestitation.  The run is March 24.

He gave me tips on a good pace to aim for as a beginner, and I told him I felt all motivated and full of restless energy, and that I was going to go to the gym that night and just see how much I could run.  He was super encouraging and got me even more motivated.  We wrapped up our conversation and I did as I said, heading to the gym to run.

I got on the treadmill and I ran for 36 minutes straight without stopping.  Never, ever, ever in a million years did I think I could do that. Ever.  Disclaimers:  It was at a slow pace of 4.5 for 29 of the minutes, and at 5.0 for 7 minutes.  I ended up running a total distance of 2.72 miles in that time.  A 5k is 3.1 miles, and at the goal pace of 12 minutes per mile, that ends up being 36 minutes to run that distance. 

When I finished, I was stunned.  I'd not even intended to do it.  I'd gone in thinking I would just try to run for 12 minutes and see if I could hit a mile at that time.  But I ended up covering all the indicators because I didn't want to be distracted, and when I hit 12 minutes I thought, ok, let's try for 15.  Then 18.  Then 20. And then I  said, okay, I'll just run for 30 minutes.  But when I got to thirty, I only had those six left, as I'd set the time of running for 36 minutes.  I finished.  I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

E's motivation was gigantic in this.  The happiness of my day, and of my weeks in general was huge.  The confidence in my body and how much more in shape I am now than I ever thought I could be was huge.  I truly think this was the most shocking, awesome thing I've accomplished in the six months I've been training and working out. 

I know to a real runner this is nothing, but to someone like me who for years has proudly declared that I'll only run if being chased, who could never finish the mile run in high school without walking, who used to get winded going up a flight or two of stairs....this is such a momentous accomplishment.  I ran for 36 minutes without stopping.  I ran 2.72 miles.  Warrior Bluemoon has landed, and she is only getting better.

After the gym I came home and I was wired.  I cleaned up and then painted my nails with one of my new colors.  I called my mom to brag on my achievement.  I watched some DVR while my nails dried, and eventually I went to bed.  My body was spent, and I was mentally exhausted from what felt like an insanely long day...but a brilliantly good one.

This morning I woke up, put on one of my new shirts, got a smoothie on the way into work, and immediately got two compliments on my shirt.  I told my co-worker about my run, as she's a runner and appreciates my efforts.  And now I'm here, bubbling with accomplishment and energy, while also feeling like I could sneak a nap because all I do is run around like a crazy person lately.  But I can say with no uncertainties that I cannot remember the last time I have been as happy as I am right now. 

Happy Friday, indeed.  :-)

Singles Awareness Day?

So I woke up this morning to a text from Movie Guy, whom I went out with on one date after meeting him through a meetup group a few months back.  We still chat on occasion and see each other at meetup events, so it was nice to get a Happy Valentine's Day text before I even got out of bed.  Got my second V-Day text from S, a guy I went out with a few times in May/June and later rekindled a friendship with.  He now lives in New Mexico, so there is no chance of that changing from platonic!

Facebook was littered with Valentine's Day wishes and greetings via status updates, and another guy friend has "Happy Singles Awareness Day" as his status update in Gmail.  That's the second reference to that version of today that I've seen this morning!

Stopped at Whole Foods this morning and it was swarming with people buying flowers and stuffed things, and they had a whole section set up where they were putting together bouquets for people as they came in. 

Our receptionist is wearing bright pink, and indicated that while she is representing for the firm on the holiday, she will be spending the evening pampering herself with a spa night while her boyfriend is at work. 

I suspect I will see lots of flowers around the office today, although they were already trickling in yesterday, too.  Gotta love Valentine's Day.  :-)

I'm not wearing red or pink today, but that's just because I was in a hurry this morning and it didn't cross my mind.  And I am not even sporting fun festive nails, as my fingernails are totally naked today, wich NEVER happens.  It was chipping so badly that I took it off last night, but didn't have time to do a new paint job before bed, so naked nails it will be.

I'm good with today.  :-)  Little work this morning, then hair appt. at noon for highlights.  That will be a nice little break!  Grab some lunch, soldier through the afternoon and head out.  Tonight I may stop by Pentagon City mall after work briefly, or a couple other spots (Ulta!!), and then home to grab a bite and then hit the gym. 

Honestly?  I am really looking forward to tomorrow, no doubt about it.  But I am also really, really looking forward to Saturday night, when I intend to get any errands and the gym crossed off my list in advance, and spend the evening catching up on way overloaded DVR, getting my (new to me) ultrabook all set up, and just relaxing.  I feel like I spend all of my time running around like a crazy person during the week!

Last night it snowed while I was out running around, and it was lovely.  Pretty and sparkly and nice, but without messing up the roads, which is ideal.  :-)

So in summation, highlights of today:

* Happy Valentine's Day chocolate chip scone for myself this morning
* Hair appointment this afternoon
* Shopping!
* Trying out my new armband for my ipod at the gym tonight

Feels like a successful Thursday in the making. :-)

because I can

I'm not going to lie-I'm not being very productive at work today.  My mind is in about thirty different places right now.  I am scattered and happy and full of plotting and planning and lists, and if this workday would just end already, I could get moving!

Got my tax refund today, which is awesome.  Because I am ridiculous, I have plotted out how to spend it all, including a chunk into savings, buying another personal training package to continue my adventures as always, and other assorted things.  This includes a long overdue appointment for highlights tomorrow afternoon, and plans that include Ulta, Target, Costco, Sports Authority, Best Buy and a plane ticket to visit a friend.  I'm going to indulge in some girly products like hair things and my guilty pleasure, nail polish, and maybe a new perfume, plus some more gym clothes (never have enough), and the most exciting thing, a certain kind of tupperware for fruit in my fridge.  ;-) 

Tonight I'm venturing out to have dinner with a friend and hang out for a bit before swinging by Best Buy and then a brief break at home before I head back out to the gym.  Will need to in order to work off the Chinese food I'll be eating.  :-o  ;-)

Tomorrow is V-Day, also known as Thursday.  My celebration will be to wear red if I have any, and to get my hair highlighted, and then go to the gym after work.  RAWR, I know how to do it up right! It is entirely too early to place some weird V-day burden on things with E, especially when I don't even care about V-Day so much.  I just remain excited for our Friday date. 

Speaking of E, two things. 

1) I have noticed that while people love to hear about my dating trials and tribulations, once I find some measure of possible contentment with someone, and I am in that phase of being excited and randomly chatty about little details about him, the interest wanes.  Am I imaginging this, or are my dating misfires a bigger point of interest than me actually meeting someone I like to hang out with???  I find that odd, and kind of sad!

2) This is my blog, and so I can gush and ramble and smile and feel fluttery all I want about whatever I want!  And I'll tell you, I am a happy one.  Just in general, but the things with E help.  I am excited about this person.  I look forward to talking to him each night, and each time I'm surprised by how much and how big I'm smiling, and how we are sharing the perfect mix of conversation with content and flirting without it getting all inappropriate or what are you wearing or boring.  It just feels GOOD.  He makes me feel good, I feel good on my own, and I think I make him feel good.  We are really clicking, and it's such a nice change.

One night this week I was telling him how jealous I was going to be of his staycation next week.  He told me that since he'll be off, his weeknight schedule will be more open, and that we should hang out one night.  He added, "if you're not tired of me by then."  I assured him I didn't think that would be a problem, and so we have tenative plans to get together during the week next week in addition to our Friday date,w hich makes me stupidly happy all over again.

And last night we were talking about our successes and struggles with our respective trainers, and our goals.  I told him my goal was to be in a bikini for the first time since pre-teen years this summer, and he told me he hoped he's be around to see it.  Now sure, the convo was about a swimsuit, so of course he wants to see it.  But it's not the first time he's said something implying that he hopes we'll still be hanging out at some later point, which is just really nice.  I like that it seems as if he's feeling the same way I am.  POTENTIAL.

Also?  He sent me a Facebook friend request yesterday.  I was really surprised, and I panicked for a second.  My last two status updates had been made pretty much in specific reference to him, although they mostly just spoke of how happy I was, and how I couldn't stop smiling.  I actually went and created a custom group to alter the audience for those two posts so he couldn't see them, and THEN accepted his request.  That is just a little too much honesty for me at this point.  ;-)  But on another note?  Damn, his FB profile picture is the most adorable thing ever.  Could he be any cuter?

If I sit around and think about him for any measure of time, I flush, I get butterflies, and I smile like a fool.  No matter where this goes, these are some of the moments in my life I wish I could bottle up, to save the feeling, because there is no way to accurately and completely describe how awesome it is, and it is not something that just comes along all the time.  These are the feelings I strive for.  These are the feelings I work to feel again each time I've been burned or hurt...this is what gets me back up on my feet again, moving forward....knowing that this is out there. 

I used to always say that my interaction with Artboy made me feel alive, even when I knew it could really backfire and hurt me...and in that situation it wasn't really an if, it was a when.  The beautiful thing is that *this* situation makes me feel just as alive, and it doesn't have some guaranteed daggers on the other side waiting to deflate all the good, or sometimes even actively hurt me.  I don't have to experience weeks of hurt and neglect and being dismissed to feel an hour of happy.  It's good to remember that.  Really, brilliantly, amazingly important.

The Other Stuff

So I successfully and completely blogged about all things E-related last night.  Now that we have that covered, I'm going to talk about the other stuff.

Georgia:  MIA. Again. Thoroughly unimpressed.  We haven't spoken since Thursday, and that was just me texting him to say I hope he'd arrived safely.  He responded that he had, thanks, and I said I was glad to hear it.  That was the end. 

Sure, his mom had driven to town with him to help him move.  Yes, she was here until Sunday.  Yes, he worked Friday and will work today and tomorrow before his ten days off.  Yes, he was moving to a brand new city, getting settled and everything else.  But I know he is a texter, as I've seen it, and I don't merit one single text in all of that time?  It's a turn off.  It's worse because it's the second time he's done this, and really, I feel like he may have sealed his own fate.

I had a window I was leaving open for him.  First it was against the odds because I hate waiting so long to meet someone once I start talking to them.  But I held on because I liked him and we had chemistry.  Then I met E, and the window closed a little bit.  Then I went out with E again, and we kissed, and the window closed more.  My heart cannot handle too many visitors at once.  Then Georgia finally arrives in the same city as me, and our contact disappears.  At the same time, I see E for the third time, and things really click into place. 

I kid you not, last week I was struggling to recall E's name when in discussions of my man situation, and Georgia's name came easily.  Now the tables have turned, and Georgia is pretty much on the sidelines.  I have no desire to have another flaky, come and go as you please man in my life.  I had that for almost 2 years with Artboy, and I don't need a new guy to fill that role.  Georgia had charisma like you wouldn't believe, he oozed sex appeal and charm.  But I really feel like my initial instincts about him are proving themselves to be true...he is not what I'm looking for in the big picture.  I need a grown up who follows through on things, who doesn't disappear and reappear at his leisure. 

Baltimore is doing the same thing, just in a lesser capacity.  We talked most of Thursday via text, then ended things mid-conversation essentially, with him dropping the convo.  This morning around 8:30 he replies to the last thing I said, like three days hadn't passed since.  WTF?

And Artboy?  MIA.  Again. And I'm glad.  I had a realization this weekend.  Regardless of where things go with E, I will not be seeing Artboy anymore.  I will not be getting pulled into his web, or being manipulated back into the game with him.  I've been lying to myself for a long time about that situation.  This was not a friends with benefits relationship.  We are not friends.  I cared about him, but he does not care about me anymore. The fact of the matter is that I don't think he even likes me anymore, and he certainly doesn't respect me.  No one who respected me would routinely say the kinds of things he does to me.  He is the only person left in my life who talks that way to me, and even if he usually apologizes when I call him on it, he ultimately never changes. 

One of my friends once likened the situation to me being a toy he picks up and plays with when he wants to, and then discards when he gets tired of me.  He sees me as the forever faithful toy, waiting for him while he's gone, ready to forgive any misdeeds or neglect just for the gift of his company. 

Forget that. Let it be known that on this 11th day of February, I am officially resigning from the Artboy whipping girl role.  No longer will I shoulder the burden of being his outlet for his broken little emo boy frustrations, no longer will I worry about his delicate emotional state or explain away his shitty behavior.  Most importantly, no longer will I be at his beck and call, willing to overlook the litany of crappy, disrespectful things he's said to me. 

I don't know where things will end up with E.  I really don't.  But it is so refreshing to meet and spend time with someone who is respectful.  Kind.  Funny without being caustic.  Reliable.  A real, live, functional adult. 

I am better than these broken toys I've been playing with in recent months.  I don't need the grief, or the unexplained absences, or the total lack of self awareness so many of them have.  I am not your second choice, your backup plan, your safe haven.  I am not your emotional punching bag.

I have spent six months working on my physical well being, and all the while, without realizing it, my emotional well being was getting a workout, too.  I feel stronger on all fronts, and I feel good, and I am proud of myself for what I have accomplished and for what I will accomplish...and this includes closing the door on the unhealthy things that linger in my life.  Good riddance.

so this is what potential feels like

I'd forgotten what it was like, you know.  Then last night, it all came flooding back, and I found myself in the midst of a moment, appreciating it, feeling wonder at finding this again.  It was a long time coming.

Third date.  I've found that third dates are often a turning point.  I either come out knowing it won't work, or suspecting that it might.  Can you guess where I landed last night?

He picked me up and even came to my door to get me.  It felt oddly old-fashioned and lovely.  I gave him the 30-second tour of my apartment, and he met one of my cats, as the other was in hiding.  We headed out with a general area in mind, deciding to select a restaurant upon arrival.  We decided upon a low key, eclectic diner place that we both like.  We got seated at a solitary table right in front of the main window of the restaurant, in a little alcove of our own.  There was a little pink votive candle on the table.

Every time the waiter came by our table, we were enveloped in laughter.  He just makes me laugh.  Our senses of humor are pretty in sync, and I just find myself laughing and smiling all the time with him.  He looked cute.  Jeans, brown boots, a plaid button down underneath a half zip sweater.  Casual, but adorable. 

After dinner we came back to my apartment.  We watched an episode of "The Big Bang Theory", chatting throughout, then randomly, strangely, decided to watch "Romancing the Stone".  We watched/joked about it for the duration, and finally at some point during the movie I went from just being in close proximity to him to laying up against him in the crook of his arm.  My other arm fell asleep, but I so did not give a damn.

He smelled so good.  And his eyelashes are so long, and he felt good to lean against.  I wanted so badly to kiss him, but I swear, I couldn't figure out how to make the moment evolve.  Something about him is bringing out all the nerves I usually can't be bothered to have.

The movie ended and SNL was on, and we were mocking Justin Bieber, as he was hosting.  I started rambling a little.  Nervous rambling.  I felt like if something didn't shift, he was going to leave soon, and the moment would be missed.  I was stuck and panicking inside a little.  But then somehow, some way, he made a move and kissed me.

The flood gates broke open.  We kissed and kissed and kissed and I'd never been so grateful for the increased lung capacity all of my working out had afforded me.  We kissed until I was breathless and my lips were sore and swollen.  It was easy and amazing.  I used to mistakenly assume good kissing was a given, but it's not.   It can be hard to find a good match for kissing styles, for kissing skills.  We MATCHED.  We were totally and completely in sync.  It was spectacular.  I would also like to note that for the record, part of the time Justin Bieber was on TV in the background singing "As Long as You Love Me".  I laughed, and told him that now I would forever associate this silly Bieber song with this. 

After awhile he drew back and sat up, and his hair was all crazy and going in different directions, and I swear, it was adorable and sexy and I loved it.  We sat there grinning at each other like morons.

He said he should get going soon, and so eventually we got up and he got his coat on.  I went to kiss him, and the fire sparked again instantly.  Damn.  I COULD NOT STOP KISSING HIM.  I didn't want to stop.  I told him he had to stop being such a good kisser, he said that really it was me, I had to stop being so good at this.  We were at a happy stalemate.

He took his jacket off, and I kept him for another 45 minutes or so.  Most insane kissing chemistry I've felt in so, so, so long.  Finally we disentangled and he said he had to leave because it was getting dangerous.  He was right.  ;-) 

Coat back on.  To door.  Cue more kissing.  Cue him telling me I had to kick him out.  More kissing.  Me kicking him out.  So, so reluctantly.

I was wired for sound once he left.  I kid you not, I wandered around my apartment smiling like a fool.  He left around 1:20 in the morning, and I didn't fall asleep until 4.  I slept in until after NOON.  I woke up happy. 

I texted him tonight.  I was overthinking how and when to contact him, and finally I said screw it.  I asked him how his sunday was going, he told me he was very tired for some reason.  ;-)  And at a certain point amid our chitchat, I told him he was on a roll of successes with me.  He asked what they were.  I told him straight up:  You make me laugh, you're cute, and each time I see you it makes me want to see you more, not less.  Also, the kissing.

He responded that he couldn't take credit for the kissing, that I'm just really good at it. And that the feeling was mutual.  I told him that a) it takes two, and that clearly we are just very talented together and b) I was glad my boldness hadn't backfired.  He assured me that he wouldn't have made out with me if he didn't like me, so I was safe from any backfiring.  I told him I'd been pretty certain I was safe in that regard and he said "Oh, you definitely are."

Cut to the scene of me, feeling so happy and full of anticipation and potential that I may burst.  We talked  about when we're getting together again, and he invited me to come out to his area on Friday, so that's the plan. 

Cautiously optimistic is my formal state of the union here.  But I know that my lips are still sore from all the fast and furious kissing, and the memory of the chemistry there...wow.  This is a prime example of a tiny spark that slow burned into a fire.  I was attracted at first date, but nothing earth shattering.  Second date upped the stakes, and even the simple, chaste kisses were noteworthy, and I was more attracted.  Third date threw it over the edge, and everything blew up.  His personality, his sense of humor, the fact that we have so many weird, random little things in common, that he has a self proclaimed thing for curly hair.... ;-)

In summation?  I cannot wait for Friday.  Truly.  Anticipation burns bright in the land of Bluemoon tonight.

and so it goes

And so the dating merry go round continues.  Thought it was time for a little status update.

Georgia:  Drove to DC yesterday.  Arrived very late, I believe.  Talked to him for an hour of his drive, and he remains as charming and flirtatious and delightful as ever.  We have a half a dozen different kinds of sparks going, and I like it.  Really looking forward to meeting him, though I've teased him that we have to meet in a nice public place because I anticipate the physical attraction to be strong.  I would be meeting him in a public place, anyway, but it is of greater importance here!

E: Conversing back and forth via email once a day, though I think we're (finally) moving to text now.  Dynamic with him is interesting, as he is definitely a more laidback guy with regards to communication.  He's not on me all the time, and partly I like it, but partly I wish he did enjoy IM or texting more, because I like those little touch points throughout the day.  They make me happy if balanced properly.  :-)  Maybe now that we will be texting I will see more of that?

In other news, Baltimore, whom I haven't spoken to since October and haven't seen since July, texted me out of the blue this morning.  No idea what sparked that, but I responded and we've been chatting back and forth.  I always liked Baltimore, even if I could never tell what the hell he wanted from me.  I don't know what he's looking for now, quite possibly nothing more than just catching up.  We never had some electric physical connection, and it was never serious emotionally.  I think that's why it was so easy for me to just pick back up chatting with him today, as I always felt pretty comfortable with him.  Still random, though!

Artboy is being a pain in my ass.    We usually share idle chitchat every day, but last week he suddenly dropped entirely off the radar for about 5 days.  He resurfaced earlier this week with no comment on his absence, and then last night had the boldness to ask when we were going to get together again.  Really?  I sometimes fail to remember the extent to which he takes me for granted.

I told him I was too busy, and joked/added that my time was valuable now (as opposed to previously, when I was willfully being a hibernating hermit, which he knew of and was actually very sympathetic to and encouraging about).  He basically told me that pretending I'm busy isn't the same as actually being busy.  WTF?  He later told me to "Go out on all the dates", and again mentioned the dating thing within moments.  For someone who doesn't give a hot damn about me, he sure fixates on the idea of me dating.

I used to spill to him for no good reason.  I'd tell him what I had going on.  This time I left the bait sitting in the space between us, and simply told him that my world is comprised of more than just dating, and that I was disappointed to see that he had such a shitty opinion of me after all of this time.  I reminded him that me dating didn't affect him and he said "It affects me greatly" [Sarcasm] and later told me "I just want you to be happy."  There were no useful emoticons associated with the statement to advise me of his tone, but knowing him, I'm assuming he was being more smartass, less sincere.  Our conversation ended shortly thereafter when he started talking in Artboy code.  I used to enjoy trying to decode it, but last night I was just fed up.  I stopped responding and that was that.

I don't know if I'll hear from him today.  Or in a week.  Or never.  Probably not never.  I'd bet on that.  But I do know that I am really tired of him lately.  The luster has worn off.  He is no longer the one who offers me earthshattering encounters that make me moon over him like new again.  He is no longer the misunderstood gentle soul whose behavior I rationalize and excuse time and time again.  He is not the one who sings to me and makes me laugh and makes me feel like the sexiest, most beautiful woman in the world.

Now he is just a manchild, emotionally stunted and with walls so high from previous burns that he is impossible to reach beyond a superficial level.  As those walls grew and solidified, as he withdrew further, our connection diminished, and now he's just the guy I fall back on because he's there.  He's familiar.  He's safe.  He's not earth shattering, he's not mind-altering or worthy of starry eyes.  I see him for exactly what he is now, and I feel him exactly as he is:  a shell of a person, at least when it comes to me.  My Artboy rose colored glasses have cleared, and the illusion is shattered.  Just like him.

I win

So I never gave in and emailed E last night.  I was going to wait until my lunch hour before surrendering because on all significant levels, I am not programmed to play these kind of games.  Lo and behold, an email arrived in my inbox this morning, so it seems my hesitation paid off.  I forced his hand, a ha!  ;-)

So in other news, Georgia contacted me this weekend.  We'd been talking over text each day, but quite unexpectedly, he called me Saturday afternoon.  We talked for nearly an hour and a half, and it was actually a really good conversation.  We get along ridiculously well over the phone, and it makes me suspect it would be the same in person.

That conversation actually caused me to see him in a new light.  Previously I really thought our interaction was pretty superficial since the first couple phone calls a few weeks ago.  It was a lot of chit chat and flirting, not a lot of substance.  But Saturday's conversation really turned that around.  He was much more sincere, and when I mentioned his weeklong disappearing act, and teased him that he was in danger of losing his number one status in my online dating world (ie the date Saturday night) he seemed genuinely disappointed and flummoxed. 

He explained his absence, and it was actually what I suspected.  We'd both previously agreed that we're the types that generally like to meet sooner than later because we don't like to chat endlessly, get attached and then meet and have it not pan out.  But circumstances dictated otherwise, and we were both seeming to get a bit attached, and I'd expressed additional concern about it.  He said he backed off a little because of that, and call me silly if you want, but I believe it.  He seemed very sincere, and said that he wished that if it were bothering me I would have said something.

Valid point!  I was tempted many times, but I got caught up in the whole game of it, not wanting to initiate contact with him again when it was his "turn" or whatever.  He lamented that this kind of thing always happens to him:  he meets someone he likes, and then right before he's supposed to meet them in person, they meet someone special and he loses his chance. 

This is one of those situations where I do admit to feeling a bit torn.  I really want to meet Georgia.  He is driving up here with his Mom on Wednesday, and I believe he said she'll be here through the weekend.  He has ten days off almost immediately, and it sounds like our likely first meeting would be about a week from now.  Right now, a week feels like a small eternity.  I really want to just meet him and see how things translate in real life. 

In a factual analysis, E wins easily.  He is a stable adult with a career, a home, a dog, and a history of committed relationships of varying levels.  He's thirty-five, so he's a year older than me, but not too old. He doesn't drink, which honestly, is kind of appealing.  I get so tired of guys asking me to go out for a drink, and I never was a huge drinker before.  Now that I'm doing the whole self-improvement thing, drinking is even less appealing.  As long as he's not one of those judgmental abstainers who shakes his head in disappointment when I go out for an occasional happy hour or drink at my holiday party, I'm good with his stance.  Aside from that, he's cute, well-spoken, intelligent and funny.  He is a veritable checklist of good qualities to have in a potential mate.

Georgia, on the other hand, is like a laundry list of issues.  On the plus side, he is cute, has a career and is intelligent and hilarious.  He's charming and flirty and adorable.  HOWEVER.  He's never had a long term relationship, and he's 30 years old.  He says he is looking to commit to something real now that he's getting older, but the idea of being the guinea pig in that scenario is less than appealing.  His career is also severely unsuitable to encouraging a long term committed relationship.  I found out Saturday that while I knew the job would involve travel, he could be traveling up to 200 days a year.  Um, yeah.  That's a lot.  A damn lot. 

Maybe if I were single and 25 this would be appealing.  But I'm on the downward slide of 34 toward 35 years old now, and I don't want a piecemeal relationship.  I don't want a trial run of someone trying to figure out how to commit.  I love my solo time, I love being independent, but I don't need THAT much solo time.  He would likely be gone a week at a time, with non-travel time in between, but that doesn't make a difference in the big picture.  Big picture looks like a lot of work, and a less than ideal set of circumstances.

It's frustrating.  I wanted to meet Georgia and see for myself, and I plan to do so.  We get along well enough that I would like to think that at the very least, we could be friends.  He doesn't know anyone in the immediate area, and he'll be living really close by, so why not?  But it is disappointing that, for all practical purposes, I know he's not likely a good match for me.  It's frustrating because we do seem to click really well thusfar.

Sometimes I'm aggravated that my life got so off schedule, and that I seem to often meet the right people at the wrong time.  If I were at another stage in my life, Georgia might have been the perfect fit.  The ideal way to balance my need for independence with my desire for a companion.  Maybe we could have learned how to healthfully commit together.  But at this point I'm not sure I have time to figure this out with him, especially with his job sending him away so often.

I know E is a better potential match, and I'm going to see that through, and I look forward to it.  But i am going to meet Georgia, just to see.  I want to continue with my goal of making better decisions for myself, so I will factor in all pertinent factors if the need arises.  I am tired of being pulled toward the wrong people, and I'm definitely aware of the history, and I'm proceeding with caution on all sides.  :-)

dating games

So I had my second date with E last night.  We met at the movie theater for an early show (his idea, not mine).  He was waiting when I arrived, and I came in feeling pretty confident.  I had decided to try to blow out my hair on my own on a lark that morning, and lo and behold I was actually successful!  Then, I had the most awesome, softest pair of new jeans to wear, and a super adorable un-leather jacket I'd gotten late that afternoon that I wore over a bright blue scoop neck shirt.  I felt really cute and confident, and that erased a lot of the nerves I'd been having.

We'd gotten to the movie early, so we had about 45 minutes to talk before it started, which was actually a good thing.  I was glad we had a chance to re-acclimate before it started, and he looked as cute as last time.  I did take better notice of his eyes last night, dark brown and with great long lashes.  ;-)

Anyway, after the movie, we headed outside and over to a nearby restaurant for dinner.  It was snowing, which was lovely.  We stayed at dinner for a couple of hours talking and laughing, and I had a really good time.  I definitely felt like I was more of my true self this time, a little quirkier, a little flirtier, a little more silly and relaxed.  Plus, the waitress complimented both my jacket and my purse, so that was nice, too.  :-)

After dinner, we walked outside and approached the awkward point of the night on a sidewalk with people milling around on either side.  We'd parked on opposite sides of the theater, go figure.  I swear I am the most awkward, ridiculous person when it comes to this stuff!  We hugged at first, and then we broke apart and he was just smiling at me, and I could tell we'd reached the do we/don't we kiss moment.  Because I'm me, I declared "Ha, I hate this part" and he laughed, and I was all "All of these people are walking by", but I leaned in for another hug and we kissed.  Just a nice chaste kiss, but it was actually really lovely, and we kissed probably 3-4 more times as we said goodbye.  I told him I liked hanging out with him, he said the same, I said we should do it again, he said definitely.  At that point words were just dumping out of my mouth, and I figured what the hell.

So we went our separate ways after that, and I drove home with the snow flying past my windshield, a few new kisses on my lips, and a fluttery excitement over a second good date. 

All good, right?  So today, I couldn't decide if I should contact him or not.  I did last time after our date, so I was kind of hoping maybe this time he'd take the lead, but I've heard nothing from him all day.  I'm still considering sending a quick email, but damn, where's the initiative, E?  I don't think I misread the situation last night.  I do think he likes me, but he seems to be super laid back about all of this, and that's strange to me!

So I'm still sitting here trying to decide what to do.  And wondering why dating can't ever just be easy on all fronts.  And how nice it was to kiss E, and how I'd like to hang out with him again.  So why couldn't he just email me?  I am so dysfunctional about all of this that I already feel defensive, like he's wanting me to chase him, and that's probably totally unfair.  He is not Artboy.  He's probably just...oh, I don't even know.  Really.  And am I giving in if I shoot him a quick email?

I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE! 

Oh, dating.  You are a fickle beast!

date, baby, date

So I have a second date with E tomorrow night.  He responded to my thank you email the day after our three hour coffee date, and mentioned getting together again.  We decided on Saturday night, which was slightly surprising.  It seems like so often these days people don't want to sacrifice valuable weekend real estate time for such early on (online) dates.  When I suggested the weekend in the first place I made a joke along those lines and asked if he wanted to take the gamble.  He responded that he preferred weekend dates schedule wise (me too!) and that he didn't consider it a gamble at all.  :-)

We are doing the age old classic of dinner and a movie, and I have to say that I am nervous, and it's weirding me out.  I'm almost never nervous for dates!  I feel like a fluttery teenaged girl anticipating/worrying about how the almost always awkward first kiss will go, or if it will even come up.  I don't know how these things go anymore, truly.  I've had dates where the chemistry was instant and we ended up making out furiously on the first date, and I've had scenarios where I've gone out with someone anywhere from 2-6 times without a kiss. 

It's so strange how much it varies, and how every situation is different, and how you can never plan for anything like this.  I have no idea what I'm wearing.  I'm wondering if my hair will behave.  I'm wondering if I'll feel more comfortable being my slightly more touchy, flirty self yet. I'm fretting about all sorts of nonsense, I tell you. 

Sidenote:  I'd told him about my love of miniature golf, and about my favorite course in the area.  He told me we would have to date at least until spring so he could challenge me to a mini golf match at this venue, which I thought was cute.  :-)

So there you have it.  A second date.  Saturday night.