When LED candles come bearing flowers...

Yeah, that's right.  I had my "date" with the LED candle on Friday night.  I drove myself, which turned out to be a good thing since I was running late.  We had a Halloween parade at work for the children of employees, so that was cute, but it kept me in the office longer than I intended.

Anyway, I was at home getting situated, thinking I had a little time to spare, when LED boy texted me at 7pm to say he was at the restaurant and had gotten us a table since it was "kind of crowded".  We had plans to meet at 7:30.  Oy.  Subsequently, I felt super rushed and booked it out of my apartment and over to the restaurant, and I'll admit...I was a bit annoyed.  Sure, he'd told me not to rush, but I didn't want to leave him sitting there alone for half an hour. 

However, I get taken to the table, pull out my chair, and in my seat is a small, random collection of flowers.  SIGH.  It was such a sweet gesture, and I've never, ever gotten flowers on a first date before.  He was dressed in khakis and a polo shirt, which I sensed was dressing up for him. 

Oh, dinner.  We both just had soup.  I'd just come from a Halloween party at work, I wasn't sure what his excuse was!  He did want dessert, and I had a couple of bites of that.  As I suspected, he'd overestimated the time we'd need for dinner prior to the movie.  We had over an hour before our movie started once we were done eating.  DOUBLE SIGH.

He wanted to just walk around.  Okay then.  Sure, I was in heeled boots that weren't the most comfortable, but okay.  He kept wanting to walk further, I kept reminding him....no one told me to wear running shoes!  Finally I told him we had to just give up and go into the theater, as I had to go to the bathroom, thanks to the bajillion waters I drank at dinner.

We then got to hang out awkwardly in the theater lobby since it was too early to go in for the show.  He kept coming up with excuses to touch my hands, pointing out my jewelry, asking me about my rings.  It gave me an ominous feeling about the actual movie!

LED boy totally wanted to hold my hand in the movie, but I'm broken inside and only want people who treat me like shit, so I was totally not having it.  My hands were clasped together and off to the opposite side, or tucked away otherwise, away from his grasp.  Go ahead and say it...I'm evil.

After the movie he walked me to my car and we engaged in one of those awkward departures where I was hugging him, and I think he tried to kiss me on the cheek, and it was weird and I wanted it over.

Back at home he texted me to tell me that he really liked me and likes hanging out with me. 

SIGH.

I am SO not into this.  I feel really, really badly.  The flowers were such a nice gesture.  He is so honest and sincere and means so well.  I WISH I liked him.  But I just do not.  He mentioned going out again and I demurred, telling him I had to check my schedule and would get back to him.  That was honest, I really would need to check, as he'd asked about a specific thing.  But I don't want to go on another date with him.  I didn't want to go on the first one.

I can't fake it.  I can't just be nice and let him hold my hand when I don't mean it.  I can't give throwaway kisses to him because I know he actually likes me, and that wouldn't be fair.  I guess my thought was that if I didn't hold his hand, and we didn't kiss (shudder) that maybe it would be less likely to make things so awkward that I started avoiding meetups he was attending.  I don't want to lose that meetup group, and I would LIKE to keep hanging out with him in that group capacity.

On paper, this is all so nice. Good guy.  Sincere.  Sweet.  Gave me flowers on first date.  Told me directly how he felt right after.  AWESOME.  In theory.  Except when it's not reciprocated.  Then it's awkward.

Methinks my dating moratorium should have been stuck to more firmly!  Maybe it's not just online guys, it's all of them.  I need reprogramming.  Bad boy detox, good guy rehab.

Spared

I would like to thank everyone who inquired about my safety and well being in the last few days with regards to Hurricane Sandy.  By comparison, the DC area was hugely spared, and I never even lost power.  I prepared for the worst because it really sounded like the worst was coming.  I got some water just in case, I had non-perishable snacks, I already had D batteries and I had blankets galore and made sure everything was charged. 

In the end we got smacked with a lot of high winds and a lot of rain.  It shuttered a lot of the city, including the Federal Government and my employer's offices on Monday and Tuesday, as well as our Metro trains.  The winds weren't quite as bad as what we saw with the derecho this summer, but they were pretty impressive nonetheless, mostly in their tenacity.  Those high winds just stuck around for hours! 

I managed to get to the gym Monday early afternoon before things really got worse, and I went yesterday afternoon as well.  Things were pretty well running fine in my world yesterday.  I wish I could say the rest for all of the other areas that got slammed so much harder.  The devastation is unreal, and my thoughts are with all of the residents in these areas. 

I'm back at work today, and it seems like most folks fared generally pretty well.  Our NY office is struggling more and is thusly still closed today, of course.  I only know of one person so far who lost power, which is really surprising, but great news. 

So today is Halloween.  Everything feels a bit off after the last few days, between anticipating the storm, preparing for the storm, enduring the storm and evaluating the aftermath...it's kind of overshadowed Halloween.  I wore all black and gray in honor of the holiday, with gray and orange alternating nails and a Halloween sticker or two providing my orange.  Orange is not my color! 

I don't have any particular Halloween plans.  Living in an apartment I didn't get any Trick or Treaters last year, and I don't anticipate any this year.  I will head home after work and likely get out to the gym shortly thereafter to get that off my list.  Beyond that, It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is on tonight and I do plan to watch that!  It's a great Halloween tradition.  :-)

In other news, my throat hurts.  I'm 99.9% sure it's allergy related, but it hurts nonetheless.  My ears are bothering me a little bit, too, but nothing too awful at this point. Took an Allegra this morning, which usually helps me, but thusfar it's made no noticeable difference.  Not impressed!  Stupid allergies.  I never had any at all until I moved to this area nearly 8 years ago.  Thanks, DC!  ;-)

This concludes the well-adjusted post of the day.  Coming soon....a post about how I am dysfunctional on the inside.  Cheers! 

500

First Abs class last night.  We did 500 reps of different abs exercises, in addition to some sprinting.  GOOD TIMES!  We ended up moving the class outside to a nearby high school's football field, which was awesome since we're having such great weather this week.  It was only three of us, and I actually laughed a lot, too.  I expect I'll keep going.  :-)

I came home afterwards and just relaxed for an hour, which was nice.  I did end up going back out to the gym for a full cardio workout.  I have some lingering soreness in my legs from our workout on Tuesday, and I suspect that tomorrow I may have some newly acquired ab soreness from last night, LOL.  Boot camp saturday, and sunday I plan to sleep in!!

I am still laughing over the men as candles discussions from yesterday.  :-)  I told my LED candle I would probably drive myself, and really, I don't see why it would be a big deal.  Sometimes I just build these things up in my head.  Like with Gym Boyfriend?  He's been MIA for two nights in a row, and I started thinking...what are the chances of anything actually coming of that, anyway?  None.  Life goes on.  There are TVs to watch, there is music to listen to, there are calories to burn, muscles to build.  The gym serves a bigger picture for me than checking out men.  ;-)

Today is an extra jeans day at work.  If we donated to a charity event we got to wear jeans, so I of course did.  It makes the work day better!  I wore some skinny jeans I'd had put away for awhile and I feel pretty good in them with some cute heels, though I had a self conscious moment of panic once I got on my bus and was separated from home.  Jeans day again tomorrow, but we always have jeans days on fridays.  Tomorrow is also the Firm's Halloween Parade for the kids of employees, capping off with a pizza party, so that should be fun!  I'm all about anything to break up the routine of a regular day.

This brings to an end the most boring post ever. 

Go Read This!

I would like to highly recommend, if you aren't already following this awesome blog, GO NOW.  Read this.  My friend over at Not Necessarily Laughing WITH You wrote this post today and it made me laugh so hard, I love it.  This alone makes my upcoming date with the LED candle totally worth it, no matter how it unfolds!  :-)

Right to Drive

So Meetup guy wants to pick me up for this dinner and movie event on Friday evening.

I want to drive myself. 

A) I love driving.  My ride anywhere, listening to music, is a good way for me to get in the right mindset. 

B) I don't want this to feel anymore like a date than it already does.

C) I want an escape route.  :-/  Plus, I don't want the awkward moment in the car, all trapped like, at the end.

Is it wrong for me to just tell him I'll meet him there?  Our dinner spot and theater are right next to each other, same parking lot.

LED Candles are nice, but do I want to date one?

Three Random Things
* I wore a dress yesterday I've worn many times before, but it fits better now.  I felt like a kickass superstar all day long, and it was lovely.  Sharp, professional and best of all, my legs are looking awesome these days!

* I had a dream about the Angry Ex again.  Of course I did.  In this installment, he got into a fight, but miraculously did not throw the first punch.  Got a fist to the eye and only then did he retaliate in a vicious manner.  Cheers!  On the upside, this dream hardly even troubled me.  Felt familiar, and really just kind of par for the course.  I almost never remember my dreams, so I sure wish that when I did it was something a little less, oh, I don't know, ANGRY EX RELATED, but oh well.

* Lost another inch off my waist according to my measurements with trainer last night.  Thigh and bicep stayed the same, but a) I'm not hugely worried about bicep because my arms are getting so toned and developing little muscles even and b) thigh measurements will come down eventually.  I'm confident about that, and in the meantime, I can feel muscle in my thighs I definitely never had before, and that makes me happy!

MOVING ON....so, the meetup guy?  Yeah, he's definitely interested.  In addition to asking me about going to see the scary movie on Friday, he mentioned (and linked me to, LOL) a meetup Saturday night for a haunted event the group is doing and offered to drive if I go.  He also mentioned a showing of the original "Halloween" next Tuesday night and asked if I was interested. 

After some internal debating, I went ahead and agreed to the movie on Friday night.  I passed on the Halloween Tuesday viewing, as I have my trainer that night, and told him I'd let him know about Saturday night.  I don't think I will be going, though, as the haunted event doesn't look particularly interesting to me, plus its really pricy.  If it looked better, I'd consider it, but it doesn't look scary.  :-/ 

So apparently I have a date Friday night?  He wants to get dinner beforehand, and asked if he could call me tonight to plan it.  He'd already offered his number via email, but I haven't given mine yet.  :-/  I'm so weird anymore...I hate being put in the position of being on the phone with someone I don't know very well.  It always feels so awkward in advance.  Why can't we just choose somewhere to eat over email?  HA, I'm so broken.

I'm trying to keep an open mind about this.  He's obviously a very nice guy, we have at least one thing in common (scary movies).  He's being pretty direct about liking me and wanting to hang out, which should be refreshing.  Here's the thing, though:  when I think about going out with him on a date, I feel like I'm going on a date with a puppy.  He's cute (in a puppy way), sweet (in a puppy way), dorky and a little nervous and awkward.  He seems so damn innocent.  So completely and utterly without an edge.

Call me evil.  Call me cliche.  Call it what you want, but I don't know that it's possible for me to be attracted to someone so straight and narrow and...nice.  Oy.  I heard myself "say" that and shook my head at myself.  But it's true!

I like sarcasm.  I like a couple of sharp edges, unexpected points.  I like someone who feels like a little bit of trouble when appropriate.  I can't imagine this guy ever looking at me and making me feel the currents of electricity and excitement I've had with others.  He's more like...an LED candle.  Reassuring, nice, warm glow, but no sparks.  No fire.  Just safe,  predictable, contained.

Sigh.  Even when I remove myself from the online dating circuit, when I try to do what all the anti online daters told me to do (Date people from the real world!  It will work better!  Online dating is weird!), I still end up in the same quandaries.  My brain is still programmed in the same dysfunctional way. 

I know I shouldn't date any more firecrackers.  Too precarious.  Too unpredictable.  Too dangerous.  Maybe I need a sparkler:  someone shiny and bright enough to engage my interest with enough of an electric current to give me butterflies and shivers, but not enough to burn me.  When will I find my sparkler?

I guess in the meantime, I'm going to give the LED candle a chance.  ;-)

The Fine Art of Flirting (at the Gym)

Business first, my blog friends.  Today marks 8 weeks that I've been committed to working out and getting in shape.  I did my standard Tuesday morning weigh in and made a pleasing discovery:  as of today, I've lost 10.2 lbs.!  I was so excited to see that I'd hit the 10 lb. mark, and it felt like such validation for all of my hard work, in particular my extra push in the last two weeks.  I've lost 4 of those pounds just in these two weeks!  So that's my little brag for the morning.  :-)

Last night I had acupuncture, and it was incredibly relaxing as always.  So love those appointments!  I got some serious rest for that hour I was stretched out on that table, and it was a good way to loosen up prior to my gym time for the evening.  I've found recently that sometimes when I'm at the gym I get so into it, and I'm so busy watching Dancing with the Stars, or the debates, or football that I end up going longer than I intend to and actually have to make myself stop.  This happened last night actually.  Good problem, right? 

Speaking of my gym time, I saw my gym boyfriend again last night.  We barely crossed paths, as he seems to show at about 9pm and I tend towards about 8:30, and last night I got there at 8.  We were only at the gym for about 15 minutes at the same time, which was tragic.  ;-)  He picked a machine directly in front of me, and we continued in our game of looking at one another, but not speaking.  At one point he even swiveled all the way around and looked right back at me, which was impressive, since he was actively using the machine. 

One of two things is happening here:

1) He's totally checking me out and wondering how to score me as his gym girlfriend in the same way I'm wondering how to score him as my gym boyfriend.

2) He thinks I'm a creeper and is keeping an eye on me for his own personal well-being. 

It's a toss up really.  I think my flirting chip is disabled in the gym!  We make a ridiculous amount of eye contact, but WHY CAN'T I PRODUCE A SMILE???  I think I feel slightly off my game in that setting, especially since he was still fresh as a daisy from just beginning his workout and I was just wrapping mine up, and thusly glistened with a dewy glow, as we women are wont to do.  Don't get me wrong, I'm feeling better and better in my gym attire lately, as I know my body is changing for the better, but come on...it's still the gym!

Hoping tonight for a better timed encounter.  My training session got bumped to 8, so I won't be arriving at the gym until about 9:15.  Goal?  Gym boyfriend will be there and this time I can score the machine behind him (or maybe in front of him?  Angles are important, people).  Damn it, I will smile at him if he's there first.  Or at all.  Maybe.  If I can remember how in that setting.  ;-)

I know this is all silly, but it makes the gym even more entertaining for me, and gives me something to do on commercial breaks.  Also?  It would be kind of a little awesome to meet someone at the gym because, HEY, we already have something in common, AND they wouldn't try to cramp my workout style.  These are things I actually think about!

I'm off to do some work, to ponder the skill level of my eye flirting (maybe I can smile with my EYES?  Tyra Banks would be so kickass proud of me), and to psych myself up to get the nerve of a 13 year old girl to smile at a boy she thinks is cute.  I kind of love my life these days.  :-)

Offline Dating

Dating.  I've done a lot of it online.  Since I'm still single and have been for well over a year and a half, clearly I didn't find too much success with it.  But it proved to be a very interesting learning experience, and it made me much more comfortable with the concept of dating in general.  I also got a lot of awesome stories out of it.  ;-)  However, it started to wear on me recently, so I opted out of that world for awhile.  I've no doubt that I'll go back, but for the time being, I'm doing okay without.

I've been working on being more social.  Attending meetup groups.  Saying yes to things when I would have maybe previously said no.  Just being more open and friendly in general.  It helps that I've gotten more confident with myself in recent weeks as a benefit of working out and making such a serious effort to get in shape.  However, I also attribute this to the nerves being worked off by all of the silly one off dates I went on through my online dating adventures.

Here's the thing, though:  I'm still here.  I'm still a person who would like to find a connection, and I'm now a person who is feeling pretty good and is putting out some good mojo into the universe when I'm out and about.  I'm happy, and I think it shows.  In the last week, it seems like little things have been happening, with varying levels of reciprocated interest on my part.

* I met a guy through a friend of mine, and I've run into him a handful of times during happy hours.  He found me on Facebook and friend requested me, then I found him and added him on LinkedIn, just because.  We know some of the same people professionally, so I figured the networking wasn't a bad idea.  He messaged me on Facebook a couple of weeks ago, and we were predominantly talking about football.  This weekend he messaged me again and suggested we get together to watch a game soon.  Hmm.  Possibly innocuous, but I'm not sure.  Either way, he's a nice guy, but I've got zero attraction to him and I wouldn't feel comfortable enough to spend 3+ hours solo with him.  I've yet to respond!  Probably will with some noncommital reply, friendly, but avoiding, LOL.

* Met a guy through this meetup group I've attended a couple of times now, and he was in attendance at the movie Friday.  He was my touchstone that night because I'd met him previously, so we chatted and caught up.  We ended up going to see a midnight movie at a different theater later that night, and we drove over together from the first theater.  We both got snacks and ended up sharing, but we'd shared an appetizer and tried each other's desserts the first night we met, with another guy added into the mix then, so I didn't really think anything of it. 

When he dropped me back at my car he suggested we do it again for another movie we both wanted to see, and I told him I'd get back to him, as I had tentative plans to see it with another friend.  Later this weekend he messaged me and was asking about my weekend, how it went, etc.  He told me he had a good time seeing the second movie with me and that we should do it again sometime. 

He's a sweet guy.  Kind of a little dorky, but in a not totally unappealing way, LOL.  Big movie buff, good job, lives nearby.  He's kind of goofy, but I think it was maybe a little nerves?  I eventually responded and told him that sure, if something noteworthy came up we should go check it out.  I have no idea what direction this is going, but he seems to be giving me interested signs.  I mentioned I wanted to do something haunted and he told me about a meetup event he's attending saturday for a haunted thing and offered to drive me if I wanted to attend.  He also mentioned a movie in JANUARY and asked if I was interested, LOL.

Ah, the prospect of offline dating...it's weird to me!  For the longest time I wasn't meeting anyone in the real world that I would ever consider dating, and even now I'm not sure about anyone I've mentioned here.  But the concept is intriguing, and it's nice to consider something different.  I think I'd forgotten that sometimes people just MEET naturally and decide to date, instead of the constructs of meeting online.  I guess it's good to be reminded!

In the meantime, I'm just going to keep doing my thing.  Acupuncture and gym tonight.  Trainer and gym tomorrow.  Abs class (and possibly gym) wednesday.  Trainer and gym thursday.  Weekend?  Up in the air.  :-)

I've got lots of things on my mind...possibly another 5k in a couple of weeks.  Maybe another, longer walk/run in November.  Figuring out my pre-Halloween weekend plans.  Appreciating that the pants I had to completely abandon wearing a few months ago because they were too tight went from being too tight to just right to a little loose to pretty damn loose.  :-)  Knowing that I've earned that from working my ass off lately.  Feeling good about nice things my trainer said about me to my friend at the 5k on Saturday, and knowing that I am capable of even more!

If I didn't know any better, I'd say I'm having a pretty good Monday!

Hallowthanksmas

Every year I am disturbed by the way the holidays are thrust upon me so unceremoniously.  Here I am, all excited for Halloween, looking forward to carving pumpkins, watching scary movies and perhaps going to something haunted, and I go into Target and get assaulted by Christmas decorations and winterwear.  Meanwhile, people are talking about Thanksgiving and pumpkin pies and I'm still stuck back in Halloweenland. 

I am ready for Halloween, in my mind.  I still need to procure my second pumpkin, but I've got "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" on my calendar for 10/31 on ABC.  I can't think about Thanksgiving yet!  Give me until November, please.  And Christmas?  Don't talk to me about Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving!  There are rules here, people.  ;-)

In other news....my weekend was awesome!  I saw a good scary movie on Friday night (Paranormal Activity 4, which I really enjoyed), then impulsively saw Labyrinth at a midnight showing.  Got up bright and early Saturday and did the Breast Cancer 5k Walk, which was a great way to start the day, then had a rewarding brunch!  Went to the gym for an hour, then relaxed for a little bit at home before I went into DC and saw Kevin Hart's comedy show at the Verizon Center and grabbed some dinner, too.  Sunday was a day to get caught up on everything I hadn't done the rest of the weekend, including catching up on sleep!  I slept until noon, but made up for it in productivity the rest of the day.  I made chili, I went to the gym for an hour, I did a load of laundry, I did dishes, vacuumed, went to Target and overall just cleaned up my world a little.  :-)

I loved this weekend because it was social, both in a planned and unplanned way, I got some extra exercise outside on a gorgeous fall day, and I also had a full day of time to just do my own thing.  It was the ideal mixture of things! 

One more pretty awesome thing happened this weekend, too.  My brother, who is getting married in April to a girl I positively adore, asked me if I would get ordained and perform their wedding ceremony!  I was shocked to say the least, as I wasn't expecting that at all.  Once I had some time to think about it I realized this seemed like something they would do.  They are bucking a lot of tradition in favor of making the wedding true to them, and my brother told me that they really wanted me to be a part of the wedding. 

The ceremony should be pretty short, as neither of them are really religious, so it will be very straightforward and brief.  I'm betting 15-20 minutes tops, and that, along with the fact that they are keeping the ceremony pretty small, helped me make my decision.  I'm pretty excited and very honored that they want me to take on this role in their special day, and I can't wait to find out what it will entail and work out the details with them.  I have several months to get it all figured out.  :-)

This concludes my functional update type post.  I predict a more thoughtful post will follow sometime today!

I *wanted* to be smiling!

Last night was a big old torture-fest.  Went to my trainer and my workout was intensely difficult.  He had me doing this suspension workout I'd never tried before, and it was immensely challenging.  It won't be the last time I do it either...he warned me!  :-/

I went straight to the gym after my session to get my cardio in.  I knew that if I caved and went home even briefly in between, I'd never get back out!  I got my 60 minutes of cardio in, and somewhere in the last 15-20 minutes my future gym boyfriend materialized.  He was pretty much on the opposite end of the room from me last night, so our most meaningful moment was had when I was heading out.  He caught my eye and I tried to give him a half smile.  But seriously?  I was SO.EFFING.TIRED that I don't have any idea what look I *actually* gave him.  I was smiling in my head, I swear!  My body, even my poor face, was just too tired to perform.

I went home and laid in a pile on the floor after taking a nice, long, hot shower.  It was awesome to finally be off my feet.  I worked my ass off this week! Pretty damn happy that tonight is my night off from working out.  I need it.  :-)

The Perks of the Gym

I've discovered one additional perk to spending so much quality time in the gym lately.  Sure, the weight loss and the toning are great, but it's also nice to spend an hour or so watching good looking men work out.  Last night a cute gentleman I see at my gym quite frequently took up a spot at the arc trainer in the row in front of my elliptical machine, so on commercial breaks during Law & Order: SVU I watched him go go go.  He kept looking back at me, so either he thinks I'm a gym stalker or he was checking me out.  When I went to leave last night he was tangled up in some strange weight machine, but  he got my eye, anyway.  Little short for my dream guy, but pretty good looking, and if we fell madly in love he wouldn't cramp my gym habit, LOL.  NOTE TO SELF:  Next time, smile at him.  Eyeing him in a way that feels coy, but subtle probably translates to looking at him blankly.

I spend more time at the gym than anywhere else aside from work, so come on...is it so unrealistic to think it would be nice to pick up a cute, fitness minded lad there?  We could toil away side by side several nights a week, bonding in our goals of getting (or staying!) in shape.  Ah, love.

I don't go to the gym in super awesome outfits.  I don't PUT ON makeup for the gym...except for lipstick.  But if you know me, you know that I don't go anywhere without lipstick or lipgloss, so this is more just a strange quirk than some gym-directed choice.  At least I don't bring the gloss INTO the gym with me anymore.  ;-)  Bottom line?  When I'm sweating away on the elliptical for an hour, I'm not at my Bluemoon best, but hey...if I ever do find gym love I'll know it's true, because it won't be based on my shimmering beauty.  :-D

On a Roll

It's true, I'm on a fitness roll lately.  Without all of the dating business keeping me busy, I've had a lot more spare time to play with.  I've chosen to fill the bulk of that time with working out.  I figure that if I have the motivation, I may as well seize the momentum and go with it!  My new thing is to work out with my trainer on Tuesdays and Thursdays, then go to the gym later that same night and get a full cardio workout in.  My training sessions are predominantly strength and toning, so it's not overkill. 

I did this last night actually.  Trained with B for an hour, then went to the gym and did 70 minutes on the elliptical.  The debates were on, so I actually had to force myself to stop after the 70, as I could have just stayed on through the end.  In summation, I am doing a ton of cardio in the last week or two, and it's awesome.  I feel awesome.  The muscles in my arms are getting more defined.  I can feel muscle in my thighs and calves, and my endurance is definitely increasing. 

Next week I'm going to do my regular two sessions with B and then try a new Abs class he's starting on Wednesday evening.  It's a small group, 3-4 people, and I'm interested to check it out.  I'm afraid of a full hour of abs, but that's the one area I really want to focus on.  My stomach is getting smaller, I know that objectively, but I really need to work on toning it.  Putting that into the mix with everything else should help!

Saturday boot camp is cancelled because most of the class is participating in the Breast Cancer 5k Walk, including me.  I'm looking forward to walking for the cause, in particular since my manager was just diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer in the last few weeks.  She starts treatment soon, and this is particularly timely now.  Beyond that, the weather should be nice and fallish, requiring some layers for the morning chill, but I will be walking with a friend or two, so it should be good!

I'm also looking to add in some more variety, maybe jump roping, more walking outside (at a nice, quick pace), and I want to add a resistance band to my home fitness collection.  That's a great tool to use while watching TV or just chilling at home. 

I'm a little sore today, but it feels good.  Last night's training workout was difficult.  I like pushing myself, even when I feel particularly uncoordinated, like I did last night!  I definitely worked hard!  I took about a 30 minute break at home before going to the gym, and then back at home finished watching the debate before I took a nice epsom salt bath to wrap up the night.  I did manage to get a batch of turkey breast meatballs made, too, so those will be nice to have.

No official weigh in with trainer yet, but I weighed myself yesterday, as I do each Tuesday, and I'd lost another 1.4 pounds.  According to my records, that's a loss of 7.8 pounds since I started this on August 28th, seven weeks ago.  HOPEFULLY my measurements next week will reflect some change since I was pretty stagnant last week, save for (finally!) a half inch loss off the thigh. 

This officially wraps up my fitness blog post for the day.  I suspect a more normal post may follow later today!

Undateable Men and Why They're Delightful

I spent my Friday evening with a group of men.

I didn't want to date any of them.

I had a great time.

Cheers to that!  It's nice to remember that I can just hang out with people for fun without any pressure or romantic or physical interest.  It's good to flirt and not have it matter.  I stayed out later than expected, I drank more than I planned to, but I laughed a lot and it was worth the sleepy Saturday morning.  :-)

I suppose I'm "doing me", in the vernacular of the wise trainwrecks of the Jersey Shore.  I'm mixing things up, hanging out with friends, making new friends, and saying yes when previously I may have said no to invites.  It's good to rock the boat sometimes, and it's good to be in a new social setting and do okay in it.

In spite of the good times had Friday night, I did have a bummer moment this weekend.  Fall is my favorite season.  I love haunted houses, carving pumpkins, decorating, and watching scary movies.  I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I cannot find anyone to go to haunted houses with.  No one.  They are all afraid/not interested/too busy.  This happens every year, and it was only by some miracle that I went to a haunted forest last year (with my ex-H, no less, and a group of people he knew.  Blah.).  I am disappointed every year when this happens.

Beyond that, the decorating?  The pumpkin carving and seed roasting?  I will be doing those things, but I'll be doing those alone.  I must just know all the wrong people in this area.  I love doing these things, and I would love to go do a corn maze or something, but no one likes what I like.  I carved pumpkins (with the ex-H again, ha!) last year.  This year, it will be a solo mission.

I really hope that someday, eventually, I will find someone who wants to carve pumpkins and watch scary movies with me.  Endeavor to make a Thanksgiving feast and watch football with me all day.  Pick out a Christmas tree and choose an annual ornament with me, then bake Christmas cookies.  Maybe dye Easter eggs with me.  Go watch fireworks with me. 

Some people want expensive trips and travel, jewelry and fine gifts.  Fancy meals, luxurious homes, over the top gestures.  I just want someone who laughs at the disgusting joy of digging your hand into the innards of a pumpkin to clean it out before carving it up. 

I will not forsake these favorite pastimes simply because I continue to fly solo, and I will not bend over backwards to get others to join in on activities that I love.  I will sit in my living room while my cats "help" me with the pumpkins, I will watch scary movies on my TV decked out in orange twinkle lights for the holiday, and I will burn autumnal candles and eat the roasted seeds myself.

In the meantime, I will keep saying yes to things more often than no, and I will spend time with the people I enjoy spending time with, and I will continue to enjoy my solo time as well.  Balance, baby.  Balance.

Awesomeness

Pretty sure I'm awesome.  Did my hour with my trainer then went to the gym and did 60 minutes, 530 calories on the elliptical.  My trainer was impressed when I texted him dutifully to relay this information.

SCORE.

WTF, mate?

So I just got an email from someone I went on a single date with in June 2009.  The last time we spoke was November 2009. 

Backstory: 

I met angry ex in April or May 2009.  We started dating, but Memorial Day weekend he had some existential crisis and we unceremoniously "broke up".  We still saw each other 4-5 days a week for lunches, but didn't get back together until the last week in June.  In that interim, I did a brief stint on match.com, where I met this guy.  I mostly did it out of passive aggressive frustration with angry ex, as I still didn't understand what had happened.  Talk a bout a red flag missed!  There was no chemistry with this dinner guy, so it never went anywhere.

Cut to November 2009, when he messaged me to say hi. I was in the shower or something and angry ex saw the email as it came into my inbox and was fuming by the time I got back.  He basically freaked out on me and thought I was doing this while dating him.  I explained the situation and he was still livid.  I wanted to just delete it and move on, but he made me sit there and type up a response to this guy.  I recall him actually feeding me the words.

"The profile was canceled awhile ago. Why are you emailing me now when the last communication we had was in June?"

He said "I saw our old emails and thought about u. u lost touch unfortunately."

Angry ex then had me say, "Ok well thank you for emailing me, but I'm in a relationship. The profile should have been removed. Take care."

It was a source of great tension for awhile.  He kept thinking I'd been doing something behind his back when of course I wasn't.

Now today, October 2012, this guy messages me and asks me if I am still seeing someone.

WTF?  They really do always come back, even the completely insignificant ones.

Filling the Void

My world got kind of quiet in the last few days since I deleted my dating profiles.  It's weird.  As much as those notifications annoyed me at times, I admit that the ego boost was nice.  The attention was nice.  Even if I didn't want to go out with 98% of the people I heard from, it was good to be reminded every day that I was there, and that someone wanted to know me.  Since I booted both accounts into oblivion, things have gotten quiet.

It's hard to fill the void. 

Sometimes I'm so frustrated at the people I've had in my life.  I'm pissed that they've put me into positions where I've had to cut them out of my life.  I keep whittling these bad people out, and I know that's a good thing for me in the big picture.  But sometimes it makes me feel very lonely. 

I had to return to the city where I lived with angry Ex on Saturday for the birthday party of a friend's 2 year old son.  I go out that way on occasion, but I stick to the periphery as a general rule, and that seems to  be okay.  But this time I had to drive through the city, and I found myself struck with paranoia about encountering the ex at a light or soemthing.  I was RIGHT outside his (once OUR) neighborhood, and it was alarming, quite honestly.  I felt nauseated by the proximity, and luckily, this was after the event, and not before.

The further I drove away from him, the better I felt.  Toxic.  He is toxic.  I'm angriest with him for putting this pit in my stomach that won't go away.  I had a dream this weekend and he was in it.  He's like a bad penny I can't get rid of.

Changing subjects....in the interest of trying to continually broaden my horizons a bit, I attended a movie meetup group on Friday night.  As usual, only a slim group of those who RSVPed actually showed up.  In this case, it was me and two guys.  Go figure!  We saw a really, spectacularly bad horror movie (#Hold Your Breath).  We capped off the night with a drink and appetizers/desserts at a nearby restaurant. 

I actually had a good time.  It was nice to meet a couple of new people, and to laugh about a shared experience, and to just be out and about.  I expect to attend more of these meetups because I often have a hard time finding people to go to scary movies with me, and this is a way to address that problem!  The guys said it was nice to have a new, female fan of horror movies, so I guess they don't see that TOO often.  ;-)

I also engaged in a little bit of therapeutic cleaning and organizing this weekend.  There's more to do, but I made some progress and that was nice.  We had this lovely, truly fallish weather and that pleased me so.  Yesterday at one point I was on the couch, with a banana nut bread candle burning, a blanket and a cat in my lap, with a hoodie on and football on TV.  Hello, fall!

I'm trying to fill the void.  I'm trying to do it the right way, instead of the easy way.  The wrong way.  It's hard.  I miss some of the people I shouldn't, and weekend nights are the most difficult to feel that lonely.  Sometimes it feels so huge and overwhelming, and then I'll have a random moment where I realize it's not a huge deal.  I'll get through it.  It's okay.  But sometimes those moments don't last.

I'm trying to figure out my way, but sometimes I don't know where to start.

Out of Order

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart: I am, I am, I am."
-Sylvia Plath

Nineteen months. 

It has been over nineteen months since the angry ex and I broke up.  Ninteen months since the end of the most unhealthy relationship I've ever had crumbled into a pile of rubble.  Nineteen months of time where I thought I'd been healing, rising from the ashes of the emotional destruction he wrought upon me.  Nineteen months of being wrong.

My marriage ended in divorce before we hit the seven year mark.  We were together nearly 11 years.  The unraveling of that relationship hurt deeply, but the aftershocks of it's implosion were different.  It was about learning to be on my own for the first time in my life.  It was about finding who I was as an individual.  It was about everything I knew coming apart at the seams.  It sparked a self-revolution, but it was a relatively quiet one.  A slow journey of discovery.

With M, the relationship after my divorce, that break up was just a matter of two people getting involved at highly emotionally volatile times in their lives, and the unsurprising clashes that caused.  The end of that relationship didn't make me question who I was.  It didn't cause some revelation about my own self-worth, or a crazy need to reinvent myself.  It just ended because it was supposed to.

My relationship with the angry ex was toxic.  Pure poison.  Sure, there were good times, but from the very beginning there was an insidious undercurrent that fostered insecurity in me like I'd never felt in my life, and I'd had many times of insecurity.  I was never enough.  I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't political enough, I wasn't brave enough, bold enough, thin enough, sexy enough.  I was perpetually inadequate in his eyes, and subsequently in my own.  I gave into defeat and didn't have the energy or strength to pull myself out. 

He walked all over my heart for almost two years, he mindfucked me, he took advantage of my kindness and devotion, and in the end he screwed me over...but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.  When the angry ex pushed me out of his life, first out of his home and then out of his heart, it was the kindest thing he'd ever done for me, even if he didn't know that.  Even if he never would have done it if he'd known that.

I've been trying to date off and on for 17 months or so.  I dated Artboy for a brief window in time.  I dated Baltimore for a couple of months.  I've had 3 date dalliances here and there, plus countless one off dates.  I've kissed people I wanted to kiss, and I've kissed people I didn't want to kiss because they caught me off guard.  I've made an inordinate amount of mistakes.  I've experienced huge, repeated errors in judgment.  I've acted impulsively and paid for it later.  I've let myself be taken advantage of emotionally, and I've sold myself so short, denied myself the self-respect I should possess, and spent too much time rationalizing bad behavior with unworthy people.

My heart isn't ready to date.  Sometimes I think I am, so I go through the motions.  It's easy to do when I am just racking up the silly stories and the funny anecdotes.  It's entertaining, it's a hobby, it's something to do.  But the second I meet someone who should be a real candidate, someone smart, well-spoken, sincere, successful, kind, attractive....I get turned off.  I want to run in the opposite direction, and you all know how I feel about running.

I went on a date last night with someone like this.  Had a good time.  Laughed.  Talked.  Flirted.  There was an attraction.  He gave me an innocent kiss goodnight after being very direct about liking me and wanting to see me again.  I got in my car and had to resist the urge to go tearing out of the parking lot, as far away as quickly as possible from him and the scene of the crime.

My heart is out of order.  It is not in working condition for dating.  I am tired of the bad dates, but I'm more worn out by the good ones, and the subsequent guilt I feel over slowly disengaging from them.  I'm tired of feeling like I want to throw up after "good" dates, of feeling waves of panic wash up about losing myself, about investing time and energy into something that may not work out, or that may hurt me.  I'm tired of wondering how I will not be enough this time, of wondering if my inclination about a temper or a personality is based on something real or if it's just my own angry ex baggage rearing its ugly head again.

Bottom line is I do not trust myself at all.  I don't trust my judgment.  I don't trust my taste.  I don't trust my heart.

I can't do this anymore.  I can't keep chasing something so hard that I'm apparently not even ready for.  I have to stop trying so hard, I have to stop pretending I'm that girl who wants a relationship.  I want the abstractions of a relationship.  The moments.  I want someone to cuddle with on the couch for a movie.  Someone to run an errand with.  Someone to text me something nice once in a blue moon.  But I want that someone to leave when I want them to leave.  To be okay with me needing a week of time to recover from spending two hours in close quarters.  Someone who magically knows when I want to hear from them and magically knows when I don't, and never crosses the line. 

I need space from this.  I need to let the pressure go.  I need to stop trying so hard.  I need to recognize the reality that I am just not ready.

Nineteen months is a long time.  It sounds like a long time.  It sounds like more than enough time to get over an asshole who was never really worthy of me in the first place, who hurt me so deeply and truly that I feel like I have an angry ex-shaped scar on my heart.  However, appearances can be deceiving.  Time can lie.  We can even lie to ourselves.  Eventually, though, the truth comes through, and I have to own my truth.  I have to know that it's okay that I'm not ready yet.  I need to allow myself to heal on my own time, and not punish myself for going off schedule.  For not being where I think I should be.  For not being able to unshoulder all of this just yet.

I don't think I'm irretrievably broken.  I'm just out of order. 

Dating profiles deleted.  Not hidden.  Not deactivated.  Deleted.  Now is not the right time.

Rain brings out the scary fish

I just got a message from a Bail Bondsman who cage fights in his spare time.  HUH?

Furthermore, he's separated and doesn't watch any sports except for MMA.  We are not soulmates.

Also?  His muscles scare me.