of desired kisses and thoughts that won't sink

"Cause all I think about is why
The skin I'm in feels ordinary
The things that you might like
Don't grow inside of me"
-Skin Graph by Silversun Pickups

I had a date tonight.  I liked him.  A lot.  He was 100x cuter in person.  Gorgeous smile.  Instant attraction.

How much do we want to bet that I don't hear from him again?

This, my dears, is my fate.  I go out on 20 dates and don't spark with anyone, but they almost always want to see me again.  Then I go out on one more date, one I actually ponder bailing on because I am feeling so jaded and annoyed.  I even grumble as I walk to our meeting spot, wondering why he couldn't suggest something closer to the Metro.

Then I went in and we drank water and talked, at a bar, LOL.  And he made me play a game of pool, and let me tell you, I am worse than awful.  It was shameful.  He wasn't much good either, but as he told me, he would take his shallow ego boosts where he could get them.  ;-)

Damn, damn, double damn.  I have a bad feeling about this.  I really liked him.  I want to see him again.  Thusly, I will probably never hear from him again.  I think I was actually more nervous on this date than him.  I don't recall the last time that happened.  Mutual nerves, sure.  Other side nerves, me calm, yup.  Me increasingly self-aware as the date progressed, me over analyzing every word and gesture 30 seconds after we hugged goodbye and parted ways?  So not a comfortable position to be in.

I looked good.  I felt good.  We laughed.  We talked.  But why do I have this unsinkable feeling he will now drop out of my world?  I've gotten used to chatting with him everyday.  Now that we've finally met, I could let down some of the barriers, which just means flirting more without fear of flirting with someone I'm not actually attracted to.

I would like to kiss this man.  Yup.  More importantly, I would like to sink these thoughts in my head.  Sink, doomsday bluemoon thoughts, sink.

Reality check ftw!

Just as I finished posting my wallowing, moaning, boo hoo post from this morning,  I got some needed perspective.  My stepdad has been unemployed for 4 months, as he was laid off from a job that he loved.  He was there for a little over a year, and found THAT job after being laid off from one other brief job (a couple of months) and prior to that, a job he'd had for probably 20 years.  As I'm sure everyone knows, finding work at 56 years old isn't the easiest thing in the world.  It's been stressing my mom out incredibly, and my stepdad is just depressed when he can't work.

Well, my mom emailed this morning and he got a job.  :-)  He interviewed yesterday, they checked his references last night and called him in this morning and offered him the job.  He starts monday and he's making the same salary he did at the most recent job. 

This makes my morning! Also, makes me feel like kind of a jackass for bitching and moaning like I was. 

Perspective, it's useful.

In other, non-wallowing news, I have yet another date tonight.  Expectations are in check, LOL.  We've been talking a lot for a couple of weeks, but it's been very surface level most of the time, lots of joking and goofing around.  Will be interesting to see how it translates in person!  We're meeting after work, so it could either be a quick drink and home or maybe, if I'm very, very lucky, a little longer of an event.  We shall see!

Rest of the weekend is sort of planned, sort of not.  Tomorrow I'm meeting a group of friends, most of whom I haven't seen in ages, for lunch and miniature golf, which should be fun.  :-)  Sunday I have maybe plans to venture to Annapolis to see an author I love, Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess. She's doing a reading and book signing at 2 at a B&N out there, so I may just check it out.  I really wanted to go to a Nationals game this weekend, but thus far I have no takers.  Why does no one else like these games like I do?  They're so fun!  Yes, I'm being serious.  :-)

Final note:  I bought a dress last night.  I stopped at Pentagon City mall on the way home and found this dress I am madly, madly in love with.  It is black and white and ADORABLE and it looks awesome with my red heels.  LOVE! 

That is all I know for now.  :-)

I can't win

So lately I've been really, really missing the presence of a dog in my life.  I miss my own dog so badly, every single day.  I miss her wagging tail, her constant happiness to see me, and I miss the presence of a companion like a dog.  I love my cats more than anything, but it's simply not the same. 

I thought it would be a long, long time before I would consider getting another dog.  I'd told myself that maybe in a year, when my car was paid off.  Trade one large expense for one hopefully much more reasonable one.  I figured that would give me a year of time to recover from the loss of my baby.  A year to be the person I couldn't be without a dog:  the one who goes out after work without worrying about a dog walker.  The one who can go out of town unexpectedly if wanted.  The one who can spend all night out and about and not feel guilty about it.

But then I started hanging around dogs again.  Dogs of friends.  Puppies.  Adults.  In betweens.  Big dogs, small dogs.  And I miss it.  I miss it fiercely.  I miss the routine of it.  I miss the unconditional love.  I miss the comfort dogs offer. 

So.  I started sneaking glances at animal shelters online.  Checking out local dogs up for adoption.  Just looking a little bit.  Then I actually followed up about a couple yesterday.  My stomach did flip flops while I did all of this, and when the contact person for one of the dogs got in touch last night, I was nervous.  I felt like I was cheating on my dog somehow.  Like getting another dog would overshadow her memory.

I went through the phone interview.  It's a shelter with a pretty thorough process.  She asked me a lot of questions about what I was looking for in a dog, and about the environment the dog would come into.  She asked about how long I'm away from home each day, and I told her the truth.  I leave at about 7:15 and get back about 6:15.  It's a long day.

I'd never really thought about it.  My dog was older and slept a ton, and so the long days weren't an issue for her.  Anytime before she got really senior like that I'd lived with someone, usually someone who was home more often and could take her out and break up the monotony of the day.  But now it's just me.  It's just me and my stupidly long day, mostly because of my commute.

My work day is 7.5 hours.  But I'm gone for about 11 because of my commute in and out of the city.  I can't change it.  The most I could do is take a bus to the Metro about 15-20 minutes later in the morning, but that would mean no stops before work for coffee or oatmeal, and if Metro glitches, I'm definitely late.  Not ideal.  I absolutely can't do anything about my arrival time after work as I bustle out of here as it is, and still can't get home before 6:05 at the earliest.  It is what it is.

I'm frustrated.  I know it's irrational, but I feel like this is just another way the world is punishing me for being single.  Because I'm alone, because it's just me and I have a job in the city and I live in the suburbs and I don't want a random roommate as a 33 year old adult, I am not an ideal dog owner.  If I was better off financially I could change this because I could swing a dog walker every day, but I can't.  Okay, I probably could if I budgeted for it, and especially once my car is paid off I could.  But in the meantime, not easy.

Sometimes it just feels like I am not enough on my own for anything.  I'm not present enough or wealthy enough or accommodating enough to be a good caretaker for a dog because my life isn't wrapped up in a nice little box of my own design.  Really, can't I just have this one thing and not have it be contingent on needing someone else?

There are so many dogs out there that need a home and need the love that I have to offer, and yet I feel like my hands are tied because I am only one person.  Maybe I really am just better off tabling this for a year.  Then I will have a chunk of money freed up to go towards a monthly dog walking package, and I won't feel like I am in inadequate dog person for having the life I do.

I just hate the idea that everything I want in life has to be put on hold for this vague hope of finding someone to move forward with.  I shouldn't get a dog until I have someone else to be around to help me take care of it.  I shouldn't buy a home because what if the person I meet has a home and one of us has to get rid of it.  I should be the changeable one, the temporary one, the one who relocates my life and preferences and desires for someone else, LIKE I ALWAYS HAVE. 

What about what I want?  What about the fact that I'm tired of waiting on the what ifs?  What if there is no what if?  What if I am just destined to be alone for a month? A year?  Five years?  Do I really want to keep putting my life on hold for the possibility of something better?

I don't need to buy a place right now.  I'm generally okay with waiting on that one.  But damn, I want a dog.  Now, or in six months or a year, I want a dog, and I don't want to feel like I am not enough to do that on my own.

Sometimes I just want to give in to the hand I've been dealt.  The one where I rent indefinitely, throwing thousands of dollars away.  The one where I am not suited to be a dog person anymore.  The one where I am beholden to no one and nothing, where I go out just because I can and I don't come back sometimes just because I don't have to.  The one where I'm single so screw it, I can do whatever I want.  No one can tell me what to do or suggest I grow my hair out or make me go to awkward work functions I don't want to go to, or make me feel bad about watching too much junk TV on a weekend, or having ice cream for dinner. 

I want to do everything I couldn't do if I had the life I think I want in my head., the life of being in a happy relationship, in a home I love with a dog I love and my cats wrestling around.  If I'm alone and accountable to no one, then I can kiss all the strangers I want, I can go out and drive for 3 hours and go nowhere.  I can go on 20 dates in a month and not give a damn about any of them, or I can be a recluse for a month and not give a damn about that either. 

Times like this make me feel reckless and unmoored.  I can't get anything I want by doing everything theoretically right, so I may as well just do everything blatantly wrong. 

Boy, this post turned into something else.  I guess I am even more frustrated than I realized. 

Sigh.

Dubious flattery

Is it wrong to feel secretly flattered by tactless men who check you out with no semblance of decorum?  It made me feel better because the pair were actually quite normal looking, not dirty nor scary seeming.  Just a couple of fellows on a bus bench who swiveled their heads at me this morning as I deboarded the bus they were waiting for.  This was before I even had changed from my flat commuting sandals into my heels, ha. Hey, I'm a single girl who hasn't had a productive date in awhile, I'll take what I can get.  ;-)

I got my hair highlighted and cut last night, so I left the salon feeling like a million bucks, which was awesome.  I swear my new Turkish hair boyfriend is the most efficient stylist ever, as my appointment was at 5:15 and I was out of there by 6:30!  I am now rocking some sunkissed hair, a shaped up cut and a beautiful blowout.  Happy thursday to me!

When I got home I ran into a neighbor and got to see her adorable little boy who always has the biggest smile for me, and who held my hand to say hi.  So adorable.  I then went out to Ulta to purchase some shampoo and conditioner for my highlighted hair, and I left with a set of those items that smell DIVINE.  I'm excited to wash my hair.  :-)  I also got some dry shampoo to try, as I am all for anything that will extend my blowout by another day!

I decided to wear a dress today, just because.  It's thursday and it's another day without a headache, and that makes it a good day.  I accidentally had a caffeinated coffee yesterday and felt a small headache coming on, but I drank a ton of water to try to flush it out and felt much better.  I think I've been overdoing it on the caffeine lately, which for me has meant one caffeinated thing a day.  I'd gotten so good before about only doing it once a week or so, but I've since fallen off the wagon. 

In other news, I just got a message from an online dating fellow with the delightful username of "Darkbutter4u".  This is my life, folks.  :-D

looking backwards when I want to go forward

So I had Thursday, Friday and Monday off for my trip back home to visit the family and friends.  It was an excellent trip.  I packed lots of fun in there, and managed to see everyone.  I came back to DC monday morning and was looking forward to a lackadaiscal afternoon at home.  Instead, I got smacked across the face with a god-awful, mind-crushing migraine.  It persevered through most of Tuesday, too.  Cheers?

I returned to work today expecting a mountain of work at the ready, but I found a molehill instead.  It ended up being surprisingly slow, so I found my mind wandering a bit this afternoon over lunch.  I spent my break eating my meal and indulging in the misguided task of reading old Livejournal entries from a couple of years ago.  Sigh.

Why do I do these things to myself?  I spent a chunk of time reading from the honeymoon period of my relationship with the most recent ex.  I gushed. I raved.  I swooned.  I documented all the sweet things he'd said to me, many of which I'd forgotten entirely.  I relived the intense highs through those journal entries, wondering where we'd gone wrong.  Then, sneakily, private posts started creeping into that LJ path of happiness.  Vents.  Frustrations.  Concerns.  I posted them mostly to myself, and then the next day I'd write some soppy, lovey post about the other cute thing he'd said, or the nice thing he'd done, or the cutesy, couply bullshit we indulged in all the time, apparently.

Perspective is weird.  Knowing where it all ended up is weird.  Knowing how much hurt was to come, knowing how much those happy moments and sweet declarations just didn't really matter in the end.  I read the entries with a deflated, sick sense in my stomach.  I doubted my feelings as I read them....had I really ever felt that happy with him?  Or had I been tricking myself?  That's an answer I don't have.

Once we were happy, and I had hope, and we had plans and we expected to be together.  I thought I would marry him.  And then it all went to hell, and now we don't even talk.  He has moved on, and I am here, having...moved on?  I guess.  Not with someone, but in general, I suppose. 

I am feeling off today.  Must find a way to recalibrate. 

I can read anything I want into anything

Same Mistakes by The Echo Friendly

I make the same mistakes
feels like I never learn
Always give way too much
for little in return
I haven't changed a bit
I'm still not over it
I make the same mistakes
I make the same mistakes

I never did grow up
feels like I never will
my friends are all adults
I'm still a teenage girl
I haven't changed a bit
I'm still not over it
I make the same mistakes
I make the same mistakes

My friends are all a drag
they think I'm such a freak
they want to go to bed
I want to stay up late
walking the streets alone
thinking of you 'til dawn
I make the same mistakes
I make the same mistakes

Soliciting Opinions

So the date happened last night.  I'm too lazy to think up a clever nickname, so we shall call him JD because those are his initials and its easy.

I'll do a full recap later, but for now, a question that he asked me.  This guy is 42 years old to my 34 (basically, I turn 34 in late June).  He's never been married, nor engaged.  He's lived with a girlfriend before, but it was a long time ago in college.  He's had relationships that last around 2 years.

He asked me during the course of our conversation last night if the fact that he hadn't been married at that age was a red flag.

I told him my honest opinion, which is that it depends on the circumstances, but in general, no.  He's had relationships that lasted a couple of years, he had the opportunity to get married, but didn't ultimately feel those people were the right fit.  I don't see that as a red flag.

Other people are more skeptical and do see that as more of a red flag.

What say you?

Forgive my lack of enthusiasm and blah demeanor.  I woke up with a migraine and took one of my magic pills.  Headache is gone, but my brain is very fuzzy, and my body feels very heavy and weary.  I'm still in here, just need a bit for this to wear off!

Anyway, opinions asked for and appreciated!

Sabotage!

The laundry facilities in my building are sabotaging me! 

So, for the first time since college, I live somewhere that does not have an in-unit W/D.  There is a communal laundry room one floor down from me that I share with maybe 9 other apartments.  The machines require use of an electronic card.  The card can only be loaded with cash, and the machine to load the card is in the leasing office, which is open from 8am-6pm.  I catch my morning bus to work at 7:15 and I get home about 6:15.  Thusly, I can only ever load my laundry card on Saturdays, as they are closed on Sundays.  I meant to do it last Saturday, but spent the day running around and went to load it at about 5:45, thinking they closed at 6.  Nope.  On Saturdays they close at 5. Brilliant!

So all of my cutest clothes are dirty, I'm about out of clean gym clothes, and my bedding is so overdue for a wash, mostly due to the stupid cat fur I CANNOT AVOID.  Yes, yes, I know, these are first world problems, but it is annoying nonetheless.  My pool of clothes to choose from for my date and for a farewell happy hour for a friend tomorrow is greatly diminished.

In other news, I started Weight Watchers one week ago today.  I did it before, several years ago, and lost about 15 pounds.  I remember, and know that in general, most people lose a lot the first week, then it levels out.  That's what happened to me the first time around.  Well, I hope that's not the case this time around, because if my "big" loss is 1.8 pounds, I am going to be pissed.  Super frustrated that I've gone to the gym 6 out of the last 7 days and eaten seriously probably 1/2 of what I was eating before, and I didn't even lose a full two pounds.  WHAT.THE.EFF.

I will persevere, anyway, because I know this is a better way for me to live regardless.  Having a tangible reason to get my sorry self to the gym is a good thing, and being aware of what I'm eating is good, too.  I'm drinking more  water, eating more fruits & vegetables and eating less crap.  PROGRESS, damn it.  ;-) 

Last night I *ALMOST* skipped the gym.  I laid around all night after making a really good dinner of chicken sauteed in olive oil with broccoli, green beans, red peppers and zucchini over some brown rice.  Finally, at about 10:30 I decided to go after all, even if only for a shorter stint.  I got caught up talking to a neighbor for a bit, so I didn't get to the gym until 11.  I did 30 minutes of cardio and left, so yeah, not my best workout, but 30 minutes is better than none.  :-)

This post is incredibly boring, so I may try for another, less asinine one later today.  Also, I promise to not carry on and on about exercise and diet and points.  Not the kind of blog I'm going for, but I figure one every great now and again is allowed.  I'd much prefer this blog to be full of self-indulgent, neurotic ramblings about the "joys" of dating.  ;-)

I need an internet smack

Someone please, please smack the shallow out of me.  Please. 

I have a date tomorrow with the new guy, and I so do NOT want to sabotage this over something stupid racing around in my head.  Right now, he seems:  well spoken.  intelligent.  funny.  flirtatious, but in an appropriate way.  close to his family.  interested in learning more about me each time we speak.  polite.  thoughtful.  compassionate.  inquisitive.  honest.  I don't know if this is truly how he is, but it's all I have to work off right now, and it's all good.

I am so tired of hearing myself bitch about someone wearing a hat all the time, or how short they are, or how dorky, or anything else of the sort.  I need to remember that, while I think I am quite awesome, much of my awesome derives from an internal source, and I may not be everyone's cup of tea appearance wise.  I would hope that someone would give me some room to grow on them even if at first I didn't strike their fancy, so I must, must reciprocate that which I would like to have. 

I also need to remind myself that everyone I've ever loved has become more and more attractive to me the more I know them.  Someone who may have been blah to the rest of the world was the sexiest thing ever to me, and I never knew any different, or cared.  And on the contrary, people whom I've known and initially thought were incredibly attractive have gotten progressively less so as I've seen the dark side to their personalities, or learned how selfish or mean or negative they are.  It is all relative.

It is time for me to grow up and recognize that having a true intellectual and emotional connection with someone who is respectful, smart, funny and kind is 1000x more important than a few cheap laughs and flirtation with someone I'm instantly smitten by, but who treats me like a sidenote, an afterthought, or just as less than I deserve.

I don't remember the last time I was this anxious about a date.  I had half a thought to just not mention it until after it was over, to avoid building it up even more, but I can't help myself.  Trying to get the crazy out in advance so that maybe I will be less troubled by it tomorrow night. 

Oh, I wear myself out.  Do you ever wish you could turn off your brain just to have a breather for a bit? 

Bury it down, down in the ground

Yesterday was one of those days.  I got to work and within 15 minutes spilled coffee all over everything.  In the afternoon I stood up abruptly and cracked my head against one of the upper cabinets on my desk.  Last night I'd composed a big, long email response to Thursday date guy, and I lost it.  It was a trifecta of specific upsets, but really, they were just the practical framework for a day that was truly just maddening.

I got incredibly worked up and upset on two different occasions, both of them related to exes.  The details are unimportant.  I found myself boiling over with frustration, the kind where I wished I still had my Wavemaster to kick and punch at will.  The day wrapped up and I headed home, knowing that I needed to channel my energy elsewhere. 

My evening went out of order, in that I took a bath when I got home, and then I went to the gym.  Whatever works, right?  Either way, the gym was such a good outlet.  I pounded away on the elliptical trainer for 70 minutes, which was a record of sorts.  I was in the zone, so I just kept going.  It felt good and cleansing and therapeutic.  I left feeling lighter and less burdened by the day. 

Back at home, I thought about the baggage I carry around from these exes.  The feeling that I'm not good enough.  Not pretty enough.  Not smart enough.  Not strong enough.  Not independent enough.  Not exciting enough.  Not thin enough.  I thought about how many times in recent months I'd felt inadequate.  I'd examined and analyzed and quantified the relationships they'e all gotten in after me. 

I thought things like:
He found someone prettier.
He found someone skinnier.
He found someone who makes more money.
He found someone sexier.
He found someone with whom he was willing to compromise when he wouldn't for me.
He found someone worth changing for when he wouldn't for me.
He found someone whose faults he's willing to overlook, which he wouldn't do for me.
He found someone who keeps his interest, when I didn't.

Then.  The one ex-boyfriend who never made me feel less than contacted me.  He'd seen a glum status message on FB or gmail or something, so he asked if I was okay.  It was late and I was tired so I honestly answered him that I was trying to figure out why I wasn't enough for anyone.

Then he did something that pissed me off.  He told me very bluntly to quit obsessing about this.  That I did it too often.  That it was unhealthy and unnecessary.  That I should focus on the fact that I am enough, I am awesome, I am good enough in my own right, no matter what anyone else says or does.  He was brusque and frustrated with me, and I got pissed.  How dare he rain on my pity party?  Such nerve he had to try to rein in my wallowing and self-destructive thoughts.

It was only in the next couple of days that I realized he was right, which was maddening.  One of his most obnoxious traits has always been his know it all attitude, so it's really disturbing when he turns out to be right. 

I am not a victim.  I am not inadequate.  I am not insufficient, or incapable.  I am not ugly or a failure or less than, unless I allow myself to be. 

It is too easy to get caught up in the negative.  It is too easy to internalize things that assholes have said to me in the past to assuage their own guilt, or to escape their own insecurities or inadequacies.  It is too easy to be manipulated into thinking things are my fault when I am vulnerable and self-doubting in the first place. 

The choices my exes are making now, after me, are not relevant to my life.  They are not a reflection on me.  The world does not revolve around me, and it's good to be reminded of that.  I will never truly know the paths they are taking because all I see is what they choose to let me see.  Bottom line?  It is NOT.MY.PROBLEM. 

Sometimes I wish I could just gather all tangible evidence of these people from my past and get rid of it.  Burn it.  Bury it.  Trash it.  Destroy it.  Tear it up, throw it in the air, watch it symbolically blow away, out of my life.  I don't want it anymore.  I want a fresh start. A clean slate.  A blank canvas.  A pure place to begin again.

I'm actually considering a way to do this in real life.  To exorcise some of these demons.  Finding a way to really ritually purge some of this baggage is intriguing to me.  I've thought about all sorts of things.  I've thought about getting my third tattoo to symbolize this new stage.  I've thought about burning or destroying actual items, and I've thought about burning words written for that purpose.  Putting this all down on paper and letting it go.  I've thought about trying my hand at painting, which I know logically I would be terrible at, but I imagine how therapeutic it would be.  The colors.  The ambiguity.  The options.  I've thought about selling or trading in all of the jewelry from these exes.  Donating my wedding dress. 

I'm open to suggestions.  How should I exorcise these insecurities and the weight that I still carry from these failed relationships?  I know there is no actual cure all for this.  This is more of a symbolic exercise, a step in the right direction.  I have to keep moving forward.  I cannot keep getting dragged backwards.  I'm tired of just saying "Onward and upward".  I want to actually live it!

Suggestion box is open.  If you would like to participate, that's welcome, too.  ;-)