Anything Could Happen

I stole the title of my post from a song I'm currently hooked on, which is Ellie Goulding's "Anything Could Happen".  It's happy, light and hopeful, and that seems like a good way to close out 2012 and open the door to 2013.

2012 has been a very interesting year for me.  If you'd asked me on December 31, 2011 if I thought that I'd still be single one year later, I would probably have laughed at you.  Me?  Single for over a year and a half?  No way.  But here I am, and the world still turns, and I'm still moving forward. 

I was a relationship person for my entire adult life.  I jumped from the end of one into the beginning of another, never allowing myself anytime to breathe or grow individually.  I was in love with the idea of being in love, and dependent on it in many ways.  I needed that connection and companionship and title to feel complete.

There is something amazing about being happy on your own.  Something liberating.  Empowering.  Emboldening.  Something that dances inside and makes you feel like a true superstar.  I am responsible for my own happiness.  I am not reliant on anyone else to make me feel good about myself. 

Also?  If on 12/31/11 you'd asked me what I saw in my physical fitness future, I would have shrugged and said that hopefully I'd get into a routine of going to the gym a few times a week.  Meh.  Never in a million years did I expect to be this person who goes to the gym 5-6 times a week on my own, plus meets with a personal trainer twice a week.  A person who finds joy in sore muscles because it means I'm doing something right, a person who works to up the intensity on the machines as I'm able, who pushes harder and pedals faster and focuses on my breathing and my form and my water intake to better equip my body for the challenges I throw at it. 

People compliment my legs.  How my butt looks in my jeans, LOL.  My arms.  My overall fitness.  I can stand in front of a mirror in my bra and underwear and not see just a pile of flaws.  Now I see improvement.  Little muscles.  Opportunity for more.  I can imagine having legit abs, tight legs, toned arms.  I can put on a pair of jeans that I couldn't have even looked at a year ago and know that I look awesome.  I can put on a pair of jeans that I had to wear by default last year and know that they basically look ridiculous on me now.  I have earned that.

This year has brought big changes for me, but the subtle kind.  No marriages, divorces, breakups, moves, job changes.  Just the small waves that trickle into every corner of my world, making it better to live in. 

Cheers to 2012, the year of a beginning of positive changes.  I look forward to 2013 with great anticipation, and I know it will be a year of continued growth, goals and experiences.  I <3 my life.
:-)

(Anti)Social Butterfly

Is it wrong that I want to forsake all social plans for New Year's Eve and just go home after work (Boo!), order Chinese food and stay in???

I never committed to any plans, but I've been invited to a couple of different things, as well ast there being a multitude of meetup events for the groups I belong to waiting at the ready.  I just don't think I want to spend my night out at a bar, or a house party, or anywhere but my apartment.  Am I broken?  :-)

Christmas was hectic.  I traveled back to my hometown, I was super busy and didn't even get to see any of my friends.  I got back later than planned due to flight delays, then I spent the afternoon and evening running errands and going to the gym for my workout.  I'm back at work today and it is eerily quiet in the office.  I'll be back again tomorrow, and on Monday (serious Boo!), though we will supposedly close early. 

I just think of New Year's Eve in my head, and I think of Chinese food, pajamas, maybe a marathon of some TV show, and me at home alone when midnight strikes.  I don't want to dress up and play at the bar/meat market.  I don't want to be social with strangers. 

This is what I did last year, too.  Last year I was invited to half a dozen different New Year's events, and none of them sounded like how I wanted to spend my evening.  I spent it at home solo instead, and while I may have had a small pang of regret at midnight, ultimately I was fine.  Life goes on, the year ticks forward.

Restless Friday

So it's finally friday!  It's been a long, hectic week, but now holiday fun times are almost here.  :-) 

Today at work is pretty quiet with a lot of people already out to start their holidays early.  I've had a fairly busy morning, but it has made the time pass quickly!  Once the work day ends, I will be heading home to go to the gym.  I want to get that checked off my list before I go out to finish up my shopping.  Luckily, there are no malls involved in my shopping plans, so I'm less frightened!  I just have a couple of things to get to finish, and once I'm done I'm coming home to power through some DVR and relax.

Tomorrow I have maybe plans with a friend (need to verify!), I want to go to the gym, paint my nails in a nice festive manner and then get packed.  I will probably head out for my flight around 3pm.  Then begins the holiday travel and festivities! 

I wish everyone a happy holiday, a Merry Christmas, a wonderful everything!  :-)

Tis The Season

So yeah, the holiday season brings lots of things along with it when it rolls into town.  Parties, luncheons, shopping for others, sometimes snow, lots of baked delights.  Sometimes, though, something else sneaks in and hides among all of the good things...

Angry Ex emailed me yesterday.  My stomach lurched to a halt when I saw his name pop up in my inbox.  He'd emailed from his work account, thus bypassing my filter that sends anything from his personal email straight to my trash.  Figures.

It was his usual woe is me starter email.  He knows that historically I'm a sucker for a sad story.  He tells me he got offered his dream job, but then the offer was rescinded when he failed the background check.  Then he carries on about how screwed up his family is and how he's cut contact with them as a result.  In closing he tells me that he doesn't really expect a reply, but because he has so few friends and now family, he thought he would reach out.

So.

Are you KIDDING ME?  I double checked, and he's still with the same girl he hooked up with about 3 months after our breakup.  Yet Christmas rolls around and he's seeking me out again?  It had been over six months since he'd bothered me, and it was glorious, and now he has to pop up out of nowhere to try and pull me back in?

I'm not falling for it this time.  I'm not interested.  I deleted it.  I created a new filter to send anything from this work address straight to the trash, too.  It took me forever and a day, but I'm finally done getting manipulated into seemingly innocuous situations that always, always turn dark sooner than later.  It is no longer my job to be his therapist/friend/sympathetic shoulder/whipping girl.

Subtracting the Angry Ex from my world again, moving forward with his email where it belongs: in the trash.

Bite Size Happiness

Yesterday when I got home from work I was greeted by an Amazon.com package at my doorstep.  I knew it would be there since I'd been following the tracking, but I still love the little jolt of pleasure of seeing a package at my door.  :-)  It was two books I'd ordered the other day, one as a gift and one for myself.  Every now and again I get the urge to buy a real book.  I love my Kindle Fire, but sometimes I like to go old school.   Anyway, a day where you get two books delivered is a good day in my book of life!

I got a good workout last night at the gym, but was pretty sore from my training session the night before.  I came home and took a relaxing bath with epsom salts and it felt very decadent and lovely.  Afterwards I sprawled out on the couch with my electric throw blanket, and I was quickly joined by my two cats, who love me, but adore the blanket.  ;-)  We watched Survivor on DVR, as well as some other randomness. 

Today I'm at work trying to be productive, but feeling distracted.  I feel like I'm on the verge of my holidays starting.  Holiday party tonight, A Christmas Carol on Sunday, gift shopping this weekend (mostly online!), maybe doing Christmas cards (maybe!), and I definitely need to get started on my Christmas movie watching.  A Christmas Story, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Home Alone, and I still have A Charlie Brown Christmas waiting for me on my DVR.  I also hope to catch Scrooged on TV at some point! 

I leave in about 2 hours for my hair appointment, so shortly after that I will have smooth, shiny hair (with a deep conditioning treatment thrown in as a promotion!).  My dress is hanging on the back of my door, my heels are beneath my desk, my earrings are in a desk drawer.  My party purse and other accessories are in my bag, just waiting patiently for the end of the work day.  Hopefully today I also get my letter telling me my raise and bonus amounts.  I'm hopeful for a good Thursday.  :-)

12-12-12

Today is a Wednesday that feels like a Thursday.  I am listening to Christmas music at work, more specifically the soundtrack from my hometown theater company's production of "A Christmas Carol".  They have a traveling caravan that is visiting Baltimore on Sunday, and I am super excited to have bought tickets for this very show.  It will be a little taste of my hometown right here!

I painted my nails this morning for tomorrow's holiday party.  They are glittery and sparkly and rather entrancing to me!  I found adorable, awesome new earrings to wear with my ensemble, and I can't wait to wear them.  I am indecisive about tights/hose versus bare legs for the event, and will likely decide tomorrow evening when I don my dress!  This morning I'm going to make an appointment for a blowout, and then all I have to do is wait.  :-)

Tonight should be a good night, nonetheless.  I need to get a good workout at the gym, do a load of laundry, watch Survivor (yes, it's true) and do a few random primping things.  Last night I had a session with my trainer.  It was outside on a field at a local high school.  It involved multiple stair runnings, sprints and various exercises in between.  It was truly a challenging workout, but I remain impressed that I can even do sprints at all. 

I have to say that I'm getting pretty excited to go home for the holidays.  I'll only be in town from later on Saturday evening, December 22 until very early December 26, but I know I will pack all sorts of goodness into those few days.  :-)  I'm hoping to get a chance to catch up with my girlfriends while I'm in town, even if I have to do it separately to accommodate schedules!  There will also be cookie baking with my family, Christmas Eve at my grandfather's with my mom and stepdad, and Christmas Day with the same group plus my brother and his fiancee.  I'll be spending Saturday night at my brother's house so I foresee a Christmas toast (probably), a Christmas movie (definitely) and generalized silliness on the horizon. 

I have a lot to do next week to prepare since I haven't done much holiday shopping yet.  However, my list is small and easy, so I imagine I can get it done in about an hour online when I'm ready.  ;-)  I have a feeling next week at work is going to feel very long because of the anticipation!

P.S.: I don't want you

So on Friday night at holiday party #1, I had a great time.  I felt lovely and sparkly and pretty, and it was good to see friends old and new.  One of these friends was a co-worker I hadn't seen in many months.  Nice guy.  We talked a lot and ended up at the same table for most of the night. 

Now for the record, I'm a flirtatious person by nature.  Add in a version of me that feels extra pretty and sparkly, and I'm even more so a flirt.  So I was probably flirting with him a little, but it was all innocuous. 

Well, at some point, he started putting his hand on my back every time we walked to get food or drinks.  Umm, huh?  I started spending more time away from our table after that because I wasn't into it.  We danced in a group later on, but never just on our own, I made sure of that.

On Sunday a mutual friend texted me and told me that this guy was asking for my number, and was it okay to give it to him.  "Nope!" I replied quickly.  I thanked him for checking, and shook my head.

Can a girl seriously not just flirt with someone in a totally harmless manner without a guy misconstruing it as interest?  I was a social butterfly that evening, he was just one of the flowers I alighted upon.  AHEM, sir:  I'm not interested in you romantically.  You don't need my phone number. 

More and more, the older I get and the more I do this whole dating thing, the more I realize that so many of the stereotypes foisted upon women are things that men are just as guilty of.  In my world lately, men are the desperate ones, searching wildly for commitment and men are the over eager ones misconstruing simple flirting for interest. 

This Bluemoon does not need to fall in love with every person she flirts with.  She doesn't need to feign interest in every nice person who expresses interest.  She can dance with who she wants to dance with and go home alone and the world continues to turn, just as it did before.  :-)

Oh, bother

So for the last few weeks, I was trying something out.  Rather, I was trying *someone* out. 

Has there ever been a food you didn't like, but that you kept trying again to see if your tastes changed?  Probably it's one of those things that most people like, that you logically KNOW is good for you, but no matter how many times you try it, your mouth is still bored or just turned off?

That's what happened to me.  I met this guy in mid-November.  We got together probably 6-7 times over the course of the next few weeks.  We kissed.  I won't even say we made out because honestly, it never got that involved.  He's great on paper.  He's cute, he has bright blue eyes.  He owns a house, he has a good job, he used to be in the military, he's close to his family. 

But it just didn't work.  At first I was hopeful.  He was so sweet and sincere, but was also pretty funny and very gentlemanly.  However, the more we hung out, the more things started to prickle at me about him.  Every time we parted ways he told me "Don't be a stranger". 

Today I finally had to give up on the whole thing.  It wasn't clicking.  It stopped clicking awhile ago.  I preferred being alone to his company.  I got tired of his late habit of calling me "buddy".  I began to wonder if he actually had any friends, as I don't think he's mentioned doing a single social thing since we started talking.  Not one.  :-/

Great on paper, not great for me.  I'm good with that.  I am surprising myself by not feeling nostalgic about missing out on a relationship for the holidays.  I am continually surprised by how happy I am doing my own thing, by how happy I am alone. 

If the right one comes along, maybe I'll be ready and willing to give up more of my "me" time.  Maybe I won't feel resentful, or smothered, or annoyed.  Maybe the puzzle piece will just fit better, and I won't be trying to force it because I "should" want a boyfriend or because my mom is desperate for me to pair up, or because I need some solid man type to kiss on New Year's Eve. 

Some things, some foods, some people, are just not my taste, and no matter how much I try to change it, to re-train my (dating) palate, the plain truth remains....if you have to force it, it's probably not right, anyway.  :-)

Revenge is a dish best served in a hot little dress

I officially started working out with my trainer on August 28th.  Thusfar I've lost 13 pounds, 5 inches off my waist, and smaller amounts off my thighs and biceps.  My body is leaner, tighter and stronger than it's ever been.  I'm not done yet, but in general I feel like a badass.  People compliment my toned arms, tell me my legs look nice.  I even had one friend tell me my abs looked good, which is true, relative to where I started, LOL. 

When I used to date angry Ex, he gave me this incredible, huge complex about my body.  I wasn't in good shape when we started dating, and I got in worse shape as our relationship progressed.  He remains the scariest person I know.  I feel lucky that he has not tried to contact me since May, and I would be thrilled if it stayed that way indefinitely.  He is toxic and awful and mean and he is a mindfucker. 

But.

I can't help but think about him sometimes when I'm looking in the mirror after a workout, or taking a progress picture, or running on the treadmill at the gym.  I think about all of the work I've done, and how far I've come, and how I've done it all on my own, for me.  No quick tricks, no easy magic pills, just hard work, six days a week.  And then this little part of me wishes he could see me now.

I wish he could see what I've made of myself, and see that this is something he will never, ever have, and was never deserving of in the first place.

I'm a little selfish and evil right now.  I have these two holiday parties coming up.  Tomorrow is the party at my old firm, and I'm wearing this lovely velvet dress I've had for years, but that I recently had shortened to a more flattering length.  I have fun bronze heels to pair with it, and I've timed my most recent haircutr tomorrow so I can get a fun blowout to go with it.  Night time makeup, some pretty jewelry and I'm good to go.

Next Thursday is my current firm's party.  To that party I'm going a bit bolder.  I'm wearing a dress I've never worn in front of anyone but Artboy before.  I bought it and wore it with him one time many months ago, and I remember feeling so scandalous, so exposed.  The thing is, its not a scandalous dress.  It's shorter.  It's fitted.  It hugs in all the right places, but it's classy and pretty and lovely.  It's black with some decorative metallic work on the shoulders.  I've got some cute heels to go with it, and I'm excited to see how it feels to rock that kind of a look in the real world.

The selfish part is maybe more of a vain part.  I rarely am in pictures unless they are goofy self-shots.  When I go home to visit my family I end up in several, but the last time I was home in August I was at my heaviest weight.  I look at the pictures now and I am SO glad I have changed my lifestyle.  I can't wait to go home for Christmas and be in pictures now and see the difference.

But for now, with these parties, I want to make sure pictures are taken with my friends, with my co-workers, and yes, some solo pictures.  I want photo proof of my hard work.  I want the adult, date-less version of a fairytale evening where I get to be dressed up and feel amazing. 

Also?  In addition to my normal, ongoing workouts, I'm going to be working towards a goal of losing 4 more inches off my waist by March 1.  It's a group effort with fellow trainees of my personal trainer, and I think the competition will really motivate me even more.  If I can accomplish that goal, I'm golden!  And even if I don't "win", and only end up taking 2-3 more off my waist, I think I will be happy.

My brother's wedding is in early April.  It is pretty awesome to think that by the time of this wedding, I should be very close to my goal physical fitness level, if not there already.  People keep telling me that at this rate I'll be wearing a bikini by summer....and you know what?  I just might.  A tasteful one, though.  ;-)  I have a bit to go before that, although, I have to say...the idea, even now, isn't as horribly terrifying as it has been for years.  Progress!

Once I do get to my goal situation, I have considered one more thing...professional photographs.  Nothing smutty.  Nothing seriously scandalous.  Just a short photo session with a photographer I like and trust (to be determined, LOL) to commemorate this body I am working so hard for.  I won't have it forever, and I've spent too many years being ashamed or insecure about how I look, and I want to celebrate it once all of my hard work pays off.  I want to have those pictures to look at and appreciate what I did, and what I earned, and how damn awesome I looked as a result.  :-D

Vanity post concluded.  :-)

I can go my own way

I know I've been MIA the last couple of weeks.  I've been reading everyone else's blogs, I just haven't been posting on mine. 

It's nice to feel good.  It's nice to feel like I'm doing a good job of taking care of myself, and striking the right balance between social time and solo time.  I spent Thanksgiving with friends and had a lovely time.  I've seen many movies.  I've watched lots of football.  My trainer asked me to speak to a group of his clients for an upcoming promotion he's doing, and to talk about my cardio workouts and how they've progressed.  He says I'm his cardio superstar.  I routinely have double the cardio time of anyone else he's working with. 

I've started planning for upcoming holiday parties, one with my old firm as the "date" of a friend, and one at my current firm.  I love having an excuse to dress up, wear sparkly jewelry and heels, and celebrate with friends and co-workers.  I'm truly looking forward to both events, one on Friday, December 7 and one on Thursday, December 13. 

I'm brainstorming on holiday shopping, but I haven't started yet.  I do it mostly all online and ship it directly to my mom's house in the Midwest so I don't have to fly with everything.  Plus, she wraps everything unless its hers and I indicate as much.  Luckily, my family is pretty small, so my shopping list is pretty short.

I have been on dates.  I am talking to different people.  I am considering my options, and I am trying to figure out where I stand.  It's not so easy, knowing where I stand in that realm.  I think I want one thing, but when presented with the opportunity for said thing, I panic.  Sometimes a little, sometimes  a lot.  Sometimes the panic makes me want to be entirely alone for an hour or a few days.  Other times the panic sparks my desire to reach out in the wrong direction.  So far I haven't committed entirely to either reaction.

Last night I went on a drive.  I don't do that nearly so often anymore; I don't have time with all of the gym visits and trainer visits and subsequent tiredness.  Honestly, I think I was leaning too heavily on the driving as escape for a long time, so now it's probably been tamped back to a more reasonable level.  It was good to wander around, doing a couple of errands, but also taking the long way, the circuitous way, to get where I was going. 

"Where you are is good. Start here. It’s imperfect and it always will be. It will be fierce and ordinary and torn and mended again. We will circle back and start once more. The goal is not some happily ever after, but a happily ever now.”

I'm pretty satisfied with fierce and ordinary.  :-)

Date Recap - The Canadian

The Setting: 

Blurry Chinatown

 

 

We met at 6:30.  I was there first, like I usually am to everything.  The Canadian showed up on time and apparently recognized me right away.  We hugged in greeting, and got seated immediately.  Thank god for weeknight dining because this spot generally has a 2 hour wait on the weekends.

 

 

He was a thin guy.  Really thin. Cute, but in that "I run all the time and therefore look possibly hungry and waifish" kind of way.  I generally prefer a guy with a little more to him.  I'm pretty sure the Canadian weighed less than me.

 

He's divorced, like I said.  But I found out last night that even though he has no kids with his ex, who still lives in Canada, he did end up having a child from a relationship post-divorce.  That ex also lives in Canada, and he drives 7.5 hours every other weekend to go to Toronto to spend the weekend with his son.  Dedicated?  Of course.  Unexpected?  Yup.

 

I have never met someone who wanted to talk about marriage and divorce so much as the Canadian did.  Seriously.  We spent our hour and a half dinner talking about our failed marriages, the failed marriages of those around us, and how the failed marriages affected who we are now.  No matter what I tried, he continually steered us back to this point.

 

I'm over my divorce.  I don't need to talk about it.  Or analyze it.  In particular I don't need to do these things on a first date.  :-/  WTF, mate?  I found it incredibly weird.

 

The thing was, he was a really nice guy.  Intelligent.  Well spoken.  Kind.  A good listener. All great qualities.  But in addition to his fixation on marriage and divorce talk, he was just so serious.  I don't think he made a joke the entire time.  Not one.  He politely laughed at a few things I said, but he didn't seem willing (or capable?) of joining in.

 

Sense of humor?  Huge to me.  Imperative.  Non-negotiable.

 

As I sat at dinner with the Canadian, I had a flash to how things might be if we ended up together somehow.  Me his unpaid therapist helping him work through his ongoing issues stemming from his divorce (she initiated it, I think he's still hung up on it).  Me hugging his frail little frame. 

 

Oh well.  It wasn't a bad date, exactly.  It was just kind of formal, but like a weird therapy session I couldn't escape.  At least I got a cute little box of matches out of the deal. ;-)

 

Bluemoon rides again!

That's right.  After a month plus hiatus, I am back to swimming in the online dating pool. Really, I just felt left out when my fellow dating bloggers were chronicling their experiences and I had nothing to contribute.  Also, at work at Happy Minute every friday, a group of my friends sit and share these same stories, and I really felt like it was time for me to belong again.  ;-)

I'm only doing one site this time around, and my profile is much more streamlined and direct.  I feel like the break did me some good, and offered me some distance and perspective with the whole business of online dating. 

I've blocked three people since rejoining, which is impressive.  My favorite blocked friend messaged me, then got mad that I didn't reply and told me I looked racist, anyway. Delightful!  He's right, clearly *I'm* the racist one in this situation.  ;-)  I chose to not take the bait he was throwing out and instead just erased him from my online dating world. 

Beyond that, I'm talking to some viable candidates, at least for dates.  I actually have two dates lined up currently, with one more in the works.

Tonight I'm meeting the Canadian for dinner in Chinatown.  We both work in DC, so we're just meeting after our days wrap up.  Even if the date is lousy, I'm going to one of my favorite spots in DC, so that will be a perk.  ;-)  He's a patent lawyer originally from Toronto.  Divorced, no kids, very well spoken and nice.  My main concern is that through the course of multiple lengthy emails we've exchanged, he's come across rather serious.  Hopefully he has a sense of humor that I will get to see in person, or else we have trouble!  The Canadian is a traditionally good looking guy, the kind that I see and think is cute automatically.  He's thinner, as he's a runner, but not too thin from what I can tell.

Tomorrow night I'm meeting up with the Bearded Man.  We actually spoke on the phone for about an hour and a half last night.  He's well spoken, we seem to have some common interests, and he makes me laugh.  When I gave him grief about something last night and he told me I was a smartass, I swooned.  ;-)  We don't have an exact plan for tomorrow yet, but we will likely either be bowling or just grabbing a dinner/drink since I have a session with my trainer from 7-8 and can't meet him until about 9.  He's out of pocket this weekend refereeing a slew of soccer games, which is something he does on the side, so that's why we're going with Thursday.  Bearded Man has the kindest looking eyes and a really warm smile in his pictures.

I am talking to probably half a dozen other guys on a multi-message basis that seem potentially promising, in addition to these two.  They live anywhere from my same city to Baltimore (ahoy, strangers from a far land...again!).  One or two have kids and/or are divorced.  A couple of them have a lot of tattoos.  Some of them are funnier than others, some are more charming, some are cuter. 

I'm having fun.  :-)  I'm looking forward to going on a slew of dates in the coming weeks, and I'm looking forward to telling you all about them via this blog.  Cheers to a better attitude, and some funny/sweet/happy/entertaining/weird stories sure to come!

Chemistry: It's a bitch.

When I was in high school, the powers that be made me take a chemistry class.  I will tell you that I remember just about nothing from the actual course, but I do remember getting my first taste of real life chemistry.  My lab partner's name was Ryan.  He was a year my junior, and he was ridiculously cute.  He had blonde hair, bright blue eyes and a killer smile.  He was smart to boot! 

I have no idea how we ended up paired together, but I'm glad we were.  We talked.  We laughed. We flirted.  We wore nearly identical matching blue plaid shirts from the Gap.  Plaid flannel was in, don't judge.  ;-)

In high school I was shy when it came to guys.  I never went out on a date, I was too terrified.  But Ryan got past a few of my walls, probably just because we worked together and sat together day after day.  We bonded over strange experiments and laughed over things we both found funny.  I had a huge, gigantic crush on him.  Massive. 

That was the first time I remember feeling that electric, spark-laden kind of connection with someone.  Granted, my shyness kept it from going anywhere of substance, but that feeling was still there, coursing between us.  I know it was mutual.  I suspected it then, but was too unsure of myself to say for sure.  In retrospect, I know.

The jolt from accidental touch.  The bubbling pleasure of seeing his sleeve touch my sleeve on the table.  Teasing is flirting, especially in younger years, and we used to hit each other playfully, tease constantly.  It was innocent.  It was pure.  It was chemistry. 

That was years and years ago.  Even though Ryan and I never shared more than a couple of awkward phone conversations and a chemistry class flirtation, he will always be the first boy to trigger that feeling in me. It's good to know that at least at one point, in the beginning, I found electricity with someone good, and kind, and thoughtful.  I am capable of such a thing. 

I worry frequently that something inside of me has malfunctioned, and that I am now only able to feel chemistry with assholes.  Even the guys who didn't seem like assholes at the beginning, if I felt true chemistry with them, they turned out to be eventually.  Sometimes it took one date, sometimes it took more.  But it always came slinking from behind, stating itself boldly, as if I were blind to not have recognized it in the first place.

Chemistry is a delicate thing.  It is fierce and fiery, but it is also rare.  Hard to capture, harder to keep. 

I can't remember what sparks and chemistry feel like outside of the one person I shouldn't feel them with.  Sometimes it feels like such a lost cause.  I wish I could disarm him of this power, unravel the sparks and fire from his being, wrap it up with care and save it to bestow upon the nice guy.  The one I objectively see is attractive.  Talented.  Kind.  Funny.  Thoughtful.  Truly interested.

I don't want to waste this gift on a lost cause.  I want it back.

I need the chemistry.  Where is my thirty-something version of Ryan?  Last time I checked the real Ryan was married, so that won't do. I would wear plaid flannel, Doc Martens and overalls again just to find out....and not just because I secretly miss those things (especially the overalls).  ;-)

Blocked

I have started and deleted this post a dozen times.  It has had half a dozen different Post Titles, half a dozen different variations of topics.  My mind is just ambivalent and disorganized today.  I think I need to just embrace the anarchy in my brain and be okay with a totally disjointed post.  I like logic, I like order, but sometimes the things I'm carrying around inside don't all magically fall into place like I wish they would.

Ghosts of Relationships Past
I had a dream last night about another ex, M.  We dated for a year after ex-H and I split.  He has since remarried and this summer had his first child, a little girl.  We haven't spoken since before the baby was born.  In my dream, he had his baby with him.  It's weird how these people just pop up in my subconscious sometimes.  For a long time I thought our breakup was a matter of poor timing for our relationship.  However, we tried a friendship last year and it ended fairly acrimoniously, and I realized that we are not a good match.  He's an arrogant know it all and that would have driven me up the wall.  It did, in fact, drive me up the wall when we dated.  Anyway, random!

Olfactory Musings
The last date I went on courtesy of my old online dating profile was with a perfectly lovely guy.  However, the smell of his cologne made me physically ill.  He hugged me goodbye (and gave me an undesired, unsolicited peck on the lips), and I found that I smelled like him the rest of the night. I changed clothes when I got home because I was going to the gym, and I STILL SMELLED LIKE HIM.  It must have gotten into my hair or something!  It actually made my stomach churn. No matter how nice that guy was, in a million years I could never have stood to be around that smell all the time. 

On the other hand, some people smell so good that it makes me more attracted to them than I would have been otherwise.  Angry ex wore a certain scent when we first started dating and I LOVED it.  It was divine.  Of course as we continued dating he rotated scents and only wore that one upon request, so maybe that was a contributing factor to our demise.  ;-) 

Baltimore used to sometimes smell really good, but I think his was just his body wash. Whatever, it worked!  Some people smell really good without cologne, others wear cologne that just WORKS for me.  All I know is that scent matters.  I've been strangely disappointed sometimes when I've gone out with a guy who didn't have a distinct scent.  No scent is better than awful, cloying scent, but I have to admit that a guy with a signature smell that I always associate with him, that lingers on my clothes and skin after he leaves as a reminder, is kind of awesome.

Things I Miss
I am strong.  I am independent.  I am doing a kick ass job of doing things for me, taking care of me, improving me.  But I'll tell you, I miss having a person to curl up with.  I miss having a shoulder to lean on, a crook of an arm to sleep in.  I miss having a too big hoodie to steal because the borrowed ones from someone you like always feel special somehow.  I miss having someone to watch football with all saturday long, someone to pick me up a coffee on their way home.  Someone to sleep in with.  Someone who knows me and likes me, or even loves me, who wants to kiss me and who I want to kiss back.

I am illogically introspective and kind of grumpy today.  I'm glad I have no real set plans for the weekend.  I want to just get all of my stupid workouts done each day, then spend a TON of time just catching up on DVR, doing my own thing.  It's what I'm best at, anyway!

Rumpled Blue Moon

Do you ever have those days where you just feel like a rumpled version of yourself?  I feel like I look like that shirt you wore one afternoon for a couple hours and then haphazardly tossed on the floor, and let sit there for a few days.  RUMPLED.

I love my curly hair.  I do.  But sometimes it not only contributes to the rumple, it is the cause of the rumple.  I'm wearing a nicely put together work outfit, but my hair is all wonky and it's throwing my game off.  Plus, my nail polish is seriously chipping off and it is decidedly not cute. 

This week has been so busy.  I don't even know why.  All I know is that I haven't had time to do laundry, to watch a single thing on DVR, or to really feel like I've relaxed.  Monday and Tuesday were trainer sessions followed up by the gym.  Last night my Abs class was cancelled so I went out for dinner and drinks with a friend, then hung out until about 10:30.  Back at home I was exhausted and decided to take that evening as my night off from the gym instead of Friday.  I went right to bed.

Tonight I have a happy hour event being hosted by my trainer I'm attending for a bit.  After that I plan to go to the gym and get my workout done.  This is why I'll be doing maybe one drink at the happy hour.  Tomorrow night I'll go to the gym and since it closes at nine on Fridays, I will get to come home after and maybe FINALLY catch up on some DVR.

No classes or training sessions this weekend, so I will get to actually sleep in on Saturday.  I actually have no set plans for the weekend yet, and I'm okay with that.  It's supposed to be really nice out both days, so I've thought about taking a nice long walk on a trail or something one of the days, just to be outside. 

I have a hair appt. at 12:30.  It's totally an indulgent type appointment, not getting it cut or anything.  Just a blowout.  I need some smoothness and sleekness in my life, just for a couple of days.  I need the nice head massage I get from the shampoo, and the feeling of being a little better put together.  Sure, I probably could use an actual BODY massage instead of pretty hair for two days, but this is what I'm choosing.  I'll take a hot bath this weekend with some epsom salts and call it a spa day.  :-)

Vote, Baby, Vote

I voted this morning before coming into work.  It took about an hour, I stood outside in the chilly morning air with a hat and gloves on, earning myself hat hair for the entire day.  It was totally worth it.  :-)

I am going to be spending this evening all astressy wondering what will happen, but I'm glad this day is finally here.  Living in a swing state has resulted in an extra special helping of ads and political craziness, and I will not be sad to see it draw to a close.

I'm wearing my I Voted sticker, and it's going on my gym clothes later, too.  I love going out on Election Day and voting in person, it's just a really awesome feeling, especially for something so huge as the Presidential election.

Crossing fingers....

:-)

I'm melting, melting!

Mark this day, folks:  I've officially rendered another size of work pants ridiculous.  Mind you, I'll still be wearing them for awhile because I don't have the money to throw down on some smaller sized pants just yet, but these suckers would pull right off with very little effort.  It's really a pretty awesome feeling because not that long ago these were so tight they were uncomfortable to wear, and now they are entirely too big.

I have been super dedicated about working out in the last couple of weeks.  I'm going hardcore with the goal of reaching my goals.  Once I do reach them I'll slow down a little, and probably only work out ONCE a day 6 days a week instead of having a couple of days with double workouts (trainer plus solo gym session).  Right now I'm just feeling really motivated and I figure I should seize the momentum.  :-)

I do think I may go "shopping" just to try on some pants.  I just want to see for myself that the next size down fits.  :-)  I don't own anything in that size anymore, and even when I have in recent years, it's been only very small windows of time that I could fit into them...like 2-3 months and then I'd be too big for them.  It's very validating to again be reminded of how my hard work and discipline are paying off!

Excuse the self cheering post, but I'm just really pleased with my progress.  This will will be my 11th week since starting this journey, and I'm proud of where I've gotten in less than three months.  I hope I have a good weigh in and measurement tomorrow, but either way, I know things are looser this week than last, and that's enough for me!

This week I've got a personal training session tonight and tomorrow and then the Abs/Cardio class wednesday night and Saturday morning, plus my own personal workouts.  I still think it's weird that when I'm stressed, or when I'm bored, I think about how I'd like to be working out. It's amazing how the routine and the adrenaline rush of exercise become a part of you when you do it long enough. 

Happy monday, indeed.  :-)

Discombobulated

This week feels all discombobulated to me because of the two days off to start the week.  It feels like Tuesday, but it's Thursday, which admittedly is a pleasant turn of events.  Usually it's the other way around and it feels later in the week than it actually is!

My Halloween was honestly not very Halloween-like.  I live in an apartment and we don't seem to get any trick or treaters there, and this proved true again this year.  I went home, ate a really bad for me dinner, lounged a bit and then went to the gym.  The only Halloween thing I did was watch "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown". 

I did see a few cute costumes on the way home yesterday.  I saw a woman probably pushing 55 or 60 dressed as a giant yellow angry bird, a couple of tiny superheroes, a cat, and my favorite of the evening, a little boy around 5 years old dressed as Super Mario.  SO CUTE!  He was on my bus with his mom and couldn't have been more adorable.

As a result of my off week and the storm, I've been overindulging this week in terms of diet.  Not good!  The one good thing is that I've worked out every single day, so I guess that helps a little.  Finally meeting with my trainer again tonight.  He's been out of town since Saturday, and I haven't met with him in a week.  Hopefully he will be kind and skip weighing me until Tuesday to give me some time to get back on track.

So LED guy messaged me to ask me again about going to see a movie on Friday, which is suddenly tomorrow!  I was hoping he'd take the hint, but alas, it's never that easy.  He's forcing my hand to lay it out for him, so I'm going to take care of that today.  Turns out I do need at least a little spark to proceed.  If he'd made me laugh, or if conversation had flowed easily, or if I'd found him attractive....any one of those things could have constituted a spark.  As it was, I didn't detect any real sense of humor yet, conversation was a lot of work more often than not, and I'm simply not attracted to him.  Such is life!

I'm trying to stop beating myself up over not liking this guy, or other "nice" guys.  The fact remains that I'm just not sure I'm in the right place for dating, and that's okay.  I think it's really easy, especially at this time of year, to get caught up in this feeling that I should be trying to find someone.  It gets colder, the holidays loom, and it's a natural pull to want to seek out that companionship and warmth.  But just because it's November and getting colder, it doesn't mean that I can suddenly be ready to date, or be in the right place mentally and emotionally for it.  It just doesn't work like that.  I'll be ready when I'm ready, I suppose.  The world won't end if I end up spending Thanksgiving alone eating a turkey breast and stuffing and watching football all day.  I survived last year without a boyfriend at Christmas, and I'll do it this year, too.

Anyway, that's all I know for now.  Happy thursday!

When LED candles come bearing flowers...

Yeah, that's right.  I had my "date" with the LED candle on Friday night.  I drove myself, which turned out to be a good thing since I was running late.  We had a Halloween parade at work for the children of employees, so that was cute, but it kept me in the office longer than I intended.

Anyway, I was at home getting situated, thinking I had a little time to spare, when LED boy texted me at 7pm to say he was at the restaurant and had gotten us a table since it was "kind of crowded".  We had plans to meet at 7:30.  Oy.  Subsequently, I felt super rushed and booked it out of my apartment and over to the restaurant, and I'll admit...I was a bit annoyed.  Sure, he'd told me not to rush, but I didn't want to leave him sitting there alone for half an hour. 

However, I get taken to the table, pull out my chair, and in my seat is a small, random collection of flowers.  SIGH.  It was such a sweet gesture, and I've never, ever gotten flowers on a first date before.  He was dressed in khakis and a polo shirt, which I sensed was dressing up for him. 

Oh, dinner.  We both just had soup.  I'd just come from a Halloween party at work, I wasn't sure what his excuse was!  He did want dessert, and I had a couple of bites of that.  As I suspected, he'd overestimated the time we'd need for dinner prior to the movie.  We had over an hour before our movie started once we were done eating.  DOUBLE SIGH.

He wanted to just walk around.  Okay then.  Sure, I was in heeled boots that weren't the most comfortable, but okay.  He kept wanting to walk further, I kept reminding him....no one told me to wear running shoes!  Finally I told him we had to just give up and go into the theater, as I had to go to the bathroom, thanks to the bajillion waters I drank at dinner.

We then got to hang out awkwardly in the theater lobby since it was too early to go in for the show.  He kept coming up with excuses to touch my hands, pointing out my jewelry, asking me about my rings.  It gave me an ominous feeling about the actual movie!

LED boy totally wanted to hold my hand in the movie, but I'm broken inside and only want people who treat me like shit, so I was totally not having it.  My hands were clasped together and off to the opposite side, or tucked away otherwise, away from his grasp.  Go ahead and say it...I'm evil.

After the movie he walked me to my car and we engaged in one of those awkward departures where I was hugging him, and I think he tried to kiss me on the cheek, and it was weird and I wanted it over.

Back at home he texted me to tell me that he really liked me and likes hanging out with me. 

SIGH.

I am SO not into this.  I feel really, really badly.  The flowers were such a nice gesture.  He is so honest and sincere and means so well.  I WISH I liked him.  But I just do not.  He mentioned going out again and I demurred, telling him I had to check my schedule and would get back to him.  That was honest, I really would need to check, as he'd asked about a specific thing.  But I don't want to go on another date with him.  I didn't want to go on the first one.

I can't fake it.  I can't just be nice and let him hold my hand when I don't mean it.  I can't give throwaway kisses to him because I know he actually likes me, and that wouldn't be fair.  I guess my thought was that if I didn't hold his hand, and we didn't kiss (shudder) that maybe it would be less likely to make things so awkward that I started avoiding meetups he was attending.  I don't want to lose that meetup group, and I would LIKE to keep hanging out with him in that group capacity.

On paper, this is all so nice. Good guy.  Sincere.  Sweet.  Gave me flowers on first date.  Told me directly how he felt right after.  AWESOME.  In theory.  Except when it's not reciprocated.  Then it's awkward.

Methinks my dating moratorium should have been stuck to more firmly!  Maybe it's not just online guys, it's all of them.  I need reprogramming.  Bad boy detox, good guy rehab.

Spared

I would like to thank everyone who inquired about my safety and well being in the last few days with regards to Hurricane Sandy.  By comparison, the DC area was hugely spared, and I never even lost power.  I prepared for the worst because it really sounded like the worst was coming.  I got some water just in case, I had non-perishable snacks, I already had D batteries and I had blankets galore and made sure everything was charged. 

In the end we got smacked with a lot of high winds and a lot of rain.  It shuttered a lot of the city, including the Federal Government and my employer's offices on Monday and Tuesday, as well as our Metro trains.  The winds weren't quite as bad as what we saw with the derecho this summer, but they were pretty impressive nonetheless, mostly in their tenacity.  Those high winds just stuck around for hours! 

I managed to get to the gym Monday early afternoon before things really got worse, and I went yesterday afternoon as well.  Things were pretty well running fine in my world yesterday.  I wish I could say the rest for all of the other areas that got slammed so much harder.  The devastation is unreal, and my thoughts are with all of the residents in these areas. 

I'm back at work today, and it seems like most folks fared generally pretty well.  Our NY office is struggling more and is thusly still closed today, of course.  I only know of one person so far who lost power, which is really surprising, but great news. 

So today is Halloween.  Everything feels a bit off after the last few days, between anticipating the storm, preparing for the storm, enduring the storm and evaluating the aftermath...it's kind of overshadowed Halloween.  I wore all black and gray in honor of the holiday, with gray and orange alternating nails and a Halloween sticker or two providing my orange.  Orange is not my color! 

I don't have any particular Halloween plans.  Living in an apartment I didn't get any Trick or Treaters last year, and I don't anticipate any this year.  I will head home after work and likely get out to the gym shortly thereafter to get that off my list.  Beyond that, It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is on tonight and I do plan to watch that!  It's a great Halloween tradition.  :-)

In other news, my throat hurts.  I'm 99.9% sure it's allergy related, but it hurts nonetheless.  My ears are bothering me a little bit, too, but nothing too awful at this point. Took an Allegra this morning, which usually helps me, but thusfar it's made no noticeable difference.  Not impressed!  Stupid allergies.  I never had any at all until I moved to this area nearly 8 years ago.  Thanks, DC!  ;-)

This concludes the well-adjusted post of the day.  Coming soon....a post about how I am dysfunctional on the inside.  Cheers! 

500

First Abs class last night.  We did 500 reps of different abs exercises, in addition to some sprinting.  GOOD TIMES!  We ended up moving the class outside to a nearby high school's football field, which was awesome since we're having such great weather this week.  It was only three of us, and I actually laughed a lot, too.  I expect I'll keep going.  :-)

I came home afterwards and just relaxed for an hour, which was nice.  I did end up going back out to the gym for a full cardio workout.  I have some lingering soreness in my legs from our workout on Tuesday, and I suspect that tomorrow I may have some newly acquired ab soreness from last night, LOL.  Boot camp saturday, and sunday I plan to sleep in!!

I am still laughing over the men as candles discussions from yesterday.  :-)  I told my LED candle I would probably drive myself, and really, I don't see why it would be a big deal.  Sometimes I just build these things up in my head.  Like with Gym Boyfriend?  He's been MIA for two nights in a row, and I started thinking...what are the chances of anything actually coming of that, anyway?  None.  Life goes on.  There are TVs to watch, there is music to listen to, there are calories to burn, muscles to build.  The gym serves a bigger picture for me than checking out men.  ;-)

Today is an extra jeans day at work.  If we donated to a charity event we got to wear jeans, so I of course did.  It makes the work day better!  I wore some skinny jeans I'd had put away for awhile and I feel pretty good in them with some cute heels, though I had a self conscious moment of panic once I got on my bus and was separated from home.  Jeans day again tomorrow, but we always have jeans days on fridays.  Tomorrow is also the Firm's Halloween Parade for the kids of employees, capping off with a pizza party, so that should be fun!  I'm all about anything to break up the routine of a regular day.

This brings to an end the most boring post ever. 

Go Read This!

I would like to highly recommend, if you aren't already following this awesome blog, GO NOW.  Read this.  My friend over at Not Necessarily Laughing WITH You wrote this post today and it made me laugh so hard, I love it.  This alone makes my upcoming date with the LED candle totally worth it, no matter how it unfolds!  :-)

Right to Drive

So Meetup guy wants to pick me up for this dinner and movie event on Friday evening.

I want to drive myself. 

A) I love driving.  My ride anywhere, listening to music, is a good way for me to get in the right mindset. 

B) I don't want this to feel anymore like a date than it already does.

C) I want an escape route.  :-/  Plus, I don't want the awkward moment in the car, all trapped like, at the end.

Is it wrong for me to just tell him I'll meet him there?  Our dinner spot and theater are right next to each other, same parking lot.

LED Candles are nice, but do I want to date one?

Three Random Things
* I wore a dress yesterday I've worn many times before, but it fits better now.  I felt like a kickass superstar all day long, and it was lovely.  Sharp, professional and best of all, my legs are looking awesome these days!

* I had a dream about the Angry Ex again.  Of course I did.  In this installment, he got into a fight, but miraculously did not throw the first punch.  Got a fist to the eye and only then did he retaliate in a vicious manner.  Cheers!  On the upside, this dream hardly even troubled me.  Felt familiar, and really just kind of par for the course.  I almost never remember my dreams, so I sure wish that when I did it was something a little less, oh, I don't know, ANGRY EX RELATED, but oh well.

* Lost another inch off my waist according to my measurements with trainer last night.  Thigh and bicep stayed the same, but a) I'm not hugely worried about bicep because my arms are getting so toned and developing little muscles even and b) thigh measurements will come down eventually.  I'm confident about that, and in the meantime, I can feel muscle in my thighs I definitely never had before, and that makes me happy!

MOVING ON....so, the meetup guy?  Yeah, he's definitely interested.  In addition to asking me about going to see the scary movie on Friday, he mentioned (and linked me to, LOL) a meetup Saturday night for a haunted event the group is doing and offered to drive if I go.  He also mentioned a showing of the original "Halloween" next Tuesday night and asked if I was interested. 

After some internal debating, I went ahead and agreed to the movie on Friday night.  I passed on the Halloween Tuesday viewing, as I have my trainer that night, and told him I'd let him know about Saturday night.  I don't think I will be going, though, as the haunted event doesn't look particularly interesting to me, plus its really pricy.  If it looked better, I'd consider it, but it doesn't look scary.  :-/ 

So apparently I have a date Friday night?  He wants to get dinner beforehand, and asked if he could call me tonight to plan it.  He'd already offered his number via email, but I haven't given mine yet.  :-/  I'm so weird anymore...I hate being put in the position of being on the phone with someone I don't know very well.  It always feels so awkward in advance.  Why can't we just choose somewhere to eat over email?  HA, I'm so broken.

I'm trying to keep an open mind about this.  He's obviously a very nice guy, we have at least one thing in common (scary movies).  He's being pretty direct about liking me and wanting to hang out, which should be refreshing.  Here's the thing, though:  when I think about going out with him on a date, I feel like I'm going on a date with a puppy.  He's cute (in a puppy way), sweet (in a puppy way), dorky and a little nervous and awkward.  He seems so damn innocent.  So completely and utterly without an edge.

Call me evil.  Call me cliche.  Call it what you want, but I don't know that it's possible for me to be attracted to someone so straight and narrow and...nice.  Oy.  I heard myself "say" that and shook my head at myself.  But it's true!

I like sarcasm.  I like a couple of sharp edges, unexpected points.  I like someone who feels like a little bit of trouble when appropriate.  I can't imagine this guy ever looking at me and making me feel the currents of electricity and excitement I've had with others.  He's more like...an LED candle.  Reassuring, nice, warm glow, but no sparks.  No fire.  Just safe,  predictable, contained.

Sigh.  Even when I remove myself from the online dating circuit, when I try to do what all the anti online daters told me to do (Date people from the real world!  It will work better!  Online dating is weird!), I still end up in the same quandaries.  My brain is still programmed in the same dysfunctional way. 

I know I shouldn't date any more firecrackers.  Too precarious.  Too unpredictable.  Too dangerous.  Maybe I need a sparkler:  someone shiny and bright enough to engage my interest with enough of an electric current to give me butterflies and shivers, but not enough to burn me.  When will I find my sparkler?

I guess in the meantime, I'm going to give the LED candle a chance.  ;-)

The Fine Art of Flirting (at the Gym)

Business first, my blog friends.  Today marks 8 weeks that I've been committed to working out and getting in shape.  I did my standard Tuesday morning weigh in and made a pleasing discovery:  as of today, I've lost 10.2 lbs.!  I was so excited to see that I'd hit the 10 lb. mark, and it felt like such validation for all of my hard work, in particular my extra push in the last two weeks.  I've lost 4 of those pounds just in these two weeks!  So that's my little brag for the morning.  :-)

Last night I had acupuncture, and it was incredibly relaxing as always.  So love those appointments!  I got some serious rest for that hour I was stretched out on that table, and it was a good way to loosen up prior to my gym time for the evening.  I've found recently that sometimes when I'm at the gym I get so into it, and I'm so busy watching Dancing with the Stars, or the debates, or football that I end up going longer than I intend to and actually have to make myself stop.  This happened last night actually.  Good problem, right? 

Speaking of my gym time, I saw my gym boyfriend again last night.  We barely crossed paths, as he seems to show at about 9pm and I tend towards about 8:30, and last night I got there at 8.  We were only at the gym for about 15 minutes at the same time, which was tragic.  ;-)  He picked a machine directly in front of me, and we continued in our game of looking at one another, but not speaking.  At one point he even swiveled all the way around and looked right back at me, which was impressive, since he was actively using the machine. 

One of two things is happening here:

1) He's totally checking me out and wondering how to score me as his gym girlfriend in the same way I'm wondering how to score him as my gym boyfriend.

2) He thinks I'm a creeper and is keeping an eye on me for his own personal well-being. 

It's a toss up really.  I think my flirting chip is disabled in the gym!  We make a ridiculous amount of eye contact, but WHY CAN'T I PRODUCE A SMILE???  I think I feel slightly off my game in that setting, especially since he was still fresh as a daisy from just beginning his workout and I was just wrapping mine up, and thusly glistened with a dewy glow, as we women are wont to do.  Don't get me wrong, I'm feeling better and better in my gym attire lately, as I know my body is changing for the better, but come on...it's still the gym!

Hoping tonight for a better timed encounter.  My training session got bumped to 8, so I won't be arriving at the gym until about 9:15.  Goal?  Gym boyfriend will be there and this time I can score the machine behind him (or maybe in front of him?  Angles are important, people).  Damn it, I will smile at him if he's there first.  Or at all.  Maybe.  If I can remember how in that setting.  ;-)

I know this is all silly, but it makes the gym even more entertaining for me, and gives me something to do on commercial breaks.  Also?  It would be kind of a little awesome to meet someone at the gym because, HEY, we already have something in common, AND they wouldn't try to cramp my workout style.  These are things I actually think about!

I'm off to do some work, to ponder the skill level of my eye flirting (maybe I can smile with my EYES?  Tyra Banks would be so kickass proud of me), and to psych myself up to get the nerve of a 13 year old girl to smile at a boy she thinks is cute.  I kind of love my life these days.  :-)

Offline Dating

Dating.  I've done a lot of it online.  Since I'm still single and have been for well over a year and a half, clearly I didn't find too much success with it.  But it proved to be a very interesting learning experience, and it made me much more comfortable with the concept of dating in general.  I also got a lot of awesome stories out of it.  ;-)  However, it started to wear on me recently, so I opted out of that world for awhile.  I've no doubt that I'll go back, but for the time being, I'm doing okay without.

I've been working on being more social.  Attending meetup groups.  Saying yes to things when I would have maybe previously said no.  Just being more open and friendly in general.  It helps that I've gotten more confident with myself in recent weeks as a benefit of working out and making such a serious effort to get in shape.  However, I also attribute this to the nerves being worked off by all of the silly one off dates I went on through my online dating adventures.

Here's the thing, though:  I'm still here.  I'm still a person who would like to find a connection, and I'm now a person who is feeling pretty good and is putting out some good mojo into the universe when I'm out and about.  I'm happy, and I think it shows.  In the last week, it seems like little things have been happening, with varying levels of reciprocated interest on my part.

* I met a guy through a friend of mine, and I've run into him a handful of times during happy hours.  He found me on Facebook and friend requested me, then I found him and added him on LinkedIn, just because.  We know some of the same people professionally, so I figured the networking wasn't a bad idea.  He messaged me on Facebook a couple of weeks ago, and we were predominantly talking about football.  This weekend he messaged me again and suggested we get together to watch a game soon.  Hmm.  Possibly innocuous, but I'm not sure.  Either way, he's a nice guy, but I've got zero attraction to him and I wouldn't feel comfortable enough to spend 3+ hours solo with him.  I've yet to respond!  Probably will with some noncommital reply, friendly, but avoiding, LOL.

* Met a guy through this meetup group I've attended a couple of times now, and he was in attendance at the movie Friday.  He was my touchstone that night because I'd met him previously, so we chatted and caught up.  We ended up going to see a midnight movie at a different theater later that night, and we drove over together from the first theater.  We both got snacks and ended up sharing, but we'd shared an appetizer and tried each other's desserts the first night we met, with another guy added into the mix then, so I didn't really think anything of it. 

When he dropped me back at my car he suggested we do it again for another movie we both wanted to see, and I told him I'd get back to him, as I had tentative plans to see it with another friend.  Later this weekend he messaged me and was asking about my weekend, how it went, etc.  He told me he had a good time seeing the second movie with me and that we should do it again sometime. 

He's a sweet guy.  Kind of a little dorky, but in a not totally unappealing way, LOL.  Big movie buff, good job, lives nearby.  He's kind of goofy, but I think it was maybe a little nerves?  I eventually responded and told him that sure, if something noteworthy came up we should go check it out.  I have no idea what direction this is going, but he seems to be giving me interested signs.  I mentioned I wanted to do something haunted and he told me about a meetup event he's attending saturday for a haunted thing and offered to drive me if I wanted to attend.  He also mentioned a movie in JANUARY and asked if I was interested, LOL.

Ah, the prospect of offline dating...it's weird to me!  For the longest time I wasn't meeting anyone in the real world that I would ever consider dating, and even now I'm not sure about anyone I've mentioned here.  But the concept is intriguing, and it's nice to consider something different.  I think I'd forgotten that sometimes people just MEET naturally and decide to date, instead of the constructs of meeting online.  I guess it's good to be reminded!

In the meantime, I'm just going to keep doing my thing.  Acupuncture and gym tonight.  Trainer and gym tomorrow.  Abs class (and possibly gym) wednesday.  Trainer and gym thursday.  Weekend?  Up in the air.  :-)

I've got lots of things on my mind...possibly another 5k in a couple of weeks.  Maybe another, longer walk/run in November.  Figuring out my pre-Halloween weekend plans.  Appreciating that the pants I had to completely abandon wearing a few months ago because they were too tight went from being too tight to just right to a little loose to pretty damn loose.  :-)  Knowing that I've earned that from working my ass off lately.  Feeling good about nice things my trainer said about me to my friend at the 5k on Saturday, and knowing that I am capable of even more!

If I didn't know any better, I'd say I'm having a pretty good Monday!

Hallowthanksmas

Every year I am disturbed by the way the holidays are thrust upon me so unceremoniously.  Here I am, all excited for Halloween, looking forward to carving pumpkins, watching scary movies and perhaps going to something haunted, and I go into Target and get assaulted by Christmas decorations and winterwear.  Meanwhile, people are talking about Thanksgiving and pumpkin pies and I'm still stuck back in Halloweenland. 

I am ready for Halloween, in my mind.  I still need to procure my second pumpkin, but I've got "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" on my calendar for 10/31 on ABC.  I can't think about Thanksgiving yet!  Give me until November, please.  And Christmas?  Don't talk to me about Christmas until the day after Thanksgiving!  There are rules here, people.  ;-)

In other news....my weekend was awesome!  I saw a good scary movie on Friday night (Paranormal Activity 4, which I really enjoyed), then impulsively saw Labyrinth at a midnight showing.  Got up bright and early Saturday and did the Breast Cancer 5k Walk, which was a great way to start the day, then had a rewarding brunch!  Went to the gym for an hour, then relaxed for a little bit at home before I went into DC and saw Kevin Hart's comedy show at the Verizon Center and grabbed some dinner, too.  Sunday was a day to get caught up on everything I hadn't done the rest of the weekend, including catching up on sleep!  I slept until noon, but made up for it in productivity the rest of the day.  I made chili, I went to the gym for an hour, I did a load of laundry, I did dishes, vacuumed, went to Target and overall just cleaned up my world a little.  :-)

I loved this weekend because it was social, both in a planned and unplanned way, I got some extra exercise outside on a gorgeous fall day, and I also had a full day of time to just do my own thing.  It was the ideal mixture of things! 

One more pretty awesome thing happened this weekend, too.  My brother, who is getting married in April to a girl I positively adore, asked me if I would get ordained and perform their wedding ceremony!  I was shocked to say the least, as I wasn't expecting that at all.  Once I had some time to think about it I realized this seemed like something they would do.  They are bucking a lot of tradition in favor of making the wedding true to them, and my brother told me that they really wanted me to be a part of the wedding. 

The ceremony should be pretty short, as neither of them are really religious, so it will be very straightforward and brief.  I'm betting 15-20 minutes tops, and that, along with the fact that they are keeping the ceremony pretty small, helped me make my decision.  I'm pretty excited and very honored that they want me to take on this role in their special day, and I can't wait to find out what it will entail and work out the details with them.  I have several months to get it all figured out.  :-)

This concludes my functional update type post.  I predict a more thoughtful post will follow sometime today!

I *wanted* to be smiling!

Last night was a big old torture-fest.  Went to my trainer and my workout was intensely difficult.  He had me doing this suspension workout I'd never tried before, and it was immensely challenging.  It won't be the last time I do it either...he warned me!  :-/

I went straight to the gym after my session to get my cardio in.  I knew that if I caved and went home even briefly in between, I'd never get back out!  I got my 60 minutes of cardio in, and somewhere in the last 15-20 minutes my future gym boyfriend materialized.  He was pretty much on the opposite end of the room from me last night, so our most meaningful moment was had when I was heading out.  He caught my eye and I tried to give him a half smile.  But seriously?  I was SO.EFFING.TIRED that I don't have any idea what look I *actually* gave him.  I was smiling in my head, I swear!  My body, even my poor face, was just too tired to perform.

I went home and laid in a pile on the floor after taking a nice, long, hot shower.  It was awesome to finally be off my feet.  I worked my ass off this week! Pretty damn happy that tonight is my night off from working out.  I need it.  :-)

The Perks of the Gym

I've discovered one additional perk to spending so much quality time in the gym lately.  Sure, the weight loss and the toning are great, but it's also nice to spend an hour or so watching good looking men work out.  Last night a cute gentleman I see at my gym quite frequently took up a spot at the arc trainer in the row in front of my elliptical machine, so on commercial breaks during Law & Order: SVU I watched him go go go.  He kept looking back at me, so either he thinks I'm a gym stalker or he was checking me out.  When I went to leave last night he was tangled up in some strange weight machine, but  he got my eye, anyway.  Little short for my dream guy, but pretty good looking, and if we fell madly in love he wouldn't cramp my gym habit, LOL.  NOTE TO SELF:  Next time, smile at him.  Eyeing him in a way that feels coy, but subtle probably translates to looking at him blankly.

I spend more time at the gym than anywhere else aside from work, so come on...is it so unrealistic to think it would be nice to pick up a cute, fitness minded lad there?  We could toil away side by side several nights a week, bonding in our goals of getting (or staying!) in shape.  Ah, love.

I don't go to the gym in super awesome outfits.  I don't PUT ON makeup for the gym...except for lipstick.  But if you know me, you know that I don't go anywhere without lipstick or lipgloss, so this is more just a strange quirk than some gym-directed choice.  At least I don't bring the gloss INTO the gym with me anymore.  ;-)  Bottom line?  When I'm sweating away on the elliptical for an hour, I'm not at my Bluemoon best, but hey...if I ever do find gym love I'll know it's true, because it won't be based on my shimmering beauty.  :-D

On a Roll

It's true, I'm on a fitness roll lately.  Without all of the dating business keeping me busy, I've had a lot more spare time to play with.  I've chosen to fill the bulk of that time with working out.  I figure that if I have the motivation, I may as well seize the momentum and go with it!  My new thing is to work out with my trainer on Tuesdays and Thursdays, then go to the gym later that same night and get a full cardio workout in.  My training sessions are predominantly strength and toning, so it's not overkill. 

I did this last night actually.  Trained with B for an hour, then went to the gym and did 70 minutes on the elliptical.  The debates were on, so I actually had to force myself to stop after the 70, as I could have just stayed on through the end.  In summation, I am doing a ton of cardio in the last week or two, and it's awesome.  I feel awesome.  The muscles in my arms are getting more defined.  I can feel muscle in my thighs and calves, and my endurance is definitely increasing. 

Next week I'm going to do my regular two sessions with B and then try a new Abs class he's starting on Wednesday evening.  It's a small group, 3-4 people, and I'm interested to check it out.  I'm afraid of a full hour of abs, but that's the one area I really want to focus on.  My stomach is getting smaller, I know that objectively, but I really need to work on toning it.  Putting that into the mix with everything else should help!

Saturday boot camp is cancelled because most of the class is participating in the Breast Cancer 5k Walk, including me.  I'm looking forward to walking for the cause, in particular since my manager was just diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer in the last few weeks.  She starts treatment soon, and this is particularly timely now.  Beyond that, the weather should be nice and fallish, requiring some layers for the morning chill, but I will be walking with a friend or two, so it should be good!

I'm also looking to add in some more variety, maybe jump roping, more walking outside (at a nice, quick pace), and I want to add a resistance band to my home fitness collection.  That's a great tool to use while watching TV or just chilling at home. 

I'm a little sore today, but it feels good.  Last night's training workout was difficult.  I like pushing myself, even when I feel particularly uncoordinated, like I did last night!  I definitely worked hard!  I took about a 30 minute break at home before going to the gym, and then back at home finished watching the debate before I took a nice epsom salt bath to wrap up the night.  I did manage to get a batch of turkey breast meatballs made, too, so those will be nice to have.

No official weigh in with trainer yet, but I weighed myself yesterday, as I do each Tuesday, and I'd lost another 1.4 pounds.  According to my records, that's a loss of 7.8 pounds since I started this on August 28th, seven weeks ago.  HOPEFULLY my measurements next week will reflect some change since I was pretty stagnant last week, save for (finally!) a half inch loss off the thigh. 

This officially wraps up my fitness blog post for the day.  I suspect a more normal post may follow later today!

Undateable Men and Why They're Delightful

I spent my Friday evening with a group of men.

I didn't want to date any of them.

I had a great time.

Cheers to that!  It's nice to remember that I can just hang out with people for fun without any pressure or romantic or physical interest.  It's good to flirt and not have it matter.  I stayed out later than expected, I drank more than I planned to, but I laughed a lot and it was worth the sleepy Saturday morning.  :-)

I suppose I'm "doing me", in the vernacular of the wise trainwrecks of the Jersey Shore.  I'm mixing things up, hanging out with friends, making new friends, and saying yes when previously I may have said no to invites.  It's good to rock the boat sometimes, and it's good to be in a new social setting and do okay in it.

In spite of the good times had Friday night, I did have a bummer moment this weekend.  Fall is my favorite season.  I love haunted houses, carving pumpkins, decorating, and watching scary movies.  I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I cannot find anyone to go to haunted houses with.  No one.  They are all afraid/not interested/too busy.  This happens every year, and it was only by some miracle that I went to a haunted forest last year (with my ex-H, no less, and a group of people he knew.  Blah.).  I am disappointed every year when this happens.

Beyond that, the decorating?  The pumpkin carving and seed roasting?  I will be doing those things, but I'll be doing those alone.  I must just know all the wrong people in this area.  I love doing these things, and I would love to go do a corn maze or something, but no one likes what I like.  I carved pumpkins (with the ex-H again, ha!) last year.  This year, it will be a solo mission.

I really hope that someday, eventually, I will find someone who wants to carve pumpkins and watch scary movies with me.  Endeavor to make a Thanksgiving feast and watch football with me all day.  Pick out a Christmas tree and choose an annual ornament with me, then bake Christmas cookies.  Maybe dye Easter eggs with me.  Go watch fireworks with me. 

Some people want expensive trips and travel, jewelry and fine gifts.  Fancy meals, luxurious homes, over the top gestures.  I just want someone who laughs at the disgusting joy of digging your hand into the innards of a pumpkin to clean it out before carving it up. 

I will not forsake these favorite pastimes simply because I continue to fly solo, and I will not bend over backwards to get others to join in on activities that I love.  I will sit in my living room while my cats "help" me with the pumpkins, I will watch scary movies on my TV decked out in orange twinkle lights for the holiday, and I will burn autumnal candles and eat the roasted seeds myself.

In the meantime, I will keep saying yes to things more often than no, and I will spend time with the people I enjoy spending time with, and I will continue to enjoy my solo time as well.  Balance, baby.  Balance.

Awesomeness

Pretty sure I'm awesome.  Did my hour with my trainer then went to the gym and did 60 minutes, 530 calories on the elliptical.  My trainer was impressed when I texted him dutifully to relay this information.

SCORE.

WTF, mate?

So I just got an email from someone I went on a single date with in June 2009.  The last time we spoke was November 2009. 

Backstory: 

I met angry ex in April or May 2009.  We started dating, but Memorial Day weekend he had some existential crisis and we unceremoniously "broke up".  We still saw each other 4-5 days a week for lunches, but didn't get back together until the last week in June.  In that interim, I did a brief stint on match.com, where I met this guy.  I mostly did it out of passive aggressive frustration with angry ex, as I still didn't understand what had happened.  Talk a bout a red flag missed!  There was no chemistry with this dinner guy, so it never went anywhere.

Cut to November 2009, when he messaged me to say hi. I was in the shower or something and angry ex saw the email as it came into my inbox and was fuming by the time I got back.  He basically freaked out on me and thought I was doing this while dating him.  I explained the situation and he was still livid.  I wanted to just delete it and move on, but he made me sit there and type up a response to this guy.  I recall him actually feeding me the words.

"The profile was canceled awhile ago. Why are you emailing me now when the last communication we had was in June?"

He said "I saw our old emails and thought about u. u lost touch unfortunately."

Angry ex then had me say, "Ok well thank you for emailing me, but I'm in a relationship. The profile should have been removed. Take care."

It was a source of great tension for awhile.  He kept thinking I'd been doing something behind his back when of course I wasn't.

Now today, October 2012, this guy messages me and asks me if I am still seeing someone.

WTF?  They really do always come back, even the completely insignificant ones.

Filling the Void

My world got kind of quiet in the last few days since I deleted my dating profiles.  It's weird.  As much as those notifications annoyed me at times, I admit that the ego boost was nice.  The attention was nice.  Even if I didn't want to go out with 98% of the people I heard from, it was good to be reminded every day that I was there, and that someone wanted to know me.  Since I booted both accounts into oblivion, things have gotten quiet.

It's hard to fill the void. 

Sometimes I'm so frustrated at the people I've had in my life.  I'm pissed that they've put me into positions where I've had to cut them out of my life.  I keep whittling these bad people out, and I know that's a good thing for me in the big picture.  But sometimes it makes me feel very lonely. 

I had to return to the city where I lived with angry Ex on Saturday for the birthday party of a friend's 2 year old son.  I go out that way on occasion, but I stick to the periphery as a general rule, and that seems to  be okay.  But this time I had to drive through the city, and I found myself struck with paranoia about encountering the ex at a light or soemthing.  I was RIGHT outside his (once OUR) neighborhood, and it was alarming, quite honestly.  I felt nauseated by the proximity, and luckily, this was after the event, and not before.

The further I drove away from him, the better I felt.  Toxic.  He is toxic.  I'm angriest with him for putting this pit in my stomach that won't go away.  I had a dream this weekend and he was in it.  He's like a bad penny I can't get rid of.

Changing subjects....in the interest of trying to continually broaden my horizons a bit, I attended a movie meetup group on Friday night.  As usual, only a slim group of those who RSVPed actually showed up.  In this case, it was me and two guys.  Go figure!  We saw a really, spectacularly bad horror movie (#Hold Your Breath).  We capped off the night with a drink and appetizers/desserts at a nearby restaurant. 

I actually had a good time.  It was nice to meet a couple of new people, and to laugh about a shared experience, and to just be out and about.  I expect to attend more of these meetups because I often have a hard time finding people to go to scary movies with me, and this is a way to address that problem!  The guys said it was nice to have a new, female fan of horror movies, so I guess they don't see that TOO often.  ;-)

I also engaged in a little bit of therapeutic cleaning and organizing this weekend.  There's more to do, but I made some progress and that was nice.  We had this lovely, truly fallish weather and that pleased me so.  Yesterday at one point I was on the couch, with a banana nut bread candle burning, a blanket and a cat in my lap, with a hoodie on and football on TV.  Hello, fall!

I'm trying to fill the void.  I'm trying to do it the right way, instead of the easy way.  The wrong way.  It's hard.  I miss some of the people I shouldn't, and weekend nights are the most difficult to feel that lonely.  Sometimes it feels so huge and overwhelming, and then I'll have a random moment where I realize it's not a huge deal.  I'll get through it.  It's okay.  But sometimes those moments don't last.

I'm trying to figure out my way, but sometimes I don't know where to start.

Out of Order

"I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart: I am, I am, I am."
-Sylvia Plath

Nineteen months. 

It has been over nineteen months since the angry ex and I broke up.  Ninteen months since the end of the most unhealthy relationship I've ever had crumbled into a pile of rubble.  Nineteen months of time where I thought I'd been healing, rising from the ashes of the emotional destruction he wrought upon me.  Nineteen months of being wrong.

My marriage ended in divorce before we hit the seven year mark.  We were together nearly 11 years.  The unraveling of that relationship hurt deeply, but the aftershocks of it's implosion were different.  It was about learning to be on my own for the first time in my life.  It was about finding who I was as an individual.  It was about everything I knew coming apart at the seams.  It sparked a self-revolution, but it was a relatively quiet one.  A slow journey of discovery.

With M, the relationship after my divorce, that break up was just a matter of two people getting involved at highly emotionally volatile times in their lives, and the unsurprising clashes that caused.  The end of that relationship didn't make me question who I was.  It didn't cause some revelation about my own self-worth, or a crazy need to reinvent myself.  It just ended because it was supposed to.

My relationship with the angry ex was toxic.  Pure poison.  Sure, there were good times, but from the very beginning there was an insidious undercurrent that fostered insecurity in me like I'd never felt in my life, and I'd had many times of insecurity.  I was never enough.  I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't political enough, I wasn't brave enough, bold enough, thin enough, sexy enough.  I was perpetually inadequate in his eyes, and subsequently in my own.  I gave into defeat and didn't have the energy or strength to pull myself out. 

He walked all over my heart for almost two years, he mindfucked me, he took advantage of my kindness and devotion, and in the end he screwed me over...but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.  When the angry ex pushed me out of his life, first out of his home and then out of his heart, it was the kindest thing he'd ever done for me, even if he didn't know that.  Even if he never would have done it if he'd known that.

I've been trying to date off and on for 17 months or so.  I dated Artboy for a brief window in time.  I dated Baltimore for a couple of months.  I've had 3 date dalliances here and there, plus countless one off dates.  I've kissed people I wanted to kiss, and I've kissed people I didn't want to kiss because they caught me off guard.  I've made an inordinate amount of mistakes.  I've experienced huge, repeated errors in judgment.  I've acted impulsively and paid for it later.  I've let myself be taken advantage of emotionally, and I've sold myself so short, denied myself the self-respect I should possess, and spent too much time rationalizing bad behavior with unworthy people.

My heart isn't ready to date.  Sometimes I think I am, so I go through the motions.  It's easy to do when I am just racking up the silly stories and the funny anecdotes.  It's entertaining, it's a hobby, it's something to do.  But the second I meet someone who should be a real candidate, someone smart, well-spoken, sincere, successful, kind, attractive....I get turned off.  I want to run in the opposite direction, and you all know how I feel about running.

I went on a date last night with someone like this.  Had a good time.  Laughed.  Talked.  Flirted.  There was an attraction.  He gave me an innocent kiss goodnight after being very direct about liking me and wanting to see me again.  I got in my car and had to resist the urge to go tearing out of the parking lot, as far away as quickly as possible from him and the scene of the crime.

My heart is out of order.  It is not in working condition for dating.  I am tired of the bad dates, but I'm more worn out by the good ones, and the subsequent guilt I feel over slowly disengaging from them.  I'm tired of feeling like I want to throw up after "good" dates, of feeling waves of panic wash up about losing myself, about investing time and energy into something that may not work out, or that may hurt me.  I'm tired of wondering how I will not be enough this time, of wondering if my inclination about a temper or a personality is based on something real or if it's just my own angry ex baggage rearing its ugly head again.

Bottom line is I do not trust myself at all.  I don't trust my judgment.  I don't trust my taste.  I don't trust my heart.

I can't do this anymore.  I can't keep chasing something so hard that I'm apparently not even ready for.  I have to stop trying so hard, I have to stop pretending I'm that girl who wants a relationship.  I want the abstractions of a relationship.  The moments.  I want someone to cuddle with on the couch for a movie.  Someone to run an errand with.  Someone to text me something nice once in a blue moon.  But I want that someone to leave when I want them to leave.  To be okay with me needing a week of time to recover from spending two hours in close quarters.  Someone who magically knows when I want to hear from them and magically knows when I don't, and never crosses the line. 

I need space from this.  I need to let the pressure go.  I need to stop trying so hard.  I need to recognize the reality that I am just not ready.

Nineteen months is a long time.  It sounds like a long time.  It sounds like more than enough time to get over an asshole who was never really worthy of me in the first place, who hurt me so deeply and truly that I feel like I have an angry ex-shaped scar on my heart.  However, appearances can be deceiving.  Time can lie.  We can even lie to ourselves.  Eventually, though, the truth comes through, and I have to own my truth.  I have to know that it's okay that I'm not ready yet.  I need to allow myself to heal on my own time, and not punish myself for going off schedule.  For not being where I think I should be.  For not being able to unshoulder all of this just yet.

I don't think I'm irretrievably broken.  I'm just out of order. 

Dating profiles deleted.  Not hidden.  Not deactivated.  Deleted.  Now is not the right time.