Once in A Blue DC Moon

Suspense!

2012-03-15T12:20:00.000-04:00

I am such a blog tease. :-)

Mostly, I don't want to jinx myself. I've done this before, where I have a good first date and get all excited and hopeful. Then it either fizzles out before the second date, or the second date is the kiss of death. Therefore, I am cautious in my optimism. I will say that I do have a second date scheduled for Friday night. This makes me pretty happy!

I will likely talk about this further if Friday goes well. In the meantime, I will leave you with these tiny pieces from things so far:

Old Town, with a milkshake and an iced coffee, on a gorgeous spring night, is lovely. Old Town, with a milkshake and an iced coffee, on a gorgeous spring night, walking by the waterfront and spending two hours on a bench with a cute, funny, kind guy, looking at the Potomac and talking? Even better.

5'10" - Thusly, meeting my preferred minimum height requirement. ;-)

Apparent mutual physical attraction...finally!

I keep writing more, but then erasing it...it feels like I'm overstepping at this point, so I'm taking a step back.

I have a second date with the coffee date guy from Saturday tonight. I agreed to it earlier in the week because he was such a nice guy. Smart, well spoken, we had some common interests. Attraction? Not for me really. But I already agreed, so I feel like I have to go.

Beyond that, I'm tired of putting all my eggs in one boy basket only to have it backfire. I figured this was not a bad move, just in case. You never know (unless you secretly know, like I kind of maybe do). I feel a little bad because my mind is on tomorrow night, and tonight is just something to get through.

Also? I'm insanely tired. I've been going nonstop this week, and it's exhausting in itself. Then last night I went and stayed up until nearly 4 am for no good reason. Talk about tired! In my dream world I get to go home tonight and lay on my couch catching up on my overloaded DVR before crashing early. In reality, dinner with nice boy, then home. I should go to the gym, but I am thinking that perhaps getting some quality sleep is worth the sacrifice. I don't want to go out tomorrow looking tired!

No, no...tomorrow I want to look sparkly and awesome. First date I made some measure of effort, maybe a 6 on the scale of things. Tomorrow I would like to aim for an 8.5 or 9, LOL.

Regardless, I should have further details and updates later this weekend. I will either be back to give you happy, giddy details of the dates, or a story about how the first date was awesome, and the second date was meh/okay/horrifying. ;-)

Cross your fingers for something on the happier side for me!

Eating my words

2012-03-14T23:54:00.002-04:00

So the unoriginal date guy? The one I mocked about being pretentious for wanting to go to "hole in the wall" places? The one I wanted to cancel on, to skip, to bail?

So grateful I didn't. ;-)

Originality...clearly not the name of the game.

2012-03-13T12:19:00.000-04:00

Dating is still stupid, but I'm trying it out again on occasion. It's something to do.

Lately, it's something to do that kind of makes me roll my eyes.

I had a coffee date on Saturday. The guy suggested a coffee shop in Old Town. Fine. I love Old Town, but parking is a huge pain. The place he suggested was so crowded you could barely fit in the door to order. Not impressed. I scored a parking spot *right* in front, but only because it was pay parking. I didn't care, it was worth it for the ease.

I have plans to **"get a drink" with another guy this evening. Guess where he wants to go? OLD TOWN. He suggested this bar I've never heard of, or another bar I've never heard of as the second option. Sigh. I kid you not, I'm tempted to cancel just because I'm annoyed about the locations and how much work this feels like.

Plans for a second get together with Old Town coffee guy Thursday night. The dinner spot he suggested? OLD TOWN. WTF, guys?

Look, I know Old Town is cute, and quaint, and full of lovely restaurants. But it is feeling really overdone right now. Like a lot.

In other news, my week is entirely overbooked because I'm an idiot. Last night was acupuncture, which I showed up to with a migraine, and left with a migraine, though it was less bad. That burned my plans to hit the gym, so I instead laid on the couch and wished my damn oven were working so I could have something other than pasta to eat.

Tonight is the annoying Old Town "drink", then gym.
Wednesday is meeting up with a girlfriend, then gym.
Thursday is dinner in Old Town with the other guy, then gym.

Friday, I will rest. Rest, damn it. Saturday is a movie with a friend. Saturday night, no plans thusfar. Sunday, I'm hoping to swing a brunch with someone.

Seriously, I love being social, but doing it at the same time as trying to get into a gym routine is a stupid idea on my part. I so do NOT want to keep going out and then having to go home, change and go back out at 10pm to go to the gym. I am still recovering from DST screwing up my internal clock and I am just tired!

I need a nap. And really what I'd like to do is just go to the gym after work and then call it a night. I am weird because all of these dumb Old Town dates make me not want to go at all. The guy tonight was like "I'm okay if you have another hole in the wall spot you'd like to go to." Um, okay. Why does it have to be a hole in the wall? You don't feel cool or special if you go to more well known spots in town? You need something secret and obscure to up your trendy factor?

:-/ Oh dear. I am on a roll, LOL. The pretense just annoys me, I'll admit it. Give me a good bar and grill and I'm happy. I do not need to go drink overpriced drinks from some stuffy little spot because you read a review about how awesome it was. It does not impress me that you suggested this, sir. It makes me roll my eyes. ;-)

Did I mention before how stupid dating is? It is. Really, it is. In this moment, I'd rather go to the gym. Experience the warm embrace of an elliptical machine. Ha!

**Pet Peeve: Going out for a drink. Did that last week with another gentleman, we had plans to meet at 8. I can't wait until 8 to eat dinner, so I ate at home. (I get home about six). Plus, we had plans for a DRINK, not dinner. Well, at the pub he eats dinner, I get a drink, the balance is all thrown off. Sigh.

Tonight: Drink plans. Am I not eating again? I'm hungry at 7pm, but this pretentious little spot doesn't have any food I really want.

I am probably being really, really unreasonable. Probably. :-)

The Un-Anniversary

2012-03-02T09:22:00.000-05:00

Ten years ago today I got married in a little church in the Midwest. The days leading up to the wedding were gorgeous, sunny and unseasonably warm. On the Friday before the wedding, it turned cold and snow fell overnight. On my wedding day I stood outside of the church shivering and cold for pictures. The landscape matched my white dress, which in retrospect wasn't anywhere near my dream wedding dress.

March 2, 2002 Wedding
November 2008 Separation
December 2009 Divorce

March 2, 2012 It would have been my ten year wedding anniversary. Weird.

I'm not really sad, as that marriage was not what it should have been. I am sad that it ended in the general sense, though. I never thought I would be a divorced person, but I am. Guess what? It's not the end of the world. I'm still here.

Life truly does go on. You pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward again. If you're me (or most people), you fall down about a million more times, but you keep going. Sometimes you cry about it, sometimes you laugh about it, sometimes you just feel really grateful to have the chance to keep screwing up. Sometimes the screwing up makes you feel really alive and present and it always, always teaches you something...even if you have to make the same mistake a dozen times before it starts to sink in.

Ten years ago today I made a choice. I took vows, and I kept them. Things didn't work out exactly like we'd planned, but I kept my promises and I have no regrets.

Happy independence anniversary to me. I'm doing just fine on my own. :-)

Change.

2012-02-26T23:42:00.000-05:00

I lost my beloved best friend a week and two days ago. It has felt like the longest week in the world. Work was a blur for the most part. The beginning of the week I was essentially useless. I was making errors, lost in thought, or stuck in a weird frozen state. I barely wrote anything, which is weird. I've been writing a lot lately in a notebook, just for my own purposes, and this week...almost nothing. I've felt almost numb in many respects. I think that in the few moments I've felt present, I've functioned more out of a state of habit than anything else. It's as if my my mind thinks that if I just act like I'm okay, then I will be. But if I allow myself to think too much, to remember the truth of my loss, I will fall.

Some days were better than others. Friday was hard. I was consciously aware of the times on the clock when she started getting sick the week before. The times on the clock when we were at the vet, letting go. The times on the clock when I was home alone for the first time without her.

I miss her. I wish I could wrap her up in my arms and hug her like I used to.

I didn't see a single soul I knew this weekend. I cancelled the one plan I had for lunch on saturday, and I was not sad when my friday plans fell through. I stayed in. I watched DVR. I cleaned. I organized. I slept. A lot. I ran errands. I spent an awful lot of time alone. At times I regretted it, at other times I was grateful I had no obligations.

One week.

She Gave Me Sun, She Gave Me Snow

2012-02-20T12:40:00.001-05:00

On Friday night I lost my best friend. My dog was my closest ally and best source of comfort for the duration of her nearly fourteen years of life. She’d been sick for awhile. We had a very good week together, though, the best one in awhile. We went on walks, played with her squeaky toys, she was excited to eat with the recent addition of soft food mixed in with the hard. She got lots and lots of love and cuddled with the cats. Friday night was no exception. I got home and she was waiting by the door for me, and we went on a walk together. She investigated everything, as per usual, and finished the walk strong. Back at home she brought me a toy that still managed to have a functioning squeaker in spite of the fact that most squeaky toys in my apt. were squeaker-disabled long ago.

She got sick very suddenly, but very acutely. An ultrasound revealed a mass on her spleen that was affecting her pancreas and her liver. She was horribly uncomfortable and sick. Her eyes were pained and tired. Her body was weak. I gave her the best gift I could give her…I let her go.

It was the single most difficult thing I’ve ever done. But I was with her every second. When she passed, I was holding her head. A vet tech was holding her paw. The vet had a hand on her side. She was covered in a soft blue blanket, and she went peacefully.

The vet office was amazing. Simply amazing. I got so many hugs. Reassurances I was doing the right thing. Other vets who had treated her before coming in to see us. People were running around getting me Kleenex and water and doling out hugs and kind words at every turn. They offered to call me a cab after, but I chose to drive myself home. I took a few minutes in the car first then steeled myself to get through the short drive. I failed. I sobbed hysterically for the entire drive.

The weekend was weird. Saturday started off very rough. But then I set to keeping myself busy with practical errands. I organized her belongings at home, tossed out all the stupid medicines she’d had, washed all of her blankets and bedding. I met up with a friend for dinner, like I’d previously planned. It was so good to get out and have company. I felt halfway normal at least part of the time, and it was nice. Back at home I cried. I flailed.

Sunday was worse. I cried off and on all day. I had brunch with my ex-H, and ended up getting out of the car afterwards crying after yelling at him. I went to a movie with a friend in the afternoon. I fielded phone calls from concerned family and friends, and felt numb and dull for the duration. I felt the paralyzing fear of intense loneliness. Anger. Frustration. Resentment. Most of last night is honestly a blur.

I overslept this morning. I’m just so tired. Work is ridiculous today. Most places are closed for the holiday, but not us. At least it’s quiet. I thought about staying later to make up the time I missed, but I don’t care today. I will leave at my regular time and go home to rest. My limbs feel like jello. My heart hurts. I am so tired, inside and out. I feel weak and drained and overwhelmed by what lies ahead of me.

My apartment is wrong without her. Everything reminds me of her. I took a bath last night and cried because she wasn’t in there trying to drink the water out of the faucet, or making a bed out of my towels on the bathroom floor like she so often did when I bathed. I cried when I unloaded the dishwasher and found her food and water bowls. I cried at the sight of furballs on my kitchen floor in the corner, where they’d lurked behind her giant container of food, which I’d thrown out Saturday afternoon.

My world is off balance right now without her in it.

In spite of the intense sadness, two things made me smile this weekend. Saturday, the day after I let her go, it was a spectacularly beautiful day. The sun was shining, it was nearly sixty degrees. There was a good breeze. It was the kind of day she would have loved. We would have gone on a walk and she would have sniffed everything, and the wind was the kind she used to bark at when she was a puppy.

Then on sunday, all I wanted was snow. They'd taken it out of the forecast, and I was so disappointed. I wanted the snow. Later in the evening, I went outside to go to the store for a couple of things. It was snowing. Big, fat, wet flakes of snow. It was beautiful and lovely and unexpected. She would have wanted to go on a walk in it, and I would have walked with her and caught snow on my tongue. It made me smile. She gave me a wonderful, spring-like day when I needed it most, and then she gave me the snow I wanted the following day.

I felt her in the sun and the snowflakes. My sweet dog was sending me a sign that she was okay. That she was finally not sick anymore. That she was in a place where it could be sunny and beautiful or snowy and serene as she pleased, and she shared it with me.

In loving memory of my beautiful girl, M.
May 5, 1998-February 17, 2012

Loss.

2012-02-17T22:18:00.002-05:00

My sweet baby is gone. I had to let my dog go tonight. I feel cold and numb.

Send the pain below

2012-02-16T12:21:00.000-05:00

Oh, what a week. What a month, really. I have been an emotional basketcase. I’ve plumbed the depths of intense sadness and also laughed so hard I’ve cried. Admittedly, the scales have tipped dangerously heavy on the sadness side. I’m working on balancing it out.

I’m trying to refocus, pull myself out of my slump and get involved in my life again. Sitting at home with my animals watching 12 hours of DVR isn’t going to move me forward. I need to jump start things again, and remind myself that not everyone in my world is unreliable and disappointing. Beyond that, I need to hang out with some girlfriends and remember that those friendships have some serious value in my man-laden world. Balance, again.

The next few days are the busiest I’ve had in awhile, at least in terms of social occasions. Sure, I’ve spent lots of time aimlessly driving and/or running errands solo, but that does not count. Let’s examine my social calendar for the next four days:

Thursday: This evening I have a happy hour with my former supervisor at work, and hopefully another old co-worker will join. It will be really good to catch up! In the meantime, I am weirdly excited for my lunch of softshell chicken tacos I brought from home, LOL.

Friday: I have tentative dinner/drinks plans with a gentleman we will nickname Captain for now, as he has a boat and it is one of his main hobbies. He is supposed to let me know his vote for where we will be going this afternoon.

Saturday: I have plans to meet another gentleman whom we shall call Mr. Mom because he has a daughter he is quite beholden to, in a very sweet way. He is going out of town in a couple of weeks to see her compete in a cheerleading competition. We are meeting for coffee and chat at a nearby Barnes & Noble. That afternoon I also need to run a couple of riveting errands…pet store and drycleaners. Rock on.

Saturday evening: I just made plans to do dinner with a girlfriend of mine whom I haven’t seen in awhile. I’m looking forward to catching up and having a drink while I dine on some delicious fish!

Sunday: I have plans in the afternoon to get together with another girlfriend I’ve not seen in awhile. I believe our plan includes a meal and a movie. Hopefully the potential snow they are talking about will not cramp any plans. Crossing fingers!

So that is my weekend. Quite busy in my books! I’m excited for all of it, though. I’m also pleased to note that there are no ex-anythings as company for any of my events. I am worn out on relying on ex-husbands, ex-boyfriends and even ex-people I’ve gone on 1-3 dates with as activity partners. If all goes as planned, I hope to end up Sunday evening with a whole weekend full of things that were booked and undertaken successfully. That will be something!

Other miscellaneous goals for the coming four days, just because I like having a plan instead of flailing about so uselessly: Read. I’m in the middle of two books right now, and it would be nice to make some progress on one or both. My attention span has been lacking lately, so I’ve barely even cracked the books open. Write. God, do I want to write. It would be such a relief to just get something started! Exercise. I need to work out. Desperately. I also think I want to try some yoga again. I need something to wind down with.

So I officially have a weekend full of goals and plans and ambition. Sure, there will be some laziness, some DVR watching, some indulgence in non-productive things. But I’m a hell of a lot better off than I was last weekend, that’s for sure. After Friday night was over, I was a gloomy, doomy pit of self-pity and depression and lethargy. I was overstressed, overtired, and bent out of shape every which way. I want this weekend to be the very antithesis of the bulk of last weekend.

I do hope that I manage to repeat one thing from last weekend, though---the laughter and escape and awesome feeling I had Friday night. I felt spectacular, I loosened up, I stopped thinking so much, and it was exactly what I needed. THAT, I would like to visit again, even if it will surely come about in a different fashion. No ill-advised company on the books this weekend (though, admittedly, he is never on the books officially, he is always a last minute revision). This weekend’s only male company comes in the form of more participants in my endless line of first dates because….well, if hope doesn’t spring eternal, I’m screwed. ;-)

Cheers to trying again, trying always. :-)

Will you be my Un-Valentine?

2012-02-14T11:19:00.002-05:00

A strange phenomenon is rippling through my world lately. Everyone I know who has been single for ages and ages is suddenly part of a couple. Conversely, I, the one who has spent the bulk of my adult life in a serious relationship, am fiercely single. The world has turned upside down and it’s throwing me way off balance.

I know this post is being written on Valentine’s Day. For the record, when I have spent this “holiday” as part of a couple, I’ve never put much value in it. It’s a very commercialized thing and I’ve mostly either done a nicer dinner at home with my person, or we’ve grabbed something quick out and about. No fancy restaurants with reservations, no gifts. I’ve not gotten flowers for V-Day in years.

The last festive thing I did for Valentine’s Day was for the guy I dated after my divorce. We were together for a year and change, February to March, and for our first and only V-Day as a couple (which also happened to be his birthday) I went old school and made him a Valentine’s Day box. Shoe box, tissue paper, construction paper hearts, glitter, stickers. I filled it with dozens of different little Valentines, writing something on each of them. It was a project that filled me with nostalgia and flutters of anticipation of presenting the gift. I remain proud of my efforts.

I miss Valentine’s Day as it was in elementary school. Everyone got a Valentine from everyone in their Valentine’s Day envelope or box. Little boxes of candy, conversation hearts, red and pink and hearts everywhere. It was innocent and sweet and equal opportunity. No one was left out. Everyone got something.

As an adult, this is no longer the case. If you are single, you will be left out. Your Valentine’s box will be empty. There are no consolation prizes, no required cards. This year I got a Valentine’s Day card from my mom and another from my grandfather. An online dating guy I’ve been messaging for a day or so wished me a Happy Valentine’s Day. That was actually nice, even if we never get beyond messaging online. I appreciated the words.

Seriously, though----what is in the water? Friends I know who have been single for years and years are now immersed in sudden relationships that are strangely serious for their short duration. They are madly in love, they are talking about marriage after a single handed count of dates. Some of them are involved in more realistic, easier to understand situations, ones that have been percolating for a long time, coming to a slow boil and giving off an aura of serious staying power. Either way, though, right now it seems like everyone has someone but me.

It is becoming alarmingly obvious to me how much I define myself by my relationship status. I’ve always been in one until this last year, and now I just have these periodic moments of flat out panic where I feel like I am flailing about, directionless. Shouldn’t I, after a year, be okay with this? Shouldn’t I be used to it by now? I feel sometimes like I will never be used to this. Yet in other ways I feel like I am too used to it.

I worry that I’m getting too used to being alone, even though being alone feels fundamentally wrong in some ways. I feel like I’m getting jaded and cynical, and that with each passing day the window for letting new people in is growing smaller, and my discouragement with the world is getting bigger. I’m getting set in my solitary ways, forcing myself to stop relying on people for much, big or little, because I am growing so, so tired of people bailing on me. If I expect nothing from anyone, then I will never be disappointed when they give me exactly that.

This year, my Valentines will be a party of three, all on four legs with a lot of fur to spare. Me and my animals, at home. I never liked those chalky conversation hearts, anyway!

I Would Drive 154 Miles

2012-02-13T22:31:00.018-05:00

I would, and I did. Yesterday, I drove 154 miles.

The highlight of my weekend was getting together with an unexpected and possibly ill advised person, drinking two beers really quickly and getting quite loopy, then laughing so hard that I forgot for awhile how lousy things have been lately. I needed that escape, and ill advised or not, that person was exactly who and what I needed Friday night, and I am grateful for it. Sometimes the wrong puzzle piece in the big picture is the right piece in the little puzzle of a bad day.

154 miles. I drove to escape unreliable friends. The stress of my sick dog. The unbearable loneliness that's weighing on me so much lately. My lack of motivation to work out or eat better. The small parts of longing that still have their hold on me for the ill advised company of Friday night. My own cynicism.

I got my driver's license when I was 26 years old, you know. I was terrified of driving for so many years. How strange that it has somehow become the thing I do to feel better, to relax, to clear my head.

154 miles.

Because it's good to remind myself...

2012-02-09T20:44:00.000-05:00

In the face of so much moodiness and frustration, I need to remind myself of the little things that are good and positive.

* My sweet dog. She was so happy to see me tonight when I got home, did a little happy bounding step about going on her walk. Brought me a toy a couple of times tonight. :-) She's nearing 14 and sometimes not very lively, so these happy little moments are nice!

* Pizza Bianca delivered to my door for dinner (even if it took an hour and 20 minutes to get here!) No fuss, no muss, and lunch at the ready for tomorrow.

* Brunch plans saturday morning, and a social thing with a girlfriend and some others in the late afternoon. Something to look forward to!

* Listening to "Take on Me" on itunes.

* Going to go take a nice, hot, relaxing bath.

Happy thursday. I'm working on the happy friday and happy weekend. :-)

Is it me, or is it the city?

2012-02-09T09:52:00.000-05:00

For years now, since my divorce, my mom has been telling me that the city is bad for me. People here are just not committed to personal relationships. The men are unreliable and uninterested in being devoted to anyone, and that essentially I was dooming myself to a certain measure of unhappiness by virtue of staying here. For years, I argued the point. I told her that I really didn't think the men here were much worse than the men anywhere else. I could go back to the Midwest and probably encounter just as many toolbags, but probably more of them would be divorced because more people get married (and younger) out in the Midwest. So theoretically, they could have MORE baggage than the gems I've found out here. My experience has been that many men are serial proposers, and have been engaged at least once. WTF? I guess the silver lining is that they were clever enough to escape it one way or another before marriage.

Anyway, my point? I'm beginning to wonder if mothers *ARE* always right. I am BURNT OUT, BABY. Burnt out. Not only is my faith in the general male population swirling further down the tubes with each week that passes, but truly, my faith in everyone is dwindling.

Case in point for my assertion about the men: A couple of nights ago I was on the online dating site I've been using for months now (with no success, thank you muchly), and I got a chat request. The guy looked reasonably cute in his wee tiny picture, so I accepted. The first message I got from him? "Hey beautiful! Ever had a man pee on you?" I KID YOU NOT. So I blocked him. Logically.

Later on, I continue a message exchange with a guy who'd first contacted me the day before. We've exchanged maybe 2 messages each at this point. His third message describes a self help type book he is reading, and how the last chapter he read was about how sex was beneficial to relationships. Um. First of all, OBVIOUSLY. He goes on to say that his roommate, who is young and naive, was asking him a bunch of sex questions as we were talking because of the book, and she is dating a new man, and he told her to be careful.

Confused? Wondering what kind of weird ass conversation this is? Join the club. I demurred a bit in my response to him, feeling a bit weirded out. He said "I gather you are not comfortable with this topic?" OH PLEASE, act as if me not wanting to chat with you about your sex talks with your roommate makes me puritanical and uptight, OH PLEASE! I told him esesentially that I didn't know him well enough for this to be on the table, and that in my experience when a guy brings up sex so early on, he is looking for something casual and physical only, and I'm not.

After that I got 2 messages full of self-important, egotistical, pretentious bullshit about how evolved he is, blah blah blah. It made my eyes roll so far back in my head I had to log out. He messaged me again the next day, I ignored it and then blocked him. CREEPER.

Insofar as my second assertion...I'm either doing something wrong and attracting generally awful people, or there are just a disproportionate amount of awful people here to encounter. I really don't know. Never in my life have I felt so overwhelmed by the amount of flaky, unreliable, unapologetically rude people. People who purport to be my friends routinely bail on me at the last minute, make plans with me only to ditch me for something better, or just don't contact me at all anymore. I am over this nonsense.

For the record, it's not everyone. I do have a few quality friends who I can count on to do something when they say they will, including people who read this very blog. However, I have more unreliable people around me than reliable. I had plans to go to a movie tomorrow night with my friend R. It was his idea because he has been a god awful friend lately, self-absorbed, outright rude. He'd apologized and suggested we get together friday night. I agreed, but all week long when asked about my plans I said things like "I'm *supposed* to have plans friday with R." Everything included might, maybe, should, supposed to. So while I wasn't surprised when he bailed, I continue to be disappointed.

Honestly, sometimes I think that if it weren't for my job, which I continue to love even when it stresses me out, I would sincerely consider moving. I don't know where I would go. I can't imagine returning to any city I've previously lived in, but as expected, the thought of somewhere brand new is terrifying, too. Sometimes I just feel like I would like a fresh start, maybe somewhere where the pace isn't so frenetic, and the population so transient. It's like watching a merry go round that is going too quickly...I want to get on, to belong, but I can't catch it. Instead I just spend all my time watching it go by, with others I know boarding it easily, with people they know, while I am me, party of one.

Sigh.

Speed Dating

2012-02-05T10:45:00.000-05:00

On Friday, I decided to broaden my dating horizons and try something beyond online adventures. I took the Metro to a bar at the opposite end of the map from where I live, showed up as a blazing solo, parked myself at a table of fellow solos, then "dated" about 12 men for 4 minutes each. There was a social hour in advance, and a social hour following, and I stayed for maybe another 30 after that ended.

My thoughts on this concept? Well, I'm a fan of trying new things once. Some things I like and will repeat, others, one and done. Care to guess where this one fell?

Speed dating is just not for me. I'll say it....these guys were BORING. What do you do? Where do you live? Do you like to travel? YAWN. Seriously, those are the things you want to know in 4 minutes to distinguish me from everyone else?

Like I said, glad I tried it once, but I think that will be my only speed dating adventure. Back to hoping or a miracle in real life, and dealing with online dating as a sidenote otherwise.

Next time I'll just go see the movie by myself!

2012-01-30T09:37:00.000-05:00

So I had my second date Saturday night with the guy from last weekend, he of the magical snowy Old Town evening. I’d been looking forward to it all week long. I was like a giddy teenager. I had my outfit picked out, my jewelry, how I’d do my hair. I anticipated the possibility of our first kiss, and envisioned him grabbing my hand in the movie theater.

Saturday morning he texted me and said, “Did you know this movie is 2 hours and 40 minutes long?” I replied and told him that I’d warned him it was long. This was the second time since Wednesday, when we’d decided on this movie, that he’d made a comment about it, the first being a comment about possibly falling asleep during it. I grudgingly told him that we didn’t have to see it, I would just go see it another time. He asked if there was anything else I wanted to see, I told him the truth…no. So he relented and agreed to go to the original movie. But I told him no, I wouldn’t enjoy it if I knew he wouldn’t want to see it. Entirely true. I refuse to drag people to movies I know they are not interested in because it takes away from my viewing pleasure, and I’ve been trying to see this movie for WEEKS.

We decided to go out to dinner then come to my apartment to watch a movie. Fine. I was a little bit annoyed about the last minute plan change. I was disappointed about again not seeing the movie I wanted, and beyond that, I had to spend a great deal of time that afternoon cleaning my apartment for company.

However, my annoyance wore off and my anticipation returned, and I got myself all ready. I looked awesome. New outfit, straight, delightful hair, all the right details. He suggested meeting at the restaurant. Okay. Kind of strange, but whatever. As I was about to leave the house, tells me he may be about 10 minutes later than planned as he was going to walk instead. Stranger, but again, whatever. I delay my departure to accommodate the latest change, and head out. I beat him there and get a table.

He arrives and looks very cute. The owner knows him, comes over to say hi, chats with me for a few minutes. When he leaves, my date tells me, “That’s the nicest he’s ever been to me!” I tell him, “You’re welcome.” ;-)

Dinner is good. We get along very well again. He compliments my nail color and my bracelet throughout the meal. Afterwards, we go to my car, and he asks if we can stop by his apartment for him to pick up beer. Seriously. I had told him before that I don’t really drink at home, and I never have beer on hand. So, I’m a sucker, so we stop. He tells me don’t worry, I’ll get a cab home so you don’t have to drive me. Hmm.

Back at my apartment I give him the 2 minute tour and we sit down to watch the movie. He talks. A lot. During the movie. This is a movie I love to show to people if they haven’t seen it. A movie I adore. He knows this. I keep pausing it when he’s jabbering. At first it’s kind of funny, but it gets annoying.

During one part of the movie, one character tries to get another to stop smoking. He puffs out in agitation at this. Important note: This guy’s dating profile said “Sometimes” for smoking. I didn’t notice this until we’d been talking for about a week and I already liked him. We discussed it at the time, and he told me he was just a social smoker, not an all the time thing. I was functioning under this impression until this point.

So he actually says something about how smokers are so oppressed by society. They can’t smoke anywhere. He likens people who dislike smokers to how he dislikes when people talk on cell phones going through checkout lines. I point out that, no, those are totally not comparable. Talking on a cell phone doesn’t make the person smell like an ashtray, nor does it have an adverse physical effect on others around them. It’s just annoying, it’s not a health issue.

He disagrees, we awkwardly wind in and out of this conversation before somehow setting it aside to continue the movie. I’m turned off.

When the movie ends, I go to take my dog out. He insists he wants to come with me. We’re barely out there 2 minutes before he says, “Let’s go back in, I’m cold!” I told him I should have just gone by myself.

Back inside, we sit on the couch and he flips through my On Demand selections for a few minutes, never taking his coat off. I ask if he wants to go home, he says, “Yeah, soon.” At this point I basically just watch him flip through the channels, ready to get rid of him.

Sidenote: He drank 2 drinks at the restaurant, and 3 beers at my apartment. Told me he’d walked to the restaurant because he wanted to drink and he couldn’t risk driving since he has a security clearance. Note also that he took a cab to our first date as well, for the same reason. Pattern.

Finally he says “Should I call a cab?” Subtle. I tell him no, I’ll take him home. I’m annoyed. I gather up my purse and coat quickly, lead him out the door. I speed to his apartment. We pull up, he gives me a hug, thanks me, gets out, and I depart immediately.

I get home and bemoan the fact that I just wasted all this effort on looking nice for nothing.

He texts me. Tells me he feels like he left really abruptly, he doesn’t know why because he was having fun. I reply, “You did.” He asks if I’m bitter with him. We have this weird text convo where he basically tells me he left because he wanted to smoke, and he knows that’s “a big deal for me”. I am NOT impressed. He can tell. He gets defensive.

He says, among other things:

You seem to have incredibly strict standards on that. I’m not a pack a day smoker. I do like one or two on a Saturday night. It’s not the entirety of me.

Sorry, I like a smoke now and then. Whoopsy daisy.

I’m not a Mormon.

I feel trapped if I can’t smoke.

At this point I’m feeling the not very subtle hostility. He begins to remind me of my most recent ex. The scary one. The one whom I chose my words carefully with to avoid sparking his anger. Red flag. I am just responding “Okay then” over and over. I’m not taking the bait.

We wrap up, with him telling me he’s sorry. He was disappointing. He would liked to have stayed. I looked stunning. Whatever. I go to bed.

Sunday sucked. I slept in until 11, woke up with a migraine. Took a pill, went back to sleep about 2. He’d texted me a couple times prior to that, I responded very briefly. When I woke up at 5:45, he’d asked me about hanging out again that night. At first I waffled. Then I thought of everyone I know telling me I don’t give people enough chances on these early dates. I rule people out too quickly. So I said okay.

He came over. He smelled like smoke. Gross. Instant turn-off.

We watched a movie. He talked less this time, probably because I didn’t actually give a damn about this movie. He sat with enough room in between us to hold another person. After the movie he said he had to go home, gave me a hug. I gladly escorted him out my door, and that was done. Done, done, done.

I should have trusted my instincts after Saturday. No harm, no foul, really, save for the nasty cigarette smell I was stuck with for 2 hours. Now I know for sure, and I can close that tiny little book and toss it into the dating fire for kindling! And I can go out knowing that I did look stunning on Saturday, and it is his loss, and we all know it…me, him, and the restaurant owner from Saturday night. ;-)

Just goes to show you, one great date does not a boyfriend make!

Chaste

2012-01-25T00:34:00.000-05:00

On Friday night, I had dinner with a lovely fellow. We met for tapas and sangria in Old Town, finishing with an exquisitely delicious Tres Leches cake. The conversation flowed. I laughed. A lot. I found myself illogically smiling throughout the evening, pleased with my good fortune. I felt happy and flushed with anticipation, even though the evening was already in progress.

There was a moment during dinner where I said something that came out wrong. I reached out across the table in a gesture of clarification or apology or something. We were both laughing, but he grabbed my hand and held it for a moment and told me it was okay, he understood what I meant.

When we left the restaurant, it was snowing. Just a little bit, but it was beautiful. We walked a block over to another restaurant to have a drink. Old Town is so lovely, anyway, but in the snow, on a sparkly, shiny, happy, new date, it was positively glowing. It was quieter than usual, perhaps because of the weather. We got a tall table by the front window of the restaurant, which meant we got a view of the snow beyond the window, the awning of the restaurant, fluttering down beneath the streetlights.

After the drinks, we left out onto the street, and it was snowing pretty well by then. The sidewalks were slick with a mix of the snow and some freezing rain that had mixed in. I'd worn these brand new, lovely suede ankle boots, which I'd luckily treated before wearing, LOL. Nonetheless, they had a bit of a heel, and it was a little slick. I asked my date if I could borrow his arm for balance, and he obliged. We walked to my car with my arm looped through his, our shoulders touching with each step.

When we parted, he hugged me. A short time later he texted to make sure I'd gotten home okay.

I felt puzzled. He didn't even try to kiss me? Did he not like me? What was wrong? I went over the events of the evening and all signs pointed to him liking me. I couldn't figure it out. My thoughts wandered from what was wrong with me to what was wrong with him.

Then I realized what I was doing.

This man, this date, had been a gentleman. And he was shy. I made him nervous. I could tell. Even if I hadn't known on my own, he told me as much in advance, and again while we were out. It was puzzling, but endearing. I knew that during the date, but somehow after, I'd forgotten. It would have been out of character for this shy man to kiss me on our first date. And that was okay. It was okay to part with a hug.

I am historically attracted to a very specific type. There is no physical type, as each person I've dated for any measure of time has looked dramatically different from the others. It's a personality type. Sarcastic. Cocky. Charming. Smooth. Knows just what to say and when to say it.

This new guy, he was an anomaly. He was out of type for me. He was charming in an awkward, nervous way. He was funny, but not in a sarcastic way. He was smart, but not in an overbearing way. He was sweet. Just sweet.

It's amazing the things that your brain internalizes over the years, the things that become a habit, an expectation. I'd become accustomed to a way of being with someone. Layers of heavy sarcasm over almost everything. Intense highs and lows. Tiny, almost imperceptible digs at my intelligence. A feeling of never having enough experience, or the right experience.

I want to break my patterns. I don't want to wonder what is wrong with a man when he is polite and well spoken and gentlemanly. I want to appreciate those things, to know that those are things that I want in a man, and to *expect* them. I shouldn't be surprised when I encounter them. I should be surprised when I don't.

It's a process. I have to remind myself often of all of these little things. I deserve better than what I've had. I deserve more. I am worth more. And beyond me, I try to remember the other things. Waiting can be a good thing. Anticipation can be excellent. Taking it slow can be exquisite.

I'm not saying this man is my soulmate. I'm not saying he is the answer to all of my previous relationship woes, the one who will redeem my faith in everything. I'm just saying that on Friday, I had a positively lovely, luminous date with a very nice man. It was like something out of a book or a movie, so scenic and perfect, like a moment in time captured in a bottle. The world became so small and snug, and I was happy in it's cocoon.

****************************
We have a second date on Saturday night.
:-)

Stolen words

2012-01-10T22:45:00.000-05:00

A friend posted this on facebook, and it struck me, and I had to steal it and bring it here for safekeeping.

She Let Go...
Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of judgments. She let go of the
confluence of
opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the
‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She just let go.
She let go of all the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the
anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it
just
right. She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public
announcement. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily
horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her
friends to
discuss the matter. She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or
congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her
face. A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
Here’s to giving ourselves the gift of letting go…
There’s only one guru ~ YOU.

Jennifer Eckert Bernau

Sigh.

2012-01-08T23:44:00.000-05:00

Today has been a huge blur of pain and sleep. Damn migraine basically ate up the day. I spent twenty minutes sitting in a hot shower, letting the water beat down on my sore neck, my old standby indicator of a migraine to come, and the gift that keeps on giving for the duration of the headache. I took one of my pills, didn't work, tried hydrating with water, didn't work. Forced myself to eat, took more meds, icepacks, sleeping off and on. Somewhere along the line I woke up and felt somewhat better. Now I just have that migraine hangover. My body is tired, my eyes are tired. I'm in bed, going to sleep again soon.

I am SO overdue for acupuncture, and I'm so glad I have my first appt. back tomorrow. I swear I've had more and they've been worse since my financially induced lapse in acupuncture began. Glad I'm back on track. I also have an appt. for a physical tomorrow morning, and my semi annual chick Dr. appt. wednesday. SO MUCH FUN to be had. Glad to be insured again, though.

Sigh. My body is so, so tired.

Focus

2011-12-27T00:30:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I posted, I know this. There has just been so much going on, and it's hard to know where to begin after a gap like this.

Today has been weird. I went home for Christmas, but it was an incredibly brief trip. With the new job only three weeks in, I didn't want to take off a bunch of time. Didn't seem like the best way to start, so I left Friday evening and was back in the city by 10:30 this morning. Told you it was brief!

The holidays were good, but as holidays often are, full of nostalgia. Special days like that are hard for me as a singleton, as I'm so used to being with someone for them. Last year I brought the most recent ex home with me for the holiday, and so this year was full of memories of how things were just a year ago. Just a year ago..in some ways it seems so recent, in other ways it feels like an eternity.

As time goes by I realize this is the longest I've been single since I was 18 years old, and at that point I'd never had a relationship. In less than two months I will have been living back on my own for a year, which is crazy to think about. So much has happened in this year, both good and bad. Growing pains, personal revelations and exploration, internal struggles about who I am, what I want, what I deserve.

The people in my romantic past never fully go away. Sometimes I feel like I am being tested by their continued resurgence in my life. Seeing them move on, even if I know we were not a proper match, is incredibly hard. I see their new relationships progressing, and while I know they are deeply flawed, some part of me is jealous. But I try to remind myself that having someone who things are good enough with is not better than being alone and being okay. I don't want to settle anymore. I don't want to make huge accommodations for the inherent broken qualities in people I've dated. I don't want to make excuses for their bad behavior. I want someone who I can embrace completely and with pride. If I can't have that, then let me stay alone.

While my professional life is finally taking shape, and I feel like I am embarking on a career instead of muddling through a job, my personal life remains a muddled and murky place. Honestly, it's been nice to have the job as a productive point of focus. All of my life has been spent either waiting for a relationship or working with every fiber of my being to make an existing one work. I've never put any real effort into anything else. It's been a weird sense of relief to find the bulk of my focus and self-worth these days coming from my professional life instead.

My job makes me feel like I have a purpose. It reminds me how intelligent I am, how far I've come, and how much I'm capable of. I have things to say, I have ideas, and I'm finally in a position where I'm able and willing to speak up about them, and where people who matter will listen. Beyond that, and perhaps most importantly, it proves to me that I am more than just a person who can be in a relationship.

I am more than someone who is too nice to exes who don't deserve it. I am more than someone who gives into impulsive decisions that may burn me emotionally later. I am more than someone who generally feels pretty lost personally in many ways. I am more than the girl who occasionally crushes on people she shouldn't, and I'm more than a source of dating story fodder for my friends.

These days, I take comfort in the security I've found professionally, even if it's still a pretty new feeling for me. It's a place to retreat to when I've let my guard down a little in my personal life and either gotten burned, or realized that maybe this time, I'm the damaged one. It is an escape from my overanalysis and dissection of every single thing around me.

Oh, I have so many other posts in me, things to tell and do that very analysis mentioned above...hopefully I will get to it soon. For now, bedtime.

So here's the thing...

2011-12-06T22:31:00.001-05:00

I'm kind of happy right now. Sure, it's only my second day with the new job under my belt. But DAMN. I'm happy. I love it. I am brand new there, but I already feel like I'm settling in. I know what the hell I'm talking about. I know what I'm doing. I'm not intimidated by anyone. I am knocking some small fears I've had for so long like they're minor distractions. I'm motivated, and confident and EXCITED. I can't remember the last time I've felt so legitimately excited about work. I've had moments before, sure....recognition. Praise. Kudos. Acknowledgement of my skill set and my abilities. I got an absolute ton of it in my last week at work. I had long, professional, equally matched feeling conversations with important people at my now former job at the holiday party, and I felt damn good.

Today the HR Director at my new firm saw me, and she was with several other HR members, and I was with the person I report to, as well as another new hire who was on the office tour as well. The HR Director piped up and told me she'd received a really nice email about me that day from someone at my old firm. Seriously? That is AWESOME. I am eternally grateful to my old firm for all of the opportunities I got there, for all of the relationships I built there, both in terms of friendship and in terms of colleagues and networking.

I got an office, too. I sat it in this morning when I got in, as not many people were in yet. I felt good about my efforts over the last several years, and how much I've changed to get to this point where I am more than okay in this role. I spent all day working my ass off, wanting to do the best I can there, wanting to let them know every day they made the right choice.

I love my friends. I love the firm I just left and so many people there. I love the potential my new job holds. I love that we might get flurries tomorrow. I love how I feel and look in my new dressier work clothes. I love that when I meet people in this office for the first time they've already heard about me, and are excited to meet me, and tell me how excited they are for my ideas.

Things are good, and I earned them, and I deserve them to be good, and I am going to enjoy every single (possibly overworked at times!) second. :-)

And exhale.

2011-11-18T12:28:00.000-05:00

Well, I can finally officially spill on something big that's been brewing for a few weeks now. It is part of why I have been so distracted/stressed/anxious. I have accepted a new job, and my last day at the current job is December 2nd. I start the new position on Monday, December 5. I am pretty damn excited. It's also scary because I have been at my current employer for nearly 7 years, and there are certain perks to such a long term of residence in one spot. However, comfort and familiarity will get you nowhere in the professional world, so when an opportunity fell into my lap, unsolicited, I gave it a fair assessment and went for it.

I am insanely proud of how well I handled the whole process. I interviewed very well, two interviews total. I met with all the big important people and impressed the hell out of them. They even ceased their second round interviews after meeting with me. :-) They made me an offer the next morning, I counteroffered the next morning, and within half an hour my counteroffer had been accepted. I advocated on my own behalf, negotiated what I wanted and needed and got every thing I asked for. It was a pretty spectacular feeling!

Everyone at my current employer has been so fantastic. They are all very supportive and they understand that the move is in my best interest, as there is no room for advancement here. Our Chief Financial Officer took me out the day I gave notice, and in my last week I have two lunches scheduled, one with my small sub-department and one with the entire bigger department. I am lucky to have spent the last nearly 7 years at such a great company, and I am going to miss everyone and everything I know incredibly, but I know I need to take the next step.

I'd been waiting on the background check to formally clear before I told my news, and it was finalized this morning, and so here I am, sharing my good news with you all. :-)

Just breathe

2011-11-15T13:19:00.000-05:00

The past couple of months have been so crazy for me. I've been going through a lot of things, including very soaring highs and very hard lows. I've alternately felt very aimless and very set in my path, and sometimes I just fall in the middle somewhere.

Work. Dating. Friendships. Family. Personal goals and personal failures. Successes and mistakes. Self-reproach and self-satisfaction. It's been a weird ride.

I saw my therapist again today. As often happens, in advance I thought maybe I wouldn't have enough to talk about. However, once I got in there, I talked mostly nonstop, often in jumbled, hurried, paragraphs. By the end of the session I realized it...I've barely given myself time to breathe lately.

I've either been legitimately busy with real activities, or my mind has been racing a mile a minute. Mind you, I've also had bouts of plenty of free time. But even in the quiet times, I can't get my brain to settle down.

My attention span has been lacking. I can't focus my thoughts enough to write blog posts like I used to. I've been reading the same (excellent!) book for over a month, which I NEVER do. I can't write in general because I can't sift through everything in my head to glean anything useful out. It's all such a disjointed mess.

I never just sit in the quiet anymore. I don't know how to be quiet right now. I always have the TV on, my ipod on, music on in the car. My phone is always buzzing with emails and texts and IMs or I'm surfing online or playing on Facebook or otherwise entangled. I go to bed with the TV on until I'm near sleep, I keep a notebook on my nightstand not for impulsive creative thoughts, but in case I think of something I need to do or take care of.

My mind doesn't know how to rest anymore. I don't know how to just sit quietly, disconnected, by myself. I feel like I always have to be doing something or talking to someone or worrying about the next thing. Silence panics me.

Yesterday my day felt off. All day through. I knew why, too. Compared to a normal day, I was interacting with far fewer people via text and IM and email. My phone wasn't ringing like usual, or buzzing constant alerts. I felt invisible most of the day and night. I actually felt forgotten, missed, ignored. The break wasn't welcomed, it was a reason to feel upset. I went to bed feeling off kilter because of it.

My therapist encouraged me to take a minute to just pay attention to my breathing. She had me do it right there and then, in our session. The silence was deafening. Ten seconds in and I was thinking about how I felt dumb, worrying about the things we'd been discussing, consciously fretting that I was wasting my valuable therapy session just breathing.

"I have a picture to give you, too. Here is a forties photograph of a woman that I found in last Sunday’s paper. She is seated on the grass, wearing a suit and a hat, her purse centered in her lap. She is smiling, but her eyes ache, and behind her, I know this, her hands are clenched. She can’t relax. She has forgotten the grass. I kept staring at her, thinking, this is me. Checking my purse three times for keys before I leave the house. Stacking mail in order of the size of the envelopes. Answering the phone every single time it rings, writing “paper towels” on the grocery list the second after I use the last one. I too have forgotten the grass. But I used to do one-handed cartwheels and then collapse into it for the fine sight of the blades close up. And there was no sense of any kind of time. And I was not holding in my stomach or thinking what does my opinion mean to others. I was not regretting any part of myself. There was only sun-rich color, and smell, and the slight give of the soft earth beneath me. My mind was in my heart, anchored like a bright kite in a safe place ."-Elizabeth Berg, The Pull of the Moon

I too have forgotten the grass. But I want and need to remember it again. I have to figure out how to let myself breathe again.

This Girl Can't Focus

2011-11-08T14:08:00.000-05:00

I am super distracted. I'm at work and I can't focus on work at all. Luckily I don't have a ton of work on my desk, nor anything particularly pressing, so my scattered disposition today isn't too much of a crisis.

I have a lot going on in my head right now, so it's kind of handy that I have my final free counseling session with my therapist today. We're doing a wrap up of our sessions since I returned and deciding if I want to continue. If I do, it will likely just be a couple more times this calendar year since I've already met my deductible, LOL.

It has been an eventful couple of weeks, with lots of things circling around, and hopefully soon all of it will settle down and I'll be able to talk more freely about these things. Right now I just need to keep my stuff in check so I don't get overwhelmed!

Slacker

2011-11-04T09:56:00.000-04:00

I have been such a blogging slacker lately. Partially it's because I have been insanely busy, but I think it's also that I've just had too much sloshing around in my head and I couldn't find a way to organize it neatly.

Dating. It's going. Better than it has in awhile, but that doesn't require much. ;-) Tonight I go on Date #3 with the gentleman I will refer to as Maryland. I am driving out to him because he drove out to me last weekend, and it only seems fair. I'm not particularly excited, as I've discovered that I don't really enjoy driving around Maryland (the state, LOL) because I'm still hugely unfamiliar with it, and it seems to involve a lot of construction and detours and other such madness.

I have many tentative plans for the weekend, but I have to be honest...I'm kind of hoping most of them fall through. I need a break. I need time to get some sleep. To do laundry. To clean up my apartment, run errands, watch football and DVR. I need time to just be on my own. I'm hoping to get together with a girlfriend who is in town Saturday/Sunday. I spend entirely too much time with guys! Most of my friends I talk to most frequently in the area are men, and that's fine and dandy, but sometimes you just need a break.

I'm doing okay, though. Gotten to bed a little earlier the last few nights, which is nice. Thinking about taking off work early today to go home and relax a little before my long night of driving and dating. The idea of bonding with my couch for a bit is hugely appealing!

Anyway, that's my boring Friday update. Will try to do a more noteworthy post this weekend perhaps!

Still around

2011-10-26T15:49:00.000-04:00

I'm still here, following the blogs of others, ignoring my own. :-) I'm doing much better. Saw my therapist Monday, going back again Tuesday of next week. Joined a gym and have actually gone! Making lots of plans with different friends trying to remember to keep my horizons broad and interesting. I am really looking forward to the next several days. I foresee lots of scary movies and Halloween shows, pumpkin carving, seed roasting, haunted housing, and general holiday merriment. There will be brunches and lunches and maybe a date in there somewhere.

This week I am texting someone new, talking to someone else new, and trying to keep it all in perspective. It's entertaining for the time being, but nothing to hang a ton of expectations on.

I'm proud of myself for taking control again. I've been keeping up better with things around the apartment, trying to take better care of myself. I also have some other things in the works, but those shall remain unidentified until I sort them out. Rest assured that they are good things, though, nothing bad lurking there.

National Novel Writing Month starts Tuesday. I have not yet brainstormed a single plot idea, but I hope to. October is almost over, and October inspires me. Fall inspires me. We'll see what I can come up with!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm still here, and I'm doing okay. :-)

Remix in progress

2011-10-18T11:24:00.000-04:00

So, I'm feeling a lot better today. After my little breakdown sunday night, I got a little more focused about what I needed to do to get myself out of this slump. I was still a big, emotional mess yesterday, don't get me wrong. I was in one of those places where anyone asking me how I was or if I was okay sent me teetering on the verge of tears. Just what you want at work!

However, in spite of this, I was productive. Very productive. I got the several lingering practical tasks off of my list of things to do, of which I'd finally made a new version. I did them all in quick succession in one of our phone rooms here at work, and bam, 10 minutes later I was done. I also made an appointment for Monday with my old therapist. It was the earliest appointment she had, but I figure it will be good to give myself a week to recalibrate on my own and see where I stand. I get three sessions free through my work's employee assistance program, so I may as well take advantage.

Last night R came over and I had cooked us dinner. Chicken sauteed with garlic and other seasonings plus broccoli, green beans, red peppers and zucchini, all over jasmine rice. It was so good to have a real meal, cooked by me, and I have leftovers for tonight. Score! R and I watched Monday Night Football and just hung out, and it was nice.

After he left, I played a little with my online dating site because really, in spite of what I say, I never quite give up. I've encountered more than a couple oversexed jerks lately, but I guess that's bound to happen sometimes. I talked to a couple of nice enough guys, but nothing super magical, and I logged off eventually. I do admit I stayed up too late last night, but again, that's also bound to happen on occasion. Overall I've been doing a little better getting to bed earlier.

Tonight I'm going to check out a couple of gyms. I need that physical outlet, but I also need to find one that's affordable, preferably without locking me into some long contract. I know, I know, but a girl can dream. We'll see. R also invited me over for a movie night, but that depends on how efficient I am with my other must-do tasks!

Anyway, just wanted to check in. Yesterday's post was pretty gloom and doom, and while everything is not perfect, things do feel better today.

Epiphany

2011-10-17T12:07:00.000-04:00

I think I've realized why I attract the broken toys, at long last. It's because I, myself, am a broken toy. At least I feel like one lately.

I am so disillusioned. I am tired of bad dates with boring people. I am tired of people who don't respect my time enough to show up for things when they say they will. I am tired of people who blow off plans with me, or hedge their bets to see if they get any better offers before committing.

I'm over douchebags on those dating sites who have the nerve to ask me if they can crash on my couch after a first date (before we've even had said first date). I'm over "friends" who are the first to jump on me for any perceived slight, but who are totally oblivious to the complete rudness and thoughtlessness they inflict on me frequently.

Lately I have just felt tired. I got blown off by half a dozen people Saturday night, and I ended up staying home, watching TV, and crawling into bed at 10:30. This is UNHEARD OF for me. I was asleep before 11pm. I woke up at 9:30 in the morning, was awake for maybe 3-4 hours before spending most of the afternoon sleeping. Did I mention I'm just tired?

My life is all wrong lately. I'm finding myself back at that point where my friendships feel one-sided, I can't find someone sane to date to save my life, and I just feel lost, directionless, aimless. I've felt rather depressed lately, honestly. It's a chore to do the things I need to do, and all I really want to do is stay home and lay around, or sleep. I'm just so tired and my mind is jumbled all the time. I can't even organize myself enough to make a list of things to do, which is something I've always done to an insane degree.

I cried for about an hour last night to my mom about all of this. How lost I feel. I don't even know who I am anymore. I have no energy, no motivation. I felt somewhat better at the end of the convo, and we talked about things I need to do to get me out of this place. I've done it before, I've pulled myself up and out from worse situations. I will do it again.

Things I'm going to do:
Look into joining a gym again. I desperately need a good physical outlet, and my current way of dealing with my stress is to just drive and drive aimlessly. Fine on occasion, but not a good long term solution. I need some way to get rid of all this excess nervous energy I get sometimes.

See about meeting up with my old therapist again. I need a talking outlet, a good unbiased one who will tell me the hard truths.

I made a list of things to do, finally. It was a small start. Also, today I have a goal of taking care of 3 lingering issues I've been avoiding (practical life stuff that's just seemed like too much work). Tonight R is coming over and I'm cooking dinner and I will NOT lay like a lump by myself for 6 hours or cry in the shower.

Something has to give.

Off.

2011-10-11T10:32:00.000-04:00

Discombobulated. Askew. Awry. Off kilter. Out of whack. Wrong.

Everything feels like such a chaotic, aimless, disorganized mess right now. I told a friend last week that I have been feeling like each day I wake up, and someone has taken all the parts of my life, put them in a box, shaken them up, and dumped them out haphazardly. There is no rhyme or reason to anything, just a different sense of disorder each day.

I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, and I have no purpose, no goals, nothing I'm working towards. There is not a single thing I care enough about to invest any measure of time or effort in. I can't focus long enough to get anywhere. I have been struggling to read a very easy read of a book, I just don't care. I'm normally a person who goes through books like crazy, and I've been trying to read this stupidly light book for two weeks now. I can't focus enough to come up with anything to write about.

I skip from Facebook to LJ to blogs to IM to texting to TV to sleeping to just laying around doing absolutely nothing, feeling tired. I am running myself down by staying up too late for no reason, I am exhausting myself emotionally by continually testing my own personal boundaries. I am muddled and lost and I don't know how to fix it.

I know logically there are things I should do. I should get back into working out. It will give me more energy, give me a productive outlet for the jumble of things in my head. I should start getting to bed earlier, start winding down sooner, get into better bedtime habits. I should drink more water, fewer sugary coffee drinks. Eat more fruits and veggies and fish, snack less. Force myself to sit down and either read or write for an hour each day, just to give my mind decompression time. Be more social instead of hiding.

I hid most of the weekend. I ran errands on my own friday night, turning down an invite to hang with R. Saturday I slept in, woke for a couple hours, then napped off and on all day. I watched football that night, after again turning down an invite to hang with R. I went to the grocery store at 11:30pm because I decided I wanted to make chili, which I did that night when I got back.

Sunday.....I ran more errands. Solo. No invites to do anything, and I would have turned them down anyway. I watched football and DVR when I wasn't out running around. Got about 15% of the apartment chores done that needed to be done. I just couldn't bring myself to bother. I felt lazy.

Monday. I finally got out of the house. Met a friend for lunch and hung out for a couple hours. Lazy few hours at home in the afternoon. Coffee date at 6:30 that lasted until about 9. Hung out with a friend for a few hours after. Mission accomplished: A social day.

Why do I feel so blah lately? I'm so tired of feeling so untethered. I feel so unattached to things. Sure, I was finally social Monday, but when I think about doing that all the time...Ugh. I'd rather just go home and be on my own. I guess maybe this is just a phase, but I do know I need to do something about it. I just feel off.

I need to create a new routine. One that's better for me. And in addition to the new routine, I need to do some things that are out of the routine, but still good for me. Meet some new people, hang out with someone different. Go on a day trip just to do it, even if I'm on my own. That might be a good solo thing to try. I just need something MORE.

Wow. I actually am learning.

2011-10-10T01:23:00.001-04:00

The guy I posted about from last week....I thought that since I hadn't heard from him since the Wednesday debacle, he was going to be the one person who didn't come back to me. I was wrong.

Tonight around 11:15, I got a call while I was on the phone with my mom. I looked to see who it was and saw his name on the caller ID. In spite of my mom's protests, I told her I would call her back after I took this call.

He sounded like his old self. The one I'd spoken to on the phone for hours upon hours. The one I spent an evening video chatting with. The one I'd confided in, who'd confided in me. The one I was fiercely attracted to. I was not my normal self in the call. I was more clipped. He said "It's INSERT NAME HERE." I said I knew, my caller ID had told me as much. He joked "What, it didn't say Mr. Wonderful?" NO.

He asked how I had been. I said I was good. I asked how he was. He told me he was still getting over being sick. He told me he'd missed talking to me, and that he'd been thinking about me for the last couple of days. I said something like "Hmm" or "Ahh." He again asked how I was doing.

"I don't think we are a good match." That's what I told him then. Miniscule moment of silence, and then he said "Ok", and I said "Ok" and he said goodbye.

So there it was. For the first time in my life, I saw the red flags and cut it off before I got entangled. I stood up for what was best for me. I didn't explain myself at length, I didn't cry, I didn't justify. I just directly told him the bottom line: we were not a good match.

My instincts retroactively yearned to have explained. To have told him exactly why. But you know what? He knows why. In all those hours of conversation, I told him about my past relationships. My patterns I was trying hard to break. What I was NOT looking for. How I was going to try to get involved in something good for me for once. He knew all of that. And even still, he acted out. He lived down to exactly what I am trying to avoid. He definitively showed me that he is another person who is not ready for an adult relationship. Another person who is not ready for me and what I have to offer.

In spite of myself, I do feel bad. I felt very weird and discombobulated after the call because I've honestly never addressed something so directly and honestly, before it hurt me deeply. I've never cut something negative off at the pass like that.

It was hard seeing his name come up on caller ID because for a split second, I got that happy rush I associated with the old version of him, pre Wednesday. I was excited to see his name. And when I picked up, he sounded like his old self. Cheerful, funny, sweet. And I wanted so badly to just be able to accept that and move forward.

But I couldn't. I know better now, like it or not. I know that those red flags would come back. I know that these good moments would not last, and that eventually he'd hurt me again, or disappoint me, or show me I was wrong to forgive him so easily. I saw the future with this person, and it was like a carbon copy of past relationships that went wrong.

The sad thing is that I still think he is a good person. I don't hate him. Deep down, and someday, I hope that the good I saw in him will come out and be appreciated. But right now it's all mixed up with the bad. Right now it is in hiding and he doesn't know how to deal with it, and I can't be the one to fix it. I can't be the one to convince him how good he is, how worthwhile he is. I can't be the one who bears the brunt of his frustration with the world because I'm the only one he really lets in. It's not fair to me. It never was.

I know I hurt him. But he hurt me, and I did nothing to deserve it. And then he called me days later and an apology was never offered. That should have been the first thing out of his mouth. But it wasn't, and that just proves again that this is another person who can't see past themselves just yet. Another person to whom I would be second fiddle to. An afterthought. Someone to emotionally drain and take advantage of without giving anything back.

I did the right thing tonight. I am proud of myself. I finally have some tangible proof that I am starting to learn from my mistakes.

But it still hurts. It is still disappointing. It's still hard. But I did it.

Progress

2011-10-07T10:35:00.000-04:00

If you tell me you're not a good person, I'm going to believe you.
If you tell me you are not nice, I will trust you are telling the truth.
If you show me you are not worth my time, that you are too broken, I will heed your warning.
I'm finally listening to what the world is telling me.

Honestly?

2011-10-06T00:56:00.000-04:00

Right now, in this moment, I want to just give up. Oops, I did it again. My radar for finding the most broken toy in the box did not fail me. I've invested HOURS and HOURS with this latest individual. I'm not exaggerating when I say that last week we spent probably 15 hours on the phone, for time periods of 2 to 5 hours at a time. Fifteen hours. Then we met on Friday night, and I was so happy because at long last, I found someone I clicked with intellectually and physically.

Cut to today, wednesday (technically thursday now) and he showed his crazy flag. He's just as broken as the rest of them have been. Maybe more so, or maybe he just showed me how screwed up he was so early that it felt more significant. I feel so many different things right now.

I'm pissed. Why the hell do I keep picking people like this? What is innately wrong with me that I gravitate towards this bullshit?

I'm disappointed. I allowed myself to get my hopes up, and they got smashed into smithereens again.

I'm sad. Hurt. Frustrated. I can't believe I did this again. I keep reminding myself that at least I found out early this time. I saw the red flags and I'm heeding them. At least there is growth in the midst of my own completely screwed up process.

I should have known it was too good to be true.

Too much

2011-09-27T09:18:00.000-04:00

I'm overdue for an update. Last week wrapped up as a very busy week, and I was incredibly grateful for the happy hour I had with co-workers Friday night. I definitely needed the break, the social side of things, and the laughter. After happy hour, the girls of the group went to get dinner together, which was a great way to cap off the evening. I got a nice, pleasant buzz and headed home on my merry way.

This weekend I saw the ex. I was out in his area to pick something up from my dog's old vet office, and he had something of mine, so we met up in a Target parking lot (seriously) for me to get it. I won't lie, it was awkward. I hadn't seen him since March when we broke up, and I kept thinking of all that had transpired since then. He gave me a hug upon seeing me, which felt incredibly awkward, and I said as much. He seemed surprised that I thought it was awkward, but I don't believe it wasn't a little bit the same for him. We managed to chat for about 20 minutes and things felt easier.

He's very strange about his new girlfriend. All I know is that she's hugely insecure and threatened by pretty much the entire population of women, in particular me. I don't know why..he loved me, but we were never right. Either way, he's super cagey about her and seems reticent to talk about it beyond the surface, which is fair. I asked if she was living with him yet and he got very strange, so I'm assuming that answer is yes, but I can't figure out why it matters. I don't want him back. He feels no issue asking me about my life, why can't I do the same?

This week at work, and the end of last, has been very hectic. We are insanely busy and I've felt very overwhelmed and a bit like I'm drowning. I've worked through my lunch a couple of times because we are in a time crunch, but I know that's not good for me...it makes me a little insane when the workload and stress levels are this high.

I had acupuncture last night, and it was one of those nights where some of the needles HURT, in particular the ones she did for carpal tunnel. As soon as she left the room, leaving me in the cool darkness, tears sprung to my eyes and rolled passively down my cheeks. Sometimes that happens. It's like she taps into everything going on inside of me and those needles act like a release. It was just a brief moment of tears, but after that I finally settled into a deep relaxation, and I think I may have actually fallen asleep. When she came in mid way to check on me, I woke up, but I think I did it again after she left. I needed that.

I was feeling a bit aimless after my appointment. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go to R's like I'd considered doing. I ended up contacting my ex-H, whom I'm friends with again for these last several months. I went to his apartment and we watched the Redskins game, and it was nice to just hang out with someone and not have to try to be anything or do anything. Sometimes I just get so tired of everyone either pawing at me or making sexual innuendo or even flirting with me...I just want to be left alone and talked to like a normal person. I don't always want to flirt or play. Luckily, and oddly, hanging out with my ex-H is a guaranteed way to get that break, and I'm thankful for it.

I still need to do a brief boy update, but that will have to be another post, as the workload on my desk is calling.

life remixed

2011-09-21T10:35:00.000-04:00

I love remixes. Many of my very favorite songs are remixes of an original. They keep the best elements of the song, and add in new and unusual elements, and often times end up with something quite spectacular. Familiar, but not.

I need a life remix. The summer of wild and impulsive decisions ends on Friday with the commencement of the autumn season. It was good while it lasted, and I'm glad I got to spend the summer doing exactly what I wanted, with no accountability to anyone. Yes, I made some mistakes. I let certain things go on past their expiration date. I trampled a little bit on my own dignity at times. I made a fool of myself. But you know what? I'm grateful for all of it. Every single up and down. I lived this summer. I made a big stride in getting a better sense of my own limits, and who I am at the very core of things.

I didn't always know what I wanted or who I was. But sometimes I discovered things by learning what I did NOT want, who I was NOT. I shouldn't be surprised...it's always easier for me to tell someone what I don't want to eat than to figure out what I do want to eat. What movie I don't want to see versus what one I do. I work backwards that way, I guess!

I cried a lot this weekend. I cry entirely too much. I know this. But it was such a weird weekend. So draining. Friday was good. I went to a movie with B-Day Guy, who I am officially renaming R. Yup, just R. Saturday I made chili and brownies, which was good. I got into a big argument with a friend that day as well. Not good. I went to a friend's going away party and then hung out with R for a couple of hours. Good. Back at home, ArtBoy and I engaged in what would be our final conversation, and I cried a lot. Not good.

Sunday was brunch and a drive on a beautiful day. Good. Got home to watch football and got an email from an online dating guy I'd had plans with for the week, who was cancelling because his old girlfriend is coming back to town, and it wouldn't be fair to meet me while things are still unfinished. Not good. I finished the day over at R's, watching football, talking and feeling better about things. Good.

I've been in kind of a down place lately. Jaded by the dating business. Hurt/confused/exhausted by the ArtBoy situation. With ArtBoy, I willfully dropped my standards so low in so many ways, and I accepted behavior from him that I wouldn't let anyone else get away with. That interaction was so, so dysfunctional. Closing the book on that chapter of my life was the right thing to do. But it was hard.

I had to get a push to do it. He ignored me for three days and when he came back, he did so with a completely inappropriate request, while at the same time couching said request with the information that it was sparked by "this girl he was with". Yeah, so that was that. I told him I was done with this. Within half an hour I deleted him off Facebook and Gmail. I had to. I didn't want to, but I had to. I am not built to deal with someone like that.

Anyway. I'm okay right now. It still makes me sad. The online dating site I met him at still occasionally populates with his picture and profile as a suggestion of a match, I quickly change pages. Google+ still keeps suggesting I add him because he still has me in his Circles on there. Honestly, I don't know if I even register enough in his life for him to have noticed he got cut from these things. Really I guess it doesn't matter.

So, my life. In need of a reboot. A remix. Even if I remain perpetually single for awhile, I will be just fine. I can take care of myself, and I am so grateful to have R to hang out with and talk to. He lives so close by and it's so nice to have that outlet, that place to go when I need a hug. He has turned out to be an amazing, totally unexpected friend. He treats me the way I deserve to be treated, and the way I should hold future boyfriends accountable to treating me.

I don't deserve to be blown off. Disrespected. Spoken to like I am a whore. Condsescended to. I don't deserve to give endlessly and get nothing in return.

Bring on the life remix.

Reasons Why

2011-09-19T22:59:00.000-04:00

"Why should you delete him? Because he's not right for you, and frankly on an emotional scale he is beneath you both in friendship and love."

The above is advice from a good friend.

It is advice I followed. Enough is enough.

Downloading the random

2011-09-14T11:47:00.000-04:00

In the midst of a workday where I am sifting through any number of undesirable projects to be completed, my mind is jumbled with random thoughts. I give them to this blog.

Lately, I've had fleeting thoughts of giving up on dating men and just pursuing Adele. Yeah, the singer. The one with the deliciously layered, soulful voice. The one whose lyrics speak to me in the way that only the best kind do, where it feels like the words are about your life, your heart, your experiences. Brilliant. Turns out Adele is only 23, so I'd be kind of a cougar in my pursuit of her, but honestly, wouldn't it be worth the scandal? I liked a couple of her songs as they came out, but recently have become quite obsessed with her albums. So yeah, Adele? Brilliant.

Two nights ago, in preparation for my plans that got cancelled last night, I spent a fair amount of my evening on primping. I took a bath and shaved my legs, I washed and straightened my hair, I painted my nails. I got an outfit ready, had thoughts on jewelry, and pondered the right perfume and makeup. I spent yesterday morning anticipating said plans, but all the while feeling a little tinge of fear that they would fall through. Fall through they did, around 2pm. Disappointing. So I was all sparkly and smooth and delightful for no reason. A girlfriend pointed out that I should just consider it in terms of doing things for myself, to feel good about myself. Hmm. Yeah, except that if I'd know those plans would fall through, I would have just left my damn hair curly.

I went out to lunch yesterday with the girlfriend mentioned above. I got this Italian Turkey Club panini, and I am still thinking about this sandwich. Proscuitto is my new favorite thing. I need to get back to Wegmans this weekend to pick some up, along with some of their deli turkey, some provolone cheese and some genoa salami. And bread, LOL. All of these things together make for a very delicious sandwich. This time perhaps I shall try it on my Foreman grill, to pretend it is like a panini at home. Why yes, I did just write a paragraph about a sandwich. What of it?

Got a free ten minute seated massage yesterday at work as part of the firm's Health Fair. It was lovely and relaxing. Got conned into a consult at the office of said vendor, lured in by the promise of a free 30 minute massage. The Dr. asserts with great confidence that he can do wonders for migraines. Hell, I'll try anything. The consult and massage are free because of their partnership with my firm, so I'm willing to give it a shot. Not dating anyone, so may as well have a stranger give me human contact, LOL. Kidding!! Mostly.

My mind is tired. I feel like I need a nap. It's a good thing I don't have any plans tonight. All I did last night was run one quick errand, but I feel like I mentally exhausted myself with my pity party. Tonight I must find a way to legitimately relax.

Wallowing, a sport for one

2011-09-14T09:33:00.000-04:00

Did you know that last night I had a major pity party for myself? It was festive! There were tears, unbearable coughing fits that left my abdomen and back aching, a pitiful hot shower in the dark, more tears (shed over a bowl of pasta I begrudgingly ate at 9pm), and the capper, me in sweatpants and a hoodie, curled up on the couch like the loneliest, saddest girl in the world. I went to bed without watching TV, and I cried some more, and I coughed some more. It was PATHETIC.

Nope, I'm not hormonal, just lame. Happens to the best of us, I guess!

I had plans with someone and they bailed late in the afternoon. Just cause, but it was still disappointing. Then B-Day Guy. He had a date last night, and had told me in advance that he was going to come by after. Well, the date ended up going way better than he expected, and so he didn't come by. He did call, and we talked, but I spent the conversation feeling sorry for myself. He goes on ONE DATE, the first he's been on in ages, and has an awesome time, and I go on twenty and they all suck. WTF?

Then he ended the call abruptly and told me he'd call me back, which he never did. I texted him and teased him (half joking, anyway) that I saw how he was, one good date and he abandoned me. He told me he'd call me tomorrow (today) and that we'd hang out tonight, and that he'd rented Thor.

1) I will not watch Thor.
2) I don't want a pity hang. :-)

This was pretty late, so I just didn't reply. To sleep I went! He texted me this morning and told me to call him at work, but I'm not interested in doing that, so I'm not.

I'm bummed because even though I don't want to date B-Day Guy myself, I have really enjoyed hanging out with him so much, and I know that if he keeps dating this person that will change. Also, I remain slightly scornful at his luck!

Beyond that, I had plans with a couple of girlfriends for Sunday, and they fell through, so that was disappointing. I did make alternate plans, which is all fine and good, but I'd been looking forward to catching up with the original people, so it wasn't quite the same.

Honestly, I'm kind of fed up with myself right now. I don't know what I want. I'm very quick to dismiss all of the people I've gone on dates with, I get hung up on people I shouldn't, I want to be single, but I don't. I am a directionless mess!

I went on a date Sunday, not even worth thinking of a nickname because it didn't go anywhere and won't. Talking to a few more people, but I barely care. Lately I'm just very discouraged and that's why I hadn't been on a date in over a month. I just expect it to suck, and it does. Everyone is perfectly nice, blah blah blah, but that's just not enough. I know enough nice people!

Anyway, I woke up on time this morning (overslept yesterday) and my cough felt a little better. As I showered, I thought about how ridiculously I behaved last night and was kind of annoyed by myself. As I've written this post, though, I've realized that I've not quite gotten rid of all of the gloominess and cynicism. I guess I just need to let it be and hopefully the day will swing upwards soon.

Work is really busy, and I have an awesome work event to look forward to tomorrow night, so that's exciting. I will take what I can get!

I sign off, the gloomiest, most pathetic girl in the world (at least last night). :-)

An Unintentional Compliment is Still a Compliment

2011-09-02T15:18:00.001-04:00

Last night I hung out with BirthdayGuy. For the record, I really wish I'd given him a better nickname because that one is just stupid, but I never thought he'd keep popping up like he has!

Anyway, Wednesday night we went on an un-date to see a movie together. We had a good time and I feel very comfortable with him and he makes me laugh. Last night he went to the Redskins game, and came over after. We basically just hung out and talked, and we ended up having a really interesting discussion.

Since we started hanging out more, BirthdayGuy has made a big point to tell me not to fall for him, don't like him, we aren't going to date, etc., etc. It's become a running joke between us, but lately the continuing barrage of the same sentiment has grown old, so I mentioned it. I then asked him, for the sake of curiosity, why he was so vehemently against dating me. I noted that I wasn't asking because that's what I wanted, but because I was puzzled about why it was so important for him to make that point over and over.

After a lot of inarticulate blathering, which is interesting because he's very intelligent and well spoken generally, he told me that a) he likes the friendship we have and doesn't want to ruin it and b) he likes to date people he can see marrying, and he doesn't know if he would marry me.

I had to laugh. I wasn't offended in the slightest, I was just intrigued. I asked why. The first thing he said was, "You are very strong-willed." I asked him to elaborate, and he continued on to say that I am very stubborn, possibly more so than him. (NOTE: We'd just had a verbal sparring session that lasted probably 10 minutes over the pronunciation of a certain word. I'd lobbied for my opinion intensely and told him that it must have been sad for him to be so wrong, LOL.)

Since we were being honest, I told him that I understood, and that I couldn't probably ever date him because he'd made it very clear that he does not get the idea of being friends with exes. He is very bothered by the fact that I'm friends with some of mine, and this is from the stance of someone whom I'm not even dating. He agreed that this was true, and it would have been an issue for him. However, he also understood my logic, which is that my last relationship was with someone who thought I could be just friends with no man, and wanted to isolate me from all the men I knew. I'd explained to him that in the 6 months I've been single, I've re-embraced my own personal freedom of choice, and that I was not going to sacrifice that again just because someone tells me to.

So it was a very direct and honest and fascinating conversation, and I feel like I finally understand BirthdayGuy a little better now, and hopefully he will feel less inclined to repeatedly tell me not to fall in lvoe with him. I also pointed out that I found it a little bit insulting that so many men assume that just because I flirt with them and enjoy spending time with them, that I have or will fall madly, illogically in love with them. NOT TRUE!

I have to say, though, the best part of that whole conversation for me was something that didn't get a ton of specific discussion. The fact that he identified me as strong-willed...I don't know why, but that felt like a glowing, awesome compliment. Truly. It makes me feel like he sees me as a strong individual in general, someone who sticks to her beliefs and opinions no matter what, and who advocates for herself.

My relationship with the Ex made me so insecure, and I was at the lowest point I'd ever been by the end of it. I had so little self-confidence, and no one in their right minds would have looked at me and described me as strong-willed. I was a pushover. Spineless. Naive. I got walked over routinely and basically asked for more by sticking around in spite of it.

Now I know that some people hear strong-willed and think it's a nice way of saying bitch, or bossy or demanding. But the fact is that when I hear that characteristic attributed to me, from someone who sort of knows me, but doesn't know me completely, I feel proud. I feel good. I feel like I am finally putting out a healthier, better vibe into the universe. I hope it sticks around, and I hope that it helps me attract the people and the energy that can appreciate my strength, and value the person it makes me.

Strong-willed, indeed. :-)

Packing up the Infatuation Baggage

2011-09-02T10:55:00.001-04:00

"we can't be friends
because you like me too much
and we are wrong for each other."

Truly, I have to commemorate these gems from Artboy because he says things no one else would ever say to me. He is a special kind of special.

Let the record show that after this conversation, the one that eventually made me cry, he messaged me again an hour or two later with idle chatter. And the next morning. And last night. And so it goes.

I know everyone thinks I need to block him. Cut him off. Throw him to the wolves for being a jackass. Believe me, I am not denying his jackassery. I am the first in line to speak of it, for I've known it firsthand many times. But at least for now, I'm not going to quit him to that degree.

If I can just retrain my thoughts about him, then chatting with him via IM or text about complete nonsense or just day to day randomness will not be a problem. Maybe it's wrong, but he amuses me generally, and I enjoy puzzling out what he's saying to me because half the time I have to google it to know what he means. He is unlike anyone I've ever met.

I am not actually in love with him.
I am not pining for him.
I am not denying that he has hurt me.

But the bottom line here is that since almost the very beginning, he has been very honest and forthright about what he can give me and who he is. I am the one who turned him into more than that in my own mind. It was the product of a weird infatuation I've had with him. Right now, when I imagine how I will look back on Artboy in the future, I feel like he will be the quirky, moody artistic boy I dated very briefly, then stayed tangled up with for a summer. I feel like he will be, in the tiniest of ways, the one who got away because he couldn't handle what I brought to the table. It's not about me and my lacking, but about him and his.

Maybe in a few months or a year I will look back at this and laugh. Maybe I will be amused at how much I overvalued him, and I will realize that in the end, he was just the moody, artistic, quirky guy I dated briefly. That whatever I felt for him was a product of where I was in my life, what I was ready for, and what I needed at the time. That really, I was never even a little bit in love with him.

It will be what it will be. And for now I will talk to him as I talk to him. However, do know that I will no longer be suggesting we get together. I will no longer be going out of my way to prove my friendship to him. I will no longer be throwing myself at him, or drunk texting him, or enticing him in any way. I do have some measure of pride, somewhere in there.

Perhaps you all think I am naive for my approach. Maybe you just absolutely know that I won't be able to keep the lines, and that I will purposefully or even inadvertently put myself out there again down the line only to get hurt. Maybe you are right. I do have trouble filtering my thoughts to him. I tend to just say exactly what is on my mind. It was liberating for awhile, but at this point clearly all it's done is overexpose my heart to him, and caused him to panic and pull back. So be it. I can't change what I've said and done already, and really, I don't want to.

It's weird. Setting aside the hurt, it feels good to have had that kind of direct honesty with someone. I spend so much time calculating and considering and hypothesizing and just generally overthinking, and with Artboy...pretty much everything I've said in here about him I've said to him. It's true. Was it crazy to do? I don't know, maybe. But it feels good to know that I was totally honest with him about how I felt about him, even if it was to my own detriment.

I'm not going to try to have conversations about how we actually are friends, or why we should or shouldn't date. I'm not going to try to save him from himself, or anything like that. But I'm not going to close the door on him entirely. I am going to put myself to the test. I will not just assume that I am going to fail in this new tactic. I am capable of reframing my attitude about him, and my expectations of him, and that is what I'm going to do.

As of today, September 2nd, Artboy is still a part of my life. His role is shifting and adjusting as I type, but he has not been cut from the cast. He is still there, in the background, intriguing me a little, entertaining me a little, and yes, probably pissing me off a little on occasion. But that is Artboy. That is Jason.

Your disposition I'll remember when I'm letting go

2011-09-01T11:35:00.003-04:00

Sometimes when a person pushes you away over and over and over again, you eventually have to just listen.

Withdraw, Redirect.

2011-08-30T11:06:00.001-04:00

That right there, in my subject line? That's my new game plan. Withdraw and redirect.

I am addicted to someone that I shouldn't be. Someone who, 95% of the time, isn't worthy of my affection or attention. Someone who draws me in every now and again, fierce and strong, barreling past all of my tenuous walls, and makes me believe in him again. Someone who, almost without fail, always lets me down more than usual in the days following those moments. He says things like, "Sometimes it feels like we should be together." Or he tells me that he thinks I'm trying to ruin him for all other women by being so beautiful and good with him. And when I get upset about him being a dick, he says, "Bluemoon (ok, he says my actual name, but you get the idea), don't be upset." And when I ask him why it even matters, why he cares, he says "Don't ask me loaded questions like that."

So I go to sleep alone those nights clutching those words to me like a security blanket. I get caught up in it, and I think that beyond his facade, he really does care about me, really does like me, but he's scared. He's been burned before. I rationalize away all of his previous instances of bad or thoughtless behavior, and I hold steady to the idea that I know the truth in him, and that it matters at all.

Then the cycle starts again. Maybe I got an extra few days of nice before the detachment came this time, but it still came. And suddenly it's like he is fine not talking to me, not seeing me. And all those words that felt so meaningful feel hollow again, and I feel like a naive idiot. Always the fool. Always giving the benefit of the doubt when it's not deserved.

Why can't I get this straight in my head? It's the same concept I've gone over so many times, the same one that I zeroed in on via another blog I love to follow: "I wasn't going to fight for someone who isn't confident in wanting me." When I read that on He Loves Me Not, the words pulled me in, and I recognized myself in them. I wrote them down, wanting to engrave them in my memory, like a shield against my own bad instincts. Clearly, I've fallen down on that job.

When someone is dismissive or detached or just willing to give me idle chatter at best 95% of the time, why the hell am I pining for him?

Because when I'm with him:
I feel like we are the only people in the world.
he makes me feel beautiful and sexy and special
he looks into my eyes and I seriously get dizzy
he puts his hands on my face when he kisses me
I feel like he is a little bit in love with me
I feel like I am a little bit in love with him.

But it's not enough. For awhile I was seeing him every week. Then we went three weeks without seeing each other before spending one spectacular evening together. Tomorrow it will be two weeks again, with no meeting in sight.

I go through the same pattern with him over and over. The distance settles in and I feel hurt. I vow to back off, to let things die off on their own. But as soon as I do, it's like he knows it, and he reaches back out and pulls me back in. This time around, my withdrawl only started yesterday evening. My resolve is not good. I've heard from half a dozen people how I should let him go. How he's not enough. How I deserve better. I know all of this. **I don't need to hear it anymore.** I am trying to figure out how to untangle myself from this, and only I can do it, and only when I'm ready.

I cannot promise that I won't get drawn back in. Even right now, with the reality of all of this staring back at me, a tiny little part of me hopes he will draw me back in. When I'm all the way back in the fold of him, I am happy and warm and I feel like I'm on the verge of something amazing. I feel like I have found this very secret, very well hidden treasure, and I'm almost done unearthing it. In those moments, he is mine and I am his, and it feels so right.

But I am trying. I know it's not healthy for me. I know that there is a possibility that by holding onto him, even in some small way, I am holding myself back from things that are better for me. Things that feel good 95% of the time instead of 5% of the time.

Hence my plan. Withdraw and redirect. Withdraw from him. Stop reaching out. Stop chasing, because let's be honest...that's what I've been doing for the past few days. I get one presumably drunk text telling me he loves me a week and a half ago, and I forget that I have any pride or dignity. I've spent the last too many days reaching out to him. Sure, most of it was just idle conversation, but damn....wtf is wrong with me? I need to knock it off.

So withdraw. I'm not initiating any more contact. What if he contacts me? I don't know. He probably will, if history has anything to say about it. I guess I will deal with that if and when it happens. Maybe I need to go out and get a tattoo of one of these various things on my body somewhere I can't ignore:

Don't make someone a priority when they make you an option.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I wasn't going to fight for someone who wasn't confident in wanting me.
People won’t always know how to treat you. Sometimes you’ll have to teach them.
Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.
If you spend your entire life worrying about being chosen, waiting for someone to make a decision about you, where does that leave you?

OR, more directly:
NO MORE ARTBOY.

August and everything after

2011-08-29T10:05:00.000-04:00

August is winding down, and in retrospect, it's been kind of a crazy month! It started with a trip to Omaha, and is almost ending with another one, though technically this next visit is in September. I had one date this month, and it was bearable, but not worthy of a second date. I've lost a lot of interest in the online dating ventures lately, though this past weekend of Hurricane Irene weather seemed to create a lot of boredom that resulted in me receiving a lot of new messages. I went to NYC last weekend, I've had happy hours and plans with various friends. I've (finally) gotten to watch some football, even if it's just preseason. There was the earthquake excitement on Tuesday, August 23rd, and the Hurricane Irene drama this past weekend.

September looks to be a lot quieter. No travel planned after I return from Omaha, and unless there is some spontenaity on the part of some friends, I'll likely be sticking around here. I do wish I could get to the beach before fall settles in, but I just don't know if that will happen. In fact, in looking at my planner for September, all I really see are football games to watch, Dr. and dentist appointments, and a firm happy hour at a bowling alley in the city. Granted, that event is always an excellent time, but it's still quite a change from the fanfare of August. :-)

I do love September, though. September means regular season football and college football. It means the tiniest introduction to fall. It means Labor Day weekend, which for me this year will be a 4 day weekend. I've gotten care for my animals squared away in my absence, which is a relief, and now all that's left to do is pack my backpack Saturday morning and head out!

I feel like I have a more introspective post in me, but for right now I can't pull it to the surface, so I'll just wrap up for the time being!

amusing.

2011-08-28T01:03:00.000-04:00

I was thinking the other day about how amusing it was that I made this big post about how kissing matters to me, and I don't just hand it out to strangers, but then a few posts later I disclosed that I'd made out with strangers in NYC. Is it wrong that kissing those gentlemen felt right while the idea of kissing a few of these men who have bought me meals made me ill? ;-)

Oh what a tangled web I weave! I amuse myself.

Hey, I've got my own baggage, I don't want yours.

2011-08-25T10:14:00.000-04:00

So I went on a date a few weeks back with a guy, I think I called him Sillybandz Guy. Maybe. Or maybe I just called him that in my head. Date was fine, he was very nice. We made plans for a second date, but I bailed at the last minute. Mr. Persistence kept texting me and emailing me, anyway. I had no intention of going on any more dates with him, which I thought was fairly obvious.

So last night he texts me again and I engage in some inane chatter. He asks (AGAIN) if he can see me when he gets back into town, and I tell him that I'm kind of burnt out on the dating thing (not untrue) and that I'm more interested in doing my own thing right now. He says he understands, but call if things change. I genuinely offer to hang out socially, anyway, because he was a funny guy, just not someone I want to date.

WELL. Apparently that was a mistake, LOL. The response I got was somewhere along the lines of "Thanks, but I have enough friends. I don't understand why I'm perfectly lovely as a friend, but not dateable. I won't bug you anymore."

As I read this, I pictured a grown man packing up his toys and stomping out of the yard. It is really not my issue if this guy is chronic friend material only, and I was annoyed that I happened to be the lucky ticket holder for the bitch fit. Such is life!

Hey SillyBandz, here's a clue: On a first date (or a second, or fifth, or tenth), don't spend an hour talking with great fervor about how much you dislike your (not even ex) wife. Yeah, just an idea. ;-)

(Drunk) Texting at its finest

2011-08-23T11:43:00.000-04:00

I got a (drunk?) text saturday night from someone that said "I love you". Oh dear. Yup, I know who it was from. Do you?

On the upside, at least I didn't send the text, LOL.

I did tell a dead sexy bartender on Friday night that he was a "beautiful, beautiful individual" and got my picture taken with him. Seriously, he was deliciously beautiful and the picture does him no justice. He used to model. SIGH. ;-)

I did send some intoxicated texts, but generally I just enjoy the lack of filter I have when drinking, so I send things I actually wanted to say, anyway. I'm sometimes amused by them in the morning, but have yet to be mortified by any of them. YET! ;-)

Five kinds of distracted

2011-08-23T11:23:00.000-04:00

I am back from NYC, and back in the office, and I can't focus at all. I am so distracted, and it's just not happening! I am not exaggerating when I say that I had the best weekend I've had in...years? Tis true. I had so much fun, it was such a liberating, empowering weekend, and I did exactly what I wanted and loved it all.

I look at the pictures from Saturday in particular, and I don't know...it's hard to describe. I am in awe of the fact that I am capable of looking that amazing. :-) I don't know or care what everyone else thought, I felt stunningly beautiful, confident and happy. I felt like I honestly kind of pulsated with awesomeness.

Beyond that...if it's wrong to make out with strangers in the midst of a weekend in NYC, then I don't wanna be right. I LOVE embracing the freedom to just kiss someone and not have it be this earthshattering, emotionally tangled thing. I met the first guy, S, on Friday night at a speakeasy we went to. He bought us falafel after (my first ever!) and helped us ward off a trio of rather pushy gentleman who REALLY wanted us to continue the party with them elsewhere.

Don't worry, he got a silver lining, too...he got to watch their faces when we walked off with one of him instead of three of them as he caught us a cab. ;-) He told us that he wasn't sure if we had wanted to go with them instead, we told him no, our loyalty was to our speakeasy friend. S was rather beautiful, with gorgeous dark brown eyes and big, full lips perfect for kissing a stranger. :-)

The second stranger was a gentleman we will call M. I met him at the club we went to Saturday night. He, too, was beautiful. I was kind of impressed with myself for the talent I was attracting! Very sweet, we danced together for about half an hour towards the end of the night.

The weekend was just such a good time. I loved staying out all hours of the night, going to bed when it was daylight. I loved getting all dressed up and knowing I looked good, I loved going to new places, trying new things, navigating my way around NYC. I felt much more comfortable there this time than last, and in a different time and place I could see myself living there and loving it. I love the fast pace, all the people, all the things to do.

Right now I guess I am just sort of basking in the afterglow of a particularly awesome weekend, and it makes it awfully hard to focus on things like work!

There are highs and there are lows

2011-08-17T12:13:00.000-04:00

Can you guess which is which?

In the last week I've:

*Gone out on a date with a man who claimed to not be a smoker on his profile, but then talked about "stepping out for a cigarette". Also, he told me he couldn't watch True Blood because it was "too gay" and that he can't watch two guys make out like that. "I guess I'm a little homophobic," he laughed.

*Been told "You are gorgeous and sexy and should never feel self conscious about your body."

*Been told my hair smells good, LOL.

One of these things just doesn't belong. :-)

Last night

2011-08-17T12:01:00.000-04:00

It was a good night. :-)

I came home from work and I just felt good. I put my ipod on the dock and turned it on to my new (to me) favorite song, "Cosmic Love" by Florence + the Machine. This song just gets to me, and it builds up to these really amazing points, and it makes me insanely happy. The song just *feels* good to me. ArtBoy actually recommended it the other night when I requested some new music suggestions. We definitely have similiar tastes in music, and when he suggested this song via the video, I fell instantly in love with it.

Anyway! I reveled in my (as) loud (as I can have it in my apartment) music for awhile before heading out again about 7:15pm. I had to hit the mall because the heels I'd ordered for my weekend trip ended up being out of stock and the order got cancelled. Of course I couldn't find anything comparable at the mall I went to, so I'm off to look again over lunch. If I don't have any luck there, it's off to a different mall tonight, and then I give up. :-D

After the mall I went to BDay Guy's apartment to hang out. He ordered a pizza and we watched "Take Me Home Tonight", a movie set in the 80s that I actually really enjoyed! It was a good, innocent time, LOL. We get along pretty well and he lives really close by, so it's easy to hang out.

I left about 10:45, and decided I wanted to go on a little drive. WELL. That turned out to be a bit of a disaster, as I got stuck in this ridiculous traffic jam on the interstate due to construction. GOOD TIMES! I ended up stopping at Wegman's while I was out, since I was out in that general direction, and I really had to go to the bathroom, ha. Too much water! I ended up spending 40 bux there, when I think I just went in for a drink and a bathroom. Go figure.

I finally headed home after that and spent some time unwinding and trying on outfits and dresses to decide what I want to bring this weekend. I'm getting pretty excited for my NYC trip, partially for NYC and partially because I get to leave town for a few days!

Today is my thursday when it comes to work, and I am barely focused. I'd rather be shopping, cleaning my apartment or packing, all things I'll need to do in the next couple of days before we leave Friday morning.

"I took the stars from my eyes and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back"
-Cosmic Love, Florence + the Machine

Kisses aren't contracts

2011-08-12T00:14:00.000-04:00

Kisses are not contracts, but they do matter!

I didn't have my first kiss until I was 19.

Including peck on the lip kisses, I've kissed 8 people. Two of them were from the date parade and were solely peck on the lip kisses. They were not my idea. They happened unexpectedly and I just took it, and they were wasted on me. I am weird because I like even my kisses to matter. I hate that I wasted two kisses on people I didn't even like, one of whom's name I can't even recall at the moment.

One of them was also from the date parade, but it was legit kissing, more than once, over the course of three dates. Sure, the guy turned out to be a dirtball, but I liked him well enough at the time that it didn't feel like a kissing robbery. :-)

The others were my ex-husband, my two subsequent ex-boyfriends, including the one I broke up with in March, ArtBoy and B-Day Guy, whom I admittedly kissed the night we all went out for my birthday celebration. Sue me! ;-) In summation, these lips have not danced around town with any stranger who asked...I'm kind of selective.

I know that many people consider kissing completely innocuous, something they can fake their way through on a bad date just to get it over with. I can't seem to get my brain to work like that. I cringe at the idea of kissing someone I don't want to kiss. I like to save my kisses for when I want to give them, not for them to be taken away or payoffs for a bad date.

I know that some people think I'm being too choosy with my dating right now. I'm not giving nice guys a chance. I'm expecting sparks and magic and blowing people off with real potential. But the fact remains..if I don't at least WANT to kiss you by the end of the first date...then to me it seems like something has to be wrong. I should have that desire. I should want it. I shouldn't feel annoyed when it's expected and thrown off guard when it's thrust upon me.

Kisses may not be contracts, but they are also not throw away things to me. Kisses matter.

Stop and Go

2011-08-11T11:39:00.000-04:00

I have started and quit so many blog entries in the last week I've lost count. I have ideas of things I want to say, but none of them are materializing beyond my own thoughts. It's been a weird week. I've laughed a lot, I've cried more than once. I do think the laughter side of the scale is winning by a little bit, so that's a plus.

* I woke up with a skull-crushing, mind numbing, pounding migraine on Tuesday. It was the worst one I've had in months, the kind where I have to try really hard to not cry because it only exacerbates the pain. I stumbled into the kitchen for a waffle to force down so I could take my pill, got 2 icepacks, and crawled back into bed. The pain was horrifying, and I tried so very hard to lay very still. I slept until 11am, when I woke up feeling halfway decent. I showered and went in to work, arriving by 12:30.

* As if that wasn't lousy enough, I then got a call from my Dr. with some less than desirable test results from my semi annual lady parts test. After three visits of nothing but good, I got a bad one, and it requires an uncomfortable, stressful follow up test that I've done twice before and hated with a vengeance each time. I cried. I was on the verge already after my morning, and I couldn't help it. Cut to today, where I'm obviously not happy about this news, but I'm focusing on just taking care of myself and realizing that there's nothing I can do but wait and take the damn follow up tests and see what happens. Cross fingers for me.

* In the course of two conversations with one unexpected person, I've spent probably 2 and a half hours on the phone laughing 95% of the time. That's just impressive, and it reminded me that there are better things than IMs and texts and FB messages sometimes! Actually hearing someone's voice, engaging in real time conversation, feeling the laughter rise up and emerge into the universe, for the other person to hear...pretty cool.

Beyond that, I have a date tonight. I went out with SillyBandz guy last Thursday. We had dinner and then just spent awhile talking. I like his personality well enough, meh on attraction, and on alert for red flags as he's going through a divorce and has a 6 year old daughter who lives out of state (hence the SillyBandz-she gave them to him). We scheduled tonight's date during a text convo the night of our first date, and I have to say that my enthusiasm has waned so much since then.

I don't know why. He's very nice. Very complimentary. Funny and genuine seeming. So why can't I make it click? Bah. It's frustrating. I'm honestly dreading it. If I could cancel without feeling like an asshole, I would. But he's so excited. And I've been half blowing him off for a day and a half under the guise that I'm busy at work. Avoidance is shady, I know, but damn. I don't know what my deal is.

I'm more interested in just about anything else, honestly. Oh how dysfunctional I am. I'd rather be on the phone with B-Day Guy (my friend brought him out with us on my b-day celebration weekend) or texting friends. I'd rather be at home watching DVR and eating leftovers. :-/

Reminds me, I need to do a separate post about wasted kisses and weird standards, LOL. Maybe later!

I have lunch plans with a friend today, a former neighbor who has since moved to a different area of town, so it will be good to catch up. He is adorable and sweet and we always have a good time at our lunches. Nice break for the middle of the day!

Anyway, that's me on this thursday, at least part one of what I have to say. Maybe I will catch up on all the half thought out posts in my head!

Coward.

2011-08-05T10:00:00.001-04:00

“The second principle of magic: things which have once been in contact with each other continue to act on each other at a distance after the physical contact has been severed.” - James G. Frazer

I will never understand how someone can be so tender, sweet and affectionate with someone one day, and the next be distant, dismissive and honestly, kind of rude. I am simply not programmed that way, and to me, genuine is genuine. I can't undo it, I can't pull away from it. If I feel it, I feel it.

Screw the rationalizations: He secretly likes me and doesn't know how to deal. He's overwhelmed. He's afraid. No.

What he is is an asshole. A coward. A mistake.

We'd maintained a tenuous connection until this last week, and I liked feeling connected even when we weren't really connected the way we started. But now it's starting to seem almost combative, and I feel that connection floundering. If we're not physically connected anymore, maybe the rest isn't going to work like I thought it would.

I do believe...

2011-08-03T12:33:00.000-04:00

I believe
-that a really good song can be transformative.
-that autumn is the best season
-that football makes me exquisitely happy
-that it's good to kiss a lot of frogs
-that the only opinion about my life that matters is my own
-that I deserve reciprocity
-that writing is the best therapy
-that a few good friends are better than a hundred lackluster ones
-that laughter is ridiculously healing to a world-weary soul
-that I will write my novel someday
-that holding hands is underrated
-that anticipation can be almost as good as the actual thing you're anticipating
-that today is good.

Expectations

2011-08-03T11:08:00.001-04:00

I experienced a disturbing realization this week. I started talking to a new guy Monday. He IMed me on the dating site, and even though I decline 99% of those chat requests, I impulsively said OK. We ended up talking for about 2 hours, and when I closed out the chat, I had agreed to a dinner date on Thursday. I felt....good. He was polite. Sweet. Interested in what I had to say. I'd apparently viewed his profile and not messaged him, so he looked at mine and decided that because my profile was so great, he had to initiate contact. When asked what part of my profile got to him, he listed off a dozen things. The best part? They were all the little details, also known as the things that spoke most accurately to who I am and what I love.

We had things in common. He didn't try to steer me down the road to sex talk, or ask what I was wearing, or what my bra size was. He didn't brag about his manhood, or assert his sexual prowess, or try to get an invite to my place. We just talked about our families, music, movies. We joked, I laughed a lot, and I smiled, and blushed, but only for the sweet, innocent kind of reasons.

We spoke again last night for a good period of time. Same thing---good conversation, lots of laughs. Still no inappropriate territory breached. Flirting, but the innocuous kind. Thank god.

I spoke to my mom after the first night I talked to him, and as I was telling her about the conversation, this is when I had the disturbing epiphany. DAMN. My expectations are really, really low.

These are the kind of things I told her: Once he learned my name, he used it frequently in conversation. He expressed interest in my interests. He was polite and well spoken, and didn't say things like "Yo gurl". He expressed a real closeness with his family, and a real honesty about his own personal situation (separated with a daughter-ex and daughter live out of state). He made me laugh without any sign of a mean streak. There were no offensive jokes told. No over the line sexual innuendo. And he was so polite and kind about asking me out.

As I talked, I realized how all of this sounded. These are not earth shattering traits or actions on the surface of things. They are simply measures of human decency, the marks of a genuine person. But they felt like GOLD to me. Personal to me gold.

I have become so used to people who take me for granted. People whose senses of humor require explaining, rationalizing, and often make me cringe. Judgmental people. People who thrive on tearing other people down. I have come to expect to give more. To work harder. To get less in return. It has become standard operating procedure for me to know this is just how it goes.

Sometimes I think about how picky I've been with regards to dating in the last few months. I am quick to dismiss people, even if they are perfectly lovely on paper, and even in person. So sometimes I think I am making things harder for myself by being too choosy.

BUT THEN. Then I realize that when it really matters, once I get down to legitimate involvement with someone, all of that fades away, and I'm left handing over any expectation of reciprocity like an unrequited gift. "Here!" I bluster boldy, "Take it! I will treat you like gold, offer to bring you things when you are sick, invite you to do things, ask how your day is, show an interest in your interest. Meanwhile, I expect that you will not really give a damn about what matters to me, and you will blow me off at will, and you will never offer to go out of your way for me. Cheers!"

I'm tired of being involved with people whose sense of humor is based on a mean streak. I'm tired of being involved with people who think it's A-OK to take everything I offer, which is copious, and give me bread crumbs in return. I'm tired of feeling like no one will ever treat me the way I treat them. That's bullshit. It is absolute bullshit.

I am recalibrating my expectations. I want, for once, to date a legitimate nice guy. Obviously I still require a sense of humor and a bit of an edge somewhere, but it is possible to be nice and funny without being an asshole. It's possible to treat someone well and have them treat you well in return.

I deserve effort. I deserve thoughtful gestures. I deserve compliments without a motive, kindness without strings, and affection for affection's sake.

I'm a sucker

2011-08-01T09:48:00.000-04:00

It's true. My feelings have been hurt by an idiot. Again. :-) At least this time it's not heartbreaking. It doesn't merit wrenching sobbbing in the shower, or mournful nights at home alone. It's just disappointing and hurtful.

I thought we were friends. I thought that beyond the fun surface stuff, we had a connection of some sort. I thought I mattered at least a little. But it turns out I don't. I didn't. I'm just a sucker, and I deserve the sting for not seeing it for what it was sooner.

I trust too easily. I put too much faith in people who don't deserve it. My heart opens so freely, and a fair amount of the time that burns me.

In spite of this, I don't wish I were built differently. I'm still glad, even in the midst of situation after situation that could leave me jaded and bitter, that I'm so open to people. One day I'll find the right person who won't abuse it, won't manipulate it, and who will be just as open back.

"People won’t always know how to treat you. Sometimes you’ll have to teach them."

Rationalization.

2011-07-29T12:25:00.000-04:00

It's amazing what a person can rationalize, justify and explain away in order to keep something going that shouldn't be going. Denial is a powerful thing, and sometimes we just want a free pass to keep making the wrong choices with the wrong people, even though we *know* it's wrong.

I am so, so guilty of this. All the time. With so many people. Let's just call it like it is: I like assholes. I'm attracted to people who are generally kind of shitty. Kick me while I'm down, I'll love you forever. No really. I'm that sad.

I should disclose that right now I have a really bad migraine. I've had it since last night, and I got terrible sleep as a result. I would have stayed home, but my supervisor is still out and so I can't be out. I'm here even though I feel like absolute hell, my head is pounding, the flourescent lights are killing me, and I'm nauseated. It's a brilliant friday.

Add to that that a bad penny I can't seem to kick out of my life popped up after pissing me off and hurting my feelings last night, and he just did it again, and I'm having one of those moments where I wonder why the hell I even talk to him. Sometimes I have this idea that he is really so sweet secretly, that he confides in me and values my friendship, and other times...he's just a dick. Period.

The point of all of that is that I'm in a bad mood already because I'm tired and I don't feel well, and I'm resentful of the fact that I'm stuck here at work when I should be home in bed, and I'm just kind of pissed off at the world today. Today is one of those days where I really wish I had someone to take care of me, and I hate living alone and going home alone and going to bed alone, and even though it's not true, I keep having this thought that all the men I know are such assholes, and that's not true.

I am not fit for public consumption today. I belong in a room by myself where I can't spread this negativity.

End scene.

2011-07-25T10:44:00.000-04:00

Morning has been less than brilliant. The upside to a morning full of downside is that I think I got some closure on something I'd been lingering on. It came in the form of a nice reality check when some new information came to light, and while it stung like a bitch, it's better to know. When one door closes....well, sometimes you're just happy to close the door. Rip that bandaid off, feel the burn of it, and move the hell on.

Cheap is not cute, kids.

2011-07-24T23:42:00.000-04:00

You know what's a guaranteed turn off on a date? Go out for a meal, and as soon as the check arrives, snatch it up off the table, eyeball it, then inform your lady date of how much she owes ($12.50, for the record).

The worst part is that I ALWAYS offer to contribute for my share once the guy offers to pay...it's only fair. They just about never accept, but this is the first time I've been flat out stonewalled like this. Guess who will not be getting another date? Yup, that guy. All over $12.50!

That was one of two dates this weekend. That one clearly sucked, the other one was meh. BLAH, dating.

I just keep trucking on.

2011-07-22T12:35:00.000-04:00

Happy Friday! I am having a not bad day thus far, which is a nice improvement over yesterday! I've got mellow evening plans to order a pizza and watch a movie or two with a good friend, so I'm looking forward to a quiet night in. And no, this time friend isn't code for anything! :-)

I think GymTeacher has gone poof. Honestly, I'm not heartbroken. I felt like we started off weirdly, and it was hard to get it back on course, so it's probably better that we both just move on. A couple of the guys I'd been talking to have kind of fallen off the map, and again, that's okay. I am all about letting people who are not really interested disappear!

I do have a date on Saturday for a movie and then dinner. We're seeing a 4:30 movie, so I guess the nice thing is that if it sucks, I still have some evening left after. ;-) I don't have a nickname for this one yet, LOL. My first inclination is Shorty because he's the shortest guy I've gone out with yet..he's my height! ;-) Uh oh, it may stick now. We'll see. Maybe he won't need a nickname because the date will be blah and he'll just be another guy I went out with once. I have to admit, my expectations have been tempered greatly by recent experiences.

Rest assured, I'll be making a solid effort to look cute and if he's suitable, offer up my sparkling wit and personality. :-D

Few more hours left in this work day and then the weekend begins!

Smurftastic

2011-07-22T10:47:00.000-04:00

Ex has contacted me a couple times lately. He's sending me pictures of his new puppy, and that terrible almost naked shot. I got tired of seeing his name pop up, so I went to change his contact name. First he was Two Year Mistake, but today I changed it to Vanity Smurf. Why? Because his latest userpic is a black and white, grainy self portrait shot of him shirtless.

WHAT.A.CREEPY.TOOL. :-o

Humiliation, Party of One

2011-07-21T10:06:00.000-04:00

I am having a day. Already. It's 930 in the morning. I forgot to wear earrings. I straightened my hair and by the time I got to work it had started rebelling because it is disgustingly hot and humid outside. And now I have a migraine coming on. I need to take one of my million dollar migraine pills, but I have to have something on my stomach first, and not a single thing sounds remotely appealing. I just ate one saltine cracker and it was like torture. I have 3 more on my desk and I'm eyeing them with disdain.

Really, I think this is all just karmic retribution for an hour of completely embarrassing behavior on my part last night. If I could just scrub that hour from existence I would feel so much better. It tainted the rest of my evening. The worst part? I can't even blame hormones or anything else. It was just me, falling apart at the seams in front of someone who shouldn't have had to witness it, much less endured the personal aftermath.

I'm not going to get into specifics because really, acknowledging it happened at all is enough. The bottom line is that I cried, very unexpectedly and very enthusiastically, in front of someone. Then when asked why I was crying, I ignored the red flashing warning lights in front of me and spilled far too much truth. I was such a disaster-crying, laughing because this person was trying to lighten the mood while hiding the inevitable horror at how I was behaving, and the vast embarrassment at my display of emotion and my inability to control it. I was fighting HARD to not sob unabashedly.

Once I was alone again, it came. I cried hard, racking, heaving sobs. Part of it was humiliation over the scene I'd just created and been a part of, and the rest...I'm still not sure. I know what specific moment sparked the actual tears, but it had been lying in wait before that, and once I started it was hard to stop. It was like I had this backlog of built up emotion, and it all just came spilling out at exactly the wrong time.

I was so embarrassed all night. I logged out of chat, Facebook and just mostly tried to ignore my phone. I was exhausted and I got into bed early, though I only actually fell asleep a bit earlier than usual. This morning, I woke up feeling tired and then once I remembered, embarrassed again.

The witness to my collapse last night messaged me just about first thing this morning and was very gracious about it by acting like things were normal. I don't know if that will last, but I was grateful for that. I was grateful that they didn't just run in the opposite direction of me, or use this as the perfect excuse to stop talking to me. I am still not proud of how things unfolded in that hour, but I do appreciate the small gift that was given to me this morning by my companion. Everyone has a little something amazing in them, I suppose.

Just took my migraine pill. I feel drained, but hopefully the pilll will help me and the day will improve from here. Just one of those thursdays, I guess.

I thank you very sweetly

2011-07-20T10:08:00.000-04:00

This is a post about the awesome people I call my friends. I know this blog is a lot of nonsense about boys (and yes, I know I'm 33 and the people I'm involved with should not be called boys, but I'm still 12/14/16 at heart, so deal with it), but the fact of the matter is that without my friends, I'd be full on insane by now.

The honest truth is that I'm one of those girls. You know the ones....they get into a relationship, and they slowly begin to suck. I've never been a critical offender, instead taking the more passive path. I don't cut my friends off, I just become less motivated to get out and be social. I lose the motivation to do things that are just my own.

Since moving to DC six years ago, I've had a hit and miss road with making friends. I had a very close friendship with a girl, J for many years. We were both from the Midwest and she actually grew up very near where I went to college. We were great friends...and then she got engaged. No joke, that changed the course of our friendship, and now here we are a year and a half later, and we don't talk anymore. I mourned the loss of that friendship for a long time, but ultimately I realized that it wasn't going to go back to how it was before, and I had to let it go.

Beyond that, I've had friendships connected to each of my relationship, and a couple of other good friends along the way. However, our paths were always pretty different, so they were never people I saw a ton.

This year, after the breakup with the ex, and after my self imposed hibernation, I found myself feeling changed inside. I was more open. More friendly. Happier. And suddenly, I was making a lot more friends. The weird thing is that this has mostly happened with people I already knew...co-workers and acquiantances. Somehow I was building these legitimate friendships, and the best part? They were reciprocal.

Over the years I've grown kind of accustomed to being the one in a friendship who does more work, generally speaking. The one who always has to suggest getting together, the one who has to reach out. I didn't often get reached out *to*! But now, things are finally changing. I have friends who call me to see how I am. Text me to say hi. Send me thoughtful emails, ask me to do things. Finally, I'm doing something right, with the right people.

I may be a bit boy crazy now and again. I may be a bit of a mess. But I am a good friend, and I have good friends, and for that I am so very grateful. :-)

Out of sight, out of mind?

2011-07-19T10:03:00.000-04:00

Ever been addicted to something bad for you? I think most people can identify with this on some level. Luckily for me, I've never been addicted to anything like cigarettes or drinking or drugs, or even gambling. I just get addicted to people. Turns out that can be just as bad for you as anything else.

When I crush, I crush hard. I'm like a 14 year old girl that way. It's just impressive to still have that kind of staying power at 33. Sometimes I swear it feels like I'm back in high school, except it's possibly more embarrassing to get butterflies over a dumbass now than it was then. :-D

Often I think the entire concept of butterflies is a disservice to people like myself. I mistake them for something that matters for more than an instant, and anyone who provides said butterflies becomes instantly imbued with more value than they may actually be worth. Sometimes, a butterfly is just your stomach's way of telling you, "Hey, that person is pretty attractive, and my body likes them, but PROBABLY for all the wrong reasons." In other words, sometimes YOUR BODY LIES TO YOU.

Lately I've realized that against my better judgment, I'm kind of a cliche at times. You know that idea that women like men who treat them like crap and while they *claim* to want a nice guy, they're turned off by guys who are too nice? Well, damn it all to hell, but it's kind of true. I'm ashamed for myself for saying that out loud. But if I can't be honest here, then where can I be?

Now look, I'm not saying I want a guy who berates me or tears me down at all times, or who tells me no one is going to love me like he does. But like it or not, there is some truth to this claim in my own life. Case in point: the guy I'm most into right now, all logic aside, is the one who:
a) Stopped dating me because I upset him by going on another date even though we'd had no conversation about exclusivity.
b) Told me he needed space from me and proceeded to ignore me for 2 weeks.
c) Started dating me again for a week, only to kill that by cancelling plans with me at 7pm on a Saturday night for that very night, just to stay home. For the record, I called it off that time around.
d) never wants to actually do anything aside from hang out at his place
e) most often contacts me with a super romantic line like "What are you wearing?"*

*By the way, the answer to that last one is generally "Clothes, dumbass."

This guy did not wish me a happy birthday even though we spoke on my birthday. He told me it's not his thing. He told me that his ideal relationship is a roommate who will sleep with him. DELIGHTFUL! He told me that he doesn't want to have to compromise in any way in a relationship, and that he sees nothing wrong with doing things exactly as he does them now and expects that to be okay.

So why the hell do I like this guy? I know you're wondering because everytime I put it all down in written form, I wonder, too. On paper, he's a disaster. In real life, he's kind of a disaster, too, but it translates differently. I think the bottom line is this:

He's what I can handle right now.

Yup. It's true. In my heart of hearts, I am a long term relationship person. I love loving someone and being part of a pair. But I'm wary. Very, vary wary. I keep getting burned. And the last one? Serious burn. It left me feeling weak and uncertain and lost. I've had to work so hard to build myself back up after that relationship, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid to lose the ground I've gained. I'm afraid that my judgment is bad. I don't trust myself, and I don't trust others. I expect to be hurt.

I guess that's normal after a difficult breakup to some degree. I know this is not an experience or feeling unique to me. But in a way, it is unique to me, personally. In the past, after getting burned, I jumped right back in the fire. This time....there's caution there. Hesitation. Skepticism.

So right now, wrong on paper boy is like a placeholder. He's not permanent, and doesn't even pretend to be. He's fleeting, he's unreliable, he's wrong. But on the other hand he gives me those little glimpses into the things I do want, in the most noncommittal way possible. Comfortable laughter with someone. Simple affection without calculation. Flirting. I get just the tinest little taste of what I want, but without having to sign on to anything. As much as I say his unreliability and his random appearances in my life frustrate me, I secretly kind of appreciate it.

With him, I can do whatever I want with my friends and still be accountable only to myself. I don't have to worry about hurting someone's feelings if I'd rather go out with a girlfriend. No one is counting on me to take care of them when they're sick or put my plans aside to go to their work party. I don't have to carry around all the responsibilities, physical and emotional, of being someone's girlfriend.

He's like a tenuous connection to intimacy, in the most superficial form. We do not have a deep and unyielding bond. We're two people who occasionally circle back around each other, and I think he likes it that way, too. He's not good at relationships. He's not flexible enough to be in one, at least not with 99.9% of the population. He's socially awkward at times and too much of a homebody. Somehow we offer little windows of balance to one another. I think he likes knowing that there is someone in the world who likes to spend time with him, but who doesn't demand too much of it. I don't solicit I love yous he can't offer, I don't require commitments he can't agree to. We get together once every week or two, then we leave and live our separate lives.

So that's how I explain myself. But the fact is that lately I've been feeling a little more tied up in him than I want to be, and it's started to bother me. I'm beginning to wonder if the novelty of being so scarcely connected is wearing off. It's starting to annoy me a little when I don't hear from him as much one day. It's starting to bother me that he doesn't really bring much to the table in terms of initiative. Today, I've found that I'm feeling the most distant I've felt from him since we broke up the first time around.

I'm kind of tired of the idea of him. I'm now growing weary of not mattering as more than just an intermittent friend. I'm feeling like maybe his allure is wearing off....and I'm wondering what that means.

I'm talking to a few different guys aside from wrong on paper boy, aka Artboy, for the record. I've been out three times with one of them, GymTeacher. We have a flirty banter going back and forth, there's an attraction, he's likeable. But I'm paranoid about him. As much as I love the sarcastic flirting, right now, I suddenly kind of wish I could JUST ONCE deal with someone who was a little bit more sincere on occasion. I'm not saying he's not capable of sincerity, and he's said some genuinely nice things to me, but I guess I'm thrown off by the sarcasm all the rest of the time.

I want to like a nice guy. A nice guy with a sense of humor and capacity for sarcasm, of course, but a legit nice guy. However, I'll admit that too nice is a turnoff. To me, too nice means trying too hard. Giving too much of yourself too early to someone who isn't giving you signs that they're for sure interested. It's such a fine line.

Two of the other guys I'm talking to are a bit more serious seeming than GymTeacher, but still seem good spirited and fun. I'm hoping to meet them both individually soon because I feel like I need to try something different. I'm craving that sincerity. Someone who is genuinely nice. Someone who doesn't get off on the game playing so much.

I'm in such a weird place. I'm hopeful that perhaps I'm transitioning out of the ArtBoy phase. I don't fault myself for any of it, or really regret any of it. I just feel like I'm ready for more. GymTeacher is a step above ArtBoy because he at least wants to see me and spend time with me, and calls to see how my day was, and is complimentary to me and has an adult life with an adult job and doesn't seem like such a grown up kid to me, like ArtBoy does. And believe me, I'm still going to see GymTeacher through because it's too early to know enough about him, and I like him a fair amount.

I've been feeling so introspective lately. I think I'm in a really interesting transitional period. I'm also realizing that even though I'm over the ex in the sense of being in love with him, I'm still dealing with some of the aftermath of that relationship. It's a little something new to add to the baggage in my relationship closet, and I need to acknowledge that it's there and it's okay. These things happen. Relationships start and end, and if you gave any part of yourself to it, you'll come out the other end a little bit changed.

Yesterday was five months since I moved out of the ex's apartment. Five months is actually a pretty significant amount of time. Maybe after working through this labyrinth for the last several months, I'm finally starting to be interested in finding my way out. I think I've been willfully lost for awhile now, and only very, very recently has the fog cleared a little, and I feel a little spark of willpower to start anew.

Bibbity Bobbity Boo, I pick....huh?

2011-07-18T10:58:00.000-04:00

It's a miracle, peeps. I'm currently talking to someone whom I've seen three times and actually expect to see again. Told you it was a miracle. :-) Let's back up and explain why.

I've been on dates with multiple guys since starting this whole online dating adventure. Aside from Artboy, whom I dated for a few weeks consistently, I've gone on maybe 8 dates that didn't make it past the first one. Out of those, only one is a guy I would have wanted to go out with again, but he never contacted me back. Them's the breaks, LOL. I also went on two dates each with two other guys, but I didn't really feel a spark with either, I was just trying to be fair and give it a shot since they were both genuinely nice. No go. I couldn't force a third date even though they both wanted to, so I backed out as gracefully as I could.

I met three date guy last week and went out with him for the first time on Monday. We'll call him purveyor of all my high school nightmares, or how about GymTeacher. Yup, he's a high school PE/Health teacher. I told him on our first meeting that his job represents very bad memories of high school involving laps and sprinting drills and a general sense of embarrassment for most sports we were forced to play. Except for badminton. I liked badminton. ;-)

Anyway, GymTeacher is a nice guy. He's 6'2", broad shoulders, nice body because he likes to work out. A lot. But unlike one of my other second date contenders who told me I shouldn't eat shakes and burgers and tried to con me into running with him, this guy knows it's all about moderation foodwise, and has yet to harass me about running with him. Thank god. I don't like exercise peer pressure from men I'm involved in in any capacity, it feels like a dig.

He's sarcastic and cocky in that way I'm attracted to, the way that I tend to behave when I'm on my game. :-) We had a good banter back and forth on the phone before we even met, so I had a feeling I'd like him. And the nice part? FINALLY, a spark. There's definitely a significant attraction, which is reassuring. After so many blah dates, including a couple with perfectly nice and attractive people, I was worrying a little, but it turns out my body/mind/heart just knows what it's attracted to, and I can't force it if it's not there.

He lives about 20-30 minutes away (argh), and so far I've gone his way twice and he's come my way once. It's his turn to come my way again, LOL. I offered to go out in his direction first because I'm weird and I love the drive. :-)

I have no idea where we're going, I have no real inclinations or deep thoughts about it except that he makes me laugh and he's attractive and fun. I saw him Monday and Tuesday of last week, and then later on Friday as well after my happy hour. We've talked on the phone a few times, including last night when he called to see how my weekend had been. I laughed a lot in that conversation, and it was flirty and fun and all that good stuff. So we'll see how that goes!

Beyond GymTeacher, all the other dates I've been on have been left in the dust. The one exception is ArtBoy, whom I still talk to on a daily basis, even if its just a quick exchange of texts. For whatever reason, I still like the kid, and we get along well so long as the expectations are in check...meaning that I know he's not boyfriend material. He's funny and he makes me laugh, and I remain attracted to him, but I know it won't go anywhere. I have seen him about once a week lately, and we get along well and have a good time hanging out, so that's that.

I do have a couple other things in the mix right now. I'm talking to about 3-4 different guys on the dating site that I'm getting along with well. These are all people I would be willing to meet up with if given the chance. I"ve been more proactive lately, messaging more people rather randomly, just because. I don't want to just be the passive one waiting for someone to come to me. Nothing wrong with seeking out what I'm looking for specifically! If anyone turns into anything noteworthy, I'll update, but for now they are just possibilities. One is an identical twin, which I find amusing, mostly because his twin is also on the site, LOL. He noted that in his profile to avoid any confusion, and also advised that he was cooler than his brother. :-)

So that's where I stand....somewhere in the middle of...something! Just where I like to be.

Secret: When I went to see GymTeacher on Friday night, we were very chill and just hung out at his house on his couch. I played with his two dogs, who love me, and we just kind of relaxed on the couch, and I got to curl up with him a little, and it was nice. I do miss that. End secret that's not really a secret. ;-)

Five months.

2011-07-18T09:57:00.000-04:00

As of yesterday, it has been five months since I moved out of the ex's house and into my apartment. In most ways it feels like I've been gone for so much longer. Maybe because that relationship was unraveling for so long before I acknowledged it to the world. I looked back through things I'd written from the month before I moved, and I was just talking like everything was okay. It's so bizarre to me that I hid everything so extensively, pretending it was functional and healthy. For so long, it was anything but.

The first month after I moved out was so hard. I remember feeling so depressed, so sad, so sapped of energy. I remember crying all the time, barely having the motivation to walk the dog. I remember going to bed each night mourning the empty space beside me, and waking up each morning and remembering that I was alone, and feeling so lost.

I am so grateful to have escaped that dark cloud. It followed me for so many months in that relationship. I became the worst version of myself I'd ever been...the most insecure. The most isolated. The most dishonest to myself. I was holding myself back in so many ways, rationalizing the ex's bad behavior, making excuses for why I was sticking around for it, and worst of all, after I moved out and thene we broke up, trying to justify in my head why I wanted him back after how poorly he treated me.

I know I'm not blameless for the path my life took with him. I know I played into it, and I taught him what was acceptable in terms of treatment of me. And I know I'm not perfect now, and that I'm probably making a lot of mistakes. But there's a difference. The mistakes I'm making now are my own. Only mine. No one else gets a vote. If I screw something up, I have only myself to blame.

People can lecture me, and scold me, and tell me I'm going wrong. But ultimately it's my call, and I still relish that fact every.single.day. It may seem like such a small thing to people who've lived their lives that way for a long time, but for me it still feels new and precious. It's the gift I was never brave enough to give myself until very recently.

Five months. Cheers to me. :)

Sometimes

2011-07-15T00:02:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it is fun to break the rules. To do what you're not supposed to. To defy expectations. To *make* your own rules and say damn all the rest.

Off to watch some Freaks and Geeks and then get some sleep. :-)

Waffling, it's my expertise.

2011-07-13T00:30:00.000-04:00

I know some of you have asked to hear about the good date, but here's the thing: I saw the guy again tonight, and now I'm thinking I should give this a wait and see approach. I'm all up inside my own head about this, and I have this fear that I'm behaving stupidly out of some misguided attachment to someone I claim to have let go of, but haven't completely. :-/

I need a little processing time to see where I stand on all of this tomorrow. I do believe he wants to see me again, but I think I need to get a handle on what's going on in my head before I commit. Sorry for being all vague, but honestly, I'm embarrassed of where I stand right now, all muddled up in someone not deserving of the attention, and I'm trying to figure out how to extricate myself efficiently.

This is all complicated by the fact that I have to see the subject of all this discussion either tomorrow or thursday. I'll probably aim for tomorrow assuming he's around, but he has something of mine I left the last time I was over, and I need to pick it up. Whether or not it's a straightforward pickup or an evening hanging out or something along those lines, I'm not sure yet. So much gray area, and yet really it's so obvious.

Why do I hold onto the ones I should let go of?

3:20 am and here I am....

2011-07-12T03:20:00.001-04:00

I finally had a good date. :-)

Today is a better day.

2011-07-07T12:46:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling much better today. Yesterday was just one of those days I have every now and again! I actually felt significantly better when I got home from work, and I had a good, if quiet, evening.

Miscellaneous thought for the day:

Men are incredibly predictable. The SECOND you back off of them, they are chasing back after you. It's kind of sad, but kind of entertaining. :-)

I still need to do a post about my recent dates, including the really bad one I had. Entertainment for the masses!

Potential.

2011-07-06T10:50:00.001-04:00

"I have learned that you can't change people and that you should never fall in love with someone's potential."
-Kimberlee Auerbach

I'm currently rereading a book I bought from a Borders bargain bin a couple of years ago. It's called "The Devil, The Lovers, & Me" and it's written by Kimberlee Auerbach. It's described on the front cover as "an irresistible memoir for anyone who's ever wondered what's coming next".

I love this book. I don't know why exactly, but it speaks to me. The cover is kind of ridiculous, and basically the narrator goes to see a tarot card reader and for each card that's dealt in her reading, you get a flashback or look back into her life to explain how that card is significant to her in her journey. There are so many quotes in this book that I love, and the one opening this entry is one of them.

I guess if I had to re-appropriate that quote as my own, I'd have to amend it to read "I am learning.." because clearly that is a lesson I'm still stuck on. I am notorious for falling for someone's potential as opposed to the person they actually are at the time. I look at people and I see all of the good things they are capable of, the kindness they have tucked in them somewhere, the ability to be something wonderful somewhere down the line. But generally when I am seeing this, they are a work in progress. Under construction. Full of detours and roadblocks. And we all are works in progress to a degree, I get that. But I tend to fall for the projects that are permanently stalled.

I guess that at heart I am a fixer. A caretaker. As much as I've tried to deny it, I guess I like the feeling of helping people turn a positive corner. Being their cheerleader, the one who shows them the way. I get such pleasure out of the small things in life, and sometimes I feel like I want everyone else to experience the world that way, too, and I make it my mission to show them how. Guess what? It almost never works.

People are who they are. They evolve and change and grow, but sometimes they regress or even just stand still. Sometimes staying in place is just as bad as moving backward. And whichever direction a person is going, they are going to keep on going in that direction until they are ready to change course. Nothing I do or say or show them is going to alter that path.

I keep falling for the works in progress. I keep looking past the faults and flaws and envisioning the greatness that could come to pass for these people, all the awesome ways they may open up down the line. But the reality is that right now, these people have nothing to offer me but fleeting happiness, most of it very superficial.

Here is another quote from the book, one I can identify with so clearly that it almost hurts. This is my life, and this is where I'm trying to get to.

""My life is complicated. I really don't think I can give you the attention you need and deserve."

So I ended it. Just like that. I didn't linger for 2 years. I didn't crawl back into bed, wishing he could love me the way I needed to be loved. I made a choice, bold and strong."

Do you know how many times I've heard that? I can't give you what you need/want/deserve. I am saving you from the mess that is me. This was fun, but you're too much work, you want too much, you expect me to follow through on things I say and do what I agree to do and it's all too much to handle. You are an obligation I do not want to meet right now, so I'm going to pretend it's about me being inadequate when really it just means that you're not the person I'm willing to put the work in for.

It may be true that I deserve better, but it would be nice if that were left up to me to decide. I'm tired of the decision being made for me, the power taken out of my hands. I'm weary of never being the right person. I'm exhausted of potential, I want someone who's actually reaching their potential, or exceeding it. I don't want a project, I want a partner.

I do apologize for the tone of my posts so far this week. I guess I've just been feeling kind of introspective, and really thinking a lot about what's been going on in my life lately, and where I am in it, and what I'm bringing to the table. I'm trying to break the bad patterns and figure out how to redirect myself. This life is in need of a serious recalibration, and I guess I'm just muddling through trying to figure out how to start.

Better to be Single than Settle

2011-07-05T10:05:00.000-04:00

I'm tired of settling. I'm tired of getting into relationships wherein I feel the need to justify my continued presence there, where I need to rationalize and explain away the behavior of my partner, and where I give far more than I get in return. Companionship is great, but at what cost?

I was really sad about being alone last night for the holiday evening. But I was thinking about it this morning. Would I have rather had the company of someone like the ex, who generally made me feel like an insecure little girl all the time? Sure, we could have skimmed the surface and I wouldn't have been alone, but I also wouldn't have been with anyone who actually made me feel good about myself.

I can't figure out why it feels like such a crime to expect more. Why I fault myself for expecting too much, when really I I just want someone who will treat me with the same level of respect I treat people, and appreciate me as much as I would them. Sometimes I convince myself that I'm being unrealistic to expect that kind of reciprocity....that there is likely no man in the world who will be able to match what I have to offer.

I hope that doesn't sound cocky, but the fact is that I'm awesome in relationships. Possibly too awesome because I tend to bestow my gifts upon people way past the point that they deserve them. I don't know how to be any other way, and as much as I bemoan it sometimes, I really don't want to be any other way. I like knowing that I love with every fiber of my being, that I give 150% in a relationship, and that my devotion knows no bounds when I love someone.

Yes, I get burned. Sure, it would maybe be easier if I gave less of myself, if I held back a little. But I guess I just don't see the point. I can't change who I am.

Even now, I've found myself at a point where I'm starting to feel like my 17 year old self again....a bit hopeless about my romantic future. At 17 I'd never been kissed, never been on a date, never been in love. I thought I'd be alone forever because I felt so far behind everyone else. I felt so disconnected from the entire idea of being close to a man, and it just turned into something that I couldn't even imagine happening in my own life.

I feel like I'm back there now. I've had three major relationships in my life, and now I've been on multiple dates with others, and only three have made it past one date. But those dates have either been entirely spark-less or they've offered the kind of sparks that are fleeting and that will not move me forward.

I don't want to be stuck in place. But I also don't want to latch onto the first nice guy to come around just because I don't want to be alone. I don't want to fall back into old patterns for the company. I don't want to settle for less than what I logically (and in my heart) know that I deserve. If that means that I'm alone forever.....I don't know. If that means that I'm alone for a long time, okay. It sucks, but I'm tired of selling myself short. I'm tired of telling myself that this is enough, it will do, probably there's nothing better out there. That's a shitty way to think.

Life is going to be what it's going to be. There will be good dates that go nowhere. There will be bad dates that at one moment make me depressed and at another moment make me laugh. There will be times of no dates, when I need a break, or the universe isn't feeling it, and sometimes that may suck, and other times it may be just what I need. There will be holidays spent alone, there will be holidays spent with friends. I will sometimes be the single one in a group of couples.

There will be exes that come back. Some will come back for good reasons, with good intentions of actual, reciprocal, respectful friendship. Some will come back to continue the patterns established in our now failed relationships. I will need to continue to refine my ability to say no, and to do what's best for me in spite of instincts to the contrary. I will need to look out for myself because ultimately, for right now, no one else is doing it for me.

I will make mistakes. Some will be willful mistakes, with full knowledge of my error in judgment in advance. Some will be completely unintentional and unexpected, and those will hurt more.

I will be hurt. Disappointed. Let down. I will feel cynical and sad and pessimistic and gloomy. I will wonder if I'm doomed to be alone, and I will feel sorry for myself sometimes.

But. I will also have fun. I will celebrate the freedom I have to do exactly what I want when I want with no accountability to anyone. I can kiss someone I just met if I feel like it and not feel like it is a betrayal to anyone. I can go out dancing with a girlfriend until 3 in the morning and dance with a handful of strangers throughout the evening and go home alone. I can leave my apartment and just go drive for 30 minutes or 3 hours if I want to.

I will continue to learn what I want and what I don't want, and it's okay if that means my standards go up. I will get used to the idea that I deserve all of the things that I want, and that it's not greedy or wrong or unrealistic to expect to be respected and loved and appreciated.

I will continue to learn how to love myself, and not to fault myself for mistakes, or judge my actions too harshly when I do stupid things, or impulsive things, or out of character things. It's good to shake things up every now and again. It's good to break the mold. I am a constantly changing and evolving person, and I have an endless potential for growth. I've not yet reached the peak of my awesomeness, and I've not yet reached the finish line of my happiness. There is more to come.

"I learned to love myself, because I sleep with myself every night and I wake up with myself every morning, and if I don't like myself, there's no reason to even live the life." -Gabourey Sidibe

Independence Day, indeed.

2011-07-04T21:16:00.000-04:00

Without a doubt, this is the single loneliest 4th of July evening I've ever had. I went to a baseball game this afternoon, but I was home by 5:30. I puttered around my apartment for about 15 minutes before I got restless, so I fed the animals and headed out for a drive. I've been doing that a lot lately....driving for the sake of driving. It helps me clear my mind a little bit. I can play my music as loud as I want to, sing along if I want, and there's no one there to give a damn. It forces me out of my head and out of my apartment, which sometimes just seems so empty.

Tonight, I feel lonely. I had a fairly busy weekend, spent time with various friends, went out on a date. But today, on Independence Day, I'm at home alone. I drove around for about 45 minutes before stopping by the grocery store. I made myself a small homemade pizza for dinner, then baked some Funfetti cupcakes, which I'll be frosting here shortly. I guess I just felt like treating myself because I knew the night was not exactly how I wanted it to be.

The ex and I broke up towards the end of March. I've been on my own for over 3 months now. It feels like so much longer sometimes. I've been on several dates, but nothing has clicked the right way. Either it clicks, but the person is just not ready to give me what I need, or it doesn't click at all. This sounds ridiculous, but I've never had to try so hard to find someone to be with before.

I miss having someone to spend the holidays with. Being at home on the 4th of July when you're with someone you want to be with is an entirely different experience than being at home on the 4th of July because you have no one to be with.

Today is hard.

Delayed Reaction

2011-07-01T00:06:00.000-04:00

So I talked to my ex earlier this week. The ex that was the subject of the very breakup that sparked this blog. The one I spent months missing, thinking about...whitewashing the memories.

He'd contacted me last week on my birthday to say "Happy birthday" via text. Because I am a dumbass, I asked "Can we be friends yet? :-)" I put that effing smiley in there to lighten it up, but I did mean it. I don't know why. He replied "I don't think my girl would like that." So I replied, "No worries! Thanks for the birthday wishes, take care!"

So that was that. Or so I thought. Then on Monday I got an email from him:
I hope you had a great birthday - I would like to be friends with you. I miss you terribly. I guess when you asked me on Friday I wanted to be mean because I was/am so hurt by everything that's been going on. If there is a way to be friends I'd really like to figure that out because you were and are my best friend and I really miss talking to you. I hope you had a great time this past weekend.

Yeah, I copied and pasted it. So what. The bastard doesn't merit any privacy anymore with me.

I told him I wanted to be friends, but I didn't know how to start. He said:
I don't have any ideas and I have no clue how to start. I think it will go fine for a bit then one of us will ask about the others boyfriend/girlfriend and get their feelings hurt. I'm dating someone else but I think about you. :( It sucks to admit that but I still think about you all the time. I don't know. Maybe not a good idea.

I told him I understood, and that if it were an issue we shouldn't bother. He said:
You were ready to move on I wasn't.

We continued chitchatting, though, and then I got an email from him telling me that he'd been swimming a lot, and had lost his belly fat. He also mentioned his new car, and then attached two pictures. The first was of the aforementioned car. The second was of him, standing in front of his bathroom mirror with no clothes on, taking a picture of himself with one hand and with his other hand covering his junk. It was cut off just in time to avoid being indecent, but I could see the top of the hand on his package, and I opened that thing at work. :-/

I pointed out the level of decency of the picture and he said something about how "oops, should have cropped that, but it's nothing you haven't seen, anyway."

He then said:
I think we should have another roll in the hay for old times sake :)

AND THEN, the cherry on the asshole sundae:
i'd have to use a condom with you now cause you're tainted.

The most amazing thing about that? I didn't even get that upset when he said it at the time. I blew it off like a joke, saying "Are you kidding me? You're the one with the girlfriend." Then I actually kept chatting with the asshole.

It was only the next day that something clicked, and I started getting pissed. And more pissed. And more pissed. And then I was just FU very much angry.

What a hypocrite. What an asshole. What a singular waste of time and effort and love and devotion on my part. Sometimes the facade that we've worked so hard to hold up for someone we invested ourselves in, it just falls like dead weight, and it shatters so resoundingly that there is no way to repair it. Well, he finally fell, and he went down hard.

I realized that in 15 minutes of talking to this ex, I came out of the conversation feeling like absolute shit again. Something about his presence in my life, even in the tiniest of ways, makes me feel so vastly insecure. And the emotional abuse continues, even when we're not together...that's right, asshole. Tell me how much you miss me, how I'm your best friend, and then imply that I'm a big dirty whore.

I kept him blocked on chat. I blocked him on Facebook. I set up a filter on my email to send anything from him straight to the trash, and while doing all of these things, I watched the last justifications, rationalizations, and delusions I'd been holding onto in a very secret, dark place go swirling down with it.

FU very much, ex. No one is allowed to talk to me like I'm garbage. No one is allowed to question my character or judge me like that. No one is allowed to mindfuck me like that anymore.

If I'm tainted by anything in my life, it's by the time I spent with him, and I'm washing that off in waves, and I'm not looking back this time.

Absentee Blogger

2011-06-27T16:48:00.000-04:00

I am still here. I'm still following the blogs I follow and in some cases, worshipping them. :-) I've just had a crazy few days of birthday celebrations, and I have plans again tonight. I can't wait to sit down and get some posts going again, though!

My adventures on the island of misfit toys

2011-06-19T00:48:00.001-04:00

Ok, that's it. I attract the broken ones. I attract the emotionally stunted ones. I attract the damaged ones, the ones who at some point tell me that they're disengaging from my life for my own good, like they're doing me a favor, saving me from themselves. Oh, the chivalry! I feel so lucky to be saved from making my own decisions! ;-)

Needless to say, my experiment I mentioned recently was short lived. So it goes. I'm glad to have found out sooner than later, and I had a feeling something was off, but I was ignoring it. Tonight, my plans with the experiment got cancelled at 7pm, after I was told that really I'd just ASSUMED we had plans, that he'd only agreed to NEXT Saturday for sure. Right, jerkoff, like you're going to get the coveted post birthday slot now? I THINK NOT!

Also noteworthy:
"I like you, but I don't know if I can be there enough for you"
AND, my personal favorite: "You just get really excited and want to do stuff. I'm never really excited about anything." Yes, folks, I actually just got told that getting excited about things and wanting to do things was A NEGATIVE.

For the record, this was ArtBoy, round 2. Also known as the final round. ;-)

Our conversation ended with him saying "We can still hang out. I just don't want to do anything tonight." At that point I abandoned the conversation without fanfare and went and laughed myself into a little ball in the other room. No really. Okay, eventually I laughed about it, like 30 minutes later. The absurdity. Honestly.

Even thought BitchBoy, coughcough, I mean ArtBoy bailed on me at the last minute, I still managed to wrangle a friend over to watch the Daniel Tosh comedy special that was replaying. Good to have a little company for a bit on a day that turned out as I probably SHOULD have expected it, and mostly kind of did expect it, but I still wasted an hour on my hair, my outfit and painting my nails a fantastic shade of blue called "Mesmerized" by Essie.

I did get my sangria made for tomorrow, I'm hoping it's good. I have a friend coming over and we're going out for a meal and then hopefully drinking sangria here after. :-) I'm sure SHE will appreciate my nail polish, ha! Tonight I settled for some raspberry vodka and Sprite on the rocks, which was a perfectly lovely cocktail to celebrate the disposal of this particular lost toy from my dating assembly line.

Newsflash, world: I don't want to save anyone. I don't want to be anyone's therapist. I don't want to have someone bullshit me about saving me from their miserable company. Here's an idea, broken boys of the world: Own your misery. Stop trying to push it into my lap. Either do something to get happy or wallow in your own unhappiness and leave me out of it!

On that note, time for a snack (hey, I never got dinner!), maybe a bit of reading and then BED!

Well.

2011-06-18T19:46:00.002-04:00

It's official. I have the world's worst taste in men. That is all.

I swear I was sane once.

2011-06-17T22:10:00.000-04:00

My mind is all jumbled right now. I have so many trains of thought going on, and I can't seem to elaborate on a single one.

Let's play with a list.
I miss stability and having a relationship to come home to. I feel like right now in my life the idea of having that again is so, so far away and sometimes it just hits me so hard, and...I don't know what to do with myself. And the fact that I've had a good week, a good day, it doesn't even matter. I get lost in the swamp of insecurity, a lack of direction, and a generalized panic over my life.

I stayed home tonight. It seems that anymore I can't do that 2 nights in a row without going certifiably insane the second night. I watched DVR. I made a homemade pizza for dinner. I listened to a thunderstorm roll through. I walked my dog. I took 2 Benadryl, all my vitamins and some Tylenol, and crawled into bed, which is where I am now. I want to turn my brain off, but I can't. Instead I turned my phone off.

Seriously, sometimes I hate technology. I hate my phone. I hate feeling so tied to it, so invested in whether or not it rings or buzzes or otherwise alerts me to the fact that someone is thinking about me. I get pissed when it does one of those things and it's a stupid meetup alert, or someone replying to a FB status message. I grit my teeth when it's an email from Borders or Linkedin or some other garbage I don't give a rip about.

I miss being wanted. I know things with the ex were all kinds of effed up, I know that. But he was generally happy to see me when I came home. I got hugs and got to sleep next to someone. Now I go to bed every night alone. I sleep on one side of the bed even though the whole expanse of it is mine. Honestly, I've stopped even thinking about that as a general rule. I don't remember the last time I felt lousy about going to bed alone, or thought about how lonely it is to live on my own. I haven't felt like that in awhile. But tonight, I have. I do.

I honestly just want to go to sleep. Sleep hard and long. Check out for awhile, be unreachable. I wish I could make my mind stop working.

I don't know how to do this dating thing. It's driving me crazy. I don't know how to deal with the gaps in contact, even when they are not even noteworthy gaps. I talk to this kid everyday. I saw him Sunday, I saw him Wednesday. But I find myself on FB, seeing that he posted a status update, but knowing that he hasn't texted me since 2pm. I feel washed over with insecurity, great waves of it. I'm deathly afraid of getting screwed over again. Of being played for a fool. What if I've just been a game? What if I'm buying lines? What if he's got other people in the mix? I lose track of my sanity, and I get swallowed up in this pit of doubt, and it honestly makes my stomach reel.

I can't get burned again. I don't want to like someone too much. I don't want to keep putting myself out there if I'm going to get hurt.

I want to feel okay again. I feel okay 90% of the time, but tonight-tonight is not one of those times. Tonight, I'm an insecure mess, and I'm annoyed with myself for it, but at the same time, I'm afraid. I could drown in the what ifs. I wish I could just shut down my mind like my laptop, give it a break. Stop the train from powering through, raking over all the happy moments and turning up clouds of insecure dust in its wake. I need a break.

I know I'll be okay tomorrow. I know tomorrow I'll reread this and feel kind of disgusted by myself and the melodrama. But I'm capturing it, anyway, because it's how I feel right now. Right or wrong, it's what I've got.

A day full of good things, laughter, productivity, compliments, happy feelings. A night full of insecurity, doubt, fear, and a sadness over the empty half of my bed.

Vixen

2011-06-16T16:22:00.003-04:00

I am a sexy, tousled-hair vixen. Tousle-haired? I've now thought and typed multiple variations of the word tousled enough that it no longer looks real. Ho hum. Damn, I think the sexy part just when away when I said ho hum. So it goes.

Do you know how much time I've spent attempting to capture the perfect self-portrait lately via the camera on my phone? You probably don't because it is just sad. I've gotten into this weird habit of exchanging random pics with a certain someone. I quickly tired of the "sitting at my desk trying to surreptitiously take a picture of myself...oh shit, is the volume muted so no one hears the snappy sound of the picture being taken?" schtick, and I've tried to add in some variety. Yesterday over lunch I accidentally fell through the door of Ann Taylor Loft, then I stumbled into the dressing room with an armful of weirdly cute clothes, and a piece of jewelry (sort of, it was clothy and sparkly) that I never figured out the role of. Bracelet? Anklet? WTF? It didn't fit well around either, so I'm still puzzled there.

Anyway, cue to me in the ATL dressing room, trying on a crap ton of clothes since they somehow ended up in my hands, anyway, all in my size, and I look at my phone, and it looks back and it's all, "Oh no, For serious?" And I answered YES! with the power of a thousand dumbass ideas behind it. Boom. Snippity snappity, it's me in this dress! It's me in this dress from a different angle! It's me with my face cut off because I'm not that coordinated, and a little of that other dress in the corner! It's a skirt I really want to buy because it feels like silk and is the color of gunmetal and I like it, but all I can think is "Summer. Sweat. Unforgiving fabric. Maybe not."

I always smile in my pics, with teeth. I don't think I look cute when I smile without teeth. I've tried, damn it, just for something different. Today I tried in the lunchroom first thing in the morning, in a corner, hoping no one came in and witnessed my idiocy. Then I took a picture of my pants and heels, just the two. Every time I wear these pants, I feel like I might be a train conductor in my off hours. Just a little. The heels add a special touch to the train conductor notion. Perhaps a classy train conductor? Oh, the possibilities!

I might be the dumbass sneaking a picture of myself while at a stoplight. I might be the one cursing at my lack of gumby like fingers to press the right damn button when using the self-shot mode. I just might be.

This morning, in my corner lunchroom photo endeavor, I managed to get a picture of myself with a non-toothy smile that did not repulse me. I did not look broken, or sad, or anything else particularly disturbing. I looked...tousled. Kind of cute. Whatevs, it happens on occasion.

Don't worry, I get pictures in return. Yesterday morning I got a picture of the certain someone, and he was still in bed. He was shirtless, as most men are wont to be early in the morn', and he'd obviously JUST.WOKEN.UP. and thought to capture the moment and share it with me. Men are brave like that. I don't think I'd ever try to capture that awesomeness, and if I did, it would be more of a science project kind of goal, like "WTF will I find when I look at this and will it make me cry?". The idea of snapping a picture like that (not shirtless, though, as I am personally not wont to sleep in such a way, GENERALLY) kind of trips me out. Don't think so, buddy. Sometimes when my hair has been blown straight I wake up looking pretty effing cute, but it's not often.

Maybe I have too much time on my hands. Maybe I have a secret dream of capturing myself in one of these photos and being like, "Well damn. Not bad, my friend. Not bad." Or even, "Holy hell, I never knew I could look so casual cute/classy/adorable/sexy/effortlessly awesome!" So far I've not had any real epiphanies like that. I end up with tousled hair me, which is not entirely bad. I'll take what I can get, baby.

This post is pretty pointless. What I mean is, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN IF THERE AREN'T PICTURES.

Sorry, no tousled pic because I'm too modest, LOLZ. Or I don't want easily identifiable proof of my ownage of this here blog, even though it is not scandalous or even particularly interesting even. Also, I am not adept at Photoshop. Pants and heels it is!

Kiss, Kiss

2011-06-16T00:34:00.000-04:00

I've been kind of an absentee blogger lately, and I do apologize for that! Sometimes the analysis is fun, but other times, when it comes to things that matter a little bit more, I prefer to keep things a bit closer to the vest, at least as they unfold. I don't want to jinx things, or put too much out there, or encourage myself to overthink any more than I already do. ;-)

I'm trying something out right now and seeing where it goes, and so far I like it. I feel damn sexy with this person, and that's a good start. And the kissing. Oh my, the kissing. It's like I was built to kiss this person and vice versa. Kissing is so underrated. I would not be exaggerating if I said I could spend hours kissing this man. Ah, bliss.

I'm feeling good about things. I've been spending lots of time with my friends-brunches, lunches, dinners. I went and saw a movie solo last night, which I really enjoyed. I'm working with co-workers to plan a triple birthday happy hour celebration a week from friday, which also happens to be my birthday. I've got other birthday plans shaping up with other friends, including the subject of the new endeavor, LOL. I'm gunning for a "dress up date" for that one, though not super dressy, just casual dress and heels dressy. :-) It's over a week away, though, so I won't get too far ahead of myself there.

I still find it hard to rely on people to do what they say they're going to do. I continue to expect to get bailed on, and to have people flake on their plans. It's a pet peeve of mine, and unfortunately a lot of people do it! However, I'm finding that some people actually do what they say and say what they mean, and that's certainly refreshing!

I'm working hard to find the right balance. I'm having crazy, insecure, neurotic moments, of course. I panic because how things are going wih the boy are not how I'm used to. Let's be honest....I'm used to spending two weeks with someone and falling madly in love with them and suddenly we're in an instant long term relationship and exchanging I love yous. This is not that. This is a much more normal pace, but to someone like me, with my patterns, it's a little panic inducing at times.

I freak out, wondering why, if he likes me so much as he seems to and claims to, he doesn't want to see me every day. We talk via text every day, and I saw him Sunday and tonight, and we have (supposed, ha) plans on Saturday. Perfectly reasonable. And in the meantime this week, I've gone to dinner with a friend (tonight), seen a movie on my own (Tuesday) and chilled out at home (Monday). It's a good balance!

Balance really is the key here, in so many respects. Balance, balance, balance.

Also, spectacular, soulshaking, connected, soft kisses. ;-)

Down the rabbit hole

2011-06-13T03:01:00.000-04:00

The last 2 weeks have been a mixed bag. The highlight was the Mumford & Sons concert, of course. That show was amazing, soulshaking, brilliant. It was one of those nights I wish I could have bottled up to save forever. Everyone was singing along, clapping and dancing to the music, and I felt like I was part of something bigger than myself. It was pretty spectacular! Definitely one of the coolest experiences I've had in a long, long time. There is something transcendent about a really good concert with really legitimately talented musicians. Beyond that, I have a mad crush on Marcus Mumford, LOL.

Concert aside, mixed bag, like I mentioned. But things have turned a corner, and in this very moment, at 3am on a school night, LOL, I feel pretty damn good. I'm happy. I'm following my instincts and taking the advice, insight and opinions of others with a large grain of salt. I recognize the value of those things, of course, but sometimes there are just situations and times when you need to just follow your own bliss, no matter the ragged or unpredictable path it may take you, and no matter if it may end badly.

I'm not focusing on forever, I'm focusing on the here and now, and in the here and now, I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing. :-)

I'm going down the rabbit hole again, and throwing caution to the wind, and hoping for the best.

Ruh roh

2011-06-02T12:04:00.002-04:00

My backup date for the Mumford & Sons show next thursday just bailed on me. I have NO IDEA who I'm going to this concert with. Any volunteers? I've got a ticket for you, with your name all over it, LOL.

This is the way I roll, I roll

2011-06-02T10:09:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was comprised of an awful lot of back and forth on my part. I vacillated between pining for a boy I dated for 2 1/2 weeks and smacking myself upside the head for the aforementioned pining. Oh what a tangled web I weave.

I liked ArtBoy. A lot. A really lot. I laughed so much every time I was with him, and he had the most random sense of humor, and he sang to me. He sang metal songs, Coldplay songs, rap songs. He showed me a video of himself on youtube that his friends had made, and he was moonwalking and the like in it, and it made me flush with amusement. He was unlike anyone I'd ever dated before, and I liked it. He was a spectacular kisser, and he has the softest hair. Damn.

I don't want to get into the details, but the thing with Artboy went off the rails and I went from making plans with him late friday night to whatever you call probably ending things via phone Saturday afternoon. It's my fault. I am finally the villain in one of my own stories. I screwed up, and even though there was no malicious intent, even though it was more a product of my own dating ignorance, the blame lays squarely in my lap. The bitch of it all is that I really liked him. Have I mentioned that? And all my mistake proved to me was exactly how much I liked him, and well, that sucks when it ends immediately upon said realization.

I don't know if he's gone for good, but for now he's not here. No more "Hiiiii" text messages each morning. No more random picture texts a couple of times a week, usually of him in his dapper best for the day, but sometimes of his lunch. ;-) It's weird how attached you can get to someone in such a short period of time, and even weirder how much it stings to lose it.

I'm functioning as if he's gone for good. I can't handle it any other way. I've been there, done that with the waiting around with bated breath for the boy to come back, and it's just too hard. Even after only 2 1/2 weeks, it's too hard. I'm pretty exhausted of people telling me "it's only been 2-3 weeks" and "better to have it happen now than later". Yeah, maybe. But whatever, it matters to me, and I don't care if it has been 3 days or 3 years. When I truly like someone, I like them with my entire being, and I get attached. It's a thing I do, for better or worse.

So the functioning. I'm trying. It's working well enough. I'm going to a happy hour tonight with some girlfriends, which will be a nice break. I'm going to a concert for a local band that I love tomorrow night with my friend, C. Saturday or Sunday I hope to have plans with a girlfriend I've not seen in several weeks. And Wegmans. I'm going to Wegmans sometime this weekend. Yes, I'm penciling in a trip to my favorite grocery store and looking forward to it. Judge away. ;-)

I feel like I have so much to say right now, but it also feels like it requires separate posts for clarity sake, and so this entry doesn't end up being far too long on its own. Now it's your turn to wait with bated breath for my continued chatter. It's hard, I know. Try to function. :-)

Cowardly like the lion

2011-05-31T16:43:00.001-04:00

If you're a coward and you know it, raise your hand! You can't tell, but both of my hands are raised here right now. I'm waving them in the air like I just don't care, mostly because I don't know what else to do.

FACT: I am most desirable to those I no longer want to desire me.
FACT: I am a sucker, a glutton for punishment, someone who is too nice for her own good.
FACT: I threw away something with great potential for something fleeting and stupid.
FACT: I feel like a bit of a walking disaster today. :-)

On the upside, I had a lovely Sunday. It was about the only good point in my weekend. I went to Kings Dominion amusement park with a group of friends and had an amazing day outside riding scary as hell rollercoasters. The weather wasn't too hot most of the day, it didn't rain, and it was a great escape from an otherwise lackluster and at times downright shitty holiday weekend. AND I didn't come home with a souvenir sunburn, yay!

Another realization. My personality is obsessive only in the ways that don't benefit me. If only I could redirect those tendencies to create a compulsion to write a novel, or update this blog everyday, or work out consistently. Nope, I end up obsessing over material much more akin to that of a 14 year old girl: Why isn't so and so texting me? Is there a marathon of [insert awful tv show here] on today? Or I fixate on three songs on an album to the point that any sane person would EXPLODE.

For the record, the album is by Foster the People entitled Torches. My fixation songs are Helena Beat (OMG, LOVE, LOVE), Waste and Life on the Nickel. So damn synthpoppy and catchy, they are like happy candy for my ears. I am currently plotting a way to rationalize spending too much money on stubhub tix to their concert in DC 2 days before my birthday, and thinking of who I can con into joining me. Obsessively. ;-)

Did you all know it's hot as hell outside today? I'm pretty excited to head out into it here in half an hour. No big evening plans. I declined an invite to a Nationals baseball game because a) it's hot b) I didn't have time to arrange a dog walker c) I'm super broke right now and d) I'm conflicted about this whole dating business. Mother effer, what is wrong with me?

My dating gene is broken, or missing. Methinks I got a double dose of the fall head over heels for someone and then screw it up gene, at least this time around. Normally my defect is the standard non-variation of "fall head over heels for someone in two weeks and then get involved in a torrid long term relationship that eventually leaves you broken and emotionally bruised." Ooh baby.

What happens when you only want the one frog's kisses, but you eff it up and that frog says "PEACE OUT" and you don't know if he'll even come back anywhere near your lily pad??? THAT, my friends, is the question of the day.

World's most random post. I am full of random. I feel like I just got spun in circles with a blindfold on and then released into the world with new, disoriented eyes. Where do I go? What do I do?

For tonight, I'm going simple. Inevitably hot dog walk. Likely quality time listening to my obsession songs loudly on my sound dock at home. DVR. Some kind of dinner, possibly necessitating a tiny grocery store trip. And a cupcake.

Damn, I have a lot to say today.

2011-05-23T10:29:00.000-04:00

You know what's really, really liberating? To know that no matter what anyone else thinks, no matter what anyone else wants me to do, thinks I should do, I will ultimately do exactly what I want, and no one can change that.

I know it is strange to revel so much in this independence, but I guess that for so long I felt like I was under the thumb of my ex, mostly by my own fault. I let a fear of conflict or additional stress keep me from doing everything I wanted to do, and I felt so repressed..so held back...so trapped. So now that I'm free of that burden, I think it just really hits me each time something comes up where the people in my life question my judgment, or tell me how to handle something.

Sure, I value the opinions of my friends and family. Yes, I take everything under advisement and consideration. But I love, love, love that in the end, I will do exactly what I want to do, even if it is the dead opposite of what everyone wants. This is my life, and these are my mistakes to make, my successes to relish. I love owning it all, knowing that no matter what happens, I did what I wanted, without undue influence from anyone else.

Liberating, indeed.

I hate blogger.

2011-05-23T09:30:00.001-04:00

Really I just hate the internet. Just had a delightful post introduction composed and STUPID STUPID BLOGGER ATE IT. Must take a moment to gather my calm again before trying to put it back together.

Online Dating---It's an experience.

2011-05-19T10:31:00.001-04:00

Yes, the title of this post is true...I've delved back into the dating world. I figured there could be very little harm in putting myself back out there and seeing what happens. I doubled my pleasure, doubled my fun by putting my (fake) name into the pots at both OkCupid and PlentyofFish.

I did online dating once before very briefly when the boy and I broke up after 6 weeks of dating. I wasn't too invested at that point, so I hopped right onto match.com and ended up with a couple of lackluster lunch dates. Very friendly fellows, just not my type, and no sparks to speak of. I'm the sort of person who can't really keep dating someone if there's no spark. I just don't see the point! Perhaps this is why I generally am a failure at casual dating? :-)

Anyway, the one thing I really enjoy about this whole endeavor is that it is a pretty regular ego boost. I don't seek out many people on these sites, I mostly just whip up an awesome, unique, entertaining profile and wait.! I guess that's one way my writing comes in handy, I am pretty damn fantastic at selling myself as someone worth a second glance, and I think I generally convey a fairly accurate representation of what I offer on a day to day basis. Sarcasm, pop culture awareness, a total lack of coordination, and a desire to be happy. :-)

At this point I have only met one of these gentlemen in person. We've been on a few dates and I'm enjoying myself. I'm taking care to not get in over my head, and am still conversing with several others, with tentative plans to meet up for drinks, dinner, whatever. I figure I may be a relationship person, but I'll be damned if I don't kiss a few frogs before I settle into another one!

I'm weird, anyway. As outlined in one of my previous posts, I haven't had a ton of experience in the dating world. At age 32 I've only kissed four men. Pretty innocent, I am! ;-) Is it so wrong to want to bump that number up a little before succumbing to the inevitable again? I think not!

Anyway, the online dating provides me constant entertainment and near constant interaction if I want it. Some people I can have genuinely entertaining conversations with, others fall flat almost instantly. Already a couple have rubbed me the wrong way. For example:

Don't message me if you're "Seeing Someone". I don't care how informal that designation may be, I'm not interested. If it matters enough to denote it on the site, it matters enough to me to say away from you!

Don't be a stalker. Neediness is not cute. Desperation is not cute. One guy would see me online and immediately message me about 3 times in a row. He asked once how the site was working for me and I told him I'd gone on a couple dates with someone. He replied with a very dejected "Okay" and I thought, "SWEET. Maybe he'll go away."

Nope. I logged on one day and he spied me and sent a very demanding missive: "I thought you were dating someone!" I kindly advised him that yes, I'd gone on dates with someone, but that I hadn't enrolled in a long term relationship after a week. He replied instantaneously to tell me how hard I'd made him laugh with my response. I try? Weird.

I enjoy the freedom to just willfully discard people I've been talking to when they turn me off with a comment, or a behavior. I like that I don't feel attached enough to care, and like it even better that I can block them if they get feisty. Both the sites I'm on are free, so this experience is costing me nothing but free time, which I'm okay with. I can afford to be picky because I'm not gunning to find my soulmate, I'm just seeing what's out there and passing some time.

I like the butterflies in the beginning. I like the little games we play at first, trying to gauge interest. I like laughing when the comedic vibes match. I like wondering about first meetings, being pursued a little, feeling that power. Perhaps that sounds bad, but whatever...it's honest.

After being in a relationship where I always felt like I wasn't enough, where I always did the lion's share of the work, when I was the only one working to make things better, it's liberating to step back and let someone else do the work. I'll participate if I feel it, but I'm not going out of my way for anyone just yet.

I'm always so good at first when dating someone. They pursue me. They want to see me more. I'm the one controlling the pace. But somewhere along the line I always seem to lose that, and the power shifts, and I'm back to being the one waiting. The one on hold, the one being decided on.

I want to decide. At the very least, I want a say throughout, a more equal share of the say. I deserve better than what I give myself sometimes in relationships, and eventually I need to learn how to get it. Yes, I've gone on a few dates with one guy. Yes, he gives me crazy butterflies. Yes, he is an amazing kisser. Yes, I want to see him again. But I'm careful. Watchful.

I deserve to be listened to. Even if I'm just talking about something that happened at work that day, or about the happy hour I went to with coworkers, or the weird thing I found on my walk with the dog that night...I deserve to be heard.

It's such a challenge to find the right balance. Physical chemistry with someone who listens. Someone who makes you laugh, but isn't too needy or too flaky. It's like trying to put together a giant puzzle and working on different pieces to see what actually goes together. My puzzle is certainly incomplete again, but give me incomplete over a bad fit anyday.

Can't get sleepy

2011-05-09T01:13:00.001-04:00

I believe that being off friday and being fantastically lazy since that day has thrown off my internal clock. Here it is sunday night, 1:06am, and I am WIDE AWAKE, folks. :-/ I figured I'd pop on here briefly before I get to the important business of laying around uselessly in bed trying to fall asleep.

It's been a meh kind of weekend. Last week, quite honestly, is just a blur of sickness. I had moments where I thought I was feeling better, I went on a crazy cleaning spree one night in my apt., and then I got kicked right back down. Boom. That's my usual warning sign that things have changed over into a sinus infection, so I had my Dr. appt. on Thursday and left with a Z-pak. Last pill tomorrow, woo. Still, I had tiny improvement each day over the weekend.

I still slept. A lot. My energy level was low. The coughing still plagues me, though it has improved vastly. I spent various times this weekend wishing I felt well enough to hit someone up for dinner or something, but I just never made it there. I'd take the Merdogoutside for a bathroom break and feel tired by the time I got back. And in my one misadventure, Saturday I went out to the grocery store for a few things and to DSW. I had to leave DSW because I got caught in a coughing fit and couldn't stop. Luckily I escaped with a pair of very cute clearance peep toed red shoes that I am madly in love with. ;-) They were purchased to go with my ensemble for my grandfather's birthday festivities. Yup, that's my rationalization.

Had some interesting revelations in the midst of the medicine induced haze of the last few days. No specifics just yet, but let's just say that some delusional clouds have parted (hopefully for good), and I got yet another chance to speak my mind quite bluntly today, and it felt damn good. I am no longer interested in being someone's second choice, backup plan or anything of the sort. I'm all about making myself my top priority right now, and if someone comes along who joins in that logic, fantastic...in the meantime, I'm good with flying solo!

Busy day on tap for tomorrow, at least at a few different points. Should actually be a fairly busy week, at least compared to things lately for me. It will all culminate in my trip home to see the friends and family on Saturday to Tuesday, which I'm greatly looking forward to. That, and the chance to show off those red heels. ;-)

Night, all!

Ouch, I've lost myself again

2011-05-04T21:50:00.001-04:00

I am having a bad night. This is an understatement.

It started out okay. Same as always. Got home and tended to the animals, made myself some dinner. Watched some DVR, relaxed. But somewhere, something strange crept in. I thought back on my day, how quiet it had been in terms of chatter with friends. I've gotten spoiled lately by talking to so many people through Facebook, email, chat, text, and even in person at work, so a day like today stands out. I only talked to a couple of people on chat today, and I sought out two of them, one of them being the ex. We're doing the friends thing, so it's not a big deal, but I admit I still feel a bit like a failure for contacting him instead of the other way around.

Regardless, quiet day. Didn't mingle much at the office, kind of busy, still not feeling great. Better than yesterday, but I sound awful and still have lots of room for improvement. Maybe this is partially responsible for the emotional weakness that settled in tonight. Wherever it came from, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was so damn lonely.

I quickly put on the Merdog's leash and a hoodie, the tears were already welling up in my eyes. Suddenly I was so intensely, sickly lonely. I walked out the door of my building and within 30 seconds I'd texted the ex "Hey". It felt like a lifeline, but one that I was ashamed to call in. Part of me wished I could unsend it, the other part of me just didn't really care because I felt so sad that my humility didn't matter.

Less than five minutes later my phone rings, and it's him. I try to compose my crying self (yes, crying while walking my dog, thank god it was dark and empty out on my route) and answer the phone. He tells me he saw my IM, but was driving so he couldn't respond, but didn't want to leave me hanging. I try to act casual, like my IM was just random, but he knows me too well. After a couple of minutes of idle chatter he hears the tiniest of cracks in my voice and asks again what's wrong.

Damn. Damn, damn. Now that the spotlight is on me, I can't even start to answer before the tears come. I tell him nothing, really, I don't even know why I'm upset. He pushes for more, I insist it's true, which it kind of is. I don't know where the hell this came from. But eventually I tell him the truth. I don't know, I was just lonely and I miss you. At least I have the presence of mind to tell him after that he's probably the last person I should tell that, too, but he says that's not true.

I'm just lonely. I just miss him. Damn it all to hell, why did this kick in tonight? I have one day of mediocre contact with friends and I fall apart like this? Not impressed with myself. How can I feel so amazing some days and then just crumble like an old cookie on others?

We talked for a few minutes, and he does everything right. He tries to distract me with idle chatter. He commiserates. He works to understand where this came from. He offers comfort. He asks if I want him to call when he gets home later in the evening. I demur, leaving it up to him, trying to put up a brave front. I tell him I'm going to take a long shower, decompress, unwind a little. Maybe try to go to bed early, I don't know. He asks how I'm feeling healthwise, tells me we'll chat more tomorrow than we did today. I reassure him that it's not his obligation to entertain me or talk with me every single day, which he singlehandedly acknowledges, but also seems to set aside.

I get off the phone with him, knowing that he did every single thing right except the one thing I wanted most, which was to offer to come over to hang out with me. Yes, I know this is completely impractical. No, I never actually expected that. But in my heart of hearts, it's what I wanted. No sense denying that. I wanted company, and I wanted his company. I still do. Judge away.

The tears came again before I even set the phone down. I hurried to the bathroom to start the shower, but stopped because suddenly I felt so sick. Forgive the overshare, but I actually got sick. I'm not one to "get sick". It was like being kicked when I was down. Eventually I was well enough to get up and get into my shower. I cried. The whole time. And after. And then I came to this computer to tell you about it.

I don't know what I'm doing today. I don't know what happened to me tonight, but I don't like it. Sometimes I hate being a relationship person. I hate that my ideal place in life, the state I'm happiest in, is when I have someone to love and who loves me, someone to share my time with, someone to be there when I'm lonely. I wish I were stronger. I wish I didn't feel so incomplete without that in my life. But it's my flaw. I can't work around it.

I am just so intensely lonely right now. And I worry about myself in this state because I have a pattern, and I don't want to fall into it just because it's easy, but sometimes it's so tempting...and this makes me mistrust some of my friendships, because for whatever reason, I'm connecting better with my male friends right now. Maybe because they tolerate the relationship talk, but it's only a small portion of the conversation? Maybe it's easier to think about other things? I have nothing but platonic male friendships in my life right now, but I actually worry myself at times like this, afraid I've sent a mixed signal to one of them, wondering if I've given the wrong impression even though I DISTINCTLY told him I wasn't looking to date anyone, in a more generalized context.

See what I'm doing here? I'm wrapping myself up in more tension. I'm putting stress on friendships, probably unnecessarily. And in the back of my mind, I wonder about where I'm going from here...how tied up I still really am with the ex, how being friends will make things harder, if it's bad for me, if I give a damn. I am not willing to sacrifice his presence in my life. I just need to make it a presence that is healthy for me.

I wonder about dating, if I'm remotely ready, if I could be capable of harmless distraction dating, or if I'd fall hard and fast like I historically have.

Bottom line? I guess I'm still pretty lost. And I guess that's okay. Just because I got through the sunday conversation that had been looming for so long without falling apart doesn't mean that the falling apart wasn't acceptable or even expected. I can still fall apart a little bit sometimes. It doesn't mean I'm failing. It means I'm experiencing this process in every fiber of my being, and sometimes it's going to hurt. It's like growing pains, I guess. Inevitable, something everyone goes through, a necessary evil.

Tonight, the growing pains are particularly painful. And say what you will about it, but I will not deny that I wish I had a hand to hold while it happened. This apartment is really so small, but sometimes it feels gigantic in its emptiness.

Sickly

2011-05-03T23:23:00.000-04:00

I'm still here! Forgive the absent blogging, but I've been beaten down for the last four plus days with some serious allergy issues. For awhile I thought I had strep, but I'm convinced it's just good old seasonal allergies kicking my butt. Stayed home from work yesterday because everything hurt too much to consider moving, and today I've felt marginally better. Hoping for a significant upswing tomorrow. ;-)

Just so I don't leave you in total suspense about this weekend...I lived. We're trying the friendship thing. No more asinine rules about how often we can contact each other and how, no more trying to force whatever we have into a mold. I said my piece, all of them in fact, and we had a good discussion. I felt like it was a very productive day, and we even got brunch! Day one and two of the friendship experiment are under my belt, even if I don't remember most of Monday due to a sick fog, and I'm feeling good about our chances. I love him too much to let him go from my life completely, and I believe the feeling is mutual. I'm interested to see how things shake out down the line, but in the meantime I feel good about speaking up for myself, good about seeing my best friend again, and good in general...save for the congestion, the sore throat, the coughing, the aching ears............

And with that, I leave you all to go spend the night with my new BFF, Nyquil Cough.

In love...

2011-04-27T23:13:00.001-04:00

With this weather! No, I haven't gone off and swooped up a new relationship after waxing poetic about how accomplished I feel for not doing that very thing last night. ;-) Truly, though, this springtime weather is making me so happy. I know there are tornado warnings in the area, and we're under a tornado watch ourselves, and let me clarify that I do not have love for tornadoes...just the on and off rain, wind, thunder and lightning we've had all night and at various points during this week.

There is no better way to fall asleep than to the sound of low rumbles of thunder beyond your window. I know it may be rainy and gloomy tomorrow, which will be unfortunate since I have a couple of things to do during the day, but it's all good. It's spring, and spring means thunderstorms!

Mellow night at the homestead tonight. Walked the Merdog in the rain. Listened to music. Watched some DVR. Redid my nails after a relaxing bath. Ordered in takeout for dinner, which means a couple more meals of leftovers in store for me. :-)

Tomorrow is thursday, and thursday is almost friday. Another week winding down...part of me will be sad to see this one end. It's been such a fantastic week, and it's not over yet. I'm really just feeling all sorts of love for all of the people in my life right now, and the weather, and anticipation for more good to come.

On that note, time to shut the laptop down for the night and get some sleep!

Life is weird.

2011-04-27T01:51:00.000-04:00

Sometimes there's no better way to say it than the direct way...life is weird. I am occasionally struck dumb by the way things can turn on a dime, how times in my life that feel like an eternity suddenly flash by in the blink of an eye. I look at the last five weeks and change since the breakup, and I can plot out the bullet points of the grief process. I had my dalliance with each stage, even if out of order.

I remember two weeks ago hitting rock bottom. I was depressed, lethargic, wallowing in the sorrow of my loss. I couldn't see beyond my own sadness. It felt like it would never end, and I wondered if I would feel like myself again anytime soon. It felt so dramatic, so devastating, and it affected every aspect of my life. I felt disillusioned by many of my friendships, fed up with work, and really low about myself. I looked in the mirror and saw someone who deserved the crappy hand she'd been dealt. I felt fiercely unattractive, unworthy, and I wanted to just blend in and be forgotten.

That seems like ages ago to me. I remember I spoke with the ex during that week, my rock bottom, and I contacted him expressly to go on a diatribe about how I didn't know if I could do this another two weeks. I told him how awful I felt all the time, how I was just going through the motions and barely getting by. He empathized and seemed to be feeling something along the same lines, and we skimmed the pathetic surface of our storm ridden waters, wondering what the hell we were even doing.

The most important thing I remember is pointing out to him, somewhat wistfully, that maybe this was the bottom we needed to hit before things would start to turn around. Maybe we had to really plumb the depths of our misery before we could start to climb out. I also remember not believing my own words as anything more than wishful thinking. As if speaking the words might change the course of the fates and break the curse of our unhappiness. I felt resigned to the unhappiness.

But it turns out I may have been right. That week was awful. I faked it well enough with most people, I don't think I came off as the tragic wreck I felt like to most. But it took all the energy I had to try. Then came the weekend and the MS Walk. My first social event in awhile. It rained the whole time. It was chilly. It was awesome. I finally felt a little spark of something.

Last week was a week of rounding the corner day by day. It felt good, but not in a drastic way. Just a quiet sense of okay seeping in, a lessening of the panic, a soothing of the heart. And then came another weekend. And I was social, and I had fun, and I had a really insanely awkward meetup event turn into me with one socially awkward individual, but I survived, and I stayed solo after he left. I laughed, I moved in time to the music of a concert, I flirted with a waiter harmlessly, I sang along to music in my car. I felt a little bit more like me. And on sunday I had dinner with a friend, and afterwards we sat outside in a park, and I watched lightning streak across the sky for hours. We literally sat out in this park for 2+ hours, talking and watching the electricity crease the sky. Constant flashes in different corners, lighting up the night as darkness fell.

Thunderstorms are my thing. They always have been. I find peace in them, and a certain kind of joy. Sitting outside on that warm night, couched in good conversation, a mellow breeze, the background chatter and laughter of others in the park....it was a perfect moment for me. One I would have captured in a bottle like the lightning in the sky if I could have. I felt happy. I felt right. I felt like me.

I drove home in the rain, smiling to myself. I sang louder to the music, I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel in time to the beat. It was exhilarating. Truly.

This week. Oh, this week, how I love you. Starting sunday, I've had the three best days I've had consecutively in MONTHS. I feel like each day I'm a little happier. Monday I met a new neighbor at the bus stop. I was glad to be a resource for the Midwest transplant, having been one myself six years prior. I felt a little thump of satisfaction when the neighbor introduced himself to me before we parted ways....I'm so used to being the one to break that stranger barrier and introduce myself. It was a welcome change to have someone turn it around on me.

I felt damn good on Monday. I was wearing a new pair of shoes I bought on Friday, and within 5 minutes of being in the office I'd gotten two compliments on them, and I got more as the day went on, as well as a compliment on my outfit. I walked with confidence on Monday. A little spring rejoined my step. In the evening I received an unexpected gift of kindness and generosity from a loved one. It took a giant weight off of my shoulders with regards to other stressors in my life, and the best part was that it came unsolicited, out of the pure goodness of someone's heart.

Today, I took extra care in my appearance again. I cared again. It paid off again. More compliments on different shoes. Compliments on my outfit, my general appearance, my figure (in a non sexual harassment way, LOL). More spring in my step. More confidence in my pocket. More wit on hand for conversation with friends. I got to catch up with an old friend over lunch. I talked with other friends briefly at other points during the day and evening.

All day long I was smiling. Laughing. Cracking jokes. I came home and put music on and actually danced around my apartment, with my animals looking at me like I was a nutter. I felt like one, and I felt damn good about it. I was actually overflowing with good feelings. In the course of two weeks, everything felt different. Brighter. More hopeful. I feel GOOD. Amazingly good. Curiously good. Dance around my living room, sing at my animals, smiling like an idiot all by myself good.

I may still have a conversation looming with the ex this weekend, but in so many ways I feel like a thousand pounds of weight have been lifted from my shoulders. For once I'm not carrying the weight of his stress, and the relationship stress, and buried at the very bottom, the last to be acknowledged or dealt with, my own stress. I've let go of so much.

I feel like it is a secret, like I shouldn't say it too loud. That by speaking it, it means I don't care anymore, or that I'm claiming to have moved on, or that I'm done with the past. It doesn't mean any of those things, at least not exactly. The secret is that I like it. This is liberating. Being responsible only for my own emotions. Carrying only my own baggage. Being accountable only to myself. I don't have to explain anything to anyone. I can go where I please, do what I want, say what I want and I am the only one who gets a vote.

So often in the past I've sold myself dangerously short. I put myself third behind the other person and the relationship. I get used to taking care of the other person's needs and frustrations and having mine forgotten and sidestepped, and I voluntarily encourage it. I let my own needs wither and shrink away from lack of attention. I become everything to everyone, the best caretaker in the world, because it's what I do.

It's hard to resist the temptation to designate what I'm feeling as selfish. It seems selfish. To feel such exuberance over being the one in charge of my own life, the only one with a say. To revel in not being responsible for sharing the emotional burdens of another. To feel free because I'm finally standing on my own. But it's not selfish. It's exactly what I need. For the first time in my adult life, I'm taking care of me. I'm doing it on my own without falling back on the crutch of a new relationship.

I am so crazy proud of myself. I have no idea what this means for this weekend, or next week, or the next month. All I know is that it feels good to feel good. I am going to be hard pressed to let this go for anyone right now. Sure, someday I want to find a healthy way to indulge that need to take care of someone, to help shoulder their burdens, and to have them shoulder mine. But for right now, in this exact space and time, it is all about me. I am going to walk for awhile with only my own weight to carry. I feel lighter every hour of every day.

Today

2011-04-21T23:18:00.000-04:00

Today...

-I went to the dentist and found out I have a small cavity. Boo!
-I laughed a lot at work.
-I talked to a good friend on chat for a bit. I miss Columbia and Mizzou and Tracy!
-I found myself, on more than one occasion, moving my head to the music in my headphones, dancing around a bit to no music at all in my kitchen, and feeling a good bit of clarity about things in my life for the first time in awhile.
-I had a delightful stromboli for dinner
-I brushed my teeth too many times, as if it could make up for the aforementioned cavity or erase it
-I felt anticipation for my weekend
-I felt a huge sense of missing so many of my friends in far off places and wondering how and when I'll get to see them again!
-I had another migraine free day!
-I remembered again how much I like to make lists. ;-)

And now it's time to call it a night!

Four weeks

2011-04-20T23:33:00.000-04:00

Four weeks from tomorrow evening marks a month since the breakup. I miss him every single day. I miss talking to him, venting about our respective work days to one another, and the way his eyes lit up when I used to come home from work, and he would exclaim, "Baby!" like he'd been waiting for me. Sigh. I miss that.

It took me awhile to figure out if I was just missing the companionship, or the idea of a relationship, or actually missing him. While I definitely miss all the relationship stuff, I also definitively miss him. I will not whitewash things and pretend we were perfect even in our finest moments, but there was a lot of good in us as a couple, and I miss that intensely.

Anyway. Today was good. I got a late start to my work day because of an appt. with my apartment maintenance crew. By the time I arrived at the office, I'd had a nice conversation with the aforementioned maintenance guy, gotten waves and honks while waiting for my bus to pick me up (LOL) and ran into an old neighbor outside of my building.

Once in the office, I arrived to a brand new, GIGANTIC monitor for my computer, which was pretty awesome. I could watch some movies on that thing if I ever wanted to hang out outside of working hours. ;-) 23 inches of awesome. I laughed a lot today. It felt good. I ate too much saltwater taffy courtesy of the junk food fairy who frequents our lunch room. I dealt with stressy work situations without getting tense and irritable, and instead laughed it off. I was productive, I felt good, and happiness was not so elusive.

I know it is a long road back to feeling like this all the time. I know that in the back of my mind I've been consumed by some pretty weighty relationship things all day and evening long. But I guess the big accomplishment is that I had a good day in spite of that tape playing in the background. It didn't consume my day. Small victories. :-)

Tomorrow morning I have an 8am dentist appt. Definitely NOT my favorite way to start a day, but better to get it over with I suppose. Beyond that, it will be thursday, and thursday is almost friday, and friday is the weekend. I have plans for a happy hour on friday, but I may bail because Saturday is looking full-ish and Sunday isn't empty either. We shall see. For now, time to wrap up and try to get some sleep!

A Silver Lining Kind of Evening

2011-04-19T23:48:00.001-04:00

Four loads of laundry. A hot meal that included a fresh vegetable. Dishwasher unloaded. A night with no migraine. A night with me and energy in the same zip code. A walk for the dog, a chat on the phone with my mom.

Tonight I finally felt like me again. I don't know if it's the Allegra I bought and took today at the recommendation of my awesome pharmacist or what, but this is the best I've felt physically in awhile. Add to that the weather is gorgeous, I've had the windows open all evening, and I got to crawl into a bed made up with freshly laundered sheets. A tiny little moment of bliss. :-)

As I was closing everything down for the evening in the apt., I took the Merdog outside one last time. I stepped out of the door and was hit with the sweetest smell. I don't know which flower out there smells that good, but it was just lovely, and I took a deep breath of it.

I have no idea where my life is going. I can't even predict for 100% sure what I'll be doing this weekend. But it felt so good to have this night where I felt right again. I enjoyed my evening alone and appreciated it instead of bemoaning it. I am still me, I still have people I love and ten million little things that make me happy every single day, even if I forget it sometimes. I still have a deep capacity for happiness and it was good to remember that again.

And the final happy note to a lovely evening? I get to go into work a couple of hours late because my apartment maintenance folks are coming by at 9 to change air filters and check smoke alarms. The animals probably won't let me sleep in, but I'll definitely have some additional lounge time, and Mercy walk time, and stop and smell the flowers time (AFTER the Allegra). ;-)

One of those saturdays

2011-04-18T00:23:00.001-04:00

Another weekend officially under my belt. This one felt better all around, even though I wasn't a social butterfly quite yet.

I did the MS Walk on Saturday morning. It rained for the entire duration of the walk, which luckily was a short one. I still enjoyed it, though, as the exercise was good, the company of some coworkers was nice, and it was lovely to be out in the world doing something for a worthy cause. I definitely need to look more into volunteering because it's a great way to fill some spare time in a smart way.

I came home and took a hot shower to warm up, then cozied up to the Starbucks coffee I'd picked up on the way home. There was actually a lull in the rain for an hour or two, but it came back with full enthusiasm later on in the afternoon. It was a great day to catch up on DVR, take a little nap and just relax.

Eventually the thunder and lightning joined the rain, and that made me happy. I love a good thunderstorm more than just about anything, and this wasn't a usual DC teaser of a storm. It actually stuck around for a couple of hours, and I loved watching the flashes of lightning through my blinds and hearing the low, long rumbles of thunder. Best soundtrack ever. :-)

Of course, all good things must come to an end, and as the rain wound down, my migraine wound up. I ended my night crawling into bed with a pounding headache. It hurt. A lot. I've found that late night migraines like that don't respond to my RX migraine med, so I usually take a good dose of Tylenol, but I was out of that. I finally ended up in bed with a PILE of pills. I had my daily multivitamin, a couple other vitamins, three of the herbal allergy pills from my acupuncturist, 2 Excedrin and 1/2 of another pill from my pill bottle. I'm not even sure if it was half of a pain pill or half of a muscle relaxer. :-/ I really didn't give a damn at that point. I took them all, feeling like a weirdo junky even if most of the pills were vitamins, and went to sleep with 2 ice packs and a lot of pain.

I woke up at a few points overnight, feeling like I'd slept forever, always pleasantly surprised that I got to sleep more. When I finally got up at 10 (save for the doggy bathroom break at 7), I was migraine free and felt pretty good. Thank god. It was one of those migraines that I was desperate to get rid of, as it was a true pounder, making me crazy light and sound sensitive. Not fun!

Today I got my sofa table from the furniture store finally. I had to open the box and bring it in in two trips because the box was too heavy on its own, but I got it in, and I got it assembled and in place. I Felt pretty good about myself even though it was a really easy table. I'll take the victories, however small they may be!

My mood has been better this weekend. I was more productive this weekend (lots of errands aside from noted things, plus apartment cleaning type things). Next weekend looks fairly busy thusfar, which I think I'm ready for, or will be, anyway. The wheels are turning in my life again, and hopefully I will begin to feel some forward motion. I've been walking in place for too long, and I need to stretch my limits and start going out of my comfort zone again, rejoining the world a little at a time.

Slow and steady wins the race, right? I'm on my way!

Acting Hard's Been Tough

2011-04-14T23:29:00.000-04:00

How do you escape when you can't afford a real escape?

Tonight I'm doing it by playing my favorite song on a loop with headphones on, the volume set to levels that any Dr. would scold me for. Sure, I'm probably accelerating my journey to hearing loss road, but right now, it's the only place I can go to get away.

My mind is a crowded place. I swear I race from one extreme to another and another all within an hour sometimes. I spent so much time laughing today, which felt amazing. I was linked to a couple of websites that just got me, and it was nice. Lots of things made me laugh in the little moments today. So you'd think that would make today a pretty good day, right?

Somehow, still no. A day 3/4 full of laughter but wrapped up with a bow of crying for ten minutes suddenly feels so much darker than it did before. Why do the few negative minutes outweigh the handfuls of good ones?

I was angry today, too. Really, frighteningly angry. The kind where I needed an outlet so desperately that I wrote it all down, and there were lots of curse words, lots of bold proclamations, with an overall tone of "screw it all". Yes, it was therapeutic. Of course, it was way over the top. I figure that's okay, though, as it was just for me, and it's better to have that out of my mind than racing around in there.

For right now, the music is the escape. Maybe sleeping with the windows open. Getting through friday to earn my weekend. Rest assured that while there will be some down time, this will NOT be a repeat of last weekend. I don't think I need a weekend that quiet again for a very long time! However, definitely time to start easing my way back into the world.

Things may be frustrating me right now, but I was thinking earlier, in the aftermath of my anger attack, that maybe this is just part of the process. My mom pointed out to me not too long ago that losing a relationship can trigger a cycle not unlike the 5 stages of grief. This is pretty true.

I'm crossing my fingers that this is that middle time, where you feel like you're moving backwards instead of forward, and like the progress you've made is at risk. You feel like you may not be able to make your way through this, and you want to just give in to the lethargy. But maybe this is just a test before the turning point. Maybe.

All I can do is hope for a bit of a clearing ahead. Maybe it lurks on the horizon for tomorrow, or this weekend.

Time to begin the complicated night ending rituals of my home, letting Mercy out, feeding the cats, covering the couches, taking the vitamins, all that jazz. Hopefully ten minutes from now I'll be tucked into bed with a little breeze coming in through the window, and a mind winding down for the day.

Acting hard's been tough, or so say the lyrics in one of my favorite songs to listen to at perilous volumes (though not the one mentioned before). I hope that eventually one day the pretense of acting okay will transition back into legitimately being okay. Work in progress, I suppose.

Good night!

The Pitfalls and Victories of Singlehood

2011-04-12T10:38:00.002-04:00

I’m going to be honest here and admit that in the grand scheme of things, I don’t have a ton of experience being single. I was single until I was 19 years old, having never gone on more than one date in my life. While that guy was lovely and intriguing, he never qualified as a boyfriend. I started dating the man who would eventually become my husband 5 days before I turned 19, and the next ten years or so of my life were spent in that relationship.

Once my marriage dissolved like sands through the hourglass (so are the days of our lives!?!), I was single for 4-5 months before I began dating someone new. Yup, that was fast. It wasn’t something I intended, it just happened, and my ex-H pushed me into M’s arms, telling me that since he couldn’t give me what I needed, to be with someone who could. Okey dokey. I subsequently spent the next 13 months in that relationship.

When that one ended, I set a new personal (but dubious) record for myself by beginning a new relationship with my current ex within that same month. Oof. As noted previously, that relationship lasted just short of two years (hooray for the passage of the nonaversary yesterday!). If you’re keeping track, that means that I’ve now been single again for about 2 weeks.

So I’m not going to lie and pretend I am some professional singleton with years of experience under my belt. Instead, I seem to be more of a relationship junkie, and I’ve spent the bulk of my adult life in one or another. Each of my relationships had their good times and bad times, some more than others, but the one constant I had throughout the duration of each? Companionship. Even when other parts of the machine weren’t clicking so well, I always had someone around. I got used to it. Spoiled by it.

It’s always interesting to re-adjust to being on my own. And by interesting, I mean that it sucks. Yes, I can survive on my own. Learned that one the hard way when my marriage went kaput and I was suddenly on my own for the first time in my adult life. I realized how shockingly out of touch I was with the day to day operations of life, and I was embarrassed to face the realities created by that ignorance. I had only limited awareness of our financial situation. I rarely paid the bills myself. I’d never taken care of car insurance or taxes on my own, nor even things like car inspections and registration. I was lost.

I had to learn on the go, trying to subvert my shame over my ignorance and instead focusing on doing better. I figured out where the finances stood. I started paying my own bills. I got my car insurance in only my name, and bought a car on my own, too. Just my name on that registration, thank you. Just my credit there to get the deal done. I learned to deal with the every day things in life that I’d never had to before, and it was good for me. I began to feel strong and competent instead of just being a passenger in my own life.

Those things were easy enough to figure out once I realized I had to do it. I’ve always been good at the practicalities, the things I can list out and cross off as I’m done. I’m super organized and methodical, and this suited my new responsibilities well. It was the rest of it that took time to get used to.

The rest of what? Anyone who knows me at all knows that I’ve suffered from debilitating migraines since I was very young. They’ve plagued me for as long as I can remember, and I’ve tried many different drugs as well as acupuncture to get them under control. I get fewer of them now, and am more aware of my triggers and the best treatments, but the reality is that they are a part of who I am, and something I will deal with for the rest of my life.

The point of that disclosure is this: A migraine attack, when suffered alone? Pretty damn awful. Sometimes it hurts so badly that the idea of moving, even shifting position in bed or on the couch, is unfathomable. The light hurts my eyes. Sounds become magnified, and the silence is never heavy enough. I need my migraine pill, I need ice packs, sometimes I need a hot shower or bath, or a cold cloth on my head.

When no one else is there, I have to take care of myself even though every fiber of my being is screaming at me to stay put. I have to get up and fight the nausea and throbbing pain. And beyond just self-care, I have to take care of my dog and cats. My migraine doesn’t stop them from being hungry, and it doesn’t stop the dog from needing to go outside for a bathroom break. I end up staggering outside looking like hell, covering my eyes, keeping them cast downward, trying not to be sick, trying not to make contact with anyone.

The guilt of ignoring the animals and giving them only the bare minimum of attention is just another weight on my shoulders, a new reason for the already seizing pain in my neck to worsen. I am a bad animal mom when I have those headaches, and there is not a single thing I can do except apologize to them for my lacking.

I try hard not to feel sorry for myself, but it’s difficult. I have too many memories of my exes helping me out, taking care of me, taking care of my animals. Boyfriends who walked my dog for me when I couldn’t, fed them when I couldn’t. The ones who would cater to me like the best Dr. in the world, bringing me meds when I needed them, food or drink when I needed it, making me eat or drink even if I didn’t want to. Turning the lights off for me, staying with me if I needed it, but leaving if I didn’t. Drawing me baths, warming towels for me for when I got out. Covering me with blankets, folding me into the arms of someone who gives a damn.

At home now when I’m feeling sick, or tired, or suffering from a migraine, there are no warm towels. There is just me, doing the best I can for myself, and my animals, doing the best they can to either cheer me up or be near me when I’m uncheerable. I am eternally grateful for their presence in those bad times and in the good. I can’t say enough how much they boost me when I’m down, and comfort me in general.

That’s the major downfall of singlehood for me. There are others, of course-there’s never a nice dinner waiting for me when I get home after a long day. There are no surprise flowers at my office, no one to bring me a coffee or something I like from the store on a whim. There’s no one to run an errand for me when I can’t do it, no one to let the dog out if I’m not there. But in comparison, I guess these things just pale to the rest. Small potatoes, I suppose.

Don’t get me wrong, I do recognize that there are perks to flying solo, too. If I don’t feel like cooking a real dinner, I don’t have to. I can have cereal, or popcorn, or leftovers. If I just want chicken, chicken it is. No sense of obligation to prepare a starch and a veggie if I don’t want it. And the messes are just mine. No rinsed dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher unless I give in to such laziness. No hair from a razor in my bathroom sink. I can watch whatever garbage TV I want and there is no one there to give me grief for it.

These are all good things. These are all things I take note of when I am single, things I remind myself of when I’m feeling blue. I don’t have any desire to spend vast quantities of time feeling sorry for myself. Things are what they are, and I am perfectly capable of surviving on my own, even for periods longer than a month or four.

Say what you want about singlehood, but the few times I have been there, I’ve felt really good about myself. I feel independent, self-sufficient and strong. I am reminded of how awesome I really am, when sometimes I’ve forgotten, especially when a relationship is in a slow spiral downwards. It’s too easy to lose that sense of self and feel directionless. Being on my own always corrects my path, and each time I do it, I think I become a bit of a better person for it.

I may be a relationship junkie. This is true, and I can’t even try to deny it. I do believe I am built for commitment, I thrive in it, and I have so much to give that I truly feel like I am amazing at it. Maybe my track record doesn’t indicate it, but I don’t really feel like my three relationships speak of any failure on my part. They didn’t work out for whatever reason, but the one true thing is that I’ve come out of every single one of them knowing that I did everything I could to make it work, and that I gave 110%.

However, all that being said, the best relationship I have, the most longstanding one to date (save for my acupuncturist, whom I recently told a friend is my current longest relationship!) is the one I have with me. I may slack on taking care of myself sometimes. I may shortchange the attention deserved, or get pulled off track every now and again. I may be overly critical, I may willfully disregard all of my own best logic. But at the end of the day, I am the one who is always, always there for me.

I pick myself up and dust myself off after life’s little letdowns, and it’s big ones. I put the pieces back together after a breakup. I learn through trial and error what’s good for me and what isn’t, and I allow myself those mistakes along the way without beating myself up for it. I take care of me.

Sure, it would be nice to have someone to take care of me when I’m sick, or to walk the dog when I’m exhausted. I would be lying if I denied that. Support and companionship is invaluable in life, and things are better when you have it. Yet that doesn’t change the fact that even when the chips are down, the waters are muddied, the clouds are heavy, and all those other life cliches, I do what I need to do. It may hurt while I do it, it may feel like the most amazing burden to carry, but the next day, when the chips are in play again, the waters have cleared and the clouds have parted, it feels really damn good to know I got through it.

Single or not, I am me... hear me roar. :-)

And then it was tuesday

2011-04-12T00:15:00.001-04:00

Such a long monday, I'm glad it's been retired and we're onto Tuesday. My dog woke me up about 15 minutes before my alarm today, which is always a bummer. I value that additional 15 minutes! Work was frustrating in its own way, and I learned that I have a full day training session on Monday for some IT upgrades being implemented. Something to look forward to? I think not, but I will surely survive.

On the upside, the weather was gorgeous today. I brought my lunch and took it to the rooftop deck to eat and read. I came back and later realized I had a souvenir sunburn on the back of my neck and my right forearm. Brilliant! :-) Note to self: Keep some sunblock at work! It was worth it to spend 45 minutes outside in the sun and the warm breeze.

I had acupuncture at 7pm tonight. As usual, S did the pre-appt. consult and asked about how I'd been feeling since my last appt. session a month ago. I told her I'd had more migraines and little headaches than usual, which is not abnormal during peak allergy season like it is now. I also told her that I'd been having a hard time focusing in general, that my mind was racing a lot, and asked for some stress and clarity of mind type needles.

All the needles that usually "jump" or bother me didn't bother me at all, and all the ones that normally feel like nothing felt like something (for the record, the jumpers are the ones in my legs, and the non-jumpers are generally the ears and sinuses). During the consult she'd asked me how things were with my boyfriend, as she knew things were rocky last time around, and I had to cop to the breakup again. I felt a little emotional, and my silly voice cracked a couple of times when answering her questions.

Almost immediately after she left the room, I felt the tears well up. They spilled down my face instantly, and I probably cried for a good 5-10 minutes. I've done this before during sessions, so it wasn't too surprising, and especially in light of all the stress I've had lately. But I also think that the stress needles opened up some emotional channels that were ready to blow, and out came the tears. For the record? Crying while you're laying on your back, with needles in your temples, forehead, either side of your nose, your neck, your ears...it's an interesting experience.

Once the tears died down I felt so much better. I guess I'd needed the release. I spent the rest of the appt. intensely relaxed. Upon leaving I felt so tired and spent and couldn't stop yawning. I hope to sleep well tonight.

So I didn't actually ask for the heartbreak needles, but I think I got them. I hope they do their magic and help clear my racing mind a little bit. I may not be going to the gym much these days, but if emotional exercise counted for anything I'd be in Olympic athlete shape. I feel like my body is carrying around my emotional baggage, and I know I need to take better care of it all. The stress and anxiety tighten my shoulders, tense my back, strain my neck. My head aches for this reason or that, and I'm tired and tetchy from allergies and everything else. I need a mental break.

The best thing I can say about today in its entirety is that I survived. The non-aversary has passed, and it is one more tiny roadblock I have moved past. Here's to hoping tomorrow is a better day. :-)

Monday, Monday

2011-04-11T09:29:00.001-04:00

I bought a George Foreman grill yesterday. I have no private outdoor space at this apartment, so the gas grill I own is useless. It currently resides with my ex and hopefully he will get some good use out of it since I can't. In the meantime, though, I am deprived of the yummy goodness of grilled food.

I harbor no illusions that the Foreman grill is a true substitute. I know differently. I've owned these grills before, and at best they are a sad replacement for the real thing. However, I figure it will give me a bit more variety for cooking, and burgers and hot dogs will taste better from that than any other options I have. I plan to have a burger tonight or tomorrow to break the old Foreman grill in.

Things about blogger I've noticed:
When I press Enter, the damn cursor does not go to the next line. It actually seems to jump to the first line of the current paragraph which is COMPLETELY USELESS. Thoughts?

Also, I can't reply to comments. I was warned about that in advance, but it remains sad. Blogger should fix that! I feel like I'm leaving people hanging on their comments because I'm so used to replying to them in Livejournal. I'm not ignoring you, friends! I just can't reply. Do I have to comment on my own post to reply? Hmm.

[This enter key malfunction is pissing me off.]

I brought in leftover homemade waffle for breakfast today, along with a turkey sandwich, some strawberries and an orange. I also have some Strawberry Banana greek yogurt in the fridge. Oh, the options. Still trying to save money until payday on Friday. This has been the world's longest pay period! Methinks I will never feel financially flush because there is always some random expense to take a chunk of my pay. The doggle is running low on dog food, so I'll have to order another one of those gold laden bags. Nothing like paying $95 for 6 weeks of dog food. :-o

I really want to write this week. I am hoping my focus is gradually returning because lacking the attention span to even read an issue of Entertainment Weekly is really grating on my nerves. There is more to the world than reruns of Law & Order: SVU and old episodes of Sex & the City on cable. I think this weekend of solitude may have reminded me that the world is still out there, and eventually I'm going to have to rejoin it. Alone time is a good thing in the right doses, but if you overdo it you aren't doing anyone any favors!

This is not a breakup blog

2011-04-10T19:59:00.001-04:00

I truly have no intention of this being a breakup blog, or even a relationship blog. But for right now, there might be some breakup blathering just because that's where I'm at in my life right now. However, I do promise not to dwell too often in emo land. :-)

Tomorrow would have been my 2 year dating anniversary with my ex. Yay? I guess it's not an anniversary anymore if you're broken up, but I'm a dates person and these things tend to stick in my mind. My sole plans for tomorrow aside from work are for an acupunture appt. Nothing says "Let's commemorate what once was" like getting needles stuck in your body for an hour. I wonder if my acupuncturist has a heartbreak needle? She seems to have one for everything else!

I am currently sitting in my living room with all of the windows open, the last of the daylight filtering into the room. The animals are all scattered in various spots of light, enjoying the scene. I'm listening to the sounds of various birds chattering and chirping and it's pretty damn peaceful in here. It's times like this, even after a long, too quiet weekend, where I can remember how nice it is to be on my own. I always try to appreciate the small things, even when immersed in my own relationship soap operas.

This is the second breakup I've gone through in the spring. In some ways that's sad, but ultimately I think it's a good thing. We're leaving winter behind, moving onto new things, everything is brightening and warming up, and spring just feels like a new beginning. That's exactly what I need.

Regardless of what happens with my relationship with my ex....whether there is some miraculous reconciliation, or if we decide to part ways for good, spring looms. I will be okay. There will be thunderstorms, and this will make me brilliantly happy, and there will be flowers and miniature golf and outdoor lunches and light jackets. There will be nights like this one, with my windows open, my beloved furkids around me, where I will sit in the quiet of it all and appreciate all the good things I still have. :-)

Nerves are abuzz

2011-04-10T00:09:00.000-04:00

You know what's slightly nervewracking? Sending out the link to your barely born blog to people you know, like and respect. :-)

I guess if this is truly to be a more open forum than LJ it would help if people knew about it, so there you go. I may let more people in on the "secret" as I go, but at least I'm working to establish a starter group of readers.

Also? My bedroom is definitely the plainest room of my apartment. I have only one tiny painting hung on the walls, and beyond that, 3 totally bare walls. Depressing! This room definitely needs some TLC when I can afford it. I'm still waiting to receive my backordered sofa table for the living room, so I guess I need to just do one thing at a time!

RSVPed for a meetup in a couple of weeks for Cosmic Bowling. I have had the most random urge to go bowling for so long, and now I may finally get to indulge it! The only problem is that it's the same night as a concert I'd like to go to. I'll sort that out when it gets closer, as the performer, a local guy named Shane Gamble, is also having a concert the following weekend, but that one is somewhere in Maryland as opposed to Arlington, and I am so crazy unfamiliar with Maryland that it's frightening.

Speaking of concerts, still so excited about the Mumford & Sons tix I bought for June. I wonder who the lucky recipient of ticket #2 will be! I know it's probably a little crazy to buy 2 tix, but I just really want to see this show, and I just wanted to be sure I got to go! Who's up for it???? :-)

On that note, I should try to start unwinding instead of amping up my mind further. I wanted to get a lot of R&R this weekend, so I'm going to wrap up my saturday night party with some Degrassi. YOU KNOW YOU LOVE CANADIAN TEEN MELODRAMAS!

Breakup Blues

2011-04-09T19:57:00.001-04:00

In the wake of a pretty serious breakup two weeks ago, I set aside this weekend as a sort of self-imposed exile from the world. My brother visited last weekend, so in addition to playing hostess in my smallish (but adorable) apartment, I also spent more money than usual, so this weekend's designation was partially financially motivated, too. However, I mostly just felt that I needed some time to process things.

Immediately after the breakup, I was devastated, but more in a shocked kind of way. The following day I was fairly numb to all of it, and that weekend I ended up feeling ragey due to an ill-advised text encounter with the ex, initiated by him. I stayed in the angry place for a couple of days before settling into the "distract, distract, ignore" phase. I focused on preparing for my company's arrival, work, anything to keep my mind off of the end of this relationship I'd put everything I had into for nearly 2 years.

Anyway, at some point after my brother left on Monday, I lapsed into a new post-breakup phase: indisputable sadness. I've been a weepy, annoying mess, and I've barely had the motivation to do anything. I came home every evening, took care of my dog and cats because I had to, and that was it. No writing. No reading. No errands. No friends. Just me and my sorrow.

I decided that since I was finally processing things, I would give myself this weekend to wallow. Think about things when they popped in my head, but also just zone out a lot. Watch some DVR, some Sex and the City DVDs. Sleep. Relax. Be on my own.

This is all fine and dandy except that I woke up at 7 am this morning. Do you know how long this day has felt??? By noon I was bored as hell. Felt like it should be evening, but it wasn't even close. I've watched a movie, 2 parts of a miniseries on HBO, random other TV. I took a bath, thought about reading the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly, but decided against it. I cleaned the tub after exiting it, and in a huge fit of motivation, put on a pair of jeans in lieu of my pajama pants.

This afternoon I finally decided I needed to get out for a bit, so I went on a mission. It was a sad mission...the mission of a recently single, lonely, possibly pathetic person. I went to find one of the new Ben & Jerry ice cream flavors I'd been wanting to try: Late Night Snack. Well, it took two Safeways, but I found it. Truth be told? Not that impressed. What a waste!

I also picked up some strawberries. First ones I've seen this season that looked fat and juicy. Score. So that was it. My big outing for the day was to look for a pint of overpriced ice cream. How sad is that?

Home is lonely right now. I've gotten more used to being here alone, but it's still hard on the weekends, especially ones like this where I'm just...here. No one visits here. Most people I know haven't even been here yet. No one could drop in even if they wanted to, and of course, no one wants to right now.

My phone nearly never rings. I miss hearing my ringer. It's a song I love, the ringer the exact portion of the song I love most edited into a short tune. It makes me happy to hear my phone ring, though I am mostly working on the memory of that feeling since I've not experienced it in so long. Honestly, it doesn't even sound to alert me to email or texts or IMs so much either. My social world has shrunk drastically, and it makes my world a quiet one.

Thank god for my dog and cats, I can't imagine not having their company. I would probably have some sort of a breakdown. Go insane. Seeing people moving in the yellow wallpaper I don't have. Scritch scritch.

Next weekend there will be no exile. I will definitely find things to do because another weekend like this? Might drive me mad.

Tomorrow should be better. Hopefully warmer weather. Maybe I can play outside more. Longer walk for Mercy. Read outside. Something. There has to be more than this.

Bloggity Blog Blog

2011-04-05T11:27:00.000-04:00

I have to say, this whole blogging thing feels a lot different than good old Livejournal. For one, this site works, YAY! However, I remain accustomed to the idea of LJ cuts and other such habits, so I'm working to re-train my brain.

I had a good time finding a nice template for the blog. Had a Super Mario one rocking for a few moments, which made me happy, but I ultimately felt it wasn't the right vibe for me. I wanted something springy and happy. Perhaps I am hoping that if it is pretty enough the words will emerge without the usual coaxing?

Now, I'm not sure if it's just my computer or if it's the universe, but I've had a hell of a time getting a lot of sites to work this morning. Twitter, Livejournal, various blogs I read. It's made me feel a bit paranoid that there is something wrong with this computer, though it's probably unlikely. It's just amazing how attached I get to all of these websites and social media forums and how panicky I feel when they fail me! I AM ENTITLED TO THE TWITTER GENIUS OF SNOOKI, YO.

I worry that I am not witty enough to helm a blog. I'm used to the privacy of Livejournal, and I'm not sure what I'll be willing or able to bring to the table in a less shuttered environment. I suppose only time will tell!